What Does This Mean?

Discussion in 'General Parenting' started by WSM, Sep 19, 2009.

  1. WSM

    WSM New Member

    Last Sunday night husband was removed from the household and took stepdau and difficult child with him. I've seen them once since. Altho stepdau blew me a kiss when she left, when he brought her with him on Tuesday night with-police in respect for restraining order to get stuff, she was afraid to look at me, kept looking at me out of the corner of her eye. I knew that would happen.

    Anyway, when the police removed husband they told me CPS would be by within 72 hours. Tuesday afternoon the same CPS lady went to my son's HS. She asked him does husband drink alot? Son said, depends on what a lot is, he doesn't know how to answer since he doesn't know what she means by alot. She asked him how difficult child seemed. Son said he seemed sad. Asked him what time stepdau and difficult child got out of school. Son said 2:10 and 3:30 respectively. That was all. Son told CPS lady that he didn't like being questioned at school. She told him she had to talk to him within 24 hours.

    I haven't heard from her. I wonder why not? She's just too busy? Once she was unable to call me back because she only got 400 minutes on her work cell phone, maybe she's pressed for time?

    Now that he's removed from the house the kids are ready to talk more candidly, providing he isn't allowed back in (the hearing to convert temp RO to reg RO is next Thursday). No big huge secrets here, but a lot about husband's drinking (everyone agreed it got really bad starting early spring) and his endless yelling. All the kids and two of their girlfriends have seen husband hit difficult child, and a couple of them have seen him kick difficult child. I have a tape of stepdau's 9th birthday. She opens a iDS and squeals with delight. difficult child has stolen and smashed her Xmas one and her replacement one. Not realizing the tape is running, husband gets really angry and aggressive at the table and threatens difficult child with his life, great bodily harm, etc... if anything happens to this one. I'm willing to share if it gets husband parenting help. It's not enough to have the kids removed, I'm sure, but might be enough to force him into alcohol treatment.

    However, if he's allowed back into the house and the RO is lifted, that makes it very uncomfortable for us. I was going to tell the judge one reason, among the drinking and my certainly I'd have to call 911 again was that we were participating in a CPS investigation against husband and the RO was necessary also because of that.

    But the CPS lady hasn't shown up, so I don't know if that's true. It seems like it is, but maybe not. And it seems like her questions indicate that she's interested in his drinking and whether the kids are being cared for. But why hasn't she come to talk to the rest of us?

    Any ideas what this means or what I should tell the judge?
  2. gcvmom

    gcvmom Here we go again!

    Is it possible she's trying to talk to SD and difficult child first, and that's why you haven't heard from her?
  3. susiestar

    susiestar Roll With It

    I would call her and leave a voicemail on her office phone asking about it. The fact is that your son DID participate. The rest of you are afraid to participate in case he comes back.

    That ALONe should be enough. Combined with his drinking, with seeing him beat difficult child, and the kids seeing him KICK difficult child, well, the RO should be permanent. That poor stepdau was threatened a beating if she talked to you. I bet difficult child has had a number of beatings. NOT YOUR FAULT!!!

    If you don't hear back from CPS lady call and report the kicking and beatings to CPS. If they are not reported difficult child will continue to get worse and so will husband.

    the beatings and kicking shed some light on difficult child. Chances are his mental illness is ramped up to let him somehow cope with being abused. It doesn't make difficult child less scary, but it does make husband more scary.

    Sheds some light on difficult child damaging only husband's cell phone and electronics. Also on damaging stepdau's stuff - she is seen as the favorite. So she is a target because she is not being abused.

    You were not a threat. You told people about the problems, but you didn't hit him or beat him or do anything else to him. So he didn't target you as much.

    I wonder if a review of the security tapes would show husband abusing difficult child? I also wonder how else difficult child was abused by husband.

    Just a small shift in perception can make a HUGE difference, can't it?
  4. Twinners

    Twinners New Member

    I think it is standard operating procedure for CPS to go to the schools and talk to the kids by themselves. At least it has been in my experience. My mother was reported once when I was a teenager. CPS went to the schools to talk to my two sisters and I without my mothers knowledge. It was only after she'd finished gathering outside info (from us, the teachers and so forth) that she went to finally speak to my mother. Maybe the CPS worker is still in the info gathering stage of your case and that is why she still has yet to speak to you.

    Or, if the case only involves your husband and his children, maybe she won't have to speak to you at all since they are no longer living there. I know the police officer told you they'd be by within 72 hours, but I'm thinking the restraining order may have changed things where your involvement is concerned. Their primary concern is probably difficult children and his sister's welfare and that is something you will have limited, if any, say in or about from now on due to the restraining order/separation. That is just a guess on my part though. The only way you'll know for certain is to talk to the CPS lady yourself. However, if the case is only against/for your husband, she may not even be willing to discuss it with you at all. Still, I'd call just to be sure.

    When you say the "same" CPS lady, do you mean she's the one who was working on your case before now? If so, do you know if your name was on it or was it just your husband's?
  5. susiestar

    susiestar Roll With It

    I am hoping that the weekend has been peaceful and the week will also be peaceful. Don't let him in with-o an officer there and DON'T take HIS word for anything.

  6. JJJ

    JJJ Active Member

    In our state, CPS is required to set eyes on the minor children within 24 hours. They can take 90 days to finish their report and they are never required to speak to the adults.
  7. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    We would get a report saying we were not guilty weeks after contact. However, the calls to us were usually really dumb and trite, and many were from racist neighbors...and CPS knew that. I always got the idea that CPS is an underfunded mess with a bunch of clueless social workers running around, many just out of high school.
  8. WSM

    WSM New Member

    We've never gotten any results from a CPS investigation, although I have recently sent a notarized request. CPS usually just asks a question or two, takes a picture of all the kids, and then disappears, and we don't ever get any confirmation that it's unfounded. Just have to wait and see if we are arrested I guess.

    Once we had one really bizarre angry CPS lady who bullied us even tho we and she knew the allegations were unfounded (her supervisors took over the case), but she kept saying, "I know something's going on in that house, I know you are abusing him" (to me).

    I'm so glad I'm done with that life.

    I decided to call the local woman's shelter and ask advice. They gave me the number to the domestic violence advocate. I didn't know such a thing existed. I put in a call to them, left a voice mail message and hope they will get back to me. I guess if worst comes to worst, I'll just tell the judge right in front of husband that me and my minor child and other son are witnesses in a CPS case against husband and it scares me to have him living in the house with my sons and myself when he knows we are witnesses against him. My guess is a judge would see the danger in that. But I'd really, REALLY rather husband didn't know we are involved or that an investigation is going on, if one is, (or maybe the investigation is just continued from when difficult child made his first allegation 4 years ago).

    My head is just spinning and my life seems so out of control right now. I have lists: bankruptcy concerns, foreclosure concerns, divorce concerns, switching banks and direct deposits (because the foreclosure bank is also our savings bank), restraining order concerns, getting all the utilities switched to my name as he shuts off our services (DirecTV is so incompetent). Getting a motion in to prevent him from removing us from his health insurance, switching the car insurance. Selling the lease on his car which is in my name, a root canal (just what I need right now), getting my son to the DMV for his driver's permit (he's waited a month now, doesn't want to wait any more), putting two of my cars into my sons' name so they aren't marital property (my kids bought them from me for $3500 and $2000 respectively but they are cheaper to insure in my name so they weren't registered yet, I don't want husband to suddenly claim them), enroll in the EAP at work, pay the dorm fees for son at college and figure out what's going on with his VA stipend, fill out FAFSAs for two of my kids...

    Oh and I have to work too and go to the grocery and start separating out husband's crapp from mine. And figure out where we are going to live when we move out and how much I'm going to have...

    I am just spinning in all directions right now. :anxious:
  9. WSM

    WSM New Member

    But I'm soooooooo glad I don't have to live with difficult child any more. I'm so worried the restraining order will be dropped and husband and difficult child move back in. I couldn't stand it. I thought husband was staying at some apts next to his favorite bar, but now I'm not so sure. His car is never there not even at 6 in the morning when I drive by after dropping my son off before school. If he doesn't have a place, he may want to move in--residency hotels can be so expensive. He must be in a one bedroom furnished place since he only took two mattresses (none for himself) and hasn't wanted any tvs, dishes, or furniture. Only clothes.

    I'm very anxious about the RO.
  10. WSM

    WSM New Member

    So court is tomorrow for the restraining order.

    And I've called the women's shelter and asked for advice. They say call the court's domestic advocate's office. So I did, and only get a recording saying to leave name and number, and our case number and somebody WILL call back.

    I've left about 12 calls since Monday and no one's called back. Someone at work suggested maybe they will meet with me before court, especially if I ask the clerk to meet.

    I so don't want him to have permission to come back. He probably won't live here, but it means he can come in and out whenever he wants, at all hours, when I'm at work, and just walk off with whatever he pleases. It means he can come into the house at 2 am. Or when I'm at work and my son is home alone. He can come in drunk. He can bring difficult child.

    This is a recipe for another 911 call. Why doesn't the advocates office just call back? They've had plenty of time.
  11. klmno

    klmno Active Member

    The court's victim's advocate spends most of the time in court, at least here they do and they typically don't get involved unless a person has been seriously hurt or been threatened with serious bodily harm- as in, a weapon was used. Cases like a woman who's beaten to a pulp by a family member or who's had a gun held to her head. Still, since you requested it, he/she might talk to you a few mins before court and support your concerns in court.
    Last edited: Sep 23, 2009
  12. lizanne2

    lizanne2 New Member

    The dv advocate will probably be in the courthouse the day you are there. It is true that cases with severe injury may receive more attention but.......you can always ask to speak to that person.

    Be truthful...be forthright........ and it will be fine. DV day in court is a tough day! let us konw how it goes.
  13. rlsnights

    rlsnights New Member

    It sounds like you don't have a lawyer representing you at the restraining order hearing. I would ask the court clerk what the rules are about giving the judge a private note about the CPS investigation rather than discussing it in open court.

    It may be that you can do this and alert the judge to your concerns for the safety of you and the other children without alerting your spouse.

    Do you have any proof of the on-going CPS investigation? Even a worker's name would be helpful because the judge may require a contact name/number or further proof of your claim before accepting the info.
  14. Star*

    Star* call 911........call 911

    WSM -

    I was the one that told you to call the DV shelters and get advice. The DV advocates work literally day and night. If you've left a number of messages that is excellent - they know who you are. Call them TONIGHT and leave a few more telling them you NEED them in court tomorrow morning at XX time. There may be someone on the switchboard tonight that can get back in touch with you. Or ask them if there is a way you can come by there tonight and speak with someone to be sure they are there for you tomorrow?? Keep bugging them. Tell them you are scared and fearful of reprisal from him and his son. Tell them what courtroom, time - what you look like - what you'll be wearing. etc.

    If they can help you they will. Does your department have an advocate that can show up to help you as well? That may be an idea. I would hand the judge the tape and tell him that the drinking, the child - all of it is too much on all of your kids and you have a right to live in a house WITHOUT fear. WORDS YOU WANT TO use over and over if asked are -
    I am in fear - I have a right to be safe - I fear reprisal from (name husband and difficult child) - My children have a right to be safe - We ARE CURRENTLY SEEKING FAMILY COUNSELING TO DEAL WITH THE STRESS & TRAUMA - (these are things that a judge wants to hear - 1.) you are in fear for your safety & the safety of your children 2.) you KNOW you have a right to be safe 3.) You are so distraught now that he's out? You are taking yourself and the kids to counseling to begin healing. 4.) You're speaking with a domestic violence advocate & getting help.

    As far as the CPS woman? I don't think she's going to be too much on your side - (could be wrong) but her job is more for the kids that are living in a hotel right now with a drunkard. Their lives are upside down and they have to worry about what happens to THEM if HE goes to rehab for 90 days - would you take them? Or just her? Where would HE go (difficult child) things like that. So her concern now is trying to figure out what relative or placement those kids would go into if daddy dearest got treatment. AND talking to his co-workers, family, school teachers of the kids, their friends, neighbors - to find out what his character etc is like. Not much to do about you personally yet...if at all. I think if it were me - the less I talked to her? (registered letter fine) but the better. You know - kinda let her have her space to do her job.

    You'll be in my thoughts tomorrow - and it may be worth your while to find out where this DV shelter is tonight JUST in case you can swing by there in the morning BEFORE court - and let them know you REALLY need their help. Also HOW you dress tomorrow is going to be important - No dragon lady - you want to look a little - frazzled, worn out - worried....demure...dark circles - pensive. Not "I will skin you." But not - I'm lost with out you either. been there done that - As little eye contact with him as possible too - you WILL be being watched and all your actions as well. Keep that in mind as someone who wants an Order of Protection upheld for a lot longer. You may - and this would not be a bad idea - call the police station and ask them for a police escort into the courtroom. Tell them that you're not sure what he's capable of - and that you have an OOP for CDV and can you have an officer meet you at the courthouse? They (by law) will escort you to the courtroom too. The day I got my divorce - they brought me in wearing a bullet proof vest - and helmet. The officers were in full riot gear too. Not kidding. - ask for it.

    Good luck -
  15. WSM

    WSM New Member

    Okay, it was easier than I expected.

    Nobody from the advocates office ever called back. But the CPS lady did. She said someone else was handling this incident, and she was out of town for the week. She said she was aware of the situation that happened and was very glad we got out. The new CPS lady would certainly want to talk to me when she gets back from vacation. She sounded glad I called.

    I didn't sleep well. At court there was a hallway for the petitioners to sit in, and an adjacent hallway for defendants. I was there first. He walked around the corner. A few minutes later a lawyer appeared. A $520 an hour lawyer.

    Anyway, he came over to make a deal with me. He wanted me to drop the RO in favor of giving me exclusive use of the house. I said I want a piece of paper saying husband had to stay away from me and the kids. He kept saying 'that's what exclusive use of the house is.'

    Well, I fell for that in my first divorce. If ex shows up with your address on the license and his name on the title the cops will let him in the house, even with an exclusive use of the house clause if you are still married. been there done that. So it was resolved with the RO being extended until Oct 15. husband had filed for divorce altho I haven't been served yet and that's the court date for our first divorce hearing. The divorce judge will then determine whether to make the RO permenant for a year or forever, which s/he will never do.

    I agreed, I already was pretty sure that that's all today's judge was going to do and I still have an RO for another month.

    Sat on the bench some more. Lawyer came back, a bit belligerently. "There's nothing to this divorce. It should be all over in a few weeks. There's nothing to fight about." I agreed. He said it a few times. It occurred to me that husband had emphasized over how I was going to rake him over the coals and steal everything and screw him over. husband had accused me of that several times, but if he actually hired a $520 an hour lawyer, I guess it was more than just accusations, husband believes it.

    That's what paranoia will do to you.

    The lawyer came back after a minute and said, I was going to have to refinance the house if I wanted it. I said I didn't and had already spoke to a realtor, but in the meantime I expected husband to pay half the mortgage. Lawyer tried to play poor guy with little kids who was struggling to support them. I pointed out that was something he should have thought about before he went pushing his wife into a frig and that he was legally obligated pay half the mortgage unless a judge said otherwise. Lawyer said rather belligerently: he says it didn't happen. I said, they always say that, don't they? Lawyer went away and came back with the offer that husband would pay a reduced amount. I laughed. Not negotiable. Nor is the equity loan. Only a judge can let husband off the hook on that. Besides husband has $4300 a month in his pocket. He can afford $1690.

    Lawyer went away and came back and pointed out that $1250 of husband's income was child support and the judge wasn't going to use that to figure the mortgage payment. I pointed out that husband offered/included CS as income when he signed the mortgage, and it didn't matter, because he signed the mortgage and has to pay it. by the way, he also signed the loan against my retirement, and I wasn't going to bring it up, just repay it myself, but if husband wants to be a butthead... And there are lots of repairs on the house, husband left parts of it a fricking half remodeled mess. He'll have to pay half those too.

    Lawyer went away and came back again and asked how long the realtor said the house would take to sell. I said a year to 15 months left as is. Lawyer said husband was willing to let me have all the profit from the sale of the house if he didn't have to make payments. LOL. It's going to short sale for at least $15,000. No deal.

    Anyway. Within an hour the judge signed off the paper extending the RO and we were out of there. I didn't have to mention CPS or anything. By the time we left lawyer was relaxed and smiling. He said, this won't take much time, I'll write up the offer this afternoon and send it to your lawyer.


    husband never came within 100 feet of me. We left and that was that. I can be divorced within a month.
  16. AnnieO

    AnnieO Shooting from the Hip


    I am proud of you. No deal is exactly how you should have handled it. You rock!

    I am glad you talked to CPS. Every little step. I am just so happy this is working out for you. It's not been an easy road but you're doing great.

    LOTS of HUGS. :D
  17. Mattsmom277

    Mattsmom277 Active Member

    Whew!! I'm so happy to read your update. I know this is a stressful time for anyone going through something like this. Yet I'm so glad to hear it went smoothly. It sounds like it is going to be a simple divorce procedure and the speed is amazing (to me, always thought divorce was a long dragged out process!).
    Good job on sticking to your guns about the RO and the loan payments.
    I'm sure you didn't envision this going into the marriage but at this point in time, you are doing the very best thing you can do by moving on with your life.
    Cheers to a safer, happier and love filled future for you!!! You are a strong woman and I admire your coping skills and outlook.
    *high 5*
  18. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    I'm sooooooooooooo relieved for you. Please keep us updated. I've gotten attached to your story and invested in your well being and I'm sure I'm not alone. We all want to know you are safe and sound.

    I do feel bad for stepdaughter. She's her father's pawn in his sick game, but, as we all read and you found out, she is helpless to do anything but go along with him.

    You are getting lots of good vibes and love from central Wisconsin. I'm so glad you and yours are finally safe.
  19. susiestar

    susiestar Roll With It

    WELL DONE!!!

    That lawyer thought he would steam roller over you, ROFL!! I am sure husband sang a song of lies to him. Probably to CPS also. Just make SURE that the payments are made.

    Don't let him have ANY wiggle room.

    I really can see where difficult child gets his problems. Having a mental illness stinks, but having a drunken father who is also mentally ill and KICKS you is also a recipe for a child who is severely mentally ill. Heck, depending on the abuse from husband and biomom, the kid could have some major problems even without the inherited problems that come from his parents.

    IF your kids and the girlfriend that saw him kick difficult child are willing, make SURE that they can talk to the CPS lady and maybe even give a sworn statement to that effect.

    I have got to say, if my dad did that to me I would do a lot of things for revenge. Things like dumping his cell phone into the pool.

    Be prepared to find out more from your kids about husband than you dreamed was going on.

    I hope and pray that the divorce goes smoothly. Don't let him stick you with anything that you didn't agree to.

    Many hugs, I am so glad you are safe.
  20. JJJ

    JJJ Active Member

    Remember that alimony is not dischargable in bankrupcy but loans are. If at all possible, have them award you alimony equal to 50% of the debt and you pay the bills as your credit rating is on the line and you will become 100% responsible for the debts if he does bankrutcy.