You don't know what it's like to be me

Discussion in 'General Parenting' started by TerryJ2, Aug 28, 2008.

  1. TerryJ2

    TerryJ2 Well-Known Member

    difficult child was horrid last night. Didn't want to go to bed at 9, pushed it to 9:30, finally lights out, sort of, at 10. Threw a fit when I took away the DVD player, which he isn't supposed to have in his room at night. husband and I both went to bed and difficult child still had the light on, reading. Heard him throwing things for a good 45 min. afterward.
    This a.m. he wouldn't take his pill, wouldn't get up. husband got into it with-him. It got so loud and violent that I called the police. Then I sweated it out, knowing husband would be upset because he always thinks he can handle it all.
    I walked into the kitchen and husband is looking through the ph bk blue pps for police. Whoa.
    I told him I already called. He thanked me!!!!! :surprise:
    After a whole night and whole morning, even husband gets worn down. :D
    He told difficult child that the police were on their way and difficult child immediately took his pill. ;)
    I cancelled the call. (They took over 20 min anyway, and I know part of the reason is that they have to find just the right people for an 11-yr-old aspie domestic (I'm sticking to that aspie idea for now). The 911 lady was really nice and said, "Are you SURE you want to cancel?" I told her yes, he'd taken his medications. She heard me ask husband, too.)

    During this entire rage thing, difficult child was shouting in husband's face in this hoarse, horror movie voice that he gets, and he said, "You don't know what it's like to be me! (Holding his head like it's going to explode) I can't help it!"

    I thought that was very significant. Afterward, he calmed down (he went after husband, who tripped him, and difficult child fell and was crying, which always changes his state and he tends to calm down) and he insisted he could manage his anger, he just needed time.
    They're on their way to school now. I emailed the teacher to say he hadn't had any sleep, but not to cut him any slack. I gave her my cell ph.

    What a morning! I'm going for a walk with-a friend. In the rain. I don't care if it's a hurricane out there. (He's former military. He doesn't care if it's a hurricane either. :) )
  2. Andy

    Andy Active Member

    I am so sorry. Let difficult child know that you agree that you don't know what it is like to be him but are trying very hard to help him. That the medication is one way you are trying to help. Are you able to take him to lunch today? That may help get his spirits up. Tell him you are sorry that the morning went so terrible and that you know he doesn't like it anymore than you and husband do, is there some way you both can work on making the mornings easier?

    Keep assuring difficult child that you are working hard to help him but he is now old enough to help in the battle and you need his cooperation to help him through it.

    How did his day go?
  3. LittleDudesMom

    LittleDudesMom Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Sounds like a horrid evening and an even worse morning. I would have been petrified to send difficult child to school after all that!

    Enjoy your walk, clear your head. With a comment like that from difficult child, it's no wonder that we flip flop as parents of difficult children - on the one hand we are fed up and exhausted, and on the other hand, we sympathize with their inability to deal with their disabilities.

  4. Sara PA

    Sara PA New Member

    Does this happen often? It sounds like stimulant rebound.

    Seems logical that if a person can't sleep at night, he wouldn't want to get up in the morning.
  5. crazymama30

    crazymama30 Active Member

    If I were you, I would hide from the phone. When my difficult child's day starts that way, it gets worse. Good luck, and enjoy your walk. You need it.
  6. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    I would ask him (and I'm not kidding) "Do you hear any voices in your head?" The reason I say that is holding his head...seems like he feels about to explode and maybe wants to purge something from his brain and he seems so out of control, poor little guy. As awful as he is, maybe he is hearing things that aren't there. There are such thing as "command hallucinations" that tell you what to do and they are powerful. Not at all suggesting that he actually has them, but I think it's worth asking the question. Or you could be more subtle and say, "Is there a reason you do things that get you into trouble?" Kids do NOT like to talk about hallucinations and often don't do it. Has he ever said he had an imaginery friend? While that can be normal development sometimes, with OUR kids, it can mean he actually is seeing/hearing things that are not there. I think he could well be part Aspie, but in my layperson mom's opinion more is going on with him than just that. Aspies are not necessarily violent. Many are very mellow and laid back. Of course, a child can have two things at one time. That's unfortunately very common. (((Hugs))) I know just how hard you are trying. Also, agree with Sara that maybe the stims are way bad for him--they can cause hallucinations on their own or trigger them if he has an undiagnosed mental illness.
  7. ML

    ML Guest

    The Manster said the same thing the other morning when we fought about him not being able to play "hooky". This is something I let him do once or twice a year at most, but never in the second week of school. Through streams of tears and lists of reasons why he hates school (he actually doesn't most of the time) he said "you don't know what it's like for me". It broke my heart. I still think I was right to choose tough love and made him go to school for fear of starting precedents that would only spur on more morning meltdowns.

    I hope it's ok to to say something funny here, as I know there is nothing funny about your situation, but Danster did something during his meltdown that made me laugh. He held a miniature bat next to his head, and staged a little drama that he was smacking his head (he barely touched it). He told me that he was trying to give himself amnesia to forget about me (I'm so mean) but that it wasn't working.


  8. nvts

    nvts Active Member

    That's pretty funny Michele!

    I'd take a look at the stims Terry. We were going through the identical thing with difficult child 1 and FINALLY talked the doctor. into trialing him off the Concerta. He's a different kid. He's got a low frustration level, but the explosiveness of the outbursts in gone. When he does get angry, he can disengage much faster than he ever has in his life.

    While we did the Abilify for a two month period at varying doses, but he asked us (as did his school) to try no medications whatsoever. Since it was summer, we gave him an ok on it, talked to the psychiatrist, she was leery but ok'd it. We explained to him that there was no shame in medications, that it corrects the chemicals in his body that might not be "equalized", so if this didn't work this time, we'd go back to the medications. He was cool with it.

    Well, we're in week 3 of no medications and again, while he still has a quick temper, it's not explosive, violent or abusive (mostly "shut ups" at his brother and sister - and honestly, I'm embarrassed to say, I want to tell his sister to shut up most of the time too!).

    Holding you high in my thoughts! :D

  9. Josie

    Josie Active Member

    Is he worse now that he is supposed to be on a strict girlfriend diet? Is he getting gluten somewhere? I think my difficult child is much worse than she used to be when she has gluten now. It only takes a little, like something that says it may contain traces.

    Maybe he needs to be strict about milk, too, if he isn't. My daughter had some episodes we thought were gluten in the beginning, but it turned out she had to give up milk, too.

    There is a huge learning curve for the gluten free diet so it is very possible there are gluten mistakes happening that could explain this. He might even be noticing the difference so that is why he wonders if he is bipolar and feels you don't understand what it is like. The first time I had a big gluten accident, I felt like I had bipolar.

    husband doesn't believe me about the traces of gluten causing huge behaviour issues, but I have experienced it in myself. I am not just going by watching my difficult child. I know it sounds hard to believe. I am still optimistic that a lot of his mood problems will go away if he stays strict about his diet.

    Maybe he doesn't need his medicine now that he is on this diet? If it is one that can just be stopped, has he tried to go without them?
  10. TerryJ2

    TerryJ2 Well-Known Member

    Thank you all. LOL about staying away from the ph. When I got back in my car, I checked my cell--no msgs. I rolled down the window and shouted to my friend in his car--"No msgs!!! Yaaay!"

    But then the cell ph rang b4 I got home.
    It was easy child, in tears. She was so upset about this a.m. that she went to the guidance counselor at school. Told her everything. Guidance counselor knows our therapist and said she was mad at him for not referring us out earlier. IHO, she thinks difficult child needs a 72-hr-in-hospital psychiatric evaluation.
    easy child made an appointment to see our childpsych at 1:30 today. She is going to recap everything that has happened with-difficult child for the past several yrs and tell the dr we cannot live like this.
    She is the voice of reason. He will listen to her. Everyone adores her. Suddenly, she is my advocate! (And difficult child's advocate, too.)

    I got an email from difficult child's teacher. She said he is focused and doing fine, and thanked me for the heads-up.

    I like the stimulant rebound idea. But how do we live through the evenings when he is worst? Arrrrgh. He takes the stims for OUR sanity as much as his own.

    I'll check out that web link.

    Thank you all.
  11. nvts

    nvts Active Member

    Hi! We had the same thing in the evenings. If you think about it, the stims were slowing him down, but making him mean. Once he balanced out, our evenings are actually a joy.

    He actually goes to bed and settles down and is dead to the world by 8:30/9:00! He's tired at the end of the day...never IN MY LIFE thought those words would come from my mouth!

    I'm just thinking with your sense of misdiagnosis (the Aspie Incling!), that yours could be in the same sitch as ours was. ADHD and ODD rather than Aspie manifesting with ADHD and ODD.

    Still high on my list o' prayers! ;)

  12. trinityroyal

    trinityroyal Well-Known Member

    Terry, I too would definitely recommend trialing your difficult child without the stims. We weaned difficult child off stims over the winter and it has made a world of difference for him. He can still be oppositional, mouthy, grandiose and all those other things, but the violence and the once they really get going they just can't shut off until they hurt someone or all gone.

    He's on Seroquel SR, and is just starting Strattera to try and deal with some of the ADHD issues.

    been there done that. Sending hugs.

  13. Nomad

    Nomad Guest

    Our easy child son suffered greatly due to all of this. Someone in my situation suggested I take him to a therapist and I did not do this simply because he seemed to be doing so well. HUGE MISTAKE. He was hiding much. It took lots to find out the toll. He eventually got therapy and is doing well today (thank goodness). In addition, I have another friend who was conflicted about college due to adult type probleems at home. They need to feel secure and should not have to deal with these types of tremendous burdens and resonsibilities. Since it is impossible for these older teens not to see what is going on, they should have access to tremendous support and this usually means therapy.