Very disappointed. 19yo DGD pregnant...

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by ksm, Sep 14, 2019.

  1. ksm

    ksm Well-Known Member

    I've been scared for this to happen for 5 years, when she fell hard for her first boyfriend in high school. They have had an on/off unhealthy relationship for 5 years. About 3 years ago he married someone else, and when things went bad in that marriage he would rebound to DGD.

    He had a child with wife who was positive for drugs, so the baby is being raised by the maternal grandma. He and his wife never had custody. A few months after that, he had a child with a previous girlfriend. She has custody of her son. He is not involved with either child.

    I have begged DGD (legal dtr since we adopted at age 5) to use birth control. Made appointments with GYN, paid for BC pills, kept a box of condoms in the bathroom, no questions asked. And nope. She was afraid hormones were bad for you and she might gain weight. (Duh...that's basically what happens in oregnancy!)

    This wonderful POS just got out of jail about 5 weeks ago for not paying fines related to DV charges against his wife last year! He spent 2 months in jail...and DGD spent every dime putting money on his books so he could call her and buy snacks.

    In the back of my mind I thought this was happening, but she told us today. I think she is starting to see him for what he is, and is saying she will not stay with him if he doesn't step up. She knows, that while we have been polite to him, he will not be allowed to ever move in to our home.

    I believe they are 6 weeks from being homeless. After jail, they both moved in to his bio dads apartment. But dad already planned to move in with his girlfriend and is paying rent until his lease expires. Dad has already moved out. They have no vehicle. And no jobs. DGD tried to work at the State Fair for 10 days...but only made it two days...because of the heat and morning sickness.

    We will not agree to raise a third generation. If DGD wanted to move home until she can get help from agencies that is a possibility. We have told her that she should think very hard about her decisions regarding the pregnancy. We won't talk her out of her decision, but there are limits to what we are willing to do.

    Any suggestions on how to get her support/ help? We have talked a lot about no smoking, drinking, weed. She knows about FASD, as her biomom drank during some of her pregnancies. She says she hasn't been drinking and has not smoked cigs or weed in the last week.

    Help!?! Any ideas? Ksm
  2. pasajes4

    pasajes4 Well-Known Member

    I am so sorry to hear this. There are resources availaible, medicaide for pregnant women, wic for pregnant women (provides food and helps connect with other resources). I will be praying for you. It does not sound like a good situation.
  3. Blindsided

    Blindsided Face the Sun

    Sound advice. There are others than can speak to your situation better, but I wanted you to know I am thinking of you.
  4. Crayola13

    Crayola13 Active Member

    You might want to check out some of those places that offer housing for pregnant teens like Covenant House or Maggie's Place. That would get her away from him, plus get her some counseling and job training while allowing her to keep the baby. These organizations are usually religious based to offer girls an alternative to abortion.
    Last edited: Sep 14, 2019
  5. ksm

    ksm Well-Known Member

    At this point she won't leave him. Last summer they were living in her car, until they wrecked it. She could have stayed with us or her dad, but she wouldn't leave him. So basically homeless until his mom let them stay in her garage.

    I did call the local Birthright Organization and I will see if she will go talk to them. It sounds like they know the ropes to help those who want to continue the pregnancy.

    I've also thought if Job they accept pregnant women and help them after the child is born, provide childcare and the mom can continue her training. Ksm
  6. Crayola13

    Crayola13 Active Member

    From what I have seen, the relationship usually falls apart after the baby is born because the mom gets fed up with the dad for not helping. She's going to be the one getting up at 2 a.m. to nurse the baby while he's asleep. Then it's World War 3. They will argue so much about money that the relationship cannot possibly last. I don't see him as the type to stop using drugs and get a job. After that kid is born, I give their relationship two months. She's going to be sleep deprived and post pardom which means bad news for him.
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  7. BusynMember

    BusynMember Well-Known Member

    I think adoption would be a good idea in this case. Adoptions are mostly very open now and the birthparents choose the adoptive parents. These two can not raise a child, your daughter can not hold a job, and like us you are probably too old to raise this baby to adulthood. Do you have a mostly guaranteed healthy eighteen years? We would never take Jaden because we can't be sure of anything at our ages. Fortunately my younger daughter will raise him if Kay and Lee lose custody.

    I feel very badly for you. Not a good situation. I offered another option.Trust God in this difficult dilemma.
  8. KTMom91

    KTMom91 Well-Known Member

    I'm sorry, ksm. It's a tough situation for all of you. Hugs.
  9. Copabanana

    Copabanana Well-Known Member

    I was unaware of this. This sounds like a fantastic option. I love Job Corps. My son went. I thought it was fabulous.

    KSM. I wish you'd get a respite from all of this. I'm sorry it keeps on being so hard.
  10. ksm

    ksm Well-Known Member

    I don't think she will consider adoption. I would encourage her to adopt, but she has already stated she would never do that to her child As she knows her feelings about having a mom who could not be there for her.

    If things turn bad with boyfriend in the next few months she might consider an option to live elsewhere. At least that's my opinion. She has held out hope that her first "true love" is THE ONE. Sometimes the less I say about anything the better.

    Thanks everyone, I agree with your ideas and appreciate your advice, my husband and I have committed to being gone the last two weeks of October. We are doing a volunteer service project in TX with other RVers repairing homes. We have bought a used Travel trailer and this will be our first trip. There are options to be gone a month or more at a time. That was our plan. There might be about 3 days where they will not have a place to stay. She could stay at my sons (her bio dad) but in the past he has said no to boyfriend. (Like us!) It won't be winter conditions yet, so they have time to figure it out.

    There is a homeless shelter, but you have to be there by 7pm and not leave and come back during the night. Plus they would have to sleep in rooms with men in one area and women in another...and in the past they would not do that.

    I'm not going to step in and try to rescue her. I don't want her to blame me if boyfriend leaves or if she might regret any decisions about the pregnancy, whether it's keep, adopt or terminate. She has to live with her decision for the rest of her life. We told her we were disappointed this happened at this time, but we love her and will be supportive.

  11. WiseChoices

    WiseChoices Active Member

    The boyfriend has 2 other kids be will not take care of, so this may be the situation that breaks them apart. I believe your daughter will be more apt to listen to some of your suggestions when the guy is out of the picture .

    You have set your boundaries loud and clear and she understands them, so maybe she will be able to step up and figure something out for herself and her child.
  12. ksm

    ksm Well-Known Member

    WiseChoices...thanks. I just talked to her and she's receptive to going to Birthright for a real pregnancy test and learn about options for supporting herself. I think boyfriend should go with they said maybe they can help with job search for him.

    I could hear him in the background while on the phone. She's not feeling good, but she has to walk the 3 blocks to convenience store so he can buy cigarettes as he does not have a photo ID. It is uncomfortably hot here...and she's been throwing up.

    Trouble in paradise... I don't even know where he got $ for a pack of cigarettes as we had to buy some basic food items yesterday. Milk, bread, peanut butter, cereal, Mac and cheese.

    She has told her sister last night. Older DGD is also not adulting very well. Now I know that she will throw the "at least I'm not pregnant" up when we have a disagreement. Her bipolar tendencies have been off the wall lately. Probably because she's working as a waitress in the evenings and then staying out all night with friends. She hasn't been home for 3 nights. When this happens, she spins out of control, and loses her job.

    Hoping to get through all this. Thanks everyone for your concern. Ksm
  13. WiseChoices

    WiseChoices Active Member

    You will get through this. We have to make it whether our kids do or not. It sounds harsh, but is absolutely true. Our role here is much bigger than our mere involvement in our kids' lives, our role as Mothers.

    When you buy food, you are enabling the boyfriend's habits. I am sure you know that, and I also understand that you don't want your pregnant daughter to go hungry.

    She does not HAVE TO walk to the store for cigarettes for him. She is choosing to. She is not a victim, but a willing participant. When she complains to you about this, you can just say "you are not a victim" and let her think about that.

    As far as older daughter is concerned, you don't have to take the bait of any comparisons to her pregnant sister. I would just ignore those type of comments and bring any conversation back to what you need to communicate. I am sorry you are having a rough time with both daughters.

    Make sure you take excellent care of yourself: physically, emotionally, and spiritually. Do you attend Al-anon?
  14. ksm

    ksm Well-Known Member

    Yes, I've been going to AlAnon for two years. Meeting tomorrow night. Going to try not get involved or drawn in. So hard! Ksm
  15. Crayola13

    Crayola13 Active Member

    Soon, she's going to be too big and too hormonal to walk to the store for his cigarettes and will flat out refuse. I can't wait for her to tell him to get off his pathetic ass and get to the store himself! I think any love she has for him is about to go away. Being pregnant is not fun.
  16. ksm

    ksm Well-Known Member

    I would love for that to happen! The reason she has to go to the store is he doesn't have a drivers license or a photo ID. He's never had a DL. I think he got too many tickets for driving without one. She's 19 and has a DL. So she has to be the one going to the store,

    I found out that the Salvation Army has resources to help people get proper ID. I hope they follow thru. He does have his birth certificate, his SS card, and a piece of mail at the address they are staying at. Doesn't have the $15. Must have spent it on cigs...
  17. RN0441

    RN0441 100% better than I was but not at 100% yet

    KSM I am so sorry!

    She really picked a loser to make a baby with. Ugh. I'm sorry to be so blunt but I just am so upset that she let this happen to herself.

    I'm praying for your strength. I do hope that she figures this out. I would let her come over to eat dinner before I'd buy food for him to be honest.

    A hard situation that just became harder. Try to not make this your problem - but I'm sure that is extremely difficult. When is baby due?

  18. JayPee

    JayPee Sending good vibes...


    You mentioned boyfriend was just out of jail for DV fines he didn't pay for wife last year. This alone sends up red flags to me. She's probably traveling to get the cigs knowing that if he doesn't have them his "temper" flares up even worst. I can't imagine that this kind of behavior just goes away.

    Sorry for all you're going through.

    You're in my prayers.
  19. Copabanana

    Copabanana Well-Known Member

    I want to tell you ksm how sorry I am that you have this, too, on your plate.
    He may not have a license, but he's got legs and feet.

    Why do I think he must be bullying her or more, to get her to walk those 3 blocks in the heat, sick?
    The thing is she already is likely already his victim. The question is how to support the mindset that she does not have to be?

    I agree with whoever said to NOT buy food that will either subsidize him or subsidize them as a unit. The reality is that the two of them as a couple already entails abuse, if she is walking in the heat those blocks, so that he does not have to.

    As far as encouraging her to bring or to not bring the guy with her to birthright. I would not get involved in this.

    I don't want to get dramatic here. But if he is hitting her and threatening her, her life and the baby's, are at stake. I think this, all of it, is a topic for Al Anon. I would think that the boundaries here need to be drawn very, very tightly and clearly. I think I would invite her home, if you want to, and draw the line there. So that she knows that is always an option for her and the baby. And help for her to be healthy. And then only give her addresses and phone numbers, including for shelters and for Domestic Violence. Anything you do for her in that couple, enables the couple. There is no way that is in your DGD'S interests, in my view, that you shore them up or subsidize them, as long as they are together.

    I think putting this in place, a response that supports her being safe and healthy, without supporting them as a couple is doable. But not easy, for sure.
    Last edited: Sep 16, 2019
  20. BusynMember

    BusynMember Well-Known Member

    I don't think the boy is the problem if he has two kids already and never sees them. The boy will go away. The baby's future care is in my opinion the issue. I have watched a baby being raised by my daughter.

    Kay is pretty inept as a mother and may one day lose her son. In our family there are young people willing to raise Jaden. If possible, I would make a similar plan in your family if there is a fit young couple or adult to swoop in to care for the baby if your granddaughter is ever fond unfit. She has not shown to be stable yet and you are no longer young, like me. We cant guarantee we will be lively and well for eighteen more years. Kay already knows that Amy will take Jaden if he ever needs a home. Of course, Kay gets angry if the subject is brought up because she thinks she is very fit.

    I would want DGD in an environment during her pregnancy where she is watched. Drinking or drugging even a little can ruin her baby's life. I know Kay smoked cigarettes and pot and maybe did more while pregnant and Jaden is really struggling.

    As for walking, hot and sick, I was pregnant three times (one child died) and walking and even hitting the gym was good for me. I was encouraged to stay active. I remained fit and felt good every time. I would not tell her to act as if she is sickly, but I don't think she needs to go anywhere for him. Remember that our kids are often dishonest and she may be going to the store for her own cigarettes too. They say things to get our sympathy.....pregnancy is not a disease. GD wont leave this jerk, like Kay wont leave Lee so they can't be that afraid of them. In your GD case though, he seems allergic to fatherhood. He will be the one to take off.

    I don't know how much you can do. A lot is their choice. Crossing fingers. Sending prayers.
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    Last edited: Sep 16, 2019