Thanks for the repsonses- I went to work and difficult child went to school today, then we talked a bit and he just finished dinner. He should be starting homework- I'll give him a few before I fuss about it- so maybe I can respond to some of your questions.
First- it was more than damage to the house- I've been living with huge holes in the walls and damaged doors for 18 mos now- as someone who survived a marriage to a physically abusive husband, I understand the difference. I'm not ready to type up details to post on a public forum, given that there are too many people who know that I spend a lot of time on "some" forum pertaining to difficult child issues- but , well - nuff said.
I know that he KNOWS what he did was wrong- but right now, I don't think he's concentrating on that. Which leaves me thinking that if something isn't done about it, in some way, it will happen again. The problem though, is that if I inform PO or police, he will be locked up for a very long period and if he gets out as a minor, he'll never live here again. Even that would be worth considering if I thought he'd come out a better person, but I know he won't- it''s more like throwing him away- it sure isn't getting him any closer to learning a lesson so he can become more of a typical teen who can have a better future. So there is today's delemma.
I did disscuss with him today about therapy. For one thing, the therapist that we had an appointment with for tomorrow called to reschedule until next week. But I also reiterated to difficult child that my talking to a therapist was not about blaming him- that it is not his fault, but it's not my fault either. (BiPolar (BP)- or mood cycling- not last night's incident.)
My son and I are just wierd- we don't meet the norm in many ways. For one, difficult child was sitting with psychiatrist and myself for 3 mos last year, openly discussing what was going on with him, bipolar, etc., and this did add more confidence to the decision that this was mood cycling. psychiatrist and I both knew at that point that it would be the best time to get a therapist involved who could help difficult child understand it and live with it and help me manage it, etc. And, besides for the quack, and the "Mr. go-in-circles but never get anywhere" (both SW's), the other two (both psychiatric's), it has been the traditional family therapy or efforts for individual therapy. Really, I understand how the traditional therapies work. That isn't the problem- the problem is that it definitely triggers something bad for us and I don;t think I'll survive it- and I don't think it's the answer for us if I did survive it. If it was the answer for everyone, at least half the people on this board would have their problems solved.
But, it isn't ALL there is, and there's a lot being done to try to get more effective therapies for families of kid's with bipolar. I just haven't found it yet. And I feel that I have failed my son, because now, he won't talk openly about it. (Now, the medications have made him just stable enough that he feels like he doesn't have a problem with mood cycling anymore. Like, it left and will never come back.) As I said, we are just wierd, for whatever reason, the traditional therapies make things worse for us, and this isn't the first time that it has ended up with destructive episodes. (destructive to our relationship- regardless of any destruction otherwise.) I'm sure it easy to assume that it is because of him not trying or me being afraid or whatever, but when psychiatrist was meeting with us about it last summer, we never came home feeling that way, we came home feeling like we had some direction and hope. Unfortunately, difficult child's psychiatrist will not do counseling for anyone. We were having those discussions last year as a part of difficult child's evaluation.
I've been doing a LOT of research on the different types of therapy, and I do feel better now that I have read how traditional family works from certain perspectives, but a different type works at it from a different perspective. And CBT (cognitive behavioral therapy) for him individually is still important. They even have a named therapy for teaching him (us) how to monitor sleep & eating habits. Anyway- it isn't so far-fetched- NIMH did a huge study on it. Nothing I read in psychiatric or NAMI links, that was written in the past 5 years, is recommending traditional family therapy.
This other therapy starts with talking about what is going on with the person (as in symptoms), which I think would be a good way in for him because this is where ideally, someone would have picked up last year after all those talks with psychiatrist. It doesn't start with "what is the dysfunction in the family that caused this"- and it is written too many places that THAT is what traditional family therapy does. I know it works for a whole lot of people- actually, the first therapist I ever took my son to was for family therapy. He told me, after 6 weeks, that this problem was above his head.
So, about the out of home stuff- (if you made it this far LOL!) Is it possible for me to get difficult child in a place (if I did find one and want to pursue it) while difficult child is on probation and has a suspended sentence to be committed to dept of state corrections? difficult child is on this suspension until he's 21, doesn't that mean ANY placement would have to be approved by the judge? And while he's on probation, I thought the PO would have to approve it- but I'm not positive- I thought so though, because he would be moving from his current address if nothing else. What that leads to, is all of them reading about WHY I would be putting him there. That's when he'd be s****ed. And, since his behavior improved at shool, they won't pay for anything. Never mind that they had him arrested last year- they told me they recommend he stay in mainstream because he's doing so well. Admittedly, he has been doing well and showing lots of improvement, but when he snaps, he can't hurt somebody. PERIOD. I truly don't know that I could cart him off right now, but I have to do something.