update on the man situation

Discussion in 'The Watercooler' started by Jena, Oct 21, 2008.

  1. Jena

    Jena New Member

    so i figured i'd throw my little update about the man situation since you were all right there with me while i was bouncing off the walls, yup i tend to do that. Not sure what to do, where to go, should I boot him out, etc.

    well, it' snew and there's alot of work to be done, more than i anticipated yet there is some progress...........

    He took the time finally to "get me" and read up on healing from sexual child abuse. He's the one that knocked the supressed memories out of me some 7 mos. ago yet after that he never took the time to get what i went through and what i am going through. So, he sat read various websites and just looked at me and said wow i'm sorry it's alot of stuff and i need to be more supportive of you right now and highly accountable for my time, make distance from my ex wife (yup she drives me nuts too), and def. never make the careless mistakes i previously made.

    he also did just that past week or so or i think it's been like almost two weeks to be exact he's been alot more supportive and understanding, made some real strides in the area of hte ex wife and shutting her down (she has been harrassing and trying to control his every move and mine since we have been together)

    he also understands the importance of being highly accountable for his time ( i too have alot to learn about being less needy and more independent since this all hit last year and not drive him nuts and suffocate; yup figure that me suffocating a person lol ha ha bet ya never thought that :)

    so overall he's made some real effort continued with his work in therapy and only had two sessions yet made the best of them. just some good choices made. and making time for us as well a bit more than prior.

    so, it's a good start. i don't know where it will end but he's trying and so am i now. i'm sure there will be hard moments i'm actually expecting them but at least we're off on the right note.

    figured i'd give you guys an update since your always there for me with stuff.

  2. Abbey

    Abbey Spork Queen

    Baby steps are a good thing! Fingers crossed that he continues down that path.

  3. Jena

    Jena New Member

    Thanks Abbey! :)
  4. busywend

    busywend Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Relationships are a work in progress. Constantly changing for better and worse. This is a sign that he is the type of man to partner with. One that is willing to work on things with you. Sometimes it takes a few tries to get the other partner to listen, but if they are worth it you keep trying. Sounds like he is worth it!

  5. Shari

    Shari IsItFridayYet?

    Good luck with that.
    Its sounds like he's trying. And that's all anyone can ask. It isn't about a final destination or a year from now or a week from now or even tomorrow. (Who of us here are on the exact track and plan we laid out 20 years ago to acheive our dreams??? hm?) But about dealing with the here and now, the knocks and bumps and detours we encounter and making the best of them with a partner. If you're both flexible and willing to work, you've got a LOT worth saving.
  6. Jena

    Jena New Member

    thanks, i appreciate your kind words. I'm also the type of person with whom is known to bolt, if my needs are not met like yesterday in anyway or i feel as though i'm being taken for granted, or anything is not looking exactly how it should I immediately run. I have done that before, it wasn't good and i hurt a few very nice men. It was never a relationship like this, living together, etc. it was dating outside the home, every other weekend that sort of thing. So, one thing I do know for sure is i'm growing i know because it hurts lol. we're both stripped down now, the good and the bad is transparent. There isn't anymore hiding his issues or mine. That in itself i Have to admit, although somewhat troubling to realize that we both have alot of issue of our own regardless of difficult child and all the other kids, it is also somewhat refreshing to just be me, whether its good or bad, whether i'm happy or sad i'm just me. No shows, or fronts, he now knows of my past abuse and past life, which i have never shared with anyone. I now know his hurts and paints, his childhood stuff now and his past life with his ex, and emotions and issues that have stemmed from that, as well as his own severe ego issues being she left him for a woman.

    so, it's all out in the open now. he's also very patient with difficult child, which ofcourse isn't a make it or break it in our interpersonal relationship. Yet i am a package deal. Me, difficult child, and my crazy teenager. So, he handles things really well from the all nighters' to the disappearing teenager at times. He often calms me and centers me when i'm all over the place on a topic of great importance. There's really something to be said for accepting eachother for who you are, truly in it's core not for who you would like someone to be.

    i am working diligantly on forgetting the past mistakes. in my heart i know that he never did anything physical with anyone else at all. Yet he made alot of mistakes in regards to lying. It was interesting when we sat down to talk for several hours to figure out what we were going to do. He apparentley lived a life for 18 years with his ex whereas he was controlled quite alot. She is quite controlling and aggressive i've personally never met a woman like this. it was all he knew since age 19, yet now he carries over alot of his behaviors or responses from that relationship to ours. He would often lie to her so he wouldn't get yelled at. so, between helping other people covering the lies, etc. whereas with me it's all good. i can be quite understanding on alot of levels.

    anyway this is turning into a book of sorts.

    thanks again! lol