What to do?

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by GuideMe, Nov 7, 2014.

  1. GuideMe

    GuideMe Active Member

    I know some of you already advised me on this, but I need refresher and support.

    So, remember I told you all that my daughter sent an email to the SSA and said that I sell drugs, do drugs and work under the table? All lies of course. Well she got a response from them a few days ago, it was a semi- automated response and they gave her a few different phone numbers and other ways to report it properly. Her original email submission to the SSA was just to general SSA questions apparently. (I have the password to her email account so this is how I know).

    So, I don't know. I have a lot of thoughts flashing through my head right now such as , are they going to pursue this even if she doesn't respond? The email was really official and it scared me. I am also having high anger towards her for doing this. She did this on the same day she took all the pills that put her in the psychiatric hospital. I think that's why she took the pills, to punish herself for what she did, she couldn't even believe she sunk that low. But it still angers me and I'm scared, I'm not going to lie. I don't know what to do about this. I feel like I want to cut of all communication with her because of this, even though she is doing much better. I just think it's horrid that she would do something like this and put us in this position.

    And who knows when this can come up in the future. You know how back logged social security is. It could be six months from now or six years from now. This will always be in the back of my head.
  2. GuideMe

    GuideMe Active Member

    I just feel like I am keeping my anger which is as big as golliath at bay right now, however, I don't know how long I can hold it down for and I am severely worried it's going to rear it's ugly head (my anger) and cause major problems between difficult child and myself and on her progress. I am typing like a robot right now because I am too overwhelmed by this and it's going to keep worrying me to death from time to time. This is the stuff that makes me hate my life, that my own daughter would have to severely lie about me this way. It is such a major, major, MAJOR betrayal.

    I know that I have the truth on my side, but you know how these things can go. I just don't know what to do.
    Last edited: Nov 7, 2014
  3. SuZir

    SuZir Well-Known Member

    I of course can't guarantee anything but I highly doubt they will pursue investigation if she doesn't respond. To me it seems clear they send this automated response with info on how to make a proper complaint to filter out all the BS complaints they no doubt receive a lot.

    However I well understand why you are so angry. But dwelling in that anger is not good for you. Try to focus to your goal, getting your living situation sorted out and taking some healthy distance to your daughter. And keeping the peace just few more weeks.

    Go to a walk. Breathe. Try to consider this being just your kid lashing out. Nasty but unlikely to cause harm. Try to focus on positives in your life (e.g. just few more weeks of this crap.) Relax yourself and let the anger go, it is not helpful just now.
  4. GuideMe

    GuideMe Active Member

    Thanks Suzir, I guess my paranoid thoughts are screaming right now. What if they decide to investigate or do something even though she doesn't proceed in the proper manner? What if the person who intercepted that email, decides to report it for her? I know they will find nothing if they do investigate, but dealing with things like this cause great paranoia for me. The last thing in the world I want to do is deal with this. Especially since I am under review for the continuation of my benefits.
    Last edited: Nov 7, 2014
  5. Hope_Floats

    Hope_Floats Member

    I would just see that as another affirmation that you need to not live in the same house as she does. Ever. I don't mean this to escalate your paranoia, but if her pot is found in your house, she can say that it's yours and, since it IS your house, then it may possibly seen as negative evidence in your review. You just don't need that.

    On a positive note, that investigation, if it ever happens, would likely be slow and she'll be not living with you by then. They aren't likely to discontinue benefits with no evidence. Take a deep breath. It's likely that her urge to bring that unpleasantness into your life has passed for now. Deeeep breath.
  6. Calamity Jane

    Calamity Jane Well-Known Member

    Hi GM,

    The deed is done. What you have going for you is the truth, and the fact that the gov't is a huge bureaucracy and may never investigate. What hurts most of all is your difficult children betrayal, but you cannot dwell on that much longer or it will destroy you, even worse than a government investigation! Please try to put in perspective that she is ill, and it is a manifestation of her illness. It won't erase the hurt, and it's so difficult, and you surely didn't deserve this, but with some degree of compassion and time, you can get past this.

    I can say this only because my difficult child betrayed me in such a horrible, hurtful way a few years ago, that I wished the ground would swallow me up and I would disappear. My husband's family, who are all "perfect" knew all about it, and I had to face the shame of seeing them through all of this day after day. It didn't matter that my difficult child was manifesting some sort of lack of mental clarity due to drug use and other issues, because my hurt was so real and so raw. Time and distance and perspective will eventually mend things. Hang in there.
  7. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    GM, it is a good sign that you got an automated response. It means they get so many letters, they can't read them all and that they aren't going to do it now. If you feel funny about it and want information about what might happen call social security. I've called them with questions and not given my name. They answered the questions. I don't think you have anything to worry about and I get SSDI. If that happened to me, that is what I'd do or I'd go to my local Aging and Disabilities office and tell them what happened and what to expect. My guess is nothing will happen at all. I doubt Daughter will even send her fake complaint to the right people. It's too much trouble. And I also bet they get fake complaints like hers all the time.

    I don't know if this is your first review, but for me I didn't do anything or have to answer any questions. The SSDI just continued.

    Sorry for your fear. I truly believe nothing will come of it.
  8. 2much2recover

    2much2recover Well-Known Member

    I think you should gather and keep a file on how your daughter was put in the psychiatric hospital - to explain that your mentally ill daughter reported you because she is mentally ill. And I would start keeping a journal on whatever health issues you have should your disability ever be questioned. I keep a pain journal because I have a pain disease, not because I ever think my disability will be revoked, but because it is pain we are talking about, and should I need medications I can refer to the journal to re-fresh my own memory to what has been going on with my health. Be pro-active instead of reactive because it is your future financial well being at stake. Also be aware, because of your age, you could be called in for a review in any years leading up to being close to retirement years so keeping track of things would help if you got called up for review for any reason.

    Lastly, I can understand your anger at difficult child, she put you financially at risk when obviously, because you are on disability,it's the last thing you need.
  9. Tanya M

    Tanya M Living with an attitude of gratitude Staff Member

    Hi GuideMe,
    I know all too well how it feels to be betrayed and lied about, my difficult child has done it many times. I have found the best thing is forgiveness. Forgiveness is for us that have been hurt because when we hold onto the pain and anger we are allowing the one who hurt us to hold our emotions hostage. Forgiveness does not mean forgetting and it does not mean that the slate is wiped clean. I have told my difficult child that I have forgiven him for all the chaos, drama, theft, damage, etc... that he has done and caused but I also have made it very clear to him that to regain my trust, it will take him several years not just a month of showing that he can live a responsible and productive life. (still waiting for that to happen) I am realistic enough to know that may never happen but I will always have hope.

    It's an aweful thing she did to you.

    I think what 2much2recover said is very good advice!!

    Stay strong.
  10. recoveringenabler

    recoveringenabler Well-Known Member Staff Member

    I am so sorry GM, it is a terrible thing to feel betrayed, it hurts us deeply and impacts our ability to trust. I think the others have given you good advice, I can't add to it, I just wanted you to know I am reading along and sending warm hugs as you walk through this. Hang in there......
  11. GuideMe

    GuideMe Active Member

    Thank you everyone. Everyone knows the years, months and weeks leading up to this. There was so much anger between her and I, and so much fighting. If I told her to do anything, listen to rules or what have you, the more I try to enforce them, the more she fought back, with vitriol. She angered me so much that I was fighting back so hard as well, but she always won. There was no way I had the energy and anger that she had. The days before this incident, things got really, really bad. You could see it in my posts. Because I was truly afraid of her I called the courts at the suggestion of another member here. She heard me calling the courts and asking how I go about getting a restraining order for domestic violence from my own child. I took away her car and told her I'm leaving at the end of December. That's when she did what she did. She said "you gonna f*** up MY LIFE YOU F******* C*****, NOW I'M GONNA F***** UP YOURS" and then she did what she did by emailing social security. Oh AND SHE CUT UP MY CREDIT CARD two weeks before this and it's the second time she cut my credit card in the last two months. She left me completely financially handicapped for weeks (takes time to get a new one) because I depend on that credit card. Then I left because I was truly afraid of her because she starting going psychotic. I never seen anyone in that state before and I've seen a lot of stuff in my lifetime. I left the house, she called me and said she took the whole bottle of pills and the rest is history.

    If social security does follow up on this, I will tell them what you all told me to say, mixed in with my own. I will tell them the truth and show them records of what happened. I will also tell them they are more than welcome to give me a drug test every single day, I have nothing to hide. They can even put a camera in my home. I never sold one drug in my life. I never worked under the table, ever. I'm sure that they will need some proof of something if they ever decide to do anything. That's what I keep telling myself anyway. My question is, how did she know to come up with all of this and call SS? I don't understand how the thought entered her head to begin with.
    Last edited: Nov 7, 2014
  12. GuideMe

    GuideMe Active Member

    I guess I am having flash backs and I am very glad that I have this forum to let it all out, instead of holding it inside. I just wish someone other than myself can truly witness the rages that I have seen. Just watching it, never mind being the the person she took it out on, leaves a lot of trauma. I need to keep re-reading all of your words in this post to fight off the trauma. I am going to get up and brush this off now. I love all of you guys and thank you so much for being here with me and guiding me.
  13. InsaneCdn

    InsaneCdn Well-Known Member

    It's amazing what a psychotic brain can come up with.... seems to be based on bits and pieces of previous information, and when they go off the deep end, it seems like these seemingly innocent bits of info click together into some diabolical scheme.
  14. Tanya M

    Tanya M Living with an attitude of gratitude Staff Member

    I would suspect that she may have had help with that. I remember when my son was in prison and was getting to released, in a phone conversation he said "in order for me to get out of here I need your SS #" I knew better than to give it to him. I called the prison myself to find out why he would say this and I was told that the inmates are very creative and clever and this was a common scam among them. Some parents would actually give their SS # to their adult child who would then upon leaving prison use it to get credit cards and rack up the bills.
    You said that she has cut up your credit cards, if you are able you might consider getting a small safe or a safety deposit box at a bank to keep your valuables.
    I am so sorry you are going through this. I know just how you feel.
    Please try to do something nice for yourself.
  15. recoveringenabler

    recoveringenabler Well-Known Member Staff Member

    GM, many of us here suffer from a form of PTSD. One cannot live in such chaos, drama and unrelenting stress without it having some kind of negative consequence. My understanding of it is that all of that continuing fear creates a new neuro pathway in our brains where we immediately go when we are faced with any kind of anxiety. The problem with that is that we stay stuck in the fight or flight response which sends continuing waves of stress hormones throughout our bodies which, over time, can do some real damage to us. For me, after realizing all of that, I made every attempt to recreate a new neuro pathway by learning different ways to respond to stress, thereby re-training my brain to NOT go to that fearful, anxious ridden place of high anxiety. It was a process, but one can change those responses. The body has a remarkable ability to heal itself, you can change this.

    You've been in a war of sorts for a long time and you're battle weary. It is exhausting and depleting and robs us of the quality of life that we not only deserve, but have to have to move ahead in a healthy, joyful, calm way. Even the simple act of going for a walk can shift the energy. Take a bath. Meditate. Do deep breathing, which will calm you down immediately. Listen to calming music. Put on a yoga video and do a half hour of yoga. Find a meditation on youtube and listen to it. Get yourself what COM calls a toolbox. An arsenal of things we do when the anxiety gets to be too much for us. So when you are confronted with all the fears, you have something right there in front of you to use to make yourself feel better. It works. Acupuncture worked well for me too, it is a very good means to reduce stress.

    Hang in there, you've been traumatized. It's helpful to recognize that and to find ways to heal from it. Sending warm hugs.........
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