where do we start?

[justtired]

Star, I just read your post and even though it had me cracking up laughing, I heard the seriousness behind it. Thanks for making me laugh. I needed that.

I would just feel better insisting on him getting his GED so in the event that we do make him leave, at least he's got a chance at getting a job somewhere, plus I think it will make him feel better about himself. He always says he feels like such a failure, but I wonder now if maybe he's just playing me when he says that. Because afterwards I give him the proverbial pat on the head, all is forgiven, love you etc, etc, and then he's off on his next adventure and all is forgotten. I was feeling guilty.. I've got to get over that.. but you're all correct. He is an adult and is responsible for his own choices.

But, I need to feel like I tried at least with the GED.. and he's got to come clean about anything else he's stolen because husband said if he finds about anything else, son is out of here.

 

[susiestar]

I think you very much need to read How to Parent Your Teen with Love and Logic. It will give you strategies to handle many of his behaviors. Ones that WORK. While he is 24, he is basically a teenager - lives the life of one pretty much except he doesn't do chores or go to school. This book is awesome, and both you and husband will like it. It will give you strength and support and strategies. I have used them. On a difficult child and pcs and my husband. they WORK. the men who wrote the first love and logic book were high school principals and/or counselors. They worked with kids and figured out something that honestly works. The teachers I have given the various books to have seen results the first time they implemented them and they are still seeing results.

The drama of the knife? No one in my family tries suicide attempts around me. Ever. My husband went through a period of depression. Mostly self pity. kept saying we owuld be better off with-o him and he should kill himself. I don't have a lot of patience with that type of thing. never did. I sat him down, told him he had some choices. Get counseling and medication and work through the problems. I would go with him to therapy, would support him going and any changes he needed to make. Or he could just shut up about it and never EVER let me or my kids hear that **** again. If those were not options he liked, he could tell me then and there if he seriously wanted to kill himself. I would go and get a gun and ammunition, load the gun, show him how to do it so that I didn't end up with a vegetable to take care of, and rent a hotel room for him.

His choice. I didn't like the last one, but it is HIS life and HIS choice.

I scared the **** out of him. It TOTALLY was NOT the sympathy he thought he would get. He did NOT want therapy and medications and he did NOT want a gun and bullets. So I have not EVER heard that from him. If he had just kept up iwth it, and not gotten help or acted on it? The kids and I would have been G.O.N.E. Totally and completely. At that time someone who was threatening suicide around their kids did NOT get anything but supervised visitation, not in the area we lived in. he would have hated that.

So call his bluff. If he tries? 911. Heck, offer to show him how to do it the right way, so he won't be left paralyzed or a vegetable. This will shock the daylights out of him in ways I cannot even describe. It is good to shakeup your kids.

by the way, the cat? Either needs litter he likes, treatment for a urinary infection, is very old and senile and can't find the litterbox, or needs to be locked in your son's room day and night so he can pee on son's bed and son can be the only one bothered by it. Or list him on craigslist or freecycle or take him to the shelter. Your son needs to be replacing hte furnishings his cat has ruined - at this point ANY cat or dog in your home will pee on those things to mark their territory.

If nothing else, when son finally gets his own place, give him the peed upon furnishings and get nice new ones for yourself!

Star has an awesome viewpoint and gets it across beautifully, doesn't she??

 

[Star*]

just tired -

Glad you got a chuckle. My kid has been making me laugh for years. THen I took a look at my behavior as a result of my actions because of my child and OMG - I'm still laughing at what I had allowed myself to become. Really - it's ridiculous the things I sit back now and see that I did, and literally try to help steer others away from. It's like watching a bad movie or a Tom and Jerry cartoon. Once you realize what they manipulate out of you? All you see is Jerry the mouse -----and poor old Tom (whack.....and then..........WHACK.......and then....WHACK.....and after a while?) You start thinking? Man that cat----what a noodle for a brain. It surpasses manipulation by the child because at what point do you look at the parent or yourself and realize - I KNOW what I'm being taunted into or goaded into or maniuplated into - and just realize of yourself - I really am being controlled by my manipulative child and I am not helping them but enabling them to a life of misery? THAT is when you seriously have to have a talk with yourself, and at THAT point? When you REALIZE that? When you have friends or support that is SCREAMING at you - YOU ARE NOT HELPING THEM-------and CONTINUE to do what you've always done and get the same result or worse? That you cross the border into insanity and DO become ...(dot,dot,dot) a BAD parent. Because NOW? Now you know -NOW you have knowledge....NOW you are conscious of the things that CAN and DO harm yourself, and them and YOU ARE aware that - HEY ----this had gone on TOO long- -it's damaging, it's crossed a line - it's unhealthy---it's beyond little Timmy has ADHD or dyslexia and I didn't know what to do - LIttle TImmy has progressed right up to stealing, and check washing, and theft and threatening suicide to GET HIS WAY - not -----I need a guidance counselor to help with the fact that my girlfriend broke up with me because I have too many zits, and I"m unpopular because I like frogs and not cars in High School. ----

The fact that you want him (YOU ) being the operative word her (think about it) is the key (AGAIN) in the GED scenario. HE IS 24. There are night classes, day classes, on line classes and honey - IF HE wanted his diploma? HE WOULD PURSUE it. It's another (sorry to say) excuse to keep him at home, safe for you, safe with YOUR EYES on him....so you know he's NOT in any trouble.....safe so you know he is OKAY.......You need to find out WHY this is a problem for YOU. It's obvioulsy holding HIM back. I buried two sons......BEFORE I told the youngest to GET OUT - without a GED, without anything. MONEY.....JOB....CAR, LICENSE......Because he stole, lied, had a felony......I couldn't sleep at night......I mean ------I had all my hopes left......ON ONE KID and still. ? He had to go. HE STOLE, HE WAS MAKING LIFE MISERABLE - I can't sleep with my door locked forever. THE SUICIDES attempts were crazy? OMG....are you serious? HOW MUCH COULD I TAKE ? I had a stroke - and honest to gosh STROKE? At 43........years.old.

Before you worry and push him for a GED? GO to a therapist. IT HELPED ME so much. I went twice a week for like 15 years....I had lots of other issues - but this was one of the biggest......my son.....my sweet baby. The other side of my sweet son that I desperately tried to hang onto. And here we are. Him not here, him no education-----and me - telling you about it.....and praying for him. But telling him all the time - if he wants it at 21 - HE........HE can get it. It's AGAIN.......HIS CHOICE. HIS REGRET......not ours.

Hugs -

 

[justtired]

mornin'.

With each post I write I've been meaning to say thank you for the warm welcomes here.. so before I forget again...
Thank you all for the warm welcomes, and for all the advice!

re: my son's basement cat.
I'm an animal person too but this cat is an evil thing.
It attacks my legs as I go down stairs and bites for no reason.
He was/is a feral cat.. he's healthy but he's not neutered because son refused to pay for it,
so every time the cat get's mad it pees on his clothes and since he does own laundry that's his problem.

When I was putting my foot down about the cat not staying.. haha..not a very strong foot obviously,
son would flip out and manipulate me into letting the cat stay for 'just awhile longer'..
I see now how I've been manipulated all along, and if you'll bear with me while I bi*ch about husband for a second......husband never put his foot down either... about anything. He would tell me to tell him, he did that with all the kids, and for the longest time I was doing that but then one day easygoing me totally flipped out on husband and refused to be the go-between between him and any of the kids anymore.
My son was in the bathroom not 10ft away from us, and husband told me to tell him to put the garbage out.. well, I lost it.. I told him he's got a voice, use it.
(husband always tried his best to avoid confrontation but I won't let him get away with that anymore.)



Which is why I say I'm surprised and happy that husband is taking over the reins now in dealing with the problem son.
So, as you can see my marriage is getting a long needed overhaul, and my life is getting an overhaul.
Mom's tired and just wants peace in her life, and is not going to settle for less.

well, I got totally off track there.
Writing these posts has really been cathartic for ME, not sure if they do anything for you.. LOL.

Thanks for putting up with me.

I look at what I write and think ... I must be crazy to have put up with all this bs for this long. I read what you all write, and I sit here nodding my head.. yes, you're right. I agree.. but couldn't see the proverbial forest through the trees enough to get myself out of this mess with son. But, I do now. I was parenting through a haze of guilt and it wasn't good for me, or for my son. He's 24.. He's got to grow up. Everybody in this family has to grow up and stop coming to me to fix things.. even husband.
My other son called me last night and asked to borrow $40 bucks.. He still owes me I don't know how much money that he's yet to repay.. I told him the Bank Of Mom has gone out of business.. I even surprised myself with that remark. I'm getting there.




So anyway, husband and son had The Real Talk last night. Son swore he'd never steal again ever of course, but wouldn't cop to any more thefts.. so husband told him he'd give him a couple of days to think and remember if he did steal anything else and wanted to confess which I thought was good thinkin' on his part. He said he'd get his GED, but not at the place where I suggested because he's afraid that all his old teachers will be there.We're not sure what that has to do with anything.. embarrassment maybe, feeling like a failure?

whatever...

Son cried and was teary eyed throughout the talk.. He's never done that before, and surprisingly he didn't get up and leave in the middle of it like he's done with me before. There were no histrionics, no threats, no flipping out, So, I think husband is getting through to him at this moment, maybe it's just the whole man to man thing..I don't know..but we're still not sure if son was just bs'ing us or if he'll really make a change. husband told him this is his last chance. If he screws up again or if husband finds out about something else that he's stolen that he didn't admit to, he's gone. No notice.. He'll just find his bags at the front door and the locks changed.

I was feeling much more hopeful yesterday, but not so much today. I keep looking for remorse from my son, but I don't see it. I think he thinks this will get swept under the rug, and forgotten like everything else... but not this time.. Mom has back up! husband and I are keeping each other strong. I'm actually kind of regretting that we made the decision to let him stay, and i think husband is too.

But we did.. so we'll see what happens from here.

Deep down inside I must know that son is going to screw up. It was weird. I hit the submit button on this post and then the thought immediately came into my head that I have to go to the store.. to buy new locks for the doors.

 

[InsaneCdn]

I hit the submit button on this post and then the thought immediately came into my head that I have to go to the store.. to buy new locks for the doors.

And of course, life usually works THIS way:
- if you don't go get those locks today you will need them tonight or tomorrow
- if you do go get them today, it may take weeks or months before you need them... or never
- OR... you get them and you need them.

But you never know ahead of time which one its going to be!
I've lost track of the stuff we've taken back because... we didn't need it after all.
BUT... if you need it its usually too late to go get it.