what will happen

[CrazyinVA]

Try not to think too far ahead, stands, as to "when he gets out." One day at a time, remember? :smile: Let it go. It will work itself out, one way or the other.

Another book suggestion is "Codependent No More" by Melody Beattie. It helped me a great deal.

 

[ScentofCedar]

Hi stands~

My moods were DIRECTLY dependent on how her moods were. I even felt GUILTY sometimes when I caught myself being 'happy' when I knew that she was not.

For me - it was a vicious cycle. I tried to control others lives because when they were unhappy, I was unhappy (that part is sooo key to our understanding). I was unhappy because others lives were unhappy so I tried to control their lives. Can you begin to seen the pattern of insanity?

Now instead I try to see it this way. I try to be happy inspite of the fact that others lives are unhappy. I have no control over others lives, which in turn frees me to be happy. And the cycle perpetuates.

And when I say happy - I don't mean skipping through the daisies happy - I mean having that inner peace that resides inside of me - in spite of external chaos.

It is a long journey. We are all fellow sojourners. But, we all move at different paces ... and we are all in a different place on the long road.

This was so clearly stated, Golden.

I never could understand how the control piece fit in ~ though that is what I was told, again and again. That I was either controlling or worse yet, manipulative.

But it didn't feel that way.

I felt that all things were absolutely OUT of control ~ and that nothing made any sense, in the typical cause and effect way life usually works.

I just wanted everyone to be happy and healthy.

The down side to that is that I was outraged (without admitting it, or ever letting myself acknowledge it) that those I loved were messing up everything I had worked so hard to achieve.

Your posting fills in an important missing piece for me, Golden.

I will have to think about this very much.

It is as if you are standing at the other end of a long, dark forest, holding a lantern so I will know which direction is the way out of the forest.

I'm so glad you posted as you did.

I still harbor so much resentment, and am still so often ashamed of the way everything has worked out.

I have never been able to see it this way before.

Barbara

 

[KFld]

Take this time to gain strength and set up some kind of game plan so that you don't allow yourself to fall back into it. I think one of the best ways to do that is to really think about how much better YOU are when he's not in your daily life and then set boundaries.

This is kind of what I have needed to do with s2bx because I have realized how much better my life is each day that I don't have contact with him. I realize it's much easier to do this with a s2bx then it is with your own child, but I have done it with my child also.

 

[witzend]

Golden, this is food for thought. I still have a long way to go with M. I have removed myself, but I don't think I have let go. I'm thinking Christmas card. Then again, I'm on my second glass of wine after a long day in a long week....

 

[standswithcourage]

I understand completely and I am glad you all posted! I went to the jail tonight to give him money that is his and that is all he is getting. I walked out without seeing him. That is a biggie for me. I hate going down there. Before I felt like he needed my support which he still has when he decides to do the right thing and get help. How can I believe he is ready when he is where he is. He will say anything. I havent heard back from the lawyer that I wrote a letter to. Oh well. Also I was wondering if I should contact the mother of the boy that my son got in trouble with. I was wondering if I told her he neededhelp she would see that instead of sending him to prison. I know that is crazy but it runs around in my head like it is the last thing I can do to try and redirect his fate. I am afraid he wont survive in prison. He might not survive on the street either. It is so hard to come to grips with what we are sometimes. I am as bad as he is sometimes in my ways of thinking about stuff. It just makes it really hard around the holidays for some reason but it seems it is a time to be happy. I am happy he is still alive. As long as he is living there ishope. I will say we all need to be prayed for. :angel:

 

[goldenguru]

I just wanted everyone to be happy and healthy.

Isn't that what we all want? The trouble is (as you have wisely pointed out - the lengths that we will go to to achieve that end. Manipulation/control - some of the best tricks in my bag.)

For me - the epiphany moment was in realizing that I wanted my daughters happiness because my own happiness was dependent upon hers. That is when I realized that my life was enmeshed in her in a very unhealthy way.

Somehow - in a good hearted attempt to be a good mom - I lost sight of where I ended and she began. Sometimes I still struggle to see the blurred lines - but I'm working at it.


Believe me - I don't have it all figured out. I'm a work in progress just like every other valued member of this board.

 

[standswithcourage]

I agree with what doesnt kill us I ought to be Superwoman by now! Amen. I know you are right. One day at a time. We should live every day like it is our last. I lay awake at night praying and wondering what I should do. I pray for God tohelp me see his will.
I always go back to should we bail him out? and then I think for what? He would go back to his ways because he is not actively seeking treatment nor was he before he got arrested. How can I go through that hell again? Bail him out and kick him out and say go find somewhere else to live over and over again? That is so stressful. I am so tired of it. It is like find yourself somewhere to go and realize you need help. I have already realized over and over again so much I am almost numb.

 

[CrazyinVA]

Also I was wondering if I should contact the mother of the boy that my son got in trouble with. I was wondering if I told her he neededhelp she would see that instead of sending him to prison.

I think this would be a mistake. Honestly? It seems to me that you're trying hard to detach from your son's situation, but at the same looking for someone else to "help." It's not your place. It's not your problem. The only person you should be helping now .. is YOU!

I know some of what this is like. When your life has been consumed by helping your child, so consumed that it's your child's illness/issues that define who you ARE, it's very difficult to move past that. It takes practice, and work, to figure out who you are withOUT your child(ren). For me, it's an ongoing process.

Focus inward. Not outward. Not on other people. Focus on YOU. Al-anon will help.

 

[witzend]

No, you should not call the boy's mother. It is inappropriate on many levels.

 

[Kathy813]

He would go back to his ways because he is not actively seeking treatment nor was he before he got arrested. How can I go through that hell again?

You are exactly right. He would go right back to the way he was before he got arrested.

And you would just be in a different kind of hell.

Stay strong.

~kathy

 

[SunnyFlorida]

With kids like ours, it's very easy to get swept up in their day to day drama. For so many years they have needed "extra". Extra parenting, extra encouragement, extra time, extra everything. With so much "extra", we as moms keep on giving and they keep on taking.

Try playing a game with yourself. How about everytime you find yourself thinking about what a mess he's in and how you can help him, you put a $l.00 in a jar. At the end of the week, you use that money for a pedicure or something just for you.

The trick here is not to be consumed by your difficult child. It's ok to be sad about his situation, it's also ok to be mad about his situation. It's the intertwinedness of his situation and your daily functioning that's causing you heartache.

It hasn't happened to you yet, but in time, you will focus less and less on his shenanigans and more on yourself and your relationship with the rest of your family.

 

[Anna1345]

You really are staying strong and I commend you for doing everything you can to change for YOU. It is awful not knowing and not having the patience to wait. I am like that. I think that because I can not control the situation, I go batty waiting for a result. I often find that children who grow up eventually have to say "Yup, I've had a tough life and rough patch but now I need to act like an adult." Those who do not do this, usually wind up in trouble. It is probably a combination with your son of mental illness AND addiction. I find one usually feeds the other. Just like he has his own addictions, he is your addiction. You need to get help for that like he needs help for himself.

As for telling the mother, I would not approach her. Put yourself in her shoes. Would you want his Mommy coming to his rescue so he can get off easier? He is a grown up and made his own decisions, now she will probably feel sorry for the pain he has caused you , but it does NOT negate his actions and it is his problem.

I do not agree with Bailing him out either. If he were totally innocent and really was being falsely accused, that is a different story. However, he has 3 hots and a cot, time to think and really reevaluate himself. And if he doesn't do that, then maybe nothing will make him do that.

Also keep in mind, you have two other children who love you and depend on you. They need you right now just as much as he does. They truly deserve all this energy you put into him, being put into them.

You are a stronger person then you know. Just remember, little by little, step by step, one by one.

 

[standswithcourage]

Anna you are so wise. You know me well! He is my addiction. It is as hard for me to stay away and not focus on his problems and not try to fix as it is for him to stay away from drugs. I do go to therapy and Alanon. It helps but I have to stay strong. If he has a mental illness who helps him with that? I have always wondered but when we take him to doctors he is so interested in the medicine he is going to get he lies to them. I wonder if I need rehab? I am thinking about going to Celebrate Recovery also. Any other suggestions. You are right about bailing him out - I wouldnt do it - I am afraid he might die before he went to court or get in more trouble. Also, like you said and my husband said he is guilty. I hate it so much for him and us. Thanks for giving me support. :flower:

 

[Big Bad Kitty]

Susan,

It probably can't be determined until well after your son has been clean awhile whether or not he has a mental illness. You certainly can't tell if he's all doped up on Xanax.

That is another one of those things that he, as a grown man, needs to take care of all by himself.

You do not need recovery. But you most certainly need to never miss an Alanon meeting.

Do you have a sponsor there? Is she on your speed dial?

You have some time here, unlike the time when he was home and you were a nervous wreck, where you can be worry free and not have to be concerned with will he call for a ride home, will he break into the house, will he ask for money for medicine. You have NONE of that to concern you now.

TRY to push the "what ifs" out of your mind, and enjoy the calm. You're missing the calm!! Don't let it slip away!

 

[witzend]

I do go to therapy and Alanon. It helps but I have to stay strong. If he has a mental illness who helps him with that?

He helps him with that. There's not much to do in prison. They have AA meetings there. He can go or not.

 

[PonyGirl]

You're missing the calm!! Don't let it slip away!

Excellent advice!! What a great way to say it.

Stands, I too wondered about mental illness with my difficult child. And there is absolutely no way to determine anything while they're still doped up. My difficult child never did get treatment for any mental issues. I had suspected depression, bi-polar, ADD, but it turned out he was just a genius....Too dang smart for his own good...

Please try to let that go, chances are good that if he had any significant illness you would know it already. Drug addiction does magnify depression and normal personality issues, makes them appear to be more serious.

Keep going to Alanon!! Good for you!! And remember, Enjoy the Calm!!

Peace

 

[standswithcourage]

I read today in my devotion about God was in control. The whole devotion was about that. I read it before I went to see him in the jail today. I know He is in control. I need to leave my burden there - because I cannot do anything about it. I do not want to bail him out. It is sad that he will have to spend the holidays locked up but at least he is not dead. that could happen.

 

[Anna1345]

{{{HUG}}}}

Just thought you could use it....

 

[standswithcourage]

I can! Thanks. Read my post under jail visit!