Update on wife and detachment

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by HereWeGoAgain, Aug 5, 2008.

  1. HereWeGoAgain

    HereWeGoAgain Grandpa

    wife is still doing great with the detachment since the night of July 14th/15th, ironically the same day I started a thread (click here to see it) about her struggling with it. I think that the events of that night were the catalyst for wife to really switch back out of helping mode and back into detachment mode, which was kind of where we were at 20 months ago before difficult child was at home this last time, with this difference: next time difficult child needs a place to stay while waiting for a bed or waiting for a spot at a sober house, it won't be at our house.

    Helping with detaching is the fact that we haven't heard from difficult child for the past three weeks, not even on her 28th birthday which was just a few days ago. We did learn that her ex-sponsor, who picked her up when she had her meltdown and got kicked out of Erica's, dropped her off the following day at the home/crash pad of one of her druggie acquaintances. This after she refused a ride to the local homeless shelter.

    She left a message on Erica's phone about two weeks ago. (Erica is the girlfriend whose house difficult child squatted at for seven weeks after we kicked her out.) difficult child demanded payment for babysitting and helping with Erica's "business" (which is one of those Ponzi schemes you see on late-night paid TV shows: "Get rich dealing real estate from your home in just a few hours a month! I made $20,000 the first month!") and said she didn't care that she damaged Erica's truck since Erica owed her, in fact she was glad she messed up the truck and wished she'd totaled it.

    easy child 1 doesn't ask about difficult child much. We try to be fairly honest without getting into the details. We said that difficult child has a problem from drinking alcohol too much, and that makes her forget stuff she is supposed to do and break promises. We pray for her at bedtime.
    Last edited: Aug 5, 2008
  2. Shari

    Shari IsItFridayYet?

    Congrats to wife on the detachment thing. It is hard, tho.

    My heart breaks for easy child 1. It has to be so hard for a child to understand when people do things that don't/can't make sense. I was always honest with difficult child 1 about his bio's. I tried not to be negative, and let him find the negative on his own (which was easy). He seems to have a good handle on them, but we'll see.

    Thanks for the update. And hugs.
  3. witzend

    witzend Well-Known Member

    I'm really proud of your wife for remembering what is the right thing to do. I have to agree that it makes it much easier to detach when they stay away. :( It's such a sad situation for easy child 1, and you both are handling it with a great deal of grace and tact. When you say your prayers, know that you and she are in ours.
  4. Hound dog

    Hound dog Nana's are Beautiful

    I'm glad that wife is managing the detachment. I know it's a struggle.

  5. Suz

    Suz (the future) MRS. GERE

    easy child 1 is lucky to have you and wife as her stability. It's really good news that wife is doing so well. :thumbsup:

  6. Big Bad Kitty

    Big Bad Kitty lolcat

    Good for wife! Glad to hear it. Sounds like you are her rock.

    My heart breaks for easy child 1. So glad that she has you and wife in her life.

    difficult child is in my prayers.
  7. HereWeGoAgain

    HereWeGoAgain Grandpa

    Once again, no sooner do I post an update than the situation changes. difficult child called last night and boy am I proud of how wife handled it!

    difficult child tried to elicit sympathy for her situation a couple of times but wife wasn't buying. difficult child told her she's been staying with some woman, doing meth and crack, and that this woman is about to have her kids taken away by the state. She said that was a "big wakeup call" for her. wife said, "What do you mean, 'wakeup call'? You had your child taken away, the only difference is you knew who she was going to, and that she'd be well cared for and loved; and that didn't wake you up." So difficult child admitted that, then started to tell wife what she is "going to do" about getting into treatment again. wife told her to call us when she's in treatment. difficult child said she wanted to talk to "her little girl" and wife said no, not while she is out and using, that she was being selfish and not considering how it would affect easy child 1.

    If she had been planning to ask for money or groceries or a motel room or some such, she thought better of it by the end of the call. I guess she realized that the money well has dried up good this time.

    This is a completely different wife from four weeks ago when she was still trying to "help" difficult child! The "wakeup call" seems to have been for wife and me, not difficult child.

    We did tell easy child 1 that "J" (using difficult child's first name, not "mommy" or "your mother") was alive and safe (we did not add, "for now") but still not getting help for her problem. wife wants to keep everything open and aboveboard with easy child 1, and I agree. In later years difficult child won't be able to lie to easy child 1 and blame us for her absences. She may try, but easy child 1 will know the truth.

    I hope we do hear from difficult child that she is back in some kind of treatment, but honestly, I don't expect it any time soon. Her psychiatrist told her she needs to be at a rehab far away from anyone she knows for a long time, much more than the 2 months she stayed at the last one. He recommended a place about 2 1/2 hours away. That would be great if it happens but right now I'm like DammitJanet: whatever happens, happens. Out of my hands.
  8. Lori4ever

    Lori4ever New Member

    I'm so glad she responded the way she did, that had to have been hard. It's sad that we parents have to see the results so often of our kids bad choices. I'm sorry you both have to go through this.
  9. Kolleen

    Kolleen Guest

    Congrats to wife. Detaching is sooooooo hard. At our Parent Meeting last night we were discussing this. It is definatley a 'practiced skill. We all experience it. Some times it's more heart wrenching than others. Trying to hold to certain boundaries can be tough.

    Everyone's concensus was - it gets easier with practice. They also agreed that it's even easier when the difficult child is out of the house. So I in my with my saged wisdom asked, "Is that where the expression - absence makes the heart grow fonder - comes from?" Lame maybe, but It did get a laugh.

    Keep practicing. Nobody should take away all our Joy!
  10. trinityroyal

    trinityroyal Well-Known Member

    HWGA, Wow!

    Your wife handled that phone call perfectly. My heart breaks for easy child 1, but you and wife are making the right decision in giving her the straight goods in terms that are right for her age.

    My Grannie never hid my difficult child-parents' many issues from me, so when the time came to make decisions I had all the facts in front of me, and I am eternally grateful to her for that.

    You and wife are doing so well. Sorry that your difficult child's not, but as you say, it's out of your hands.

  11. Shari

    Shari IsItFridayYet?

    Congrats to you and wife for a job well done, albeit a hard one that should never have to be done...but still. You did well.

    Using your daughter's name instead of "mommy" is a good idea, too. That was suggested to me during my divorce and the impact it had was really helpful for what seemed like such a tiny little insignificant thing as using a first name instead of a pronoun for someone closely related to you. It was a really big help for me, I hope it helps easy child 1, too.

    Hugs for her little heart. I'm glad she has you.
  12. witzend

    witzend Well-Known Member

    Wow, Hooray for wife!
  13. Hound dog

    Hound dog Nana's are Beautiful

    Wow! wife is doing very well in the detachment and handling difficult child. :D Awesome. You're doing a great job detaching and supporting wife as well. easy child is lucky to have the two of you loving her and watching out for her.

    And I like the using the first name thing too. It reminds them to see them as the person they are, not just the family you still love.