When our adult kids lose things

[ctmom05]

Have you been there?

When our 21 year old lived at home she was very, very sloppy and disorganized. That habit continues in her own place, too.

She lost her Social Security card. She has misplaced the items necessary to replace it. It becomes a cyclical thing, you need this to secure a replacement for that and so on.

She phoned me this afternoon, thinking that I can request a replaced SS card for her because I am her parent. Social Security will not allow that, nor would I consider doing it.

Her tone got nasty and she said some choice words. That was the end of our conversation.

Why do our kids sometimes think that treating us like garbage will generate anything positive?

 

[WiscKaren]

I wish I had an answer to your question, but I don't.

My son always loses important things...birth certificate, SS card, keys. And it was always my fault....duh!!!!

I'm a very organized person; if I had it, I would know where it is at.

 

[meowbunny]

My daughter is another one who loses things. There are some very strict rules on replacing social security cards -- no more than 2 a year, 10 max over a person's lifetime. She's on number 6! I now keep her documents. She has a photocopy of her social security card.

As to the whys of they're being nasty, my theory is it is guilt. They know they are at fault and think that if they take the offensive, they won't have to take responsibility. When mine gets nasty, I just walk away or hang up. I make the simple statement that I don't have to take that type of treatment any longer -- she's no longer a minor. It doesn't always work, but I feel a little better not having to put up with the ugliness.

 

[Suz]

if they take the offensive, they won't have to take responsibility.

That was always my theory for Rob, too. "The best defense is a strong offense."

Baloney.

But he always operated under that premise.

On another subject, how are you doing/feeling, Chris? I was thinking of you tonight- so glad you posted.

Suz

 

[DammitJanet]

Cory loses everything too. He has replaced more state IDs than I have had drivers licenses in my entire life! I dont even bat an eye anymore.

 

[Hound dog]

Oddly enough it was my easy child who was always losing important things.

My highly organized overacheiver while at home couldn't seem to manage to keep track of anything the moment she moved out. I was shocked.

She had to have her ss card replace twice. She left her purse "somewhere" about 3 times and had to contact credit cards, the bank, and get a new drivers license the works. I thought sister in law was gonna kill her when she lost her wedding ring and engagement ring.

And she wondered why I wouldn't hand over my copy of her birth certificate. lol (actually I have about 5 copies of each kid's brith certificates)

Travis lost his ss card a couple of times and has since returned it to Mom for safe keeping as has Nichole. Nichole bought herself one of those small safes to keep all of Aubrey's important papers in.

easy child finally quit losing everything. But that first year away from home was a loo loo. I still have trouble believe it was easy child who did this. lol

Hugs

 

[BusynMember]

Although I have no suggestions on difficult child's nasty attitude, other than to hang up if she is abusive, I do have a suggestion how you can help her (if you want). Or you can suggest this to her. I have a terrible memory and have always lost things too and am very disorganized.
Instead of carrying around her important cards, she should copy them and carry the copies around. The original cards should be locked in a safe. If you want to help, you can keep it at your house. If not, she can buy one. It takes a long time (and EFFORT) to learn to hang onto things if you are intristically disorganized. But you either learn or you cause yourself a lot of hardships.

 

[trinityroyal]

If difficult child had access to any of his documents, they would have been lost a long time ago, or he would have cut them up as part of a craft project, or something.

So...I have all of the originals locked in the file cabinet. I have scanned copies of each document stored on my computer, with backup copies on husband's computer and our server.

difficult child's staff have a folder with printed copies of his documents, which are in a locked cupboard in the Residential Treatment Center (RTC). If difficult child needs them for some reason, the staff carry them. difficult child just never gets his hands on them.

We tried last summer. We gave difficult child a little wallet in which to keep copies of all his ID. He promptly ran it through the wash, ruining all of the documents. We made another copy and laminated it, so that it would be waterproof. He cut out the pictures of his face to use in a craft project. At that point, we gave up. An 18-year-old who cuts up his ID so that he can glue his face on a collage poster should not have access to his own documents.

Sigh.

 

[CrazyinVA]

Oldest has lost 3 or 4 drivers licenses, and 2 or 3 birth certificates. I'm not sure about her SS card, but she's in the middle of applying for a new one anyway, with her married name. I no longer buy her jewelry, because she loses that, too. There are some family pieces I will never give her, even though as the oldest girls she "shoudl" have them.

Youngest used to be better at keeping things, but lately has gotten careless as well. She lost her birth certificate, I helped her order another, and then she found it.. so she has two now (both in my firesafe at home, since she still lives with me). She loses the slips telling her when her and the baby's doctor appts are, and has missed several. Calendars don't make a difference.

Ahhh this is a touchy subject for me.

Ahhhh.

 

[Star*]

Chris,

She CAN go on line and down load, and print the forms to do this. And then it's a stamp and a trip to the post office to do it.

The next time she's nasty/nasty tone tell her I am done giving warnings and hang up.

Hugs
Star

i'm glad parts of difficult child are attached TO his body - otherwise I'd never have the hope of grandchildren. He looses EVERYTHING.

 

[Sue C]

Chris -- Melissa "lost" her SS card but then I found it in her bedroom when I was looking for something. She has "lost" her driver's license but then I've found it laying around the house. So, she did not actually lose these things, but she's careless with them. When I found the SS card, I put it in a lock box with husband's and mine. When she was in college, she lost her student ID several times and had to pay for new ones. And she forgot her purse at the movie theater, and it was not there when she returned. She also lost her cell phone charger and can't remember where she took it. Huh???

As far as treating us like garbage and expecting anything positive out of it, it's like meowbunny said: "...my theory is it is guilt. They know they are at fault and think that if they take the offensive, they won't have to take responsibility." That statement reminded me of when Melissa got her first speeding ticket. She walked into the house all angry, slammed the ticket on the kitchen counter, told us it was our fault she got the ticket, and stormed off into her bedroom.

sue

 

[ctmom05]

My goal with this is to keep the accountability for this issue where it belongs; with my 21 year old daughter, who lives on her own.

This applies not only to the respect issue, but also to the responsibility for managing her business and personal affairs.