Welcome Jessi

Discussion in 'General Parenting' started by jessiern, Jan 5, 2012.

  1. jessiern

    jessiern New Member

    I am sitting here listening to my seven year old son scream at the top of his lungs because I have had it and put him to bed early! His father has mental disorders that at 40 have remained untreated but I had no idea how much till I had his son. I have had to go to court over and over just to get him diagnosed and to make him give him is medication. He was diagnosed with ADHD in kindergarten and Aspergers Syndrome and Childhood anxiety this summer. We have tried Concerta, Zoloft, Ablilify at night and now he is on Vyvanse 40mg. I am so tired! My life has been such a mess since he went to school. The teachers cant control him and the kids dont like him. He poops in his pants all the time but that seems to be getting better on most days. His dad is a violent man. He has been convicted of domestic violence toward me. My son has seen this behavior. His dad has such anger issue I hate for him to even visit on the weekends. I fight and fight for custody all the time cause he wants to get child support from me because I am a nurse and have a job. I am so depressed! I love my son but I dont feel like we have bonded at all! I am so tired of going out everywhere and he shows out so bad! He is an emotional wreck! Even the small things set him off. People look at you like they have never seen a kid miss behave! Sometimes I feel like just taking him to his dad and saying "here live your life like this!" He gets to run around with every tramp in the city. He parties and does everything he wants while I am stuck in this life! This medication is not working! I am so frustrated! I feel like the worst mom ever. I am scared my son will end up in a hospital somewhere cause he really gets out of control. He hits himself like his dad and punches and kicks. He has even bitten the wood on his bed will his teeth are chipped! I dont know what to do. His counselor, psychiatric doctor and pediatircian dont seem to know what to do with him. I dont understand why my child cannot be giving something to help him calm down and be more normal? I am so tired. I got remarried in September. I am affraid my husband is gonna get tired of all this drama and just go. I dont blame him he can excape. I am stuck!! I was so glad to hear I am not the only one going through this, but I am at the end of my rope. I want to just take him to his dad and be done with it, but I love him and I know giving his date will seal his fate to being a big nothing like him! Any suggestions? I am open to any and all!
  2. Wiped Out

    Wiped Out Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Welcome Jessi,
    I saw you had posted at the end of an old thread so decided to move it to its own so more will see it.

    Glad you found us but sorry you needed to. I'm sorry things are so rough right now. How often is your son seeing his psychiatrist? Is he also seeing a therapist?

    I can relate to not enjoying take your son out in public. It can be the same way with my difficult child. It can be difficult. Is there someone who can watch your son while you do things like grocery shopping, etc...?

    It's also very important in all of this to find some time to take care of you which I know is easier said than done.

    Others will be along soon. Sending gentle hugs your way.
  3. StressedM0mma

    StressedM0mma Active Member

    Jessi. I too am sorry you had to find us but are glad that you did. I can totally realte to what you are going through to find the right medication, and struggling to find help. I am in the midst of it with my difficult child daughter right now. And, I understand about being so frustrated that you would like to hand him over to his father. There are times when I would like for my difficult child to go somewhere else to live. To the point that my husband and I were looking into RTCs. We know it is most likely not a possibility, but sometimes it is hard to do this day in and day out. Wiped is right when she says try to take care of yourself. I have not been, and am paying for it now. I am going to be starting therapy myself to help handle everything. Take care of yourself. I hope things can begin to get better. (((HUGS)))
  4. buddy

    buddy New Member

    Hi and welcome. medications and autism.... just a really hard thing. Sometimes some medications can help a little but it is the interventions that help most. Sounds like you have some major school issues too. If they can't handle him, are tehy sending him home? Let us know. We can help guide you with some ideas for how to get some more intervention from school. Has he had a Functional Behavior Assessment (it is different from the main assessment to get him in special education)??? This is mandated and they need to do a POSITIVE behavior program to help build the skills that help him cope and not to be so volatile. I have a child who gets aggressive (also has a chipped tooth, but to show you how intervention can help... he is now 15 today--and he finished braces a couple of months ago! he wore them great and so far he is being good with his retainer). Often times many of these behaviors are related to underlying causes...not just the family drama.

    Has he had an Occupational Therapist (OT) evaluation? A speech/language evaluation. If you have insurance, I would recommend doing those privately as well as thru the school so you can get support in his building his social communication skills as well as working on any sensory or motor issues that can really impact behavior.

    If you can, maybe look into your county and see if there is a developmental disabilities division. They can give you a case worker to help you find financial help(even with your salary!) for supports, activities, respite etc. You might have a copay but can you imagine having a weekend off for you and husband??? Your insurance may cover pca help too. My son has Integrated Listening Systems (ILS) workers three times a week. YIPEE! I would not make it if not for that. And yes, he would not be living at home. i felt yesterday like I didn't even like my own son. It is normal to pull back and not feel bonded to your child when they are so difficult. You always love them, but for our own emotional protection I think?? we pull back.

    I can not relate other than knowing others...to the situation with ex. What an awful stress.

    hang in there... let us know more or ask questions or just vent it out.... or whatever you need...... HUGS!
  5. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    Jessi, ditto whatever else said...glad you found us, but so sorry you have to be here. I have a few questions that can help us support and help you:

    1/Has he ever been diagnosed by a neuropsychologist? If not, what type of professional diagnosed him?

    2/How was his early development?

    3/Lastly and perhaps more importantly...did his dad ever get a diagnosis? Things seem to run in families. My possibly totally wrong guess is that your son has been misdiagnosed and given medications that have not helped him because they are not addressing his real issues.

    4/Did your son have an overly chaotic infancy and toddlerhood. You say you didn't bond with him...do you hold him and did you cuddle and hold him when he was an infant? Was he ever abused by Dad? Do you have any other children?

    You may want to do a signature like I did below...it gives us an overview each time you post.

    Hugz, and you've come to a good place.
  6. TerryJ2

    TerryJ2 Well-Known Member

    Welcome, Jessie. So sorry for what you are going through.
    Yes, there is a huge hereditary component.
    Yes, parenting techniques, therapy and medications help.
    However, you've got your hands full, dealing with-your ex and his illnesses, and your son, too.
    When your son is calm, try to talk to him about his dad and how it hurts you to see him rage, and that somehow, you think he loves him, deep down but can't show it. Also, be sure to tell him that you love him, because with-all the issues going on, he will gather only the obvious info and assume that everyone is out to get him.
    Meanwhile, I would consider changing his school to one for autism, or getting him an IEP or 504 or whatever you can get for his age.
    I would also switch doctors. Get a neuropsyc, and call around for a therapist skilled in treating autism. It makes a huge difference. Don't ask the receptionist if the dr is willing, ask her if s/he has experience.
    Other than that, we have have had good luck with-imiprimene, clonidine and Adderall. However, if your son has bipolar and autism, the Adderall could make it worse. So many things to think about!
    Also, have you considered cutting out gluten and milk to help him calm down? Have you had him tested for celiac disease? That could be an issue with-the pooping. (Poop issues are common with-these kids, by the way, which may or may not make you feel better.)
    I would also sloowwww down his transitions. When it's time to go in the car, give him time to prepare. I use the 30 min., 15 min, 10 and 5 min warnings (in a nice voice). It works for "regular" kids, too. :)
    If you find that the warnings ramp him up instead, you may want to offer bringing along whatever he's in the middle of. My son didn't want to discontinue certain activities, and I cannot begin to tell you the odd stuff we ended up with in the car, just to get him in there, lol!
  7. Methuselah

    Methuselah New Member

    Jessie, I'm sorry you and your family are going through this. Please try to take care of yourself in the midst of all this madness. I understand how hard that can be, but it is so important. There are many experienced people on the board who will be able to help you and guide through issues you are sadly experiencing, including how to get the school district to do what they are suppose to do. Welcome.
  8. Bunny

    Bunny Guest

    Welcome, Jessie. The other ladies have given you more advice that I can, but I just wanted to say welcome. Hang in there. I can get better. It takes time, love, and ALOT of patience, but it can get better.
  9. jessiern

    jessiern New Member

    Thank you all so much for the advice. Things have been good the last couple of days at school. My son is always with a behavior problem. My husband tries to help as much as he can. He is a wonderful positive role model for him but he gets frustrated too. At this point I am so frustrated I can only take one day at a time. The judge let my ex have him for a whole week at Christmas so we have been trying to get him back in his routine. I just can't seem to get it through to a judge that routine and schedule is so important to my son and this family. His dad could care less. He has been diagnosed with depression and bi polar but has ignored it for 40 years and would only take medications. when I made him in our marriage. So he fights me every step of the way with my sons treatment. My son is seeing a psychiatric. doctor. once every two months and the counselour weekely. She has always been real low dose and cautious with his medications. If she does not do anything different and even drastic on the 18th I am changind doctors. It has been three yrs. and I need results! I have taking him to his pediatrician and he did a KUB of stomach. He says it is a mental/emotional problem not physical with the bowel movements in his pants. The school has not been that great working with me except for 2 wonderful teachers he has had. We were lucky we got the same kindergarten teacher for second grade. I feel guilty for her she is so good to my son but I know he is a problem in her class. I have taken a job working on the weekends Friday through Monday morning (did I say I am a Hospice RN?) so I hope that being home with him through the week will help. On the other hand being at home with him and my drama all week and then working all weekend worries me that it will be worse. I don't know this weekend it starts so we will see how it goes. I feel like such a terrible mom cause I am wearing so thin with my son these days. Some days he is so out of control over the little things that I am affraid he will end up i some facility if I can't turn things around. I am so hurt that his dad gave him this mess and he is able to go on with his new life and live his single party time life without being bothered with this on a daily basis! But I know I made this path for myself. I really need to get a better relationship with my sweet boy. He was such a difficult toddler. I remember in 2007 I had left his abusive dad for 14 months before he talked me into more counsleing and yet another try. My son was just into everything. He ran across the couch, hit my glass of soda and dropped it all over my laptop computer! I just cried for days. He would not let up. His dad was coming to get him whenever and I could not take another minute. I felt like I hated my son at that moment. I called his dad and said you have to come and get him! I cant take it right now! I was really affraid I might hurt him if I spanked him one more time! The guilt I carry because I brought this child into this crazy world will never leave me. It goes with me everyday. My future is uncertain. I do thank god so much for all of my blessings. I know that he is with me even when I think I am alone. I will not stop fighting for my baby boy until there is no more to give. I appreciate everyone. It is so nice to talk out loud to people going through the same thing. Have a great night.
  10. TerryJ2

    TerryJ2 Well-Known Member

    Well, I think you hit the nail on the head when you finished talking about your pain and resentment caused by your husband, but you have to move on and be the best mom there is. That's the ticket! No one said it would be easy. In fact, it will be downright HARD.
    I completely understand the running across the couch, knocking soda on the computer scene. My son could never get into the car normally. He either had to climb in upside down, or open the hatchback and climb through to the front. One day, I had stored my paintings for display at a local gallery, and he stepped right in the middle of a canvas. I swore so loudly! It was really embarrassing because the little neighbor girl was already seated and buckled in and her eyes got really wide. I apologized profusely and said, "You never heard that, okay? I am SO embarrassed. I was just really, really mad. I am so sorry."
    I know she went straight home and told her mom, lol!

    The only thing I can suggest right now is to take one behavior at a time. Instead of working on your son's tone of voice, his activity level, his diet, his therapy, and his medications all at once, I would just do one thing. Right now, I'd work on his activity level, and teach him not to run on the couch. :) Teach him that your computer is special to you. He couldn't care less what "special" means, but he will care when you teach him the consequences, which is time out in another room. You have to do it immediately when he does something, or he won't associate it. Really. These kids are different. Also, after my son was 8 or so, I tossed out the "one minute per year of age" rule. I had no qualms about putting him in time out in his room for an hour, to read or play, if I needed peace and quiet. :)