We just kicked him out.

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by Lil, Oct 25, 2014.

  1. Lil

    Lil Well-Known Member

    We have been putting money in a jug all year. As of Sept 10 there was $700. Today we were taking it to the bank. There was about 670 missing.

    He tried to lie. I told him he had one chance to keep us from calling the cops. He said be hadn't taken that much, he'd not done it for months, he'd pay it back. Etc. I told him to pack, gave him a suitcase, took his keys and bank card. Told him we loved him.

    And now he's gone.

    It had been hidden in the back of our closet, which means he went looking for something to take.

    I'm sick. And headed to the home improvement store to spend what we'll now have to take from savings.
    I can't believe this just happened.
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  2. 2much2recover

    2much2recover Well-Known Member

    OUCH! It is a real kick in the gut to find out that our own children will commit crimes against us - in this case theft. I am so sorry this has happened:staystrong: to you.
  3. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    I'm so very sorry.

    I think you will come to find t hat your son is a drug abuser.That's normally why t hey get desperate to steal. Did he get prescription painkillers for his back? That could be part of it.

    I am sorry you are going through this.
  4. 2much2recover

    2much2recover Well-Known Member

    If he was telling the truth - that meant he was going through your possessions on many different occasions. You may want to see if other items are missing too.
  5. recoveringenabler

    recoveringenabler Well-Known Member Staff Member

    I'm so sorry Lil. It is hard to see them in the light of the truth of who they are. He now has to suffer the consequences of his behavior. Which often is as hard on us as it is on them.
  6. Lil

    Lil Well-Known Member

    MWM I love you, I do. But I so did not need that thought in black and white at this moment. Don't you think I've thought of that? Of course I had. And yes, he got Rx for his back...and didn't take them. The only ones that would have any effect are still sitting on the table or counter - full. He only took about 3 of the flexeril. He's never liked pills. I've only mentioned this a hundred times. His thing is pot, both real and synthetic. So yes, I'm sure there's something there. But that so does not help right now.

    I'm just so damn tired. Things had been going so well. Then this. It's just a kick in the gut.

    When he came home in June we told him if so much as a CD went missing he'd be out. He'd stolen so much from us before. There was no more trust there and he knew it. He was warned, more than once.

    He was gone when we found it...said he'd be back by noon. Instead he showed right up and we confronted him. There was no shouting, on either side. It was very calm. We let him keep the phone and his health insurance card and use the laptop to get ahold of a friend for a ride.

    As he left, he said again it had been months...apparently sometime after Sept. 10 is months to him...and that he's been really trying to get his act together and that he will continue to do so, find a job, pay us back. I told him I really hoped he did but he'd have to do it living somewhere else.

    I'm so sad and so scared for him. What will he do and where will he go? I'm so disappointed. I'm so hurt. Part of me (a very small part) feels so guilty. He's my baby boy...I must have some blame here.

    He was warned. He made the choice. I know this. But I feel like someone just died.
  7. Lil

    Lil Well-Known Member

    Oh we did and nothing else is missing. He didn't even take his new PS2 he just bought with his paycheck two weeks ago. I told him too. I told him he might need it. I was thinking of something to sell for money as he has no food and no where to live.

    He said he was leaving it for his dad....he stole his last year and sold it.

    I wish he'd been defiant. I wish he'd been insulted. I wish he'd been anything but so accepting. I wish I had hugged him before he left.
  8. Jabberwockey

    Jabberwockey Well-Known Member

    MWM, Lil isnt mad at you for your comment. She is VERY upset right now as this just happened this morning and we havent had a chance to start to come to terms with this. We checked some of the major items such as computers, guns, and such. Nothing else seems to be missing. I can assure you that I'm familiar with the patterns that drug users go through due to my work. I've been seeing them a bit at home but realistically we have all seen the negative patterns, we were either to close to be objective or simply didnt want to admit that it could be our child doing such a thing.
  9. Lil

    Lil Well-Known Member

    MWM...I'm sorry...that was rude of me and I know you are only trying to help.
  10. 2much2recover

    2much2recover Well-Known Member

    If it helps you feel any better: these difficult child have a way of manipulating everyone, including their friends. While you envision him without a home, lonely, sitting on a street corner starving to death - he is probably dropped his stuff somewhere and is either partying right now or looking for someone to party with. Come to terms with the fact that even if it is a homeless shelter and one meal a day difficult child needs to get his act together and there is nothing that you haven't done to get to this point. It is him that hasn't done. Maybe living like a bum on the street will be the wake-up call he needs, maybe it won't be. However, with difficult child being 19 this is the exact time that you need to stand up to him and let HIM figure it out. The rest, on his part, really, is a bunch of blah, blah, blah. Hurray for you for having the courage to do what needed to be done. I know you might not be feeling heroic right now but as the mother of a 40 year old difficult child - do you really want to be living this way for 20+ more years?
  11. Lil

    Lil Well-Known Member

    The hardest part is I really thought things were getting better. He was going to counseling. He was trying to make new friends. He was supposed to have kids over today to play D&D. He planned on putting in at UPS. He was just talking about it yesterday. Then this. And who does he turn to? The only one of his friends we truly disapprove of. The one we suspect sells pot. One he complains about all the time because he doesn't seem to get that my son has other things to do and practically stalks him on FB to get my son to hang out with, literally sending dozens of messages if son doesn't respond. The one friend he said he was going to stop being friends with because he drove him nuts. But he has a car so that's who he had pick him up. That's who he ends up with. I keep thinking the most ridiculous things...he didn't take his toothbrush...that sort of thing.

    I'm just too upset to think straight.
  12. GuideMe

    GuideMe Active Member

    I am so sorry Lil. I am having my own panic attacks right now too, so I know the distress you are feeling. As much as they do, we still love them and worry about them so much. Anger and Love, at the same time.
  13. Lil

    Lil Well-Known Member

    MWM - I have to say again - I reread your post and my response and I feel awful. I'm so sorry I responded that way. I hope you'll forgive me, truly.
  14. in a daze

    in a daze Well-Known Member

    Oh my God. I am so sorry, Lil.

    But you did what you said you were going to do. It was no empty threat that you made. That is so important to do, to do what you said you were going to do, when dealing with a difficult child.

    He may call and want to come back. What will you do then? What will you say? I would think about this very carefully and formulate a plan with your husband.

    I'm so glad you took a stand now. Better now than have it go on and on for the next 20 years, just like 2much2 recover said.
  15. Lil

    Lil Well-Known Member

    I know. I don't know what we'll do if he calls and wants to come home. I know its out of the question for several weeks.

    I really didn't think it would come to this. I suppose no one ever does.

    Sent using ConductDisorders mobile app
  16. Jabberwockey

    Jabberwockey Well-Known Member

    No idea yet Daze. It won't happen for a while though. Just can't have him in the house when he will steal from us then lie when he gets caught even though we have proof.
  17. pasajes4

    pasajes4 Well-Known Member

    It is a blow to the very core of your spirit when you find out that your son would steal from you.
  18. Signorina

    Signorina Guest

    Oh Lil - I am so sorry for your hurting heart. Don't try to understand why he did it or what he spent in on...you will only make yourself nuts.

    You did the right thing by telling him to leave. I know how sick it makes you feel - even when you know it's the right thing to do. That's the paradox of being a good mother to a difficult child - your motherly heart wants to hold on tightly to them and fix them at the breaking point when you know you have to enforce the incredibly reasonable boundaries you've set.

    I say this gently - the stealing is atrocious. And at the same time - this atrocious act does NOT mean the signs of progress you saw were not there. Our difficult children seem to take 9 steps backward for every 10 steps forward ... so please don't doubt yourself and the growth you saw in him. It doesn't make it forgivable or ignorable but it also doesn't make it any less real, if that makes sense.

    {{{hugs}}} for your hurting heart.
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  19. Lil

    Lil Well-Known Member

    I do thank you all. I can't begin to even describe how hurt I am. I don't have the words for it. All this time we've been patient and loving and encouraging and he got a job...granted he quit, but he got one and had his own money and sometime between 9/10 and now he took all that from us. Again. Knowing how hurt we were from the last time. That's worse. That he did it again. That he knew what it would do to us.
  20. Kathy813

    Kathy813 Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Lil, I understand exactly how you feel. My difficult child stole from us over and over again and every single time it was like a huge kick in the gut.

    I think that you did the right thing. We let it get to the point where we were living with a deadbolt on our bedroom door and I had to carry a key with me everywhere I went in the house. Looking back I can't believe we ever let our difficult child make us live like that.