When you can't even get close to your own child

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by rebelmommy, Mar 4, 2020.

  1. rebelmommy

    rebelmommy New Member

    About two years ago I went through a very difficult time with my child. She had her baby taken away after only two weeks of birth, was baker acted, was living in a shelter, became a criminal getting arrested for a serious felony but got very lucky to only have to do probation and about 30 days in jail. I have tried to be there for her. I have kept her on your health insurance and given her information to get help. Up until this year, our insurance even had a 1-800 number that she could use to call at any time of the day or night to talk to a psychologist. Long story short, I thought that she was finally growing up and having a breakthrough.
    Instead, every time I try to get close to her, she thinks that means that there is an open-door policy to her bs. Today her newest boyfriend called me to tell me that she had attempted to cut herself and was basically having a psychotic reaction. After several hours of not being able to find her, and even though I told him to contact the police and have her baker acted as her behavior was beyond my control and at this point is beyond me talking her off the ledge, something that I can't do anyways, he called me back to tell me she wanted me to pick her up. To leave my job early and pick her up. I told him I would call him back because I panicked, and didn't want to tell him that under no circumstances was she allowed in my house, especially since the last time I let her stay she had crazy criminals banging on my door looking for her. I have two other children her brothers, who do not need to see their sister going off the deep end. The middle one has had so many issues because of her, especially during the last two years and he's about to graduate this year and I can not have her setting him back. And physically and mentally I can not deal with her. I can't have her around me in this state. I no longer feel sympathy for her, I feel anger. I am beyond angry at her behavior. At the fact that I have been dealing with her issues for 12 years. I am pissed off at her selfishness and the fact that she thinks it is okay to demand me to drop everything and run to her for another problem that she caused. And her manipulativeness because she KNOWS that if I say no, I look bad to the family that has taken her in, not knowing the reason that I would say no is because my daughter is so toxic to our family that the effect that she causes to my boys especially has been so detrimental that it literally changed my middle child. Because even though I know 24 is young, and people out there look at me like damn why won't you help her, it is because when I have allowed her in my home she brings drugs, she brings thieves and other degenerates, she's disrespectful, she's placed our family in danger repeatedly, she abused my middle child and even now can be very abusive towards him pretending that it's funny and that it's joking when it's not. And I can't help her. At this point, I don't want to. anyway I just needed to vent.
     
  2. MissLulu

    MissLulu Active Member

    Rebelmommy, I understand. You don't need to justify your actions here. It's easy for outsiders -- who have never never lived with your child and don't know the full story -- to judge, but you have to consider your health and safety and the healthy and safety of your other children.

    In many ways I feel the same about my son (who is also 24). I love him, but I don't like him a lot of the time. Living with him (which we are at the moment) is just about unbearable. I'm counting down the days (16 to go!) until he moves out.

    Hang in there and don't feel guilty. Stick to your boundaries and do what's right for you.
     
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  3. BusynMember

    BusynMember Well-Known Member

    Rebelmom, I am sorry about your daughter. I have one who I enabled badly way until her 30s. Sounds as if your daughter may also be near 30.

    There comes a time when I feel it is best for our struggling kids if we just back off and refuse help. Why be nervous because she wants to live with you? Tell her no. No is a complete sentence. Sounds like she is doing drugs. Your home is a sanctuary for you. You are not being mean by protecting yourself and your other kids. We had to do the same. It took us about 12 years too.

    I highly recommend finding a good therapist whom you like (interview a few before picking one) and going to Al Anon or Nar Anon. Nothing says support like people who truly understand your situation. It really helped us! We used both. Our therapist specializes in drug users and has been very helpful.

    Al Anon is great. But you are advised to try it six times before deciding it's not for you. Al Anon, and the friends we made, are still invaluable.

    Church or any place of worship can also help. Our church family is like a caring family.

    Don't try to do this alone. in my opinion it's just too hard to not be in touch with people who truly understand us.

    Prayers and blessings. Nothing changes if we don't change us.
     
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  4. RN0441

    RN0441 100% better than I was but not at 100% yet

    Rebelmom:

    Welcome and you came to the right place for advice and support. It will do wonders for you along with possibly seeing a therapist and looking to your higher power for peace - if you believe.

    My story is below. Most of us are in different stages of being through "the mill". You will gain a wealth of knowledge here by reading and posting - I did. This is a non judgement area as well.

    You realized there is a problem and you need help. That is the first step. Others will be along soon with their thoughts.

    Hang in there.

    :staystrong::notalone:
     
  5. rebelmommy

    rebelmommy New Member

    Thank you all for your encouragement. I really needed it.
     
  6. Acacia

    Acacia Active Member

    Venting is understandable, and this is the appropriate place to do it because so many of us have reached a similar point.

    My experience with my two difficult children, now in their thirties, sadly, is that anytime I have opened the door, the honeymoon lasts very little time before the manipulation and inappropriate behaviors reappear. I have little to no contact with them, and will not allow them to live under my roof no matter what.

    This is hard, especially if you live in a small community, but the people who say that obviously don't know how much you have done to help your child. It hurts, but the people who really know you, will judge you or tell you what you should do. Many of the decisions that we parents of difficult adult children have to make are agonizing. You don't need FOG (fear, obligation, and guilt) on top of that.

    You deserve to live your life being safe and respected. If your daughter won't honor that, you are right to have no contact.
     
  7. Acacia

    Acacia Active Member

    So, big oops. It should, of course, have read: the people who really know you WILL NOT judge you.

    You'd think after almost thirty years of being a high school English teacher, I'd take the time to proofread.:dissapointed2:
     
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  8. Albatross

    Albatross Well-Known Member

    Welcome, Rebel Mommy. I'm so sorry for what you are going through but glad you found us.

    Between creating their own problems and refusing to act on the help they are given, difficult children can and do wreak havoc in the lives of the rest of the family. It sounds like that is what your daughter is doing.

    I would certainly agree with you that your youngest, at 11, definitely needs to be shielded from the mayhem. And if your daughter is making your home and your boys' home an unsafe environment, then you are absolutely doing the right thing. At 24, it is time for your daughter to initiate some self-care.

    I'm so sorry you are in this position, and I totally understand your grief and anger.

    My husband and I have been dealing with my son's self-destructive choices for close to 15 years now. He is now 28. The only times we heard from him were when he wanted us to rescue him because he ran out of partying options or he wanted to blame us for the messes he created. Although we tried to shield his sister from much of it, it still took a real toll on all of us. Over the years, my son alienated every member of his family, until eventually even we decided to cut contact.

    I hope with all my heart my son decides to make some better choices, but for now we can't be around him. It causes too much havoc and pain. I know there are some who think less of me for making that decision, but they don't really understand what it's like to walk in our shoes.
     
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  9. Copabanana

    Copabanana Well-Known Member

    Dear Rebel Mommy

    My son is in a sober living home through the Rescue Mission in my town. While he is able to pay through his SSI, it is free for indigent people. Included is room and board and program. These kinds of programs are all over the country. Your daughter does not need you to house her or feed her. She can go to a program like this any time she chooses. If she is mentally ill, she can apply for SSI and receive a monthly payment. The reality is that our children prefer to rely on us because they believe they can impose their rules and use us to support their addictions and bad behavior. We're easy.

    I think you are very wise to know and to enforce sensible, responsible boundaries. Not only is this necessary for you and for your younger children, this benefits your daughter too. My son only entered the sober living home (twice, 2 years apart) when I said "no." If I look at myself in the mirror, clearly and squarely, by housing and feeding him, I enabled him.

    It took me a very long time to have the clarity and the strength to do the right thing. I support you completely. Welcome.