Who is this kid?

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by Juli, Jul 1, 2012.

  1. Juli

    Juli New Member

    My son turns 25 today. We have always had a difficult time with him. He had a substance abuse problem at 12 and was diagnosed with a bipolar condition. He was admitted to a residentials treatment center for most of his high school years where he was successfully treated for the substance abuse problems and put on a regiment of antidepressants which actually worked. He graduated from high school, started his own very successful computer business, and became a "model" son. Two years ago our eldest daughter passed away unexpectedly from a brain hemorrhage. Our whole family is still trying to recover (we have another son too) but we are functional. A few months after our daughter's death, our son met and fell in love with this woman who is not good for him. After 5 years of sobriety, he is drinking and smoking and I'm not sure what else. She uses him for money. As soon as he runs out of money she breaks up with him and gets him back when he has something she wants. He is now broke and in legal trouble. He does not live at home but calls us to rescue him when he is in trouble. He came home for a few weeks and lied to us and stole money from our checking account and pawned my wedding rings. We bought him a plane ticket to Florida where we thought he was going to start over. We are just trying to help him stay out of jail -he has 2 more months of probation - but we are getting the idea that he has played us again and has gone back to the girlfriend. I am worried sick - I have already lost one child and feel like he is lost. My husband and I don't know what to do. We just want peace in our life and he keeps drawing us back into the drama of his messed up life.
  2. dashcat

    dashcat Member

    First, I am so very sorry about the loss of your daughter. I can only imagine what it is like to try and come to grips with such a sudden and tragic loss.

    It sounds like your son was not able to cope with what happened. He's self-medicating and that has to be just heart wrenching for you.

    The only advice I can give you is to recite and to live The Serenity Prayer. God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.

    You cannot change your son's behavior or his choices. All you can change is your response to them. As hard as it is, he has to make mistakes (and we hope), learn from them and go on with his life. If you could change it, you would...but it is beyond your control.

    Many hugs to you.
  3. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    I am also so very sorry about your daughter. Reading about it brought tears to my eyes.

    I am sorry your son is not doing well right now. I think you need real life support and going to N/A or Al-Anon could help support you through this. I wish I could tell you something magical you could do for your son, but you really can't do much other than not pay any of his bills (I would not). You deserve peace and serenity. Is it possible for you and your husband to start getting closer, doing nice things together and for one another? Maybe your other son could also join you in some activities.

    You can not control what happened to your daughter (sadly) or what your one son is doing, but you can still decide to live and full and peaceful life...one free of drama. I know it will be harder than it sounds, but it can be done. Are you in therapy?
  4. Juli

    Juli New Member

    My husband and I are very close. Our second son is in college and we have a very good relationship with him. We are currently not in counseling but I am looking for some kind of support group to learn how to cope with our "problem" child. I didn't know if Al Anon would help or not. We have tried grief support groups but have found that we absorb the pain of others instead of taking any comfort. I have been doing some research on detaching from adult children and it seems to be the way to go. Since yesterday, I have learned from his friends that my son is in Los Angeles instead of Florida. Last week I sent several boxes of his things to Florida as he requested. I guess I will let him worry about how to retrieve that stuff.
  5. carolinwaxhaw

    carolinwaxhaw New Member

    Dear Juli: I agree with Dashcat. Your son has to "own" his choices and consequences of them. You and your husband have to love him through all of this, tho. It can sometimes help to remember that you are not alone and also that there are so many people out there who are going through something worse. It may help or it may not - it is never meant that your own circumstances and problems are insignificant in any way - - I know it is a slight comfort to me to know that there are other parents who have had worse/longer term issues with their child as my own daughter has been having multiple suicide attempts, issues, etc. and yet it comforted me to learn of another mom who has a daughter who has been dealing with the hospitalizations, admissions, PRTFs, etc for THREE years - - whereas this is very new for my daughter... I think a support group will ultimately help you and your husband and possibly your other son once you can let yourself get beyond the grief of others. That is the part of the PURPOSE of Nar-Anon and Al-Anon - - to help the families. I hope you can also get some support from whatever religious group you are a part of. Perhaps if you let your son know that you and your family are suffering with him and praying for him. Perhaps you can find a way to "confront" him in a gentle way with the fact that he can make either positive or negative choices, that he is a good young man with a whole future ahead of him....perhaps he can be uplifted somehow to seek help and let him know help is there. It is a hard time and I wish you the very best. God Bless

    Mom to Jeff - 2/15/75-8/12/04
    daughter - A 13.5 in a PRTF now//adopted, placed at 9 days of age
    daughter - J 9.5 at home//adopted, placed at 5.5 months of age
  6. LSH44

    LSH44 New Member

    I am so sorry to hear of the loss of your daughter, Juli. I can't imagine absorbing that kind of loss.