These days in our area, most people parked in disabled spots do have their permit up. I rarely see someone apparently able-bodied using a permit but I also try to remember that not all physical disabilities are immediately obvious. husband can LOOK perfectly physically capable but although he doesn't have a permit, probably would qualify. His lifestyle means he has little need of one except for the times when he's not at work. And at those times I'm usually with him so we get to use MY permit. He says he doesn't like going back to the car on his own to load shopping or to move the car (to come get me from wherever I've walked to) because people WILL speak to him. If they do he explains that I am the person for whom the permit has been issued and I am also with him, he's just helping me out.
Or it mightn't be me, it could be mother in law. But the photo of the disabled person is available to be produced and shown at any time (it is hidden at the back of the permit) so if a parking inspector challenges you for using a disabled permit, you have to produce it and verify your identity. It means that if husband is driving his mother around in our car, he has to make sure it's mother in law's permit and not mine that he has up.
As for people being nice - they generally are, here in Australia. But occasionally you find a real ratbag who can be very rude. I will speak up, I try to be polite, I will not swear at someone but I will chide them for swearing at me especially if I have difficult child 3 with me (or another child).
Another important point - disabled people often HAVE to seem independent. There are many reasons:
1) If you accept favours, then you are beholden to someone. You owe them a favour (or it could be seen that way). And sometimes you're not in a position to return a favour and that can be awkward.
2) If you accept favours for what you CAN do, you devalue your own efforts. You also lose a fragment of your hard-won independence. You begin to feel less capable, less strong. And sometimes we need every bit of out intestinal fortitude (aka "guts") to keep doing what we do.
3) Sometimes we have developed our own way of doing things, our own methods. I see it constantly - a doctor wants to examine me so I get up onto the couch. The doctor then tries to help me down - but seriously mate, you try to help me and we'll both end up on the floor. Much better to let me do it in my own way - I've got it down to a fine art.
Similarly, someone holding out a hand to help me down a rough bit of ground or some steps - thank you, but no. Your hand is not stable enough for me and it will not support my entire weight. I need to lean on something rigid like a stair rail or a walking stick. Or my crutches. if you REALLY want to help and nothing rigid is available, then let me lean on your shoulder. It is attached to your spine more closely ands that CAN bear my weight and will move less.
In the time it takes me to explain all this, it's quicker to say, "Thank you, but I need something more rigid. I have to do this myself." I know I have put some people off but when they get to know me, they do understand better.
We have our own way of doing things. Some disabled people will use you for everything possible and never say thank you (I have a friend like this). She has never learned these manners and would probably find them a drain, as she would ALWAYS be saying "thank you" and dragging herself down into a sense of helplessness every time. It is how she was raised, how she has lived. Life has been rough for her. Like a lot of disabled people, she was in a relationship with a man who sought out helpless people because they are easier to control physically and to abuse. Amazingly she isn't immediately suspicious of people; but a lot of her friends are.
All I can suggest, when offering to help someone with a disability, is to at first only offer to help as much as you would hep someone able-bodied, if it is a situation where nothing is out of the ordinary (opening doors, for example). Chances are in a commonplace situation, the disabled person has worked out their own very effective way of doing it (for example, I use the end of my crutch to prop the door. That way I'm actually BETTER equipped than most able-bodied people to hold open a door. The rubber stopper on my crutch grips the floor and the door really effectively AND I can stand back to let people through. So please, let me help YOU).
It is in an unusual situation that your help may be needed - a disabled person who drops their parcels, for example. You would help anybody, wouldn't you? Or trying to reach for something on the top shelf.
Jo, the person you're trying to help may simply have a chip on her shoulder where her own independence has a very high value. Let her see you offering to help able-bodied people, to make it clear to her that you are not extending her any special favours. It can take years to accept your own disability. Sometimes never. Every offer of help can be a reminder of your own frailty, which for a person previously active and independent, can be very painful.
If she were an Aussie I'd tell you to be rude to her with a smile on your face - tell her she's big and ugly enough to look after herself and you as well. Or next time she's stranded, tell her to get a long extension lead for her scooter and drive herself home. To billy-oh with the bus. Maybe she could offer to give the bus a tow when it breaks down next time?
But in your area - I don't know.
I am often out on my scooter at night, and meet some of the local thugs and ratbags. It can be scary. But if I show fear I am done. So I meet them with good humour and friendliness but keep moving. Once night I heard them in the trees in the park and a girl shouted, "Look at that! let's get it! I want a ride!"
As they came running over to me (much faster than my scooter can go) I stopped and waited, called out, "G'day!" and added, "You can get these things fairly readily. But I really don't think you'd want the disability that goes along with it!"
By making a joke out of it, I allowed the person who said, "Let's get it! I want one!" a chance to save face, so they didn't try to take the scooter from me but allowed me to go on my way. It also reminded them that I AM disabled and to beat me up would be no glory. By being friendly and polite, I was treating them with respect, which was unusual for them and which they valued (maybe not consciously). And now whenever I'm out and about, I get young kids, teens and young adults I don't recognise (because it was dark) calling out "G'day!"
I know some of them have beaten up friends of mine, but I don't know who. I will support my friends and help gather evidence where I can, but I also will protect myself when I have to. When you're disabled you can feel very vulnerable. It's not a nice feeling, so we do our best to try to FEEL and SEM independent and strong. Some of us are better actors.
Marg