Discussion in 'General Parenting' started by klmno, Apr 3, 2010.

  1. klmno

    klmno Active Member

    some of the truth at least (if not all) just came out. I had some money hidden in the house- it was all I have to pay bills on. He stole it- it could have been last weekend because that's the last time I went to it. He had taken it ALL and at first tried to lie about it until I told him THAT. WAS. IT. I HAD NO MORE MONEY. Then he gave it back- threw it on the floor at my feet. TG he hadn't spent all of it. I told him I had worked for that money. He said he had worked a lot, too, but had never gotten anything for it. I'll be taking the money from that check he got from Department of Juvenile Justice. That won't cover all he spent but it will be a chunk. If this was anyone except my kid....they would be arresting me. I'm so angry I am shaking.

    This came out because he just had to go walmart today so I made a list of things and went to get some money. After we had this scene, he said he didn't want to go to the store now. Yeah, I guess not.

    ETA after taking a few mins to aggressively scrub a pan in the kitchen (it's VERY clean now): I don't even know when he could have rumuaged thru the house enough to find this money. Now I'm catching his wrath. He told me to come on and let's go to the store. I told him I don't take orders from him. He thru gum wrappers on the floor and said F them when I told him to pick them up. He said it made no difference because if that's all the money we had then we were poor. I said it was his fault that was all we had and things had gotten to this point. He said then he would leave. He went out, came right back in....

    now it's all changed again but I'll have to update later- it's better than it was at least.
    Last edited: Apr 3, 2010
  2. ML

    ML Guest

    How utterly heart breaking. I am so sorry, K. You must be so discouraged. Just know that I'm thinking of you and saying lots of prayers.
  3. tiredmommy

    tiredmommy Site Moderator

    Are you going to tell his PO?
  4. klmno

    klmno Active Member

    I'm not sure on that one- difficult child has enough to pay back what he took- let's just say he's been walking around with money of four digits and handed me back all except an amount between 150 and 200 (which completely shocked me because he gave it back and because he's been walking around with this for days and didn't spend more or run away) and he has his check from Department of Juvenile Justice and some in a savings acct so I'm taking that. He started to leave but then came back in the house and took something out in the yard- then I saw from the window that he was writing something on notebook paper. I continued cleaning in the kitchen, he came back in crying, saying he knew it was his fault that we were in this financial mess but he couldn't believe how poor we were. BRB
    Last edited: Apr 3, 2010
  5. klmno

    klmno Active Member

    Anyway, I explained that this is why I need peace in order to work and earn money- most people aren't independently wealthy. We aren't in a good position right now- we used to have resources ( a little) that we no longer have. It was partially his fault because his wrongdoings and the resulting court issues cost me my job, but it wasn't all his fault because the economy hoovered for the past year. He still tried to BS me some about not realizing some things but I don't buy that- he should have kknown. My guess is that he bought this cell phone with that money- I'm not taking it because I want cash back from him- not the freaking phone. Also, I told him this situation was why I needed him to do his part as far as us having peace and him keeping lights turned off if he leaves a room, etc. He's been toeing the line on that stuff today. And, TG, still no violence. And he's not gotten on the computer. It's hard to tell with difficult child and maybe it's just because I'm his biased Mom (who doesn't want to give up knowing he has no good alternative), but these things make me think he took a couple of baby steps.

    Truthfully, I think he's already hung himself with the PO enough. He's done well today so far- after this discussion- he hasn't left but something is still up. He's either involved in something else although he's swearing he's not- that will come out later this week if he's lying unless there's some way to hide it that I'm not aware of. Or, as he has told me, he beleives he's going to get violated over what he's already done and he's antsy about that. I see indications of both, but still thinking something else might be going on and he thinks (due to what guys in Department of Juvenile Justice "taught" him) that he can hide it. But, I'm teetering on it and just waiting to see. PO will know about difficult child being gone Thurs night and not coming home until evening, missing appointment with mentor and me having to call police. Given that he'd already done other things prior to that and on Thurs he'd only been released 2 weeks, unless he toes the line beyond belief until he sees PO later this upcoming week, I feel certain he'll be back before a judge. PO had planned on just extending the house arrest longer and making sure difficult child understands that he WILL comply with a certain period of house arrrest before getting any freedom- then that is going to be a 6:00 curfew to start out with.

    The other possible issues that I'm concerned about- I've already discussed them with the mentor and will discuss them with PO. We had already discussed it and he was planning on checking into it anyway, but I'll be bringing it up again.
    Last edited: Apr 3, 2010
  6. Shari

    Shari IsItFridayYet?

    I'm so sorry, K.

    I have mixed emotions on not tellig PO, too, but if you don't tell him, that's almost an invitation for him to walk on yu again...think that decision thru.
  7. klmno

    klmno Active Member

    This will all be over soon- as least this phase. He was out all last night again and apparently planning on it again tonight. Tomorrow is Monday and PO will be back in his office. I guess difficult child doesn't care about anything but being around peers and he's probably happier in Department of Juvenile Justice where he can live with them. That doesn't mean that's how it will end up- he could get turned over to dss. As it turns out, difficult child was released due to something about his legth of incarceration and I have a feeling it had to do with his age at time he went in so I'm not positivee that the law allows them to put him straight back in for status offenses/parole violations. Department of Juvenile Justice has no group home that he can get in, at least that's what I was told.
  8. KTMom91

    KTMom91 Well-Known Member

    I'm sorry he's making these choices, k. Please stay safe.
  9. Wiped Out

    Wiped Out Well-Known Member Staff Member

    K-So sorry-you both are remaining in my prayers. Hugs.
  10. klmno

    klmno Active Member

    Another day, so of course, more drama. But thank you all for your support. Sigh. If difficult child ever did go to my bro I doubt it would last 6 mos at this point.
  11. LittleDudesMom

    LittleDudesMom Well-Known Member Staff Member

    I'm sorry k. I was so hoping that, at least for this one day, he would realize what a joy it is to be home. I know how you were hoping his coming home would be accompanied by his understanding that he needed to play by the rules. I suppose he just is not ready to accept consequences and acknowledge fault. Sad....

  12. klmno

    klmno Active Member

    It looked and sounded like he was going to run away- he said he wasn't going to go back in but he gave up because he had already messed up and would have to go to court agsain- except he wasn't going to be here. I told him if he left agaiin I would call cops immediately. (I know they will say to wait - that 99% of the time kids will come back or call and will be fine). Anyway, he left and had camping stuff that went missing. I was giving him a LITTLE time to think before calling. He called about 15 mins later and said he was coming back home. He got back home about 10 mins later- no camping stuff with him. Maybe he had put it up before he left- probably he sold it and had never planned on running away. But he's in the house now and using his cell periodically. I can't hear what is being said because I'm in another room working on the computer but the tone sounds like he's not too happy- not angry- maybe resolved. I'm trying to be a little cautious about some things I post publicly- he very likely could use a computer from a friend and look up my threads if he does leave.

    I have told him that the more he does, the deeper his hole gets but if it's ONLY breaking house arrest/curfew, it won't be nearly as bad as doing other illegal things. And it won't- Department of Juvenile Justice isn't aloowed to hold them long for parole violations like this. And of course, the more he refuses to comply the longer it will be. I've offered to seek help for him if there is ANYTHING he's hooked on or needs help with. I've told him I'm working, but I'm here and he can come and talk to me any time. He just wants to be left alone. So, I'm working and just taking periodic breaks while I have the peace of knowing he's here and safe and not breaking a law, at least for this minute.

    I forgot to check the mail yesterday so got it out of the box today and there was more paperwork from Department of Juvenile Justice- just copying me on a packet that included records on him. It also had initial evaluation stuff from his processing last year. He had told them then the same goals of college and so forth- I honestly don't think he has been snowing on absolutely everything- especially given how he cried and held me his second night home and said he was so afraid he would mess up and confessed several things to me. He did great that first week- not to blame it all on someone else, but that mentor was supposed to start at the end of that first week. The PO knows that- that's why when I called him and left that message last Wed and he called back, he said he had already called the mentoring company and told them to get out here and do something with this kid and get him out of the house and someone else to talk to and something constructive to do with a guy.

    ETA: He went and got a bag from the backyard that had the camping stuff in it. He's getting in the shower- says he's tired and his allergies are acting up (we both feel sick). I suggested he put comfortable sleep wear on, eat a bowl of tomatoe soup, get some rest, and regroup. I asked for a hug and he gave me one- a real one. He had to sleep 3 hours outside early this morning- other than that 20-25 mins he was gone earlier (supposedly running away), he's been in the house. Now the question is what he'll do tomorrow after he's rested again. But my plan is to make this call to PO first thing tomorrow before difficult child is awake so I can talk without difficult child hearing me. This PO doesn't appear to have the same all-or-nothing, black & white thinking that the probation officer did, so we shall see.
    Last edited: Apr 4, 2010
  13. LittleDudesMom

    LittleDudesMom Well-Known Member Staff Member

    k, I don't want to burst your bubble here, but you said "he did great that first week". If you go back and look at your posts from his first week, I think you will find differently. Certainly things weren't as crazy as they are now, but he was not following all the rules and doing great.

    Perhaps the mentor today and a visit with the PO will do something. I know it's so hard to understand how a kid locked up for so long with so little freedom would sabotage himself so quickly once back in the nest of his family. There's just no getting our difficult children sometimes.

    Fingers crossed that he stayed in last night and that he meets with his mentor today. Hugs.

  14. Marguerite

    Marguerite Active Member

    About that camping gear - I'm wondering if it's been kept outside under the house so if he's hanging around outside again and gets locked out, he's got something to use for shelter...

    I'm sorry he's being such a pain, but he's making his own decisions and has to take the consequences. His choices. Don't you feel guilty.

  15. klmno

    klmno Active Member

    Yeah, I guess that's correct, LDM. Maybe it just seems great in my mind because relative to things last week, it was a lot better.

    Marg, I think that might be the idea now with the camping gear but he hadn't gotten it out of the attic until yesterday.

    I've spoken with PO this morning but won't go into all the details here just yet.
  16. TerryJ2

    TerryJ2 Well-Known Member

    Arg. I'm so sorry.
    This breaks my heart, as he clearly has no impulse control (reminds me of my son ... then he cries and feels guilty but can't figure out what's gone wrong): he came back in crying, saying he knew it was his fault that we were in this financial mess but he couldn't believe how poor we were.
    Throwing it on the ground and swearing at you are so typical. I am so glad he gave most of it back, though.
    Best of luck.
  17. klmno

    klmno Active Member

    Yeah- that tendency to get angrier at a person who is justifiably angry at him is a manipulation technique that drives me up the wall because my mother and bro are that way. I have no idea if it's a typical immature way to try to "play" your parents or if difficult child just kind of picked up on this due to my dysfunctional patterns- like seeing my mother be this way toward me and thinking it worked.

    He is saying now that he has something to talk to me about sometime this evening. I hope whatever it is, that it's the truth.
  18. LittleDudesMom

    LittleDudesMom Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Did he meet with the new mentor today?
  19. klmno

    klmno Active Member

    No- we hadn't scheduled that on Friday because difficult child was missing then and we didn't know if he'd be found or arrested/held in detention, but he did call this afternoon as planned and he is coming tomorrow afternoon to spend a few hours out with difficult child. (TG!) PO told me to call him tomorrow and let him know if the mentor wasn't in gear by then, but it looks like that might turn around. Of course, I don't know how long that will last...

    I can say, so far, since the "return of the runaway with camping gear" that lasted less than 1/2 hour total, difficult child seems like a little oxygen is finally finding it's way back to his brain. I told PO about this, too- he said maybe this next few days is really what is going to be difficult child's wake-up call but it's better now than after something worse- and I totally agree. I'm waiting to see if he's going to follow thru with his comment to me earlier- "Mom, there's something I need to talk to you about." but every time I ask if he wants to do it now, he says no, we'll do it later tonight.
    Last edited: Apr 5, 2010
  20. susiestar

    susiestar Roll With It

    I am glad he was home today. Whatever he has to say, the waiting to tell you will likely be as nerve-wracking for him as it is for you to wait to hear. Keeping you and difficult child in my prayers.