Do NOT go to that meeting alone. DON"T YOU DARE!!!!!!!
You are being set up. This is designed to get you to admit that you did something to cause this and so they won't be on the hook if she ends up getting hurt or hurting someone and you claim they didn't hurt you. You also MUST take a voice recorder that is NOT obvious to them. If you have to buy a small one, it would be worth it. If ONE party is aware of the recording, then it is legal and YOU can be that party. You NEED husband and someone who is NOT a family member to go with you.
They want to sandbag you, get you to say something they can use to "prove" that you did something to cause this. YOU DID NOT. They KNOW they have done NOTHNG but make her worse - what other way can BT's idiotic advice and taking her to find a bank acct that didn't need your or husband's approval to open it, and convincing her that regardless of her grades she could go to college and support herself off of the huge pots of cash someone was going to give her as grants and scholarship be taken to understand.
Don't go alone.
Record the meeting in notes and with a voice recorder that they are unaware of.
ANYTHING they say you have NO response to until you have a moment or two to think before you speak. Stand in your bathroom and practice holding up a finger and asking for a moment to think before the meeting moves on. Hold up your hand/index finger and say "Excuse me, I need a moment to process this before we move on. Just a moment please." and keep that hand up until you are ready and then say, "Ok, what you are saying is Blah blah stupid stupid stupid. That did not happen. This idiocy did and we notified you each time with phone calls/emails/whatever. We want help for our daughter, have taken parenting courses from you several times, and now time is running out to deal with these problems. How will you address them?" Or whatever you need to say. Practice asking for that minute at home. Do it with husband, with friends, anytime you can so you are comfortable before the meeting.
Also practice, "I think I need to speak with a legal advisor before I can comment on that" and any other phrases you think would be helpful.
Take copious notes. If you can't find an atty or teacher or other person in the field of helping kids, take a friend. Have them take notes on everything.
In stressful meetings our understanding of what is going on/being said goes down. has to do with what they call the EQ or emotional quotient - basically you get upset and miss things. THAT is what these people are banking on. So do whatever you need to deal with your anxiety, even if that is a dr appointment before the meeting for a xanax rx or other medication - but DON"T take it the day of the meeting unless you know what it will do.
Inviting one parent and not the other is a really bad thing. It should be to BOTH parents unless one has custody and the other isn't involved. It is game playing. One thing that I did wehn the middle school tried to do similar koi during IEP meetings was to take my copies of books on the various problems Wiz had with me. EACH book had LOTS of postit notes sticking out. Different colors. One color was stuff I actually wanted to refer to if needed, the other were placed at random to intimidate. I had Explosive Child, Bipolar Child, a couple of Tony Attwood's books on Aspergers (scared their Aperger's "expert" who had taken a 8 hr seminar on autism as the sum total of her knowledge of the subject and later confessed that she tried to read one of Attwood's books but it "used too many big words and confused me". Her words- the me is referring to the teacher. I had wrightslaw and the parent report and something else.
I even asked those in attendance (fourteen plus husband and I) how many had actually met Wiz and/or read his IEP and file. Less than half - and I asked them how they were to help create an IEP for a chld they did not know, and did not know ANYTHING about? Sometimes those things are helpful, sometimesm not. But I LOOKED prepared and ready to cite my sources. The two people I knew were trying to bully us into allowing them free reign to treat him any way they wanted got the point that I would NOT roll over, esp after I kept asking them to be quiet so that I could cite a source for something that they claimed the books said and I knew they didn't.
Do you have a business suit? Some type of formal business attire or can you borrow something? I dont' know what your job is, but dont' go in dressed casually. Go dressed for hunting politicians. Marg would have some great resources for way to help with this.
Do you have any friends who work in a school who could help you by going with you? Doesn't have to be one of difficult child's teachers, or current teachers. Just someone. If I still lived in OH I would go with you. After the first 2 where they tried to bully me I kinda sorta started having fun with the IEP meetings. THis will be worse. But don't back down. Keep asking what they have to offer.
Take your Parent Report and a photo of her. When they want to talk about your short-comings, redirect them by saying, "we are here to figure out how to help difficult child best. This is not about things that cannot be changed. WHat can you offer to help us now?" Putting a photo of her on the table is a wonderful tool. Point to her when you say that. Imagine you are speaking to a whole bunch of four year olds who are trying to convince you that the cat got the cookies out of the cookie jar and then set the house on fire.
(((((hugs))))))
I am so so sorry they seem to be more interested in tearing you down than in helping difficult child. If nothing else, tell them that you are willing to put her back into kdg and make her do the work to that higher standard and let's get the school in here and get it set up. She can start tomorrow, and we will let her redo it all to the standard it should have been, and then she can graduate after she redoes ALL those years. After all, there is NOTHING you won't do to help her! (And yes, I DO know how stupid that is, and they will to, but you are AGREEING with them and working to do it the way they want, aren't you??) I am willing to bet they won't know what to do.
I wish they had difficult child's interests in mind. Karma is a bigger meanie than I am and she WILL get them. She just waits until they are not expecting it.
