"What's surprising is that we don't have a dozen kids"...

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by lovemysons, Nov 9, 2011.

  1. lovemysons

    lovemysons Well-Known Member

    This is what my daughter in law told my mother the other night.

    We were having a birthday party for grandson and daughter in law (their bd's are both on Nov 7th). My mom asked daughter in law what their plans were? How they plan on supporting 3 children? What precautions are they taking to ensure they don't have any more and have they been taking precautions?

    daughter in law told my mom that she didn't know what they were going to do and that NO, they have never taken ANY precautions and that what's surprising is that "we don't have a dozen kids".

    I have no idea what we are going to do about these difficult child parents. Poor husband wonders just how many more years does he have to work to support an entire family (not ours but difficult child's).
    And I am just a bundle of nerves. There seems to be no end to this and it almost feels personal.
    I am a tired grandma...I love the grandbabies with my whole heart but I can't believe daughter in law and Young difficult child have no plans but to keep having children that they themselves cannot afford.

    Just a vent/update...feeling overwhelmed.
  2. buddy

    buddy New Member

    Tough situatuation. you can't let the kids go without, yet what reason in the world to they have to think they can't just have tons of kids as long as they have you to care for them? I dont know what i would do. I know there are some who would say to use tough love but the kids didn't ask to be in that situation. I am so sorry for the struggle and your worries. you deserve to be able to just spoil the grandbabies to death and then send them home to be parented by their mom and dad. I hope there are people here who can give some advice, in the meantime you have my support and luv, Buddy
  3. lovemysons

    lovemysons Well-Known Member

    Thank you so much for the support and Luv.
    You're right we can't let the grands go without.

    daughter in law and the kids have been at our house since Sun night.
    Grandson has been crawling into bed with husband and I. He is my little sweetie...but he takes up ALOT of room lol. I couldn't sleep.

    I do so wish we could spoil them rotten and send them home to responsible parents but that isn't the case.
    My mother, meanwhile, is trying to write a letter to get us on the Dr Phil Show.
    We have to put an end to this arrangement...can't go on forever.

    ps...I apologise for not being more supportive of fellow board members. I only have the computer alone and to myself in the wee hours of the morning. The rest of the day it's hit and miss plus my medication makes me extremely tired and I sleep alot during the day.
  4. buddy

    buddy New Member

    No worries, if anyone understands that we all have issues and that we all can only do what we can do, it is those of us here! You just take care of yourself and yours. Your medications? have you told your doctor they make you so tired? If you have to be on them, and at that dose, maybe they can give you something for the side effects. I had that happen for a couple of years and they gave me a medication that is not an amphetamine, but is closely related, and has less side effects than Ritalin and others like that. It was Provigil and there are others like it. You can have it called in and get refills on it, so not in the same class as Ritalin but it is controlled more than others because I had to change pharmacies and they said it can only be done once with that kind of medication.

    Just a thought, maybe you have tried it already but in case...

    It would be great if you could get that kind of suppport and I know they did some shows like that before. I remember one family where the dad seemed delusional but Dr. Phil never said so. He said God was telling him he needed to do x,y, z he felt that he WAS working though it was all on his invented jobs and got them no money. they ended up in rental housing with no water, no electricity an no gas. very cold and they had just had another baby because God wanted them to accept any children He gave them. Grandparents had bailed them out many times, were running out of money, etc. They had to stop. I bet you can find it in the archives for their show. The kept saying the kids dont mind, they are fine...Dr Phil said he himself had to live that way and the kids ARE NOT fine. They just wont tell.

    You are doing the best you can for now (and it is worth the lost sleep --once in a while that is---for those cuddles, huh?) If not Dr. Phil, what about a community health psychiatric who can do a family meeting?

    Thinking of you...
  5. lovemysons

    lovemysons Well-Known Member

    Honestly I love my medication. Yes, I sleep alot and have gained a TON of weight...but I am emotionally fairly stable now not completely out of sorts like I was for many years just used to be a very very intense person.
    I could ask my psychiatric to try something additional I suppose...But I am also relieved from extreme anxiety that I experienced most of my teen and adult life until the Abilify. I would hate to be on anything more than my morning caffeine to give me energy or cause jitteriness.

    And yes, smile, about the "cuddles". Grandson kept wanting to put his arm under my head for support as we were about to go to sleep. I told him my head was too heavy and he told me he had "big muscles and it was okay". I cannot tell you just how much my grandson warms my heart. What he and granddaughter have experienced...the instability in their lives I do believe WILL have an effect let alone the emotional upheavel.

    Thanks again Buddy...You're a sweetheart.
  6. buddy

    buddy New Member

    that is too sweet... he has big muscles!

    I had no idea what kind of medications or why, yeah, if for moods or anxiety I dont think I would want to play around with anything that would maybe affect the positive results I was getting. Your emotional health is too valuable.

    Take care! Your kids and grands are truly blessed to have you.
  7. elizabrary

    elizabrary Member

    I know how hard this is as my daughter has a 2-year-old who I love with all my heart. I absolutely limit what I do for them. I had to kick my daughter out of the house knowing she was taking the baby with her. It's heartwrenching. I buy things for the baby and take her for overnights a couple of times a month, but I have had to make up my mind that KK is Kat's daughter and therefore Kat is responsible for providing for her. Does she do a good job of it? No, and when I thought the situation was out of control I have called CPS three times. But it has never been bad enough for them to remove KK, so there it is. This is her daughter and her responsibility. I have been scared to death that she will have another baby as well, but so far that has not happened- thank the lord. And I have talked to her about birth control, but she blows me off, so I have no idea if she's on it or not. I can't control that, I can only control what I do. And I do what I can for the baby, but not at the risk of my own mental and financial health. I know how difficult this is and wish I had great advice, but in these situations we do the best we can at any given moment. Hang in there and I'm sending positive thoughts your way.
  8. Signorina

    Signorina Guest

    I think Eliz has offered great advice.
    if you want to meddle (I know I would), i would call her OB and explain the situation and implore the OB to recommend an IUD to daughter in law once the new baby is here. I might consider accompanying her to a prenatal appointment or two to "scope" out the OB if I was concerned about contacting them directly. I am sure it's an ott suggestion and the OB may dismiss you as a nutty mother in law, but I might take that chance.
    Lasted edited by : Nov 9, 2011
  9. rejectedmom

    rejectedmom New Member

    I have a friend age 60 who is raising 3 out of 5 of her adopted daughter's children. She gives food and gifts to the other two. Her husband will work till he can't anymore to support these kids who have 4 different fathers three of which are non-supporting. They would have all 5 if they could but had to draw the line due to their financial situation.
    I do not know what I would do in their situation or yours but taking care of yourself is just as important as taking care of the kids. -RM
  10. buddy

    buddy New Member

    That's how I ended up with my son.... His maternal bio grandparents/family drew the line. They took 4 of the six. Q's full sister is with them. His half brother now in his twenties and he were both placed into foster/adoption out of the family because they both had special needs. Poor kids.
  11. DammitJanet

    DammitJanet Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Get that worry. Cory and Mandy ended up with McKenzie because they didnt think Mandy could get pregnant. She hadnt in all that time since they had been together and they hadnt been using birth control. Supposedly she cant use any and heaven help that they would use condoms. I dont know what will happen now that the baby has been born. Im hoping that taking care of a fussy baby is pretty good birth control....lol.
  12. rejectedmom

    rejectedmom New Member

    My difficult child doesn't use BC either. We have had our share of pregnancy scares and forgive me but I am so very glad they were just scares. There is such a small chance that he would have a normal child that I wish he would have a vasectomy done. Alas, he (yipes!) wants kids (note the plural). Sigh
  13. DDD

    DDD Well-Known Member

    Sadly I understand. Sure wish I didn't, lol. husband and I decided to share parenting of difficult child#1 because we knew he would not have any structure. As everyone here knows he's lived with us 24 years...not what we planned. difficult child#2 was such a needy little boy because we stuck to our guns and said we would co-parent her first "mistake" but should she choose to get pg again she would be on her own. It was very difficult only seeing difficult child#2 once a week and knowing he was not getting the nuturing he required. He ended up living with us for close to eight years before his biomom "reclaimed" him and he has gone down the tube as a result. When she purposely got pg again and had her daughter I finally drew a line. She is nine and I have never changed a diaper, babysat etc. I have been the emergency contact for schools etc and I invite her to come visit a few times a year...for about four hours at a shot.

    There is no win/win in situations like this. Your husband has very valid concerns about financial security for the two of you. It doesn't seem like it's going to go on and on and on but one year slides into the next and sooner or later you see the handwriting on the wall. I have no advice but do try to see the picture as a long range one. Hugs DDD
  14. Steely

    Steely Active Member

    Gosh - I would be freaking out too. I think you are going to have to draw the line at some point, and tell them that either they start using bc or you will be unable to help to the extent that you are.
    Maybe it would help for you to go in and sit with daughter in law and the ob and discuss all the different options? Or maybe you could convince her to have her tubes tied after this third child is born? Something has to give!!!

  15. Kathy813

    Kathy813 Well-Known Member Staff Member

    I don't have any answers or advice for anything right now. Just know that I feel your pain!

  16. lovemysons

    lovemysons Well-Known Member

    Thank you all for the thoughtful and caring replies.

    I think the idea of going to OBGYN with daughter in law is a good one for sure...Assuming she will let me go with her. I know she hasn't seen a DR yet.

    Janet, unfortunately both of thier children are fairly complacent. Granddaughter has alot of "fire" in her and is quite smart but she will lay down and go to sleep on request...so unlike my difficult child son's when they were little. I know daughter in law thinks it's all about the parenting so far...thinks that their children are so well behaved because they are doing such a wonderful job. LOL...they have just lucked out so far and not gotten a full-blown difficult child. I keep telling her that you don't become a "bad" parent just because you have a challenging/difficult child...I am one who happens to believe strongly in genetic predisposition/leaning etc. Yes, nurturing helps but if there is that natural bend toward (fill in blank) being a difficult child etc I think you're just stuck with it and life is more difficult for all concerned.

    So...I was picking up some rice on the floor young difficult child had spilled from container on way to trash can and asked if he could clean up the rest. Young difficult child then goes onto to tell me about all the dirty diapers he's changed lately. Good Grief...they're HIS KIDS. And if they'd get granddaughter fully potty trained they wouldn't have this problem...Geez.

    Meanwhile, Young difficult child has what we believe will be his last court appearance for the "reckless child endangerment" charge. His next court date is this next wednesday. It will be the 4th time I have taken him to court...Young difficult child said the DA wants to talk to daughter in law before dismissing the case.
    He also says that Amarillo (where he got the felony charge several yrs ago for spitting at police) is violating him for the RCE charge and putting him in jail at some point. He is very concerned about going to jail. Personally I think jail for him is a good place for him to completely sober up. He still finds ways to buy alcohol and I frequently see it around the house (under cabinets in closets etc).
    Because young difficult child insists on remaining in the problem, husband, is not willing to pay for additional counceling for him at this time...says it's "good money after bad" as we did for so many many years when difficult child's were teenager. Money is tight right now and husband seems to be getting more and more frustrated with young difficult child not having a job and supporting his family...of course young difficult child says he can't because of pending charges, court dates, jail time, etc.
    Gratefully there hasn't been anymore self harm/suicidal threats or actions lately.

    Life goes on...
  17. DammitJanet

    DammitJanet Well-Known Member Staff Member

    I actually think you are right to hope that some jail time will help him. Nothing else seems to get through to him. Hopefully daughter in law will consider the tubal ligation too after this third child or that 5 year IUD that they have out now. No way do they need anymore kids. After 5 years hopefully she will see this.

    I think that maybe Cory might want to try for one more. A little boy but hopefully that will be a few more years down the road. We would really like a little boy from Cory. I have to get my Scott!
  18. DDD

    DDD Well-Known Member

    Having the "tubes tied" is an outstanding idea. That's what GFGmom arranged after the birth of difficult child#2 but the procedure was scheduled x weeks after his birth. Whew! I babysat difficult child#2 while she went to the hospital for the procedure...and a day of rest afterwards.

    A couple of years later she was pg again. Was I shocked? You betta believe it. Turns out that while I babysat she took two days off work and enjoyed herself. Never went to the hospital. Never had the procedure. Those years I felt thankful that no more would be born...was all based on a difficult child lie. DDD
  19. buddy

    buddy New Member

    oh my goodness. That is just a shock to me...of course i know tons of you guys are not surprised, but I would never have thought of that in a million years. I heard that Q's bio mom decided to have her tubes tied right after he was born because she was so sad about losing all of her kids and not causing so much suffering. Took her a while (6 kids all together) but they say she did feel terrible. Must be a hard decision but it is so unfair to the babies to keep having them like that.

    I wonder what the laws are now for how much influence you can have on a person who is not able to make medical decisions for themselves (i mean of course those who are under guardianship etc. ) I know that we cant force sterilization, for good reasons, but I wonder how much you can influence them???? (scary thought it is....my difficult child ever making a baby)
  20. lovemysons

    lovemysons Well-Known Member

    Sigh...It is sad that Jail may be the turning point for my young difficult child. As you said, Nothing else seems to work.
    Must say it is quite a compliment for a mom of a difficult child to actually WANT lol the difficult child to have more children (down the road). Does Cory know you're expecting a little Scott from him at some point? smile.

    Dear G-d...I had no idea you had been taken advantage of like that by difficult child Mom. How awful especially since you were already in the process of raising her first child. Good Grief!

    Buddy, Boy I sure don't know what the laws state as far as interveining when you feel a difficult child should not be allowed to have a child.

    I did talk to daughter in law yesterday about future protection. She says absolutely no way to tubiligation. Says after her mother had that procedure done that her mother gained a ton of weight and she did not want that to happen to her (vanity). daughter in law said she would like Young difficult child to get a vasectomy. I suppose if husband and I paid for it this might happen. My husband had this done after easy child was born.
    She did say she might do "the shot" but don't know if she'd keep up with that.

    Tomorrow I leave for a day with my mom to head to Oklahoma and see my Aunt.
    daughter in law is dropping the kids off with Young difficult child tomorrow for a 3 day trip with her mother, grandmother and other relatives. Please hold out positive thoughts that the grandchildren will be cared for well while all are away. husband will be gone for a bowling tournament tomorrow but should return tomorrow evening so it will just be young difficult child and the grands throughout the day.

    Thanks again,