Why is This MY Problem?!?!?

Discussion in 'General Parenting' started by DaisyFace, Feb 17, 2010.

  1. DaisyFace

    DaisyFace Love me...Love me not

    O I am ticked!!!

    As you know, difficult child has not been attending class regularly, nor doing the homework, nor doing the classwork regularly. Therefore, no surprise, she is at risk of failing.

    Today, the school sent home a letter inviting difficult child to participate in an afterschool program, with a 1:1 tutor--to "assist" her with passing Math I.

    As the parent, I am supposed to agree to arrange transportation, sign her agenda daily, and encourage her to keep up with her work.

    Yeah, beacuse that's been working real well so far!


    I don't have the slightest inclination to drive her to tutoring, nor battle about homework, nor sign agendas...

    I have been reminding and reminding and reminding difficult child to do her homework all year. Why is it my problem to now make special arrangements for her??? I am really angry about this!

    What do you think? Am I right to be angry?

    Should I swallow my feelings and do this stuff so that difficult child can pass?

    Or should I say "Tuff Nuggies"--since you have not bothered to do anything until now, you can suffer the consequences...?

    I know what I WANT to say...they can take this special program and...well...you get the idea.

  2. TerryJ2

    TerryJ2 Well-Known Member

    I know what I WANT to say...they can take this special program and...well...you get the idea.

    LOL!! I hear ya!

    Well, I think you're stuck. Because you're the mom. Just like we're all stuck.
    I'm thinking they think she's got a brain, or else the tutoring wouldn't help.
    And they think it's not an attitude issue, that it's a learning issue.

    I don't understand about the transportation. Isn't she already at school and the tutor is in the bldg? Or do they want you to hire an outside tutor?

    She's going to give you lip about the tutoring. Almost all kids hate it. Use earplugs. :(
  3. smallworld

    smallworld Moderator

    Is it possible she will do her homework in the after-school program and it will therefore be off your plate and out of your house? In that case, it would be worth it.
  4. Marguerite

    Marguerite Active Member

    I'd put the anger on the backburner for now, but keep the reason for the anger in the forefront. Then call the person in charge of the program and have a friendly, frank discussion with the person.
    Ask things like - "she is in this mess because I have already been trying to encourage her and ensure she gets places, I've done everything a parent could do - but SHE chose to actively work against this and sabotage herself. SO - what can you say to me to encourage ME to keep doing this when all it does is bring grief, screaming rages, tantrums and lack of output? Please give ME something to help me go on."

    I'd also be asking - surely trying to make it look like I am the one responsible for her success or failure, is totally removing her personal responsibility for her own problems?

    Then see what they say.

    I think the school's position is different to yours, they have different regulations they have to follow and you might find the person very understanding. They may also have some interesting ideas on what you could do, as well as some sound advice. They MUST come across this sort of thing often.

  5. Andy

    Andy Active Member

    I would give it a try. If it doesn't seem to be improving anything within a few weeks, then address that issue. I would also ask about a 1:1 tutor during study halls and ask that she be given a daily study hall in place of an elective. Or, have her drop a major class and make it up during the summer so that she can have a study hall to focus on the other major classes. (We did this with Diva - we had her take math through a small private school during the summer and insisted that the school give her a study hall period during that time - she did the math the summer BEFORE the grade - you may have to wait for summer to start this). That way she could get her work done and didn't have math homework every night. The summer school she went to didn't have homework either - everything was done during the class time.

    I think it is harder for a kid to not do work in the school setting or with another adult than it is to come home and purposely not do homework.

    I know those parent letters are such a waste of time. I have to sign them along with all the other parents of the 7th grade math class. What a joke! As if any parent who is not supportive is going to turn around and start behaving properly in encouraging their child. And, there are subjects that you just don't want me to help any child with let alone one who will whine and carry on when I am trying to explain something I do know about. If I wanted to teach my child, I would have homeschooled him. It is the schools job to make sure they are teaching each and every student. It is their job to make sure how they are teaching is being received by the students. We know that does not happen - if it did, none of the kids would fail. There truly are teachers out there that do not have the ability to teach and that is very sad.

    I applaud your school for actually noticing that your child is falling behind and actually trying to offer help. The school my Diva went to was very happy in allowing their students to fail. They could care less if the kids understood what was being taught. No one EVER informed me when Diva was falling behind - I had to wait until the report card came out. I begged and pleaded for extra help but they were not interested in finding any. I pulled her out and put her into another school and guess what? She went from D's to A's. A wonder what a good teaching staff can do when they really want to teach the student.
  6. JJJ

    JJJ Active Member

    Maybe reverse psychiatric it. Refuse and let her beg to go.
  7. wethreepeeps

    wethreepeeps New Member

    I have to sign my son's agenda every day. It often says "Bub violently declined to do his homework, despite the loss of tv privileges and offers to help him understand the material." or "Bub cannot turn in the math worksheet because he tore it into pieces instead of doing the problems." At least the teachers know that I'm reading the darn thing and I'm trying.
  8. DaisyFace

    DaisyFace Love me...Love me not

    I simplified...sorry about being confusing.

    There are no late buses, so kids that stay after school have to be picked up by the parents. Usually, not a big deal...

    However, difficult child is a liar...and has often used the excuse of "needing to stay after school" as an opportunity to get up to no good. Further, whenever husband and I arrive at the school to pick her up--unlike the other parents--we end up sitting there in our car waiting.....and waiting....and waiting....

    Finally, we have to park the car and go into the school and start searching. And when we finally find her it is nothing but excuses:

    O, I forgot....
    I didn't know....
    I thought you were at the other door...

    Last time I had to pick her up from school we had a dentist appointment immediately after for difficult child and her brother. After waiting....and waiting....and parking and searching the school--I was ready to just leave her there. I turned the ignition ready to pull out of the lot when difficult child finally came running up to the car with the excuse that she had been waiting at the other door (which she hadn't...because I checked).

    So when I say "Arrange transportation", I really mean that I have to agree to this baloney every day after school--or find someone else who is willing to play difficult child's games.

  9. DammitJanet

    DammitJanet Well-Known Member Staff Member

    How far are you from the school?

    Is it on busy streets or could she actually ride a bike? You know, back in the olden days kids did ride bikes to and from school and we didnt keel over dead from it!
  10. DaisyFace

    DaisyFace Love me...Love me not


    It's not a matter of difficult child being physically able to walk or bike a couple miles...

    It's a matter of difficult child taking advantage of un-supervised time. In the past, she has used the cover of "afterschool activities" to have sex at school. I don't feel I can take a chance on letting her be responsible for getting home on her own. G-d only knows where she'd end up and/or with whom!
  11. CrazyinVA

    CrazyinVA Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Hm well, I'd ignore the "encourage" part of the letter. Standard language, and you're already doing your part. As for the program, if you think she'll really participate, it's worth a shot so that she'll pass. I think you'll know within a week whether or not she's actually participating, or if she's using it as an excuse to hang out after school and do nothing. If it's the latter, I'd drop it pretty quickly and not waste my time any further. It's in her hands really.. you are doing her a huge favor if you agree to the transportation so she gets the extra help.. if she screws it up, it's on her, not you.
  12. 'Chelle

    'Chelle Active Member

    My difficult child has always had issues with doing homework at home, and his marks suffer for it. What's worked for us the last couple years is having our difficult child take a resource room as an elective each semester. It's a classroom situation he's required to be in just like any other subject, with a teacher available, and the kids get help with any work they have problems with. My difficult child uses it, with help from his TA and the teacher, to do most of his homework. We then don't have the worry and wars of him supposed to do it at home, which he'll seldom do no matter what kind of prompting I give him. Maybe this tutoring session would help your difficult child that way.

    The transportation thing, yeah, wouldn't look forward to that aggravation myself. My difficult child is never late for pickup because he just wants to get the heck out of the place. I guess you'd have to measure the plus of her passing math and moving on against the minus of the pickup situation.
  13. susiestar

    susiestar Roll With It

    Maybe the teacher could keep her in the classroom until you came in to the room to get her, just like with little kids?

    I would not be thrilled to do this, but would give her a chance to MAYBE do it IF she is willing to work for it. If it takes you 30 min round trip to pick her up then she has to give you 30 min of work to pay you back. My mom did this with gfgbro. Not sure how successful it was, but she tried.
  14. DaisyFace

    DaisyFace Love me...Love me not

    Yes, she would have to. I am absolutely unwilling to chase her down every day.


    I LOVE this idea!!! It puts the responsibility for attending tutoring and following this program entirely on difficult child's shoulders.


    I will run this idea by husband and see what he thinks (he's not any more thrilled about this program than I am).

  15. flutterby

    flutterby Fly away!

    I'm of two minds on this one, just because of how your difficult child takes advantage of things.

    I would have the tutor sign something every day that difficult child actually attended and have difficult child stay put until she is picked up.
  16. DammitJanet

    DammitJanet Well-Known Member Staff Member

    I like Susiestars and Heathers ideas.

    Making her get her "pass stamped" every day...lol. I love it! Maybe the teacher can put a leash on her and come hand her off to you too.

    Im so cruel.

    I remember in 8th grade when Cory was skipping so much, I would literally take him to school and physically put his hand in the teachers hand. I would then look into the teachers eyes and say to them that now they had physical custody of him and to NOT LET GO OF HIM...lol. I swear, sometimes he would be out the back door and on his way back to the house before I got back to my job. I cant tell you how many times I had co-workers stop by my desk and tell me they saw him walking through town on their way into work. Sigh.
  17. Sheila

    Sheila Moderator

    After years of battling with-the school district, spending hours of non-productive homework time with-difficult child, etc., etc., etc., I used a notification just such as this in yet another scream for help to the sd. Don't tell me on one hand, he's fine, then I open the mailbox to such information. Which one is it: does he need extra help or not.

    If she has an IEP, call a meeting and have this included -- be sure to add the transportation arrangements.

    If she doesn't have an IEP, for her benefit get her there if you can swing it but use the letter to help document she needs an IEP.

    They'll tell you they do it for everybody. Not true. They don't spend unnecessary money on academics. They must be in fear that she's going to bomb the educators accountablility testing -- you know, that one they give every year around spring time....
  18. timer lady

    timer lady Queen of Hearts

    Please forgive me for not reading all the responses ~ I would encourage you to listen to Sheila; she knows this stuff inside out.
  19. DaisyFace

    DaisyFace Love me...Love me not


    So, I contacted difficult child's teacher and found out the following:

    1) There is a whole group of students who are being offered this program

    2) The Tutoring is primarily to help these kids with "study skills" and "organization" in addition to math (not one-on-one, but they promise the child will get some individual help as needed).

    3) difficult child is failing NOT because of any lack of comprehension or organizational issues--she simply refuses to do the work.

    I also discovered that difficult child herself thought the tutoring was a substitute or a "shortcut" for doing the work. I guess she figured if she went to tutoring she would pass, regardless of anything else.

    So...with that information in hand, husband and I sat difficult child down and told her we'd be happy to support her in this program and go through the hassle of driving her for the tutoring IF she would give us something in return. husband asked for 30 min of yard work to make up for the thirty minutes of driving each time...

    Upon hearing this...difficult child got really angry and yelled "If that's how you're gonna be--I might as well just do the homework then!!!" and she stomped off to her room.

    So--looks like difficult child intends to start doing her homework...and bring her grades up on her own...just like she should have been doing all along.

    Boy, she sure showed us!!!


    Gotta love it...

  20. DammitJanet

    DammitJanet Well-Known Member Staff Member

    LOL...gotta love it. She will just do homework to get out of doing a chore.

    Showed you!