Linda, I am so very sorry.
I am wondering if maybe your husband is doing what he feels he has to do for himself.
So many of us parents have had to outplace our children becuz we cannot handle the heavy every day demands of raising a difficult child....and sometimes we have respite, becuz the demands can be so hard to cope with 24-7. Haveing a disabled spouse can be as demanding or even more so than haveing a difficult child, becuz we expect and assume our partner will be there beside us, working hard, holding down the fort.
Your husband has a diagnosis of bipolar, and as such, and with his drinking issues, it likely means he is more frail than some people. I know you wondered if he had stopped taking medications, or if he had begun drinking again, BUT....truth is things may be just SO difficult for him with the kids and your illness, that he truly may not be able to cope with it all. He may truly be incapable. It may be beyond his control.
I know kt did just recently have something occur at school. BUT overall, it had sounded like kt was doing pretty good at home, and you do still have crisis team, right? and wm is safe in his placement. Will husband be continuing to go visit wm? will he be visiting kt?
Another possibility is, maybe husband feels like he is not haveing an opportunity to be a full time parent....with wm at his placement, and kt with her respite and PCAs and everything. husband may feel like there is little need for him to be present 24-7 becuz professionals are in place?
I can tell you that when my husband became so ill, and I had to go back to work AND take care of him AND the kids, and I had no family, and I had the worst in home help ever- I truly resented it, hated it, blamed husband for being ill.....and got myself back to college so I could leave. Alas, before I could leave, I became so ill....Life here was just pure unbelieveable. I often think the only reason my husband did not leave me when I was sick was becuz he could not could not take care of himself.
While I was sick, something occured to me. No matter what my husband had going on himself....our kids still needed someone, and even tho I was physically unable to do anything.I was able to BE here. Gradually I let go of most of my resentment at my husband for things- becuz he was sick.......just like I was sick. My husband did not choose to be mentally ill. I did not choose to be a quadriplegic. When I went back to work to support the 5 of us (and both DHs invalid parents)- it was NOT me supporting husband it was me taking care of my family, the people I love, and doing so in the name of love and family. Maybe if you look at things a little differently, maybe it will help.
So often we tell each other here that we have to do things for ourself. Do what we need to take care of us. For our own sanity. For our own health. Maybe your husband needs to do this for similar reasons. If he is being abusive in any way towards you and kt, then maybe if he puts distance between you all, maybe, possibly, he might be able to be a better parent at least?
Maybe he is thinking the grass looks greener on the other side, maybe he needs to spend some time where he THINKS the grass looks greener. Maybe he might find out it is not so green over there after all?
Hanging on to anger, hurt and blame at him is going to take away from your own internal resources, resources you are going to need now more than ever.
Does kt still have PCA and Integrated Listening Systems (ILS) worker and respite? Is wm still secure in his placement? Do you have in home PT and homemaker etc?
A little secret I found? My kids actually began to grow MORE after I got sick -we had no help by the time I got sick, and I did not get help while I was sick....now, be sure, my home slowly slipped into a pigpen style of housekeeping, not much I could do about it.....BUT......my kids learned a LOT and so did I. They learned some about cooking and cleaning, but more important, (at least to me) they learned about unconditional love, and what a person thinks they need vs what a person REALLY neeeds to live on (becuz I was sole financial support) and they learned how to show love to each other and to me like um....they would comb MY hair....brush my teeth........they learned to compromise with each other over what was for dinner.....or when dinner would be.....and they learned how to work togther to accomplish those things.
I am sure kt will rise up to meet the new challenges. Kids usually do. Yes, even difficult child kids do.
I am so sorry your husband is feeling like this is what is best for him. I am glad you have all the things in place hat you do have in place.