When did you notice a change in your adult child?

tryingtobestrong

Active Member
Just curious as to when you noticed a change in your adult child's attitude towards you once sober?
Did they become more respectful? More caring towards you? More aware of all you have done for them?
DO they realize how they have ruined their lives in the addiction.
 
O

OTE

Guest
Mine's prison terms would make my answer to this different. But I would suggest that a 12 step program has a step for facing the past and making amends. At least that's my understanding. So I would guess for most in rehab it would correspond to the steps.

Without rehab... I think its about maturity too. When they stop being self-absorbed teens and caring adults... When did that happen for the rest of us?
 

Triedntrue

Well-Known Member
My son is not completely out of woods yet and may never be but since he got out of jail and i put firmer boundaries in place i can see him trying to at least be more respectful. Just like with everything else i imagine it is dependent on so many factors that there may not be a clear answer to that question.
 

RN0441

100% better than I was but not at 100% yet
My son is in a 13 month faith based program and we have seen a big change in him.

We forced him into the program. He will be the first to admit that. He chose to stay on his own. He has learned many things and grown as a human being. These are all things that we were unable to teach him. We tried.

He is more respectful. He is more kind and caring. He realizes what a wonderful life he has and has thanked us for not giving up on him.

Of course I believe that my son's success is directly related to the program he was in which helped him establish his faith and see the mistakes he has made and how distorted his thinking was.

I am excited to get to know him as an adult. He has been using since he was 15 and he is now 23.

I am so very excited for this next chapter in his life and our lives.
 

Elsi

Well-Known Member
For N (now 30), prison and mandated rehab was the turnaround. He served 6 months in prison and then had an additional 3 months in a facility with addiction services and counseling, job training and work release (still part of the prison system). When he first went to prison - not his first time arrested and jailed but the first time he was actually convicted and sentenced to more than time served - he was bitter, angry, entitled. You better take my calls. You have to come down here and bring me socks and underwear because prison doesn't provide them. Call my lawyer for me. Do X, Y, and Z for me. Angry abusive language if I didn't comply. And a lot of "This is BS/I don't deserve this" attitude. I had to go no contact for a while, letters only, and then gradually started visiting. He got much more humble over time. By the time he was in the rehab center, he was very humble and respectful. He was very appreciative of visits and anything else I did for him, without seeming to feel entitled. They had an outdoor courtyard with picnic tables where families could spend time together on nice days. I brought him homemade meals a couple of times and shared picnics with him. He talked to me openly, and cried with me. He apologized and took responsibility for where he was in life. We talked together about his hopes and dreams for after he got out and what he could do to make that happen.

He's had some slip-ups since then, but the change in attitude has been permanent. He doesn't blame anybody but himself for his mistakes, and doesn't expect anyone else to bail him out (literally or figuratively). He has a family now and is committed to being a good dad to his son and stepson. He is finishing an apprenticeship program and holding down a job that requires him to be up and out of the house by 5:30. (This was the kid I fought with all through high school because he would never get up on time.) Even though he's almost 2,000 miles away now, our relationship is closer and better than ever.

With C (almost 33) and S (28), it's been a different story. Neither is sober yet, and neither is taking responsibility for themselves. I've had to put firm boundaries in place. They've both raged against those boundaries - and sometimes still do, when they are desperate - but as they have gotten older they seem to understand more and give me more respect, even when I'm telling them no. I guess we've reached a place where I don't try to change them, and they realize I'm not responsible for fixing their messes. They still have their rages, but it is rarely directed at me anymore. So even though they are still using, my relationships with them have improved. I can only hope that this means they are taking baby steps towards taking responsibility for their lives and maybe, eventually, recovery. But if not, at least we have found some moments of grace in the storm.
 

RN0441

100% better than I was but not at 100% yet
I'm hoping our son doesn't waste his 20's like he did his teens.

So far so good.
 

ColleenB

Active Member
Our son went to detox in May of 2017 and has been sober since an intervention from his friends in fall of 2017. We have seen gradual changes in him across all parts of his life, but mostly I see the Son I knew before but a little changed. He laughs again, he is kind again and is respectful. Does he still make stupid choices at times.... yup. Picture a 2am phone call from Mexico where he lost his tourist card and we had to pay for a new flight home. He had spent the last few dollars of his student loan and had no money left! He has since paid us back.... first time we ever saw any money he owes us is this summer. He also has his first paying legal jobs in three years. He also has a mature relationship with a girl who has value and goals. That’s something I had lost hope for as his previous relationships were all unhealthy. He also is back in school and doing well.

So we did see changes for sure. It takes time and patience for sure.
 
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