Wth happened today

[Verydistressedmomofodd]

its 3:30 am as usual and I'm awake on my phone on the couch by myself. Today was such a s&$@ storm. My son has been on a rant since lord I can't remember since we all woke up. It never ever ended until he fell asleep. This all sux and feels so blah! And miserable and time consuming for all of us. Husband for two nights now left the situation and went to bed at 8 pm again. He cannot take all the yelling and verbal abuse from oldest son. So I'm left picking up the pieces drained tires exhausted pissed off and not happy. There's a million and half things out there to help with your child if they misbehave at school but absolutely zero for when it all happens at home! It just keeps going and going. Everyone is affected my his chaos and it never ever ends. We all need a break this is so draining and depleting how will I bare another day of this in exactly 4 hours when it's morning and time to get everyone up for school work etc. I have no desire to face it again that soon. To be called an idiot liar whiny stupid!!! Every single day for 3 years straight. God I just wanna either lock myself in a room away from everything and everyone or run away. lol just keep running and don't look back I can just picture it! Never mind kids running away from home can I? Please lol not funny but gotta laugh bc I have no more room for crying.

 

[BusynMember]

How old is your son? Have you had him evaluated totally by a neuro psycologist (a psycologist with extra training in the brain and great diagnosticians) or a team of psycplogists in a childrens hospital or university hospitals. Knowing everything that is causing his behavior can really help.

Therapists and schools do not have the ability to test that intensively. I would not use their services. I'd go private and to the top professionals.

Have you called the police if he gets violent or breaks things? Have you called CPS to say you cant manage this child and do they have help? I have a friend that did both and they did get help. Last I heard their troubled son was a teen living in a residential facility, getting home visits and the family is at peace while this son is getting help, although dont know how well he is doing. But he cant be doing any worse. And he was a threat especially to his younger sister.

I cant think of any other solutions. I wish I could. But there are some dangerous minor kids. They need both out of home custodial care sometimes and mental health care. CPS sometimes pays for residential care. There are also group homes and foster care, althpugh i wouldnt do foster care. And Id get tjay evaluation. My son had a ten hour neuro psychology evaluation which showed high functionong autism.

The diagnosis lead to proper help that changed his life for the better. Before that we got wrong diagnoses and he was not helped.


Lots of love and luck for a suitable solution.

 

[ksm]

I am going thru a difficult time with my Difficult Child... I almost called the police on the weekend, when we wouldn't let her go to a friends house. (Friend was arrested this week for disorderly conduct and damaging property) and Difficult Child lost it. She stomped away, ripped a professional photo off the wall and threw it on the floor. Glass shattered. Luckily the photo of her and her sis did not get damaged.

husband played good cop to my bad cop. I know I should have called the police. If they came and didn't take her away...I was going to ask them to lock me away instead, what I wouldn't give for a small room, a cot, and peace and quiet!

I hear ya... How old is your child?

Ksm

 

[Praecepta]

You can't lock up your kid, but you sure CAN lock up your room! So do just that, lock yourself in a room and ignore him. Advise the others in your family to do the same.

Don't be afraid to call the police on him if he starts damaging things or is physically attacking someone.

 

[Wiped Out]

Sending some gentle hugs you. I know how hard this is-my son was this way for years, verbal and physical abuse. Consistency was huge as was having a great psychiatrist and great tdocs. At times I wondered if it was helping at all. Now I know it did. Please find some way to find some "me" time. It's critical. For me therapy helped as well.

 

[Percy]

You can't lock up your kid, but you sure CAN lock up your room! So do just that, lock yourself in a room and ignore him. Advise the others in your family to do the same.

Don't be afraid to call the police on him if he starts damaging things or is physically attacking someone.

To those of you who lock doors in your house -- not locking difficult child IN a room - but rather locking difficult child OUT OF a room, do you worry about locked internal doors and fire? I would like to lock difficult 17 yo son out of my home office, which connects to a bathroom which connects the master bedroom. (Old house, many windy interconnected rooms leading to rooms). But I hesitate to do so, because locking doors seems like a fire hazard to me. I have 4 other younger children; what if they need to go down a hall and get out some room I lock; what if I lock my door and then there is a fire and I can't get out or my younger kids can't get in (to then escape from master bedroom. AM I CRAZY? I would like to keep son out of some rooms, because he takes things that are not his, and it drives me crazy(!!), but I don't for the foregoing reasons.

 

[Praecepta]

Well that is a "show stopper" if the room in question is also a fire escape path. So no you would not want to lock that door.

For those doors, I would recommend an alarm which would sound each time someone opened the door. Or an alarm on the kid's door.

Also be sure to have smoke detectors inside and outside of each bedroom. As well as throughout the house, but not in kitchen. Then people have advance warning there is a fire and have time to get out.

FYI - Doors which have locks on them should be the type you can open from the inside without a key. (Fire safety again.)

 

[Percy]

Thanks Praecepta. The locked doors would not obstruct the ONLY path out, but one of several alternate paths out. But who knows which path one will need in a fire...options are good. I like the alarm on the door option - at least re my office. Thank you for this suggestion. We have smoke detectors, although not inside each bedroom...probably should do that. But we have at least 3 on each level of the house, and in the hall outside all the bedrooms. So, good but could be better. Your last comment is probably the kicker - the locks are NOT the kind you can open from the inside without a key. Key required to open from outside or inside. And the keys stick and are fiddly. 200 year old house, old doors, old locks with the big fancy brass keys.

So I think I have my answer....alarm on the door, YES; locked doors, NO. Sigh.
Thank you for helping me think through what should be obvious...but never is when it concerns difficult child.

 

[Copabanana]

But who knows which path one will need in a fire...options are good.

Percy. I think like you. I worry about fire. I worry about potential intruders, too.

What about putting a camera in your room; instead of obstructing, you would be vigilant.If your difficult child crossed the boundaries: you would deal with it.

To me this might have the result of putting the responsibility and control in your child. Knowing the limit, your child would have the choice, and the opportunity to cross it--the limit would not be external, but internal.

The other possibility might be to put an alarm and motion detector on the door/and room, and instruct all of your children to stay out. A blaring alarm would be the consequence.

Security systems have become much cheaper. I got a quote recently for a few hundred dollars of installation for a whole house and detached garage, with a monthly fee of $31.00.

I too would have trouble locking the doors of a room that was a potential means of escape, especially where there are children.

 

[BusynMember]

Is this child a minor? His age is important. Is he 8? 16? 21?

I willl assume he is under 18.

Has this child ever been evaluated? Yes, his behavior is poor but he is likely young and needs help or his future isnt going to be better than his childhood. Get him help, regardless of what you do to protect youself unless he is of legal age. Then it would be different.

 

[Verydistressedmomofodd]

Only have a minute but so blessed to have responses. Difficult child is 8. And have limited resources in my city. Past two days have been good as dad has been working when he is home with me and younger brother. I'll add more info tomorrow as I know your the go to person on here a lot. I agree with so much you've talked about on this site and glad your here. Relief just entered my mind having a second to check the site and read everyone's words of help. Thank you. Calling tomorrow to get him re evaluated by specialty practice to get appointment. If they won't take him I'm left with no option where I live. Feeling hopeless with getting him help at times. The health system is just lacking at times. Goodnight

 

[Copabanana]

Relief just entered my mind having a second to check the site and read everyone's words of help.

Most of the time when I see a post from somebody here I know cares about me, I feel happy. I just get this happy rush and feel excited, no matter what is objectively going on. I do not feel so alone.

Calling tomorrow to get him re evaluated by specialty practice to get appointment.

Excellent.

If they won't take him I'm left with no option where I live. Feeling hopeless with getting him help at times. The health system is just lacking at times.

Almost all of us have been where you are; not knowing where to turn...the fear is the worst of it for me...that there will be no solution...because my own son is an adult...and I cannot solve it for him.

Look. There are options. I know there are. First, did I mention behavioral analysis? There are specialists that will come into your home and study your child, the family interactions, the cues, the stressors. And they will develop a specific plan tailor made to address and correct the behaviors. They will train the parents.

The behavior you describe in your child is something that any professional would consider as needing diagnosis or intervention. I did not read everything (sorry, forgive me if I missed it)...any regional children's hospital will have a Child Development Program where they will do intensive testing and diagnosis to try to figure out what is going on and what intervention will be needed.

A pediatrician or child psychiatrist can refer you to a specialist that can do the behavioral analysis.

The schools have responsibility in this too, to provide a learning environment that supports your child, even non public school or residential treatment. I do not know what the school status is. My son was bullied, and his anxiety became a barrier to his success in school, so the district had to send him by taxi 45 minutes each way to a non-public school where he would not be treated with cruelty.

Sometimes our kids act out because something is going on in them, or around them that is painful and they do not understand it.

I hope you keep posting. It really helps. If you have time give us some more background, if you would. We care about you and want to be supportive and provide information as to resources and how to access it.

 

[pigless in VA]

Verydistressedmom, Have you obtained a copy of The Explosive Child? I can well remember the feeling of wanting to go spend the week-end at a retirement home. It seemed so quiet and peaceful, in stark contrast to life at home with Ferb. The day my friend gave me that book, I realized there were some more things that I could do to help regain peace in my home. Anything you can do to change the situation will empower you. I also believe that our young children who are acting out need us as the adults to take control of the situation. They are looking for someone to help them with their internal control. Setting limits helps them to cope.

 

[Verydistressedmomofodd]

How old is your son? Have you had him evaluated totally by a neuro psycologist (a psycologist with extra training in the brain and great diagnosticians) or a team of psycplogists in a childrens hospital or university hospitals. Knowing everything that is causing his behavior can really help.

Therapists and schools do not have the ability to test that intensively. I would not use their services. I'd go private and to the top professionals.

Have you called the police if he gets violent or breaks things? Have you called CPS to say you cant manage this child and do they have help? I have a friend that did both and they did get help. Last I heard their troubled son was a teen living in a residential facility, getting home visits and the family is at peace while this son is getting help, although dont know how well he is doing. But he cant be doing any worse. And he was a threat especially to his younger sister.

I cant think of any other solutions. I wish I could. But there are some dangerous minor kids. They need both out of home custodial care sometimes and mental health care. CPS sometimes pays for residential care. There are also group homes and foster care, althpugh i wouldnt do foster care. And Id get tjay evaluation. My son had a ten hour neuro psychology evaluation which showed high functionong autism.

The diagnosis lead to proper help that changed his life for the better. Before that we got wrong diagnoses and he was not helped.


Lots of love and luck for a suitable solution.

Good afternoon!
I was able to make the appointment to get him evaluated at a female dr who runs an office for neurological testing. Cps was a pain. His last therapist called cps on us because of my son telling them his dad/my husband shoved him. I of course knew of this situation but hoped that being honest was ok and a safe place to say everything. I went to her for help in regards of what to do bc I knew things were getting bad between them. And I needed answers on what parents can do when their 8 year old son pushes swings to hit at us kicks holes in walls and doors threatens us. I told her pls help he gets more physical with us and we would like ways to diffuse the situation in a healthy non physical way. But that happened a month ago along with the house check from cps. Whom we never heard back from after seeing boys and home was more than safe clean and great. I haven't found another therapist and feel hesitant towards taking him ever again now. I know if I don't figure this stuff out now I'm doomed. Two year old is finishing his nap and fixing to pick up 8 yr from school. Fingers crossed he doesn't melt down today. Bye hope your well

 

[BusynMember]

They are mandated reporters. That means they have to call cps if there is physical abuse by an adult. Im sure many of us think that was not so bad that cps needed calling, but there are rules. Teachers are also mandated reporters. Obviously cps was not concerned. I personally would not withhold mental healthcare from my child due to fear of cps. Its too important. With difficult kids cps is bound to get involved, whether its school, a coach, a neighbor, a passer by who sees him scream and blames you etc. Most cps workers are not interested in removing kids.

I am really sorry this happened to you. I have had it happen to me with my autistic son when he was little.