Well, we talked about it

Discussion in 'General Parenting' started by klmno, Jan 3, 2010.

  1. klmno

    klmno Active Member

    Actually, difficult child brought up family by jokingly saying when he got married he was going to take his wife's last name instead of giving her his. I asked why and he said because this whole family is messed up. I said "well, there are healthy families and unhealthy families. Unhealthy families are called dysfunctional- they have certain patterns and traits that get passed down thru generations so it's not just one or two generations that starts it or gets effected by it".

    He said "well in this family it's all of you too, not just me" (him). I said "I know and I'm trying, that's a big part of what caused my issues and part of why I was in therapy when I was young -and I don't want to keep passing it down and have tried hard to break the chain." He said he wanted to break the chain, too, because he sure didn't want his family to be like that. I said "good, we'll keep working on it and maybe at some point in the future after you are home, we'll talk about this a little more." He smiled and shook his head "ok".

    End of topic.

    At some point in the future when it comes up again, I'll explain that no matter how much we work on ourselves, we can't "fix" the extended family situation.

    Another topic of discussion was his latest charge. He says he wants to try to come home ASAP and is going to chill and stay out of trouble, but then also tells me that sometimes he doesn't really care if he stays in there or not and that if he comes home he mmight end up breaking the law again because sometimes it doesn't really bother him to be in there. He said maybe he needed the time in there to get his head on straight. Then he said sometimes he thought about it and compared being in there to living at home and ttried to think about the things he can do at hoome that he can't do in there. He mentioned holding the dogs, watching what he wanted on tv (I told him "within reason"), and a couple of other simple things. I mentioned that he could take a long bath at home, which he used to love, and he said that didn't bother him anymore because sometimes he was able to take a long shower in there. I said maybe if he was just worried about getting into trouble again that he should think about requesting a group home as a transition. He said he's heard guys say that it's better in there than at a group home and he definitely doesn't want that. He said the problem was that he didn't really worry about getting into trouble again, that sometimes he just doesn't care if he's in there.

    But then he said he didn't want the dogs to forget about him and asked if I thought they would. (NO.) I asked how much time he would have to stay in there to complete all his time without having to do parole. He said 21 mos on good behavior and he didn't want to go for that because it was too long. We agreed that if it was the 15 month shorter sentence, it would probably be worth it at this point. (That would get him out in June with no parole requirement.) Anyway, he's going to ask about still getting out in Feb but said he was doing it for me but doesn't believe they'll let him out before the end of March or early April now.

    The way he's talking lately I really don't know if he'll continue to get charges and having to stay in longer. I guess that is better than getting out and having another arrest. Still, I hope this sort of thinking he's doing is leading to staying out of trouble, but I'm not so sure it is. I'm also keeping it in the back of my mind that this is his "trouble" time of year starting and it will be interesting to see if his moods and way of thinking get worse before they get better. Honestly I hate to say it but it might be for the best if he has to stay in until the end of March.

    Oh- I also brought up that he's getting ready to turn 15yo and that a lot of things happen at 15- like maybe taking driver's ed and going on a chapperoned date. He smiled but doesn't really seem too motivated or happy. I can't honestly say it seemed real depressed either though. And this really gets me- he could have requested a 1/2 hour lunch visitation for me to come to "but forgot". I asked if he would consider asking for one on or around his birthday and he said he would. Then he started talking about maybe asking for food from McD's or something for it and seemed more excited about that. His face still looks bad from the fight- it's bruised and he has a busted vessel in one eye. His glasses are broken and he is going to request an eye appointment to get new glasses so the other boys won't realize that he's going to a dr to have the eye looked at. He's upset because he thinks he'll have to pay for this new pair of glasses since they were broken in the fight.

    Sorry this is so long- I just find it emotionally draining sometimes and it hurts my feelings that he doesn't seem to care more about living at home than in there or that it's worth not getting arrested again. I have a letter into him asking him to write me his biggest concerns that pertain to us or what he might want us to talk about- I can't remember how I worded it but basicly asking if something is bothering him that he would like for us to talk/write about. He'll get the letter tomorrow.
    Last edited: Jan 3, 2010
  2. TerryJ2

    TerryJ2 Well-Known Member

    Great that he gave you an opening. That makes it so much easier. You kept it light and simple, great for his age and development, it seems.
    That breaks my heart about the dog. Sigh.
    Sometimes my son likes McD's better than me. In fact, most of the time. I have given up having my son like me at all. Then when he spontaneously gives me a hug, I am pleasantly surprised.
    I know you didn't ask for advice, but I would lower my expectations in regard to receiving any reciprocal emotions from your son. He is not on the same page you are (clearly, or he wouldn't be where he is).
    So sorry about the fight and bruise and eye and glasses. I missed that thread. I was off the boards a lot over the holidays and am still catching up.
  3. klmno

    klmno Active Member

    Thanks, Terry. The reading I've started is helping me. It has reminded me that we can't expect kids to have the same priorities we do- Lord knows I don't understand difficult children. LOL! I also read that the middle school/early teen years when kids feel inferior (typically), that the inferiority is actually a normal stage in emotional development. I found that interesting- apparently it leads to them understanding that they aren't entitled or superior and develops into compassion and empathy and other good emotions.

    ETA Update (Sun. eve):difficult child just called and sounded in good spirits. He normally doesn't call on weekends but said he wanted to let me know that he asked another boy who'd had a busted vessel in his eye worse than difficult child's and the boy told him it would heal on it's on. He said he wanted to call and tell me because he knew I was worried about it. Ok, that was sweet and thoughtful! He said he really wanted to come home and the counselor in his unit told him this evening that she wanted to talk to him tomorrow about this charge and she was shocked he'd gotten in a fight. I told him (for the hundredth time) that people get shocked because they all can see that he's got a good heart and really is not cut out for a life of crime. I want him hope before April but also know it might not really be the best so I'll deal with it ok either way. And he seemed more excited about the possibility of me coming for 1/2 hour lunch with him on or around his b-day. I have just really missed him bad this week- it surprised me because I was dealing ok all this time. even thru Christmas, but this week has floored me.
    Last edited: Jan 3, 2010
  4. Shari

    Shari IsItFridayYet?

    Actually, K, this sounds pretty good to me. At 15, kiddos start spreading their wings. Even tho in so many ways, he's not 15...he is going to run the spectrum of ages - between the 11 or 12 that he acts, and the 15 that he biologically is. Which makes it even harder for those dealing with him to act/react. Hugs. Sounds like a step in the right direction to me.
  5. klmno

    klmno Active Member

    Good point. And I'm sure he's trying to keep himself from getting worked up over blowing his earliest possible release date, and mulling over how he's going to do at home. I guess it would seem to be a fine line in a young teen's mind between "I can do this and have almost completed it" and "it's not that bad, so what if I have to stay a little longer". Although I'm sure the staff doesn't want the boys to get comfortable there. LOL! And I keep reading in the news that they are going to have to start more early releases from doctor due to lack of funding. They didn't specifically say Department of Juvenile Justice, but I'm curious to see if they really do hold difficult child in there until around April after he'd been doing so well. They might- Department of Juvenile Justice has it's own director separate from adult doctor and I'd say I have PO sweating a little by not assuring him that we will be staying in this jurisdiction but I don't know where we will be.
  6. DDD

    DDD Well-Known Member

    I'm glad to read that you are feeling a bit better about the situation. We all are crossing our fingers that 2010 will be a healthier and happier year. Perhaps by spring your life will be more settled and the transition will be less stressful. DDD