Whats your thought on this one!??

Discussion in 'General Parenting' started by lovelyboy, Dec 31, 2011.

  1. lovelyboy

    lovelyboy Member

    I thought I will try a new aproach with the new year!!!!
    I bought a book yesterday: Dont fix me I'm not broken, by Sally Patton.

    Ok...she says: " Parenting is a spiritual classroom. When we embrace this idea we can look at ways to see beyond the diagnostic label to the wholeness of spirit in every child so we do not give power to the label."

    ".......any encounter with your child is a holy encounter, especially those moments that push us into the depths of despair. It is how we choose to ultimately handle those moments that either mires us in the "why me" syndrome or sets us free."

    " The highest motive in life is to be like water. It fights nothing or no one. It flows to and from its source and in the flowing smoothes and wears away all resistance."

    My husband was a bit sinical about all this! Oh man! I am trying to become a bit more positive!
  2. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    I personally don't think it's very practical. If a child is differently wired it won't help him in life to deny it and not help him. JMO :)

    Happy New Year!!!!
  3. InsaneCdn

    InsaneCdn Well-Known Member

    I haven't run into very many "help" books that I couldn't use something from...

    Haven't read this one. But... just from the passages quoted...
    If it can help you learn to let the small stuff go, and to focus your "wearing away" effects to the "big rocks" in difficult child's life... there might be some use to it.

    But... take small steps, try them on for size before implementing, and... as always, monitor the results. If it doesn't add anything positive, or if it makes things worse... drop it.
  4. Malika

    Malika Well-Known Member

    Oh dear, I couldn't help laughing when I read the excerpts from your book. A holy encounter? Hmmm, I'll try to remember that when my son is screaming and shouting because he doesn't want to want to put his jacket on in sub-zero temperatures. I'll bet Sally Patton doesn't have a difficult child herself... Sorry, I'm sounding as cynical as your husband. There is something in what she's saying, of course - that if you truly accept something, however difficult, it does turn the whole experience round but... really it's more realistic to talk about the inevitable grief, despair and loneliness that at least initially goes along with having a child who is different and difficult. To speak of the "higher potential" of the experience without addressing the murky depths seems to me... rather unreal.
  5. lovelyboy

    lovelyboy Member

    Malika.....this is exactly why I started this post!!!!!
    I am in the "why me, selfpitty " phase now! Thought I will stretch myself a bit in the new year!!! LOL
    This writer has a severely dyslexic son.....Must be honest, I have only read here and there yet! She does say it takes years to see the blessings in all this!!!! I do like the part about the water, but it does sound a bit like sacrificing your own needs? Guys....I am trying to see the positive in all this(having bruised arms for trying to protect myself against anger outbursts)!!!!!
  6. Malika

    Malika Well-Known Member

    Ah, okay... With all respect to people with dyslexic children, that is not the same as dealing with a child who has severe behavioural difficulties.
    Please do find the positive in all this, lovelyboy!! I think acknowledging and allowing your own feelings is part of that positive. Getting support for yourself, coming here. Also, most importantly I think, hang on to the positive that exists within your boy, beyond and despite his challenges.
    Happy new year.
  7. HaoZi

    HaoZi Guest

    I would take it to mean work with what you have, rather than trying to force a square peg into a round hole, instead of a denial of something wrong. Approaching parenting as a zen-ish thing, where you have an awareness that everything you do/say has an effect on everyone there, and that if one thing doesn't work, try another. Am I guessing anywhere close to right or am I way out in left field here?
  8. ksm

    ksm Well-Known Member

    I think I am like water... in a drought... Sorry, I am a bit cynical too. I have a friend who has had many challenges with a sibling group they adopted. She is more like the examples you gave. She sees her job as mothering as a way to show God's love, even though they don't respond to it now. She did say the oldest has now settled down and they have a good relationship. The younger two (late teens) still struggling with drugs/alcohol/stealing/cutting.

  9. Allan-Matlem

    Allan-Matlem Active Member

    I believe that giving parenting a spiritual or philosophical dimensuin is empowering and helps us look beyond getting to get your kid to do what you want and try to address his needs and your long term goals for your child.

    The message is similar to that of Byron Katie - the work . ' Don't fight reality ' - accept the reality , this allows one to be free from emotional stress - you are no longer saying ' he should not .... etc ' As Ross Greene - the explosive child - puts it - children do well if they can , that's the reality . once you accept that , you are in a good position to start ' working with your child ' to help him create a new reality.

    Not easy , a process , but it can be very empowering

    Parenting is Learning
  10. DaisyFace

    DaisyFace Love me...Love me not


    I think that passages like these put waaaaaayyyy too much pressure and guilt on the parent. As though every mistake has the chance to destroy the child's very soul...

    Read the book - take away what you can and leave the rest. The author is human, just like the rest of us...and their opinion on parenting is just that: their opinion.
  11. exhausted

    exhausted Active Member

    Why not? The more we learn and think the better we are as people. I think the idea of looking beyond the diagnosis is good. As for having "Holy encounters"-mine sometimes look like Jesus in the temple! (You know where he destroyed all the vendors displays...yah..me inside sometimes) Ha! If we could approach with more peace why not? If you find the book rings true then use it. I agree with Insanecdn-there is most likely some good there :) Let us know what you learn and if it is worth buying.
  12. buddy

    buddy New Member

    I dont really see this as an approach to parenting in terms of technique, building skills, teaching, etc. It does not seem like it is a new way to parent in an either/or way (use this method instead of X method), as many others have agreed. It seems like it can be a nice way to choose to think of every interaction with a child...as long as when bad feelings come up you dont feel like you have failed. Maybe they are just saying to honor the process in a way that is as productive as possible, since making things be negative and "awfulizing" things really is of no help especially if it leads to giving up and feeling hopeless.

    I do think it is really important to look at a child holistically though. Dr Stanley Greenspan (floor time guy) is one that says that a diagnosis is not as important as taking a look at where our child is. Then move step by step from there. (of course there ARE reasons to know a diagnosis if there is a cause that can help with medications and choosing especially effective therapies, in my opinion but his point......) He tries to get beyond the label and not limit a child's potential based on that label.

    I never ever think, from evaluations to therapies, that any ONE method or philosophy is the be all/end all.