Why is it harder for men?

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by DammitJanet, Sep 2, 2008.

  1. DammitJanet

    DammitJanet Well-Known Member Staff Member

    I have been laboring under the assumption that Corys father and I were firmly planted on the same page about the latest of Corys escapes. I learned today that his father seems to be having problems coming to terms with the ramifications of all that this will entail.

    In my mind, I would have thought that Tony would be extremely livid that Cory had dared to steal the beloved gun that Jamie gave him. Even more livid than I was to have learned that Cory had stolen money from me. I mean money is only money and has no sentimental value to it. The gun was a present from Jamie and here Jamie is being deployed overseas. When that gun was stolen by someone outside the family, Tony almost had a nervous breakdown. I would think this would be an even bigger blow. Evidently I am wrong. He seems torn. In a way I can understand a bit of his ambivalence.

    I have shielded him somewhat over the years from all the ick having to do with Cory. I was always the one who did the work having Cory placed into placements, psychiatric hospitals, etc. When charges were ever levied, I always did it because they were always taken out by me. Tony never had to go to court and sit with me to watch all this stuff. He did attend some of the therapy of course but he didnt go to all of it.

    Now he is iffy about what to do about the gun. He goes back and forth about should he just make Cory buy him a new one or take out charges or talk to his PO. He said someone told him we could be in trouble for having the guns here while Cory lived here on probation which is BS. They knew we had them and wouldnt have released him here if it was a problem. He said if he charges Cory then Cory will be in so much trouble. Ok...probably. He said maybe he should just make Cory buy him a new gun. I asked him, well isnt the plan for Cory not to ever live here again. Ok...yes. Hmmm. Ok. I walked away.

    Later in bed I told him I really thought he needed to think harder about his plan about this whole gun thing because I didnt think he had thought it out very well. If he intended for Cory to never come home here again after he left here for jail, then I really doubted that Cory would ever have the money to replace that gun. That was faulty planning on Tonys fault. Then I told Tony that it would have been so easy for me to have made the choice to just have had Cory repay me each month out of his disability check for the money he stole from me. I could have just kept those checks until the money was repaid. It wouldnt have taken all that long to do. However, what would that teach him other than that he could continue to steal from me when he wanted and I would look the other way. That I was his personal banker for loans. I didnt know what the courts would do to Cory when I took out those charges and I did know that it would be a felony. I really didnt want to do it either but I was mad and it was not the first time he had done it. I had had enough. Same thing applies here. Cory has done this before too. He continues to steal from us. He has been told by everyone including his PO that he cannot touch the guns and he did. Cory made that choice...not us. We didnt ask him to do this for us. It would be different if we had asked him to take it in. I told his dad that he really needs to talk to Corys PO after Cory turns himself in on the 8th and tell him what has happened. I personally think he will only violate him. Cory didnt commit some violent crime with the gun so I dont think anything else will happen. But he does need some added incentive to learn that rules do apply to him. We cant keep turning our heads.

    However, I am not going to be the one to make this decision for Dad. I will not be the bad guy yet again. Its time for someone else to step up too.
  2. Shari

    Shari IsItFridayYet?

    Good luck.

    I don't like to stereotype, but its what I've seen, too. difficult children' bio dad's father is the one who repeatedly bails him out, time and again...I just learned this past weekend the details on the latest charge he was bailed out of, and it nearly makes me sick.

    Hugs. I hope dad makes a good choice. Maybe remind him that the right thing to do often isn't the easiest...

    And I hope he sticks with the "living elsewhere" plan.
  3. flutterbee

    flutterbee Guest

    I think you need to remind Tony what Jamie sacrificed so he could buy that gift for his father. Remind Tony that Jamie ate noodles for weeks so he would be able to buy that gun. Not only would Cory not go without to do for another, he showed absolutely no respect for what Jamie did nor for what it meant to Tony. Cory's only concern was Cory. Period.

    And even after all that hoopla over Cory stealing the gun, he still came into YOUR room this morning and took YOUR phone that he is not supposed to take - and he knows this. He doesn't care. Cory is concerned about Cory.

    I think it should be reported. I doubt he will learn a lesson from it. But, some actions demand punishment - people need to be held accountable for their actions. At the very least, he needs to be out of your home. He is not a child. You should not have to live with all of this drama in YOUR home on a daily basis. Drama that drives YOU out of YOUR home just to get away from it.

    I'm sorry if this sounds harsh. I am just so damn angry at Cory and his constant 'abuse' of you and your home and now I'm angry that Tony is being wishy-washy. Like you've said, you've always dealt with it. It's his turn.
  4. mom_in_training

    mom_in_training New Member

    My opinion is the same as the others here. It should be reported. You would be doing an injustice otherwise. How is he to learn from his bad choices if he never has to step up and deal with the consequences of his actions. So far he has been pretty lucky under the circumstances. He certainly would not have any options available to him if he decided to steal a gun or rifle from someone else. Who knows, Maybe its jail time that he needs to realize that he needs to do something different. A long time ago I was talking to this guy that has been in prison pretty much half of his life ( Off and on since he was a teen) for doing the same type of things that Cory does. I commented to him one day that I have always wondered why he kept doing what he was doing knowing that hes not very good at being a criminal because he always gets caught and just like other people suggested that he might rethink things and get a different career. I have no clue if this guy ended up going back, It seemed that on average for him he would last one year (Always on parol), Maybe a lil longer and then get caught doing something stupid and go back to prison again. Yikes!!!! Five to 6 years at a time. What a life. The best way I can describe this guy is that it was like a teen stuck in a 40 some year olds body. Could have had something to do with him basically growing up in the jail environment. I just don't know. All I know is that Cory is still young and just might have a chance to turn it around so long as he has the ability to determine that he no longer wants this way of life. Its a tough spot for you and husband to be in and on Corys part a very selfish act to put you there to begin with. Cory knows right from wrong.

    The gun laws do vary from state to state. I do know for a fact that in Ca anybody that is a felon is prohibited from being around any guns or weapons period. You would think that being a felon regardless of what state that you live in that you would have to comply. (No ifs ands or buts). This would include anyplace where they are residing. It is mandatory that there be no weapons at the residence at all. If found its an instant back to jail for the remainder of their sentence.
    Last edited: Sep 2, 2008
  5. WhymeMom?

    WhymeMom? No real answers to life..

    Do you actually believe that Cory thinks he won't be living at home after his jail "stint"? I'm sure he's heard the words, but he THINKS I will be back at home after this brief period away........betcha $5 bucks! Cory has learned that he can get around most rules, they aren't meant for him....... I hate to be blunt, but he has never learned that he must pay for his mistakes......he has only learned to endure wrath for a little while and he can go back to whatever he wants to do. Now I'm all about forgiveness and second chances once the lesson is learned, but Cory is so far from this in understanding that he may never get it.

    In dealing with my own difficult child I have come to the realization that their thinking patterns are just "off" and no matter how I believe he was raised he just doesn't get that he cannot borrow (steal) things that he hasn't earned. If I hadn't actually given birth to difficult child I would never be near him and at present I haven't seen or talked to him for more than a year. You may have to face this fact or realize that Cory will always be "borrowing" because it is what he does......
  6. DammitJanet

    DammitJanet Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Oh I am sure Cory believes he will be back because he doesnt believe one word we say. Why should he? I am sure he was shocked out of his socks when I actually pressed charges for the checks. I am actually fully willing and able to withstand his "whatever" to get him out when the time comes but dont know about his dad.

    I hope that he comes to the right decision once Cory goes into jail. I know it is the thing that needs to happen.
  7. Shari

    Shari IsItFridayYet?

    Can/Will the pawn shop turn him in? I think it ought to be dad, but if dad doesn't, will a bug in the pawn shop's ear do anything?
  8. susiestar

    susiestar Roll With It

    Janet, I am not at all sure why dads often seem to not "get it". Or why we so often end up being the "bad guys". I guess, in my house, I end up the bad guy because my husband will just NOT deal with things. He just refuses. He will wait and wait and wait and do very little hoping that the problem will go away. It isn't just with the kids - he treats the CARS like this too. Rather than getting a problem fixed he would rather turn up the radio or take my car or anything than facing a problem. And I DON'T let him get away with it. I push him to get the car fixed, because if I just keep taking care of htings the entire situation gets worse and worse.

    I know how totally shocked I felt when my husband said he thought I had the Sheriff take Wiz away just because I was angry with him over homework. You could have knocked me over with a feather. husband KNEW at the time why I insisted Wiz not live here. But husband ignored all the violence with Wiz (even up to the ER trip to deal with my hand after Wiz damaged it in a rage) so that he wouldn't have to cope.

    NOT ALL husband'S/DADS ARE LIKE THIS. I do know htis. But Tony hasn't really coped with Cory's stunts. He hasn't had to. So he is coming into this where you were many years ago.

    I am sorry this is the way it is. Cory does not now, nor will he respect your boundaries or rules. The situation with the gun is NOT your or Tony's fault. The guns were legally owned by other adult family members. cory was staying with you as a very nice favor while he was on house arrest. But Tony hasn't faced the fact that Cory has no respect for him, or for Jamie, or for Jamie's sacrifice. It is quite common with our difficult children, in my opinion.

    You will probably have to keep pushing Tony to do the right thing. And in this case, in my opinion, pressing charges is the right thing. Cory VIOLATED Tony, YOU, and Jamie. Before Tony lets all of this slide, he really NEEDS to ask JAMIE what should happen.

    And, Tony should probably think about what will happen next if Cory isn't punished for this. Because it will only keep getting worse.

    Sending hugs,

  9. Nomad

    Nomad Guest

    I came here to post a two parter and one part was this exact same topic! I'm not sure I now the answer (obviously). I don't want to hijack your thread...so look for mine! Men LOL!
  10. DDD

    DDD Well-Known Member

    Based on the really big UPS and DOWNS that you and Tony have been experiencing, I'm not comfortable making any suggestions. Not long ago it sounded as though your husband was showing the signs of excess stress and either did or said he was going to escape for a weekend to chill.

    If you have or can "detach" from Cory, I tend to think you need to ignore
    Cory as much as possible and envision a peaceful life with Tony. Your marriage will be very different when it is an "empty nest". You will be able to focus on your own health, get sufficient rest, stop having the drama of
    difficult child and his baggage. Tony may not be able to take action against Cory.
    If he can not do so.....detach, detach, detach.

    Figure out how you can schedule your life to maximize the pleasure of having a husband as your companion who can become NUMBER ONE after
    alot of years in a lower position. I see the answer as 1+1=2. Free of
    other interference, I bet two could be an awesome number again. Hugs.
  11. Star*

    Star* call 911........call 911


    The charge for possession of a gun (even in a pawn) by a felon is a Federal charge. It carries a sentence of 15 years. The story above is similar. Thought maybe Cory would like to read.

    I checked my x's records. Apparently he was NOT a felon when this happened. The charge for felony was expunged as he was 15...so I recant my story.

    And then he takes your PHONE this MORNING??

    How many bricks (I ask myself) have to hit me in the head before I find the lump on my head that is my son.

    Sending you huge hugs.
  12. ScentofCedar

    ScentofCedar New Member

    Excellent advice, DDD.

    Janet, I think you are right about Tony not being in the same emotional place you are where Cory is concerned. You have been the parent who dealt with the dirty details over the years. That taught you some harsh lessons that Tony hasn't had to learn. If you can forgive him for that and concentrate on loving one another in spite of the awful things Cory has brought into your lives together, I think you will make it through this time stronger and more committed to one another.

    Just for the record?

    We never reported anything stolen.

    Knowing we had been stolen from by our own child changed something in the way we saw him, though ~ and that was a higher cost to pay than any criminal charge.

    What a terrible time for you and your family.

  13. Hound dog

    Hound dog Nana's are Beautiful


    You're right. Time for someone else to be the bad guy for a change. It was Tony's gun afterall.

    Sounds to me like you made some very clear valid points to Tony. I hope he listens. I know he loves the kid. Unfortunately that's not the issue. Somehow Cory has got to learn.

    If it were me, I'd let this stay between Tony, Jamie, and Cory. I'd be doing my best to detach completely from it.

  14. DammitJanet

    DammitJanet Well-Known Member Staff Member

    I think he is coming around. He is quite depressed about the whole thing. It is depressing. No one wants to do this to ones own sons. I told him how I think it should be accomplished and then let the chips fall where they may. I do think the pawn shop people should be hung up by their toenails for trying to intimidate Tony into thinking that HE was as much at fault for this happening as Cory. Good darn thing I wasnt there at the time.
  15. susiestar

    susiestar Roll With It

    I totally agree the pawnshop people should be hung up by their toenails for trying to make Tony think he had any fault in this mess. I believe that was a lame attempt to get the pawnshop out of trouble. They received stolen goods from a felon. If Tony lets the whole thing go then no one will check into the pawnshop to see how much of their merchandise is stolen. This is probably NOT the first stolen item that they received. In a small town like yours they probably know most people and knew that Cory was a felon. So I think the pawnshop should also have some trouble to cope with.

    I am glad Tony is listening to you. The situation is depressing. I am sending hugs and prayers to you both.

    Will you be home tomorrow? I will give you a call to see how you are doing.