I hate hearing stories like this but they are so common. And a lot of it is about control - she is trying to control her environment so she has time for herself - but it's ALL her way, and not enough for the child, by the sound of it.
I've seen the outcome - easy child 2/difficult child 2's exBF has a mother like this. His parents separated when he was five. When we met her I was surprised at how young she seemed - not only in looks and dress, but mannerisms. She was a café queen, knows her way around the various entertainment venues of Sydney (and other cities) and is at home there. I call it the "Sex in the City" lifestyle. We had arranged to meet up with her at a job the kids were involved in, exBF's mother met us at a nearby café to give him his allowance. He was 18, still at school and he had to ask his mother, "when are you going to be home?"
Her answer was, "I'm not sure. Maybe later tonight, maybe early next week."
easy child 2/difficult child 2 would tell me of times she was staying at their apartment in the city and the mother breezed in through the door after work, disappeared into the bathroom and remerged dressed for a bar. "I'll be back in a few hours," she said. They didn't see her for five days. Meanwhile, who prepares the meals? Who pays for groceries? Who handles the phone calls from the landlord about the overdue rent?
This mother used her son's allowance to control him. With no money to buy groceries, he couldn't travel to visit friends or buy food, he had to stay home and live out of the cupboards. He could always walk to school. But when he got home he never knew whether to cook for one, or two. He never knew whether to call the police and register his mother as a missing person, or to simply not do anything and hope she was OK.
ExBF & easy child 2/difficult child 2 went interstate to visit his father. They got on really well with him. They had gone to attend a family wedding, easy child 2/difficult child 2 said that compared to his usual life, the interstate mob seemed refreshingly normal. I asked why he had stayed with his mother and not gone with his father - his dad is a musician, he travels a lot. It was thought he would get more stability with his mother. My opinion - she wanted him so she would continue to have a hold on the father. And something he didn't have - their son. it was a control thing, a matter of possessions and territory, nothing more.
She got evicted eventually, because she lost her job and couldn't afford the rent. She moved in with a friend and they were allegedly planning to set up house together, renting a flat closer to the city. Meanwhile, her son had to sleep on the living room floor of the friend's house - friend didn't like the son there. So he moved in with us. Luckily he had by this time finished school, but her promises of paying for him to attend college and setting him up in his own flat - no chance.
Just as the mother would make rash promises and pipe dream claims, so did the son. How could he have any grip on reality, after an upbringing like that?
I saw him about a year ago, his mother had moved interstate looking for work, she had insisted he move too. By then he had broken up with easy child 2/difficult child 2 (very messily) so he had no ties to hold him. He was telling me all about his wonderful job in graphic design and how he was going to work in Japan in the near future. And yet judging by his clothes and his demeanour, this was all bragging, to make himself look good in my eyes - a sort of, "Look what your daughter missed out on, she should have stayed with me."
His mother taught him that fantasy talk will get you out of trouble, it's how you cope. And if you can let yourself believe the fantasy, you will be happier. At least until the truth catches up, when you simply spin another fantasy.
And this young man was easy child. Or should have been. He is bright, gifted, has amazing potential - but no idea of follow-through. Somewhere inside his head, he is still the scared five-year-old boy waiting for his mummy to come home.
Marg