We Can't Help...

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by PonyGirl65, Mar 10, 2016.

  1. PonyGirl65

    PonyGirl65 Active Member

    Okay everybody, I'm having a pretty tough time as difficult child's sentencing approaches. I know intellectually, I know all the stuff. The detachment vs the enabling, the addiction vs the recovery, the behavior vs the actual person. I know all that in my head.

    But my heart. My heart is breaking. I pray I can be strong during court. I pray I can be strong for difficult child. My sole purpose in going is to give him my support - that doesn't feel like the right word. I want to be there for difficult child so he knows he's loved. That's the reason I'm going. To show him I love him.

    Watching an old rerun of NYPD Blue last night, one of the characters had this line of dialogue: "There comes a time when we can't help those we love the most. And if we can't accept that, then we can't show them we love them, at all."

    That's it, in a nutshell. I cannot help him. I can only show him that I love him.

    This morning as I get ready for work, those lines of dialogue are running on a loop in my head. ....can't help those we love the most......if we can't accept that....we can't show them....we love them...at all...

    Constant loop. And I'm praying, praying in my heart.

    And on my drive to work, a hawk flies up from the side of the road right next to my car. So close I can count his tail feathers. And I give a silent 'thank you'

    And a few miles later.......I hear a beautiful bird song, and yes, there perched on the telephone line...a Cardinal.

    And I give another "Thank you", this one out loud. Thank you, Universe, for letting me know I am not alone.
    • Like Like x 5
    • Optimistic Optimistic x 3
    • Agree Agree x 1
    • Winner Winner x 1
    • List
  2. so ready to live

    so ready to live Active Member

    YES--this is the nugget, we simply want them to know they are loved. ...and yet, all along, their definition of love and mine have differed.
    They have a love that has expectations of giving to, doing for, saving from, etc. I have a love that has expectations of mutual respect and returned love "just because". So confusing-I do believe he knows of your love, your dedication. No one but a mom in our position could ever conceive of this pain. Prayers for you today on the wings of a hawk and cardinal.
    • Agree Agree x 3
    • Like Like x 2
    • Friendly Friendly x 2
    • List
  3. Scent of Cedar *

    Scent of Cedar * Well-Known Member


    A hawk. Fiercely honest by its very nature. And a cardinal, bright and breathtakingly beautiful.

    My prayers for you too, woven together with those of the others.

    • Like Like x 1
    • Agree Agree x 1
    • Friendly Friendly x 1
    • List
  4. Albatross

    Albatross Well-Known Member

    "For it is true that we can seldom help those closest to us. Either we don't know what part of ourselves to give, or more often than not the part we have to give is not wanted. And so it is that those we live with and should know are those who elude us. But we can still love them. We can love completely, without complete understanding." - Norman Maclean.

    Add my prayers to the others, Ponygirl.
  5. New Leaf

    New Leaf Well-Known Member

    Prayers added along to be intertwined with the others. God bless, and keep you, Ponygirl.
    Peace of heart and mind, a hawk and cardinal, what wonderful, reassuring signs.
  6. Tanya M

    Tanya M Living with an attitude of gratitude Staff Member

    You are right PonyGirl, the only thing you can offer him is your love.

    I lost count of how many times I went to court with my son. I remember one time when my son was 16 and went before judge and the judge asked him if his parents were here and then the judge leaned to the right, looked right at me and said "Oh, Hi Mrs. XXXXX" Yup, I was well know at the court house. o_O

    I do remember all those times sitting and waiting for it to be my son's turn and watching all the other "juvenile delinquent's" go before the judge and the judge asking "are your parents here" only to hear responses of "I don't know where my mom is" "I don't know who my dad is" My mom's in jail" My mom doesn't care about me" etc..... It was just so heartbreaking that these kids did not have someone there for them.

    I never paid for an attorney for my son when he would get in trouble but I made sure I was there for him, that I let him know that he was loved.

    Quite a few years ago my son had a rare moment and told me how much it meant to him that I was always there for him.

    ((HUGS)) to you PonyGirl. We will all be with you there in that courtroom holding you up.
    • Like Like x 2
    • Friendly Friendly x 1
    • List
  7. Childofmine

    Childofmine one day at a time

    PonyGirl, I'm so sorry for your pain.

    I remember thinking all of the things you wrote, about love and support and acceptance, and struggling so hard with it all. It's so hard to figure out what to do and what not to do.

    It's all so blamed hard.

    I hope the visit to court turns out to be not too debilitating for you. You count too.

    Hang in there! We're pulling for you all.