Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by Suz, Apr 28, 2008.

  1. Suz

    Suz (the future) MRS. GERE

    OMG Witz. How can you stand it?

    Does L have memories of her early years? Can she protest the charges now that she's an adult so that you don't have to live in such fear?

  2. witzend

    witzend Well-Known Member

    I stand it as best I can. I can't live every day with the anger that it deserves. I know I can't ever win, they're far too powerful, so the anger is futile.

    To L it's no big deal. She knows they did this and she knows it isn't true. It's like growing up with an alcoholic parent. It's what you know, so it seems normal. Of course, her dad continuing to give her a $700 a month allowance, cell phone, car, car insurance, and medical insurance doesn't help my cause much.

    If ever it comes up, which is maybe two or three times in her life, she says "Yes, it was terrible but you shouldn't hold on to those things." I don't. That doesn't mean I will ever be ok with it. It prevents me from doing things other people are free to do because I have to hide it from the world. It won't ever be ok.

    In fact, she is more supportive of her Dad and SM's support group from the time, because they're wealthy and powerful and she would rather be associated with them in public than with me. Those people very successfully tore me to bits in her eyes. That we see or talk to each other at all is a miracle.

    She says things like "I can never be in the same room with you and (my dad's ex-girlfriend) the pediatrician that testified against you because you can't stand her." Duh. But I can be in the same room with her. So who's really uncomfortable with that woman? It's the doctor that has run - literally - from the building when I walked into the room. If I wanted, I could have her license yanked, because I can prove that in the molestation accusation that the SM made against me the doctor used white out in her notes to change them from "No redness" to "Mild redness" in L's privates. And forgot to mention that L never said a word except for when the vengeful SM who had taken me to court 3 times before was in the room. I just don't think that it would accomplish what I needed at this point in my life. She'd tell L, and L would hate me.

    I don't know. Maybe one day L will get it. Maybe after she has kids. But even if that never happens, she's right in that I can't hold on to that. It's just too much.
  3. mom_to_3

    mom_to_3 Active Member

    I was wondering the same thing Witz. I do not understand how you do that and then do not become bitter. I can usually put my bitter feelings aside and had done so until this recent go round with CPS. It's difficult to keep those feelings where they belong. An angry, bitter person is not attractive and only serves to make one look and feel worse. I don't want to be that.

    There are times that I have felt like an innocent person accused of a crime and serving a prison sentence. I bet you can relate to that! I have suffered in silence.

    With all these new "happenings" and the misrepresentation, I will do so no longer! I have spoke often and I am speaking LOUD! I AM being heard, but not to my total satisfaction. I am not bratty, I am not demanding, but I intend to seek complete justice so that this "misrepresentation" will NEVER be made against us again.

    Our "stories" are very different, but I imagine the injustice hurts just the same. I don't even know how you keep quiet about this Witz! There is only so much a person can take. Mothering defines so much of who I am. The accusations made against you are horrific! I believe I would go to my grave exposing and trying to correct that crap. :grrr: I am angry for you!

    I hope I don't hurt you with these words, I know you have to do what works for you. You know more than I, what all the ramifications are of dragging out those skeletons. If your X is still around, how much power he still has, etc. I hope you have found a box to put those bitter feelings in. Peace, girl!
  4. witzend

    witzend Well-Known Member

    I had to add a PS to this. When my parents and I had our big blow-up 10 years ago, the prime reason was that they took advantage of L, who had been placed in a group home by her dad, in order to hurt me with her, and to belittle me in her eyes all in one fell swoop. Her dad was an active participant in it. When I confronted my dad with this, asking him "how could you involve him in this after what he did to me?" His response was "He never did anything to me. Besides, you deserved everything that happened to you for getting pregnant when you weren't married." Of course much more than this was said, and my mom sat there and absorbed it all. Then tried to tell me "We love you" when I walked out on it. All anyone acknowledges is that I got angry at my poor elderly parents.

    L feels I am at fault in this rift because I won't forgive them if they won't admit they were wrong. I don't feel a need to see them or be involved with them, but it doesn't make it easy to be told I'd never be allowed to attend Thanksgiving or Christmas dinner. It makes me a loser in L's eyes because my family has only heard my dad's side of the story and hates me and I won't go crawling back to them.

    So, I guess L's pretty screwed up all the way around. But, it's not of my making and she won't ask for help, so there's really not anything I can do to help her. I hope she'll learn to respect herself more one day.
  5. witzend

    witzend Well-Known Member

    Having been judged guilty, It's my word against that of a judge, a doctor, and two lawyers who will never change their stories for fear that they will lose their livelihoods. I just don't have the power. Only three or four friends are aware of my story. I usually don't tell anyone unless I know them for years, and even then, not usually.

    I am not at all hurt by your words. I want you to know that you are not alone in the horror that we go through for our kids. And for the most part (as you know) life can be pretty good. ;)

    As to that box, I think of it as a portrait. It's funny, because of my Muscular Dystrophy, my facial muscles are very weak. So, I have no lines and wrinkles. I look very young. Maybe mid 30's rather than nearly 50. No one ever believes me when I tell them how old I am. I mean they literally say "No you're not!" Then they say, "How do you stay so young looking?" I tell them that I have a portrait in the attic that no one sees but me. And while I continue to look young and vibrant, the portrait grows older and uglier and holds all of the evil things about me. ;) Thank you, Oscar Wilde...
  6. Star*

    Star* call 911........call 911

    Dear Dorian,

    I understand COMPLETELY - Evil, manipulative, liar family with ties to unsavory people and money - ruins yet two more lives at complete opposite ends of the US. In the last 6 months Dude has "sought" out "HIS" family. - Years of therapy, hiding and worry for him to pick up the phone and call the devil's advocate. Yup - you either let go or go crazy.

    Much Love - Tons of Understanding
  7. susiestar

    susiestar Roll With It


    I am so sorry that your ex and his new wife put you through this kind of he##. The WILL get theirs, it is unavoidable. I am sorry they are hampering L's growing up. They sound really sick.

    I am amazed that you can continue to go on and enjoy life. I know the pain is always there, but you really have become wise from this, and are inspiring. I think I would be curled up in a box for a LONG time.

  8. witzend

    witzend Well-Known Member

    I had to laugh a little when you said that they would get theirs. She was the instigator behind most of the allegations against me. He cheated on her a lot, and when she would catch him, she would lash out at me in an official complaint. It was usually either that or when I would have jumped through some hoop that they had set up for me (like 12 months of supervised visits 3 times a week for 3 hours a day - made for great work hours) and when I was on my way to getting more regular visitation there would be a CPS card on the door, or I'd show up for a visit and they'd say "No. Find a lawyer." Of course, I never had money for a lawyer, and had to represent myself in court 4 times in hearings that were 2 - 3 days long.

    He divorced SM when L was about 7, and she died when L was about 9. He's been serial dating ever since, as opposed to the serial cheating he used to do. I have to think that a 52 year old man who is still trying to find "the right one", usually ending up with heavy drinkers who get knocked up, with no home of his own because his ex left their house to the other daughter, he gets his from time to time. But not enough. I'm still waiting for whatever it is that will make me go "Well good. Too bad for you."
  9. ChefPaula1965

    ChefPaula1965 Oh my aching back!!

    Hey Witz** wow what a story.......... these terrible things that happen to us by our own families.............
    I am so sorry to hear your horror story.. and then your parents stabbing you in the back after all these years..
    I guess maybe they felf "violated" that you got pregnant before getting married... let me tell you my :censored2: mother had the same issues... (yet I was already 23 and had not lived in her home for well over 5 years).... i always get so sad when I hear that other people go through this crap ..... it is so sad.. she has been able to get custody of Andre 3 times ... well that is soon to be over he willbe 18 on Sunday...
    I just wanted to let you know that I "fell your pain" and send you some hugs.............
  10. witzend

    witzend Well-Known Member

    Thanks, Paula, and big hugs to you, too. You know, until my father had said that to me, and I was 38 years old, that it finally dawned on me what they meant by "living in sin". A phrase he used to use a lot. It's a "mortal sin". So, I guess it was hopeless anyway...

    Happy birthday to Andre, wherever he may be. And happy "you're no longer legally responsible" day to you! ;)

    I'm sure I still have issues with this stuff. I'm not sure if we ever get over something that awful. I know that I get overly sensitive from time to time. Menopause doesn't help much. At least I'm way past the point in my life that I wonder "what did I ever do to deserve this?" I was just in the wrong place at the wrong time. But the beauty of them being adults is that eventually you realize that they are their own people and it doesn't matter one little bit what you do or what you think they now get to make their own decisions, right or wrong. The beauty is in letting them go and realizing that your life is your own again, and you're old enough to know how to stay away from the toxic people.
  11. Steely

    Steely Active Member

    Hey Witz

    Just sending hugs. We have connected so many times, but yet, not really. I feel like we have a common bond in fighting the injustice in the world - and yet - up until this point, it has gone unspoken.

    You and I felt the same when H. was missing - that righteous indignation that my parents and the cops would not step up to the plate. I feel a similar righteous indignation every day whenever something is not fair, ethical, or moral - and it is frustrating to feel so mad all of the time. I am trying to step back, and find the peace in life, but yet I know my unrest stems from all of the past injustices done to me.

    I am trying to find the zen in my world - but it is hard. It helps to know there are others like you that are struggling, yet victorious, in similar ways.

    Many, many hugs. And thanks again for all of your support with H.
  12. ChefPaula1965

    ChefPaula1965 Oh my aching back!!

    WOW Witz... the adult thing is going to be hard for me to swallow... how long is "eventually"? realizing that they are their own people.............
    At least now, I dont have to deal with my M&*(%)#$&%^ (mother) about all this alleged abuse... all these back and forth with the custody etc....
    That part is a releif!!!
    Have a great week end!!
    (I dont usually sign on to the internet on with-e)
  13. witzend

    witzend Well-Known Member

    All I can say is it's not the day that they become adults! I think their maturity happens more quickly the sooner we disengage from the micromanaging. A lot of it is on us to just decide that we can't make up their minds for them, so it's time for us to let go. That's when we get to become our own people again, too.
  14. ChefPaula1965

    ChefPaula1965 Oh my aching back!!

    The main thing is that because of his "behavior" problems, I will continue to see him as imature... though I know I can do nothing about the choices he makes... I still want to protect him.. I still want to tell him.... don't do that you will be sorry....
    I can't stand the idea of him having to go to adult jail on Sunday.. what a birthday gift!!!
    Witz you are a better person than I am!
  15. witzend

    witzend Well-Known Member

    Well, thanks for saying so, but no way! I'm just different than you are. Not to mention, my kids have both been out of my house for several years. It's just husband and I. Other than husband, I'm not in "Mommy mode" anymore.

    It will be hard for Andre and hard for you. But as much as you want to protect him from himself, you can't anymore. You can guide him, but usually only when he seeks it out. You can be savvy about knowing the difference between his asking for guidance and peeing in your ear and telling you that it's raining outside.

    Sometimes a handout is ok, when guidance is sought out as well, I guess. Like earlier in the year when we made sure that M had clothing good enough for a job interview, and gave him a few bucks to rent his own place after he had helped out husband with some home repairs. But it was totally up to him to get the job and keep it and keep the place. Luckily we don't have to worry that he will blow cash on drugs. I'm not naive, I know he dabbles in pot and drinks. But he is 21, and I knew that he wanted a place to live more than he wanted to blow money on a bottle. I just hope he can keep the job. I guess we never get over worrying. You just begin to realize that it does no good.
  16. ChefPaula1965

    ChefPaula1965 Oh my aching back!!

    some times these diferences make us different..
    But I am kinda new to the "emeritus" part.. though Andre has been in and out of our home...
    letting go... and detaching is very very difficult.. what at struggle!
    P aula