Steely, I used to do volunteer work as a telephone counsellor. There were a number of us, all trained together. We used to meet to debrief about once a month and I remember we often discussed how to handle someone who rang up and said, "I've just taken a load of pills, I don't want you to talk me out of it, I just don't want to be alone. Please be on the other end of the phone for me."
I did have a couple of calls which came close to this but fortunately, they HAD called because they DID want to be given some hope and I was able to give them some things to think about.
But we were taught, and after discussion we realised - sometimes, despite anything we think we could do or say, a person decides that death is their only way out. This is a personal decision and not something they are necessarily doing to hurt other people. In near miss cases the person who tried to commit suicide often is surprised that family and friends are feeling personally responsible, or berating themselves for not seeing it coming in order to prevent.
And this may not have been suicide. There are so many possibilities, including accident. She may have fainted, or fallen, and not even been conscious when she drowned. We just don't know. But one thing I do know, from everything you've told us - you were close, you and she loved each other, she would not have wanted you to feel hurt or personally responsible in any way. The way you feel now - she didn't want this for you. She never would have.
She isn't here now. You are. From here on, you have not only your life to live, but you need to make it a good one for her a well. You have your memories of your life together, your relationship, she is a big part of who you are now. So live to the full, try to find the enjoyment in life and be the strong person you felt you were when she was there for you in person.
This is the hardest time - grief really slows us down. But it is something you need to work through in your own time. Support helps, I'm glad you're getting counselling. A group might be a good idea, it can help keep your own grief in perspective and to also see the stages others are going through, as a forecast for yourself in what to expect.
Also - never compare. Do not say to yourself, "My grief is as deep as the ocean, that person over there only lost a cousin." Nor should you say, "I only lost a sister, that person has lost everyone in their entire family, under atrocious circumstances. I shouldn't be feeling grief while he is suffering so much more."
We should never compare. Grief is deeply personal and you just don't know if you would cope better or worse, if you swapped places with someone. The most you can say is, "We're both grieving. Let's help each other."
That's why you should never feel guilty for posting as much as you feel you are. We all go through crises when maybe we post more than at other times.
And that's how it should be, because in our good times we're there to support everyone else.
Marg