So, Christmas has come and gone. My borderline 39 year old adult daughter has gotten her ex's parents to enable her, so I am cut out of her life. I didn't see my two grandchildren for Christmas. My 32 year old son is in jail until May, and his ex is an addict, so I don't see that grandchild either. Both of my difficult adult children choose to blame me, manipulate, and use me to suit their purpose. Both see me as the problem and themselves as victims. It's what I've learned is called offending from the victim position. It hurts, but I am learning to detach, and the strength and wisdom I find on this site help me with this process. It's taken years to get here. The grief is big, but the insanity, chaos, and abuse were worse, so I choose self-care. I choose to have only those people in my life who value me and treat me with kindness, and I try my very best to do the same. I will not let my troubled children define me although I will always love them and wish them healing and recovery. They do not get to be a part of my life unless they can learn to respect me and my boundaries, and, sadly, so far they haven't shown themselves capable of that. My best wishes to all the caring and lovely members on this site for healing and serenity in the new year.