Wondering if husband could be Borderline (BPD)??

Discussion in 'The Watercooler' started by WNC Gal, Jan 11, 2008.

  1. WNC Gal

    WNC Gal New Member

    After 18 months of battling the issues relating to our 14 year old daughter who suffers from major depression with borderline personality traits, I am starting to wonder if my husband suffers from it too. For our 16 years + of marriage he has been a predominantly wonderful guy - very level, hard working, romantic, and involved and interested in the kids.

    Lately however he has become VERY moody. My mom (after visiting for a week) described him as Jekyll and Hyde. At one point during the day, he might dole out compliments, take on extra chores and be non-judgemental of the kids. At another point later in the day, he might be full of never ending complaints about anything and everything and in "picking a fight" about nothing mode. He can also escalate arguments over seemingly nothing by envisioning the worst case scenario. He will go on and on supposedly saying what I'm thinking such as, "You don't want to thank me for the work I do because I'm such a jerk. Everyone always turns against me - no one appreciates what I do.

    He alternately complains that I interrupt him all the time and tonight complains that I don't listen to him or acknowledge him.

    He has had a few runs of what I call borderline irresponsible behavior (not entirely illegal) such as drinking too much and luckily his friends drove him home. He also got involved with a corrupt friend who tried to blackmail us (unsuccessfully). I also just found out he was NOT in attendance at an evening meeting a few weeks ago when I recall he came home quite late - wonder where he was?

    And his relationship with our difficult child daughter has deteriorated pretty badly. In our last family therapy session (by phone)he stormed out and slammed the door and later said that he no longer has THREE kids, only TWO. He was angry because the therapist carefully implied that he might have some "work to do" to prepare for our daughters homecoming and that we have some responsibility for our child's depression and suicide attempt (I disagree with the last part!).

    I'm not sure what to do... I am very worried that our marriage is shakier than I thought. I am not interested in abandoning our marriage - I think it is very critical for our kids to stay together. He has never been abusive or highly demeaning to me. But his moodiness is getting very hard to live with. He also seems to be suffering from a hearing loss which causes issues when he doesn't hear me speaking (he thinks I'm ignoring him).

    I haven't broached the topic about marital counseling recently. He seems to feel that the therapist will be "looking for someone to blame it all on" and I guess that it will be him.

    Perhaps I should consider therapy just for myself. I have NEVER thought of this before in our marriage, but I am considering having a one time fling with someone I know (who lives far away) because I have such a huge gap in my heart with all of these issues. Also in some weird way, I feel like it will shield me emotionally from being the "wronged" one if it turns out that he is (and I am really starting to suspect it) having an affair. There have been little warning signs like a gift of cologne appearing at his office (he claims he bought it but could not tell me from which store). He carries aftershave in his briefcase but never sprays it on before coming home to me! And the meeting a few weeks ago which he did NOT attend and told me he did.

    Anyone been in any similar situation? Any advice?
  2. susiestar

    susiestar Roll With It

    SMZ PLEASE DO NOT HAVE A "FLING"!!! It will NOT protect you in any way if he is having an affair.

    I do think therapy for yourself is a good idea if he will not go to marriage therapy.

    I think his statement of only having 2 kids is abusive, to your 14yo and to you!

    I would investigate the warning signs, trust your instincts, but continue to live a life you would be proud to tell your grandmother about (and your grandkids!). I know you don't have grandkids, but this is one of the rules that I use to help make decisions about big things or risky things.

    I am so sorry you are having these problems with your husband. Would he use one of those cheap amplifiers they sell for people who are hard of hearing but won't go to the doctor? I have seen them in WalMart, but not sure where.


  3. DammitJanet

    DammitJanet Well-Known Member

    I dont know if these are borderline traits or not. Have you looked up the criteria for it? I dont really see myself too much in what you are describing...lol. Normally the hallmark of borderline is manipulation but maybe you could consider his picking of fights and declaring he only has 2 daughters manipulation. The desire not to go to therapy is normal for a anyone with a personality disorder.

    I would also urge you not to retaliate with a fling of your own even if he is having one. It wont help.
  4. Lostfan108

    Lostfan108 New Member

    Oh honey a fling won't solve a thing, just one gals opinion, a gal who wants nothing to do with the male species for the rest of my life, sigh..............of course both difficult child's are male, so not much of a choice there.
  5. TerryJ2

    TerryJ2 Well-Known Member

    Gosh, you've got a lot going on there. I feel for the leftout child, when he said he only had two kids. That was cruel.
    Have you had a chance to sit down and talk with-him, to tell him that you love him but you are worried about his behavior?
    I'd be worried about having a fling, as it would end up just being one more juggling act for you, not to mention that when you come home, you'd still be coming home to the same issues and it would probably make you even more lonely.
    Do you think your husband could be doing drugs? Drinking? Something that would change his personally rather suddenly? You said he was never like this b4. Borderline (BPD) doesn't just appear overnight. You would have noticed something over the yrs.
    Wish I could be more help.
  6. flutterbee

    flutterbee Guest

    I'm not really thinking Borderline (BPD), but I am wondering about drinking. That could account for his change in behavior and his not being where he said he was.

    Rethink the fling. Two wrongs don't make a right and you'll be racked with guilt in any case. It's hard to rebuild trust once it's been broken.

  7. susiestar

    susiestar Roll With It

    Is it possible someone gave him a drug that caused permanent changes due to his particular body/brain chemistry? Gave him the drug with-o his knowing? This happened to an aunt's husband. Changed his personality totally and seemingly permanently.

    I just wondered about that or TIA's (transient ischemial attacks - mini-strokes I think?), simply because it a drastic change.

    Sending lots of hugs and support,