walking on eggshells

[battlewearyteary]

hi. i have a 5 1/2 year old son and also a 10 year old daughter and 12 year old son. thank god only the third one is difficult to live with. we have just started the process of having him assessed at an anxiety clinic at a children's hospital and the indications that i have been given is that there is no real underlying diagnosis to his explosive/inflexible behavior at this point in time. this leaves me feeling slightly reassured but overwhelmingly helpless with the day to day fighting/anger/not compliance. my son has hurt a few children in the school setting in very impulsive/explosive ways in retaliation from feeling insulted or invaded (physical boundary issues). he is no longer in that school because the daily anxiety became too much for me and it was more of a supplementary school rather than his main one. he is now being 'shadowed' in his morning school and that has helped but we still have daily battles regarding waking up, getting dressed, going to school, separation at school, eating meals, going to bed and the list goes on. we all walk on eggshells around him for the fear of setting him off. he can be unrelenting in his begging for something, destructive in his retaliatory behavior, verbally threatening to all of his family members. sometimes it feels as if i am in an abusive relationship that i cannot get out of because i am his mother! i have concerns about things like; sending him to camp, which school would be best for him for grade one (public/private/Montessori?). he is bright and very articulate about his feelings. he has said things like 'my brain makes me do bad stuff' and that 'my brain is more powerful than me'. it makes me feel so sad knowing that he probably has limited or no control over his reactions and super sensitivities. because he is so sensitive we never know what we will do or not do to set him off. not too much of consistency in his reactions. i just know that when i hear 'HEYYYYY!' i have a new battle on my hands.
i have read dr. greens book but not word for word. some of the material sounds too grown up for application to him. there is not much reasoning with him. constant power struggles.
i look forward to any suggestions, stories , questions, etc. i would also love some tips on understanding the language on this site. ie. gdg? and how the threads work. this is a very new and unfamiliar process for me. thanks

me: 35, mother of three, stay at home , married, have good support in general but not with people that really have experienced an IEC.

 

[BusynMember]

Hi and welcome. If you're in the US, I recommend a second opinion. I don't know that an "anxiety clinic" is the answer. His behaviors do point to many possible disorders, and I'd want a multi-disciplinary evaluation. I don't really believe, no matter what they said (and, of course, I'm no expert) that this child has total control over his behavior and is just deliberately causing problems. Is there anything in your psychiatric background? Mood disorders or any sort? Neurological problems, like Aspergers or anything else? My son acted up a lot as a toddler, and had famous rages, turned out he was on the high end of the autism spectrum, but not before getting tons of misdiagnoses. I would try to get to the root cause of the behaviors before deciding which type of school would be good for him, and, in my opinion, I wouldn't send him to camp if he is aggressive. He could hurt somebody. Also, if he is impulsive, he could run off and into a street, unless he has an aide with him. He's very young--you may not get answers right away, but keep a good eye on him. Again, remember, I'm just a Mom who has a difficult child. I can think of two diagnosis. I'd be looking at if he were mine, based on my layperson's knowledge: a child's version of a mood disorder or Aserpgers Syndrome. If he is very bright, but socially clueless and inflexible and has trouble changing from one activity to another and obsesses over certain topics, I'd especially want him to be evaluated for Aspergers, but an all around assessment for a child his age is the best. At least you can get a "working diagnosis."
difficult child--Gift from God (the child God gave us because he knew we could handle it, is how I define it)
easy child--Child without problems is the way I define that


Pam

 

[battlewearyteary]

thank you for your response. the anxiety clinic was the fastest avenue in our medical system (canada)to see psychiatrist. i asked about aspergers and autism and his opinion was that my son did not fall into those degrees of the spectrum. from what i am told it is too early to go for psychoeducational testing. they normally do that at the first grade level *perhaps nine months to a year from now. i have an add'ish personality and see a psychiatrist for anxiety. there is a variety of mood disorders and add at non-severe degrees in our family. some depression, anxiety, add. he did go to camp last year and didnt have any episodes with other children but did have a very difficult time separating from me and getting used to the new surroundings. i have learned some good lessons from that experience and plan to send him to camp with a friend or two and a good discussion with the staff as to his particular needs. i think that it would be disasterous if he were to stay home all day long. his siblings will be off at overnight camp. i appreciate your food for thought though.
i will be seeing another private psychiatrist next week. i have heard wonderful things about her. i have also discovered a great book called 'how to raise your spirited child' by mary sheedy. it teaches you to throw a positive light on a child of this nature. sort of goes along with the whole difficult child thing ( i never would have figured that one out). i know that i have to keep a close eye on my difficult child for now and to be patient that a proper diagnosis (if there is one) will come when things become clearer. i am not one to overreact nor to pretend that he will 'outgrow it'. bye for now.

 

[Andrea Danielle]

Hi there and welcome, you mentioned that you are in Canada. If by chance you are in or near Toronto, I have some excellent resources for you to try. You sound just like me about a year ago just starting on this journey. I now have excellent help and know that my son has Tourette's Syndrome and Bipolar. The first book that I read was the Spirited Child too but have found after reading A LOT of books on the topic that the absolute best approach for us is the Ross Greene "Explosive Child" one. I strongly suggest reading this book, it has been a lifesaver for us and a lot of other people on this forum!

Good luck, I know what you are feeling :smile:

Andrea

 

[battlewearyteary]

i am close to the t.o and would appreciate your resources. i have read ross greens book but not yet from cover to cover . i have started to pick my battles and have to deal with other people and their opinions of what seems like inconsistency ...hate that. its amazing to know that there are others. part of me, however doesnt want to start self diagnosing or jumping to conclusions that may feel scary. its so hard to feel like there is a chronic diagnosis when we have good days or good/easy moments. i am sure that everyone here has felt that way too. i know i am not alone or unique. i welcome your input.

 

[Andrea Danielle]

Hi again, that's great that you are near Toronto! There are so many amazing resources here, I found out the hard though! I had to try a lot of useless ones to get to this happy state :smile:

I will send you a PM with the name of the place where we received a multi disciplinary evaluation. They were so thorough and spent a long time observing, questioning and interviewing people who know him and then directed us to other specialists to confirm the diagnosis. I have also found an overnight camp which deals specifically with kids like ours, their staff is specially trained in how to deal with behaviour issues like kids have.

I will pm you now...

Andrea

 

[tiredmommy]

That's great that you two can swap resources! FYI, I'm north of Buffalo, NY so I'm fairly close by as well. :smile:

 

[Andrea Danielle]

Great, maybe you can come to Toronto to visit us :smile: