Wishes for the New Year

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by Acacia, Dec 27, 2017.

  1. Acacia

    Acacia Active Member

    So, Christmas has come and gone. My borderline 39 year old adult daughter has gotten her ex's parents to enable her, so I am cut out of her life. I didn't see my two grandchildren for Christmas. My 32 year old son is in jail until May, and his ex is an addict, so I don't see that grandchild either. Both of my difficult adult children choose to blame me, manipulate, and use me to suit their purpose. Both see me as the problem and themselves as victims. It's what I've learned is called offending from the victim position.

    It hurts, but I am learning to detach, and the strength and wisdom I find on this site help me with this process. It's taken years to get here. The grief is big, but the insanity, chaos, and abuse were worse, so I choose self-care. I choose to have only those people in my life who value me and treat me with kindness, and I try my very best to do the same. I will not let my troubled children define me although I will always love them and wish them healing and recovery. They do not get to be a part of my life unless they can learn to respect me and my boundaries, and, sadly, so far they haven't shown themselves capable of that.

    My best wishes to all the caring and lovely members on this site for healing and serenity in the new year.
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  2. Littleboylost

    Littleboylost On the road unwanted to travel

    Painful but excellent choices Acacia you are worth it!

    May 2018 bring you all the peace and joy you deserve.
  3. Tanya M

    Tanya M Living with an attitude of gratitude Staff Member

    Acacia, you are doing great!!!
    Well said!!

    I wish you a wonderful New Year!!
  4. New Leaf

    New Leaf Well-Known Member

    Well written Acacia. It is unfortunate that d cs have grown up and gone the route, convincing themselves that we are to blame for their poor choices. My two have said pretty much the same. It’s my fault. Huh. Well I guess it enables them to keep on the same track.
    So, most days I feel the same as you have written, with a little wobble here and there. :confused:
    I will not see myself through their eyes and definition anymore.
    Keep strong Acacia and stand tall.
    Thank you for your inspiring post!
    Here’s to a wonderful New Year!
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  5. NCGram

    NCGram New Member

    Acacia, first of all, my heart hurts for you. 2nd, I'm right there with you as far as not seeing grandkids. My son and his first wife had 3. They lived with us most of the time due to son and wife had no grasp on finances. Finally they divorced and son won full custody of the 3 kids. During the time of divorce son met current girlfriend and they had a child. We helped them financially, even going into debt to make sure the grandkids and kids had what they needed. They lived in TN, about 3 hrs from us. Then they moved to NC about 10 minutes from us. Son's dad, my husband, called girlfriend out on some untruths she had told. girlfriend gets mad at us, son gets mad at us and the oldest grandson (age 8) is asked if he will live with his bio mom. girlfriend and 8 yr old didn't get along well, so of course he said yes. So, girlfriend, son, 2 other grands and new baby son had with girlfriend move to Boston where she is from.

    Son and girlfriend have been caught in several lies and got called out on them. Long story short (I know, too late, haha) we have been cussed out, been told we are dead to them, we are to stay away from them etc. Did not get to see or talk with grandkids. Bio mom is mad at us because she was told we didn't want to have anything to do with oldest grandson, told by our own son!

    This site has really helped in me realizing that: my son is a liar, his girlfriend is a liar, I wouldn't know the truth if it sat beside me, so I have decided to detach. I worry constantly about the babies, but, I can't control the actions of their parents. Hopefully when they are older the grandkids will come to us for our side of the story. There is nothing else I can do.
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