13 yo physically violent with me, siblings

[ums]

My 13 year old son has become increasingly physically violent with me. In the past year, he has broken my nose, put numerous holes in walls, punched and threatened his younger siblings, and just recently he broke his arm when he hit me.

I think a lot of his violence stems from anxiety.... his relationship with his father (who was very punitive, but only crossed the line of abuse once or twice... we are separated and he wants no contact with the kids)...and..... not sure what else. I was cleaning out my bookshelves and it helped me to realize just how long we've been dealing with this. I've been buying books on ODD, troubled kids, etc. for probably 10 years now.

He is in therapy right now and we are waiting to see a psychiatrist in January for possible medications.

Therapist says next time he loses control, we give him 5 minutes to calm down and then call 911 for them to take him to the ER. Scared about doing that.... both for what the future holds, insurance costs (I have no cap, 30% of all bills), etc.

Any advice, been there done that, etc. most appreciated.

 

[Crayola13]

I would call the police, like the therapist says. I don't think it will go on his record. As for the hospital bill, maybe the police could take him to a juvenile detention center instead of the ER. If he needs to be hospitalized and insurance only covers a certain amount, negotiate the best you can with the hospital and make your son work off some of the debt. If you think he's going to harm the other children, maybe a detention center is where he should be.

 

[BusynMember]

Call the police.

I have very tight finances myself. Maybe send him to a county mental health centee.bi dont think it's ever smart to put yourself in debt. There is no guarantee that a hospital one time will do the trick. In fact, as a former mental health patient in the days when you stayed until you got better, I see now that they rarely keep anyone long enough to really help and your bill will be high. Not everyone can do it.

Hospitals are expensive. And your son isn't3 old enough to get a job to pay you back. I don't think kids pay us back for being sick so all the debt will be on you. Can you afford it? It's okay if you can't. I know you are a single mom.

Do only what you can afford. I would not rush him into juvenile. He will be with seriously dangerous kids if he goes there. It's your call.

When I called the cops on my fifteen year old for drugs, it did not go on any permanent record because she is a minor.

If he continues being violent, for your sake and those of his siblings, he may need to live in a residential treatment center. Some are state run. Your other kids need to be safe and residential treatment can house and feed your son as well as providing school and various levels of therapy.

I am sorry for your heartache. I hope you can do something positive, sooner rather than later.

 

[ums]

Thanks everybody.

 

[JRC]

How heartbreaking. I'm so sorry. No parent wants to be put in the position of having to call the police on their child. I would make sure there are no guns in the house, and, if possible, put the knives in a place where he won't be able to quickly find them. xo

 

[Go slow mama]

Thank you for your honest sharing of what is so very personal and hard to contend with.

I cringed when I read your words, I relate, yes, been there and done that. My son has been violent with me, destructive in the home. It was terrifying, it felt like the bottom was falling out. It got ugly. I agree with folks who say to call the police, I did, many times, but not every time. I think the idea of gauging it and learning de-escalation techniques helps and offers a less intrusive reaction as an option. You sound like you are someone who is very attendant and in the game.

Trust your instincts, if you feel physically unsafe you need outside intervention. Unfortunately this is really only the police. Where I live they have mental health social workers who get dispatched when the call relates to a mentally disturbed person. It's the actual monicker the police use, so now I know that if I have to call, I use that term and I get a social worker. See if there are options like this, it helps to diversify the response team. I would also encourage you to document, if you are not already. Do you get any respite? This is so important. I had no respite and it only made us both tired and the aggression worsened.

Oh! I can say that this behaviour did stop altogether, no physical aggression in our home for years now, but it morphed.

I am wishing you courage, love and conviction.

 

[steve2389]

My 13 year old son has become increasingly physically violent with me. In the past year, he has broken my nose, put numerous holes in walls, punched and threatened his younger siblings, and just recently he broke his arm when he hit me.

I think a lot of his violence stems from anxiety.... his relationship with his father (who was very punitive, but only crossed the line of abuse once or twice... we are separated and he wants no contact with the kids)...and..... not sure what else. I was cleaning out my bookshelves and it helped me to realize just how long we've been dealing with this. I've been buying books on ODD, troubled kids, etc. for probably 10 years now.

He is in therapy right now and we are waiting to see a psychiatrist in January for possible medications.

Therapist says next time he loses control, we give him 5 minutes to calm down and then call 911 for them to take him to the ER. Scared about doing that.... both for what the future holds, insurance costs (I have no cap, 30% of all bills), etc.

Any advice, been there done that, etc. most appreciated.

I know it can be hard to share things like this (I just did), and I truly wish nothing but the best for you and your family. I was recently picked up and thrown down by my 14 yo step daughter and it completely frightened me, still does. I don't have any broken bones, just some bruises, but worry about what could happen next.

I agree with the others to follow the therapist's instructions and call the police if something happens again. I just purchased hidden cameras to put in my house in case I need to prove to someone that I was abused.

Please feel free to contact me if you would like to discuss further.

Thanks,

Steve

 

[dayatatime]

Been there done that.

First thing- you can call the police for an intervention without having them take him to the ER or detention. They were often here, then I told them that I didn't want him charged or taken to the hospital (though I have also gone both of those routes, too). I did alway make them fill out a domestic incident report, so the whole thing was documented. Later, when I ended up needing to prove things to qualify for this and that or intervention or whatever the paper trail was crucial.

We had various free social service programs over the years- MSWs who came to the house, case management... Where I live you access those services through the family courts, more or less. But you don't have to go to family court to get to them.

I know that in some places you can get Medicad for kids with emotional problems- then all of his bills will be covered in full. Someone here must know about that. Getting to resources like that tend to require paper trails like filling out the domestic incident reports.

 

[steve2389]

My 13 year old son has become increasingly physically violent with me. In the past year, he has broken my nose, put numerous holes in walls, punched and threatened his younger siblings, and just recently he broke his arm when he hit me.

I think a lot of his violence stems from anxiety.... his relationship with his father (who was very punitive, but only crossed the line of abuse once or twice... we are separated and he wants no contact with the kids)...and..... not sure what else. I was cleaning out my bookshelves and it helped me to realize just how long we've been dealing with this. I've been buying books on ODD, troubled kids, etc. for probably 10 years now.

He is in therapy right now and we are waiting to see a psychiatrist in January for possible medications.

Therapist says next time he loses control, we give him 5 minutes to calm down and then call 911 for them to take him to the ER. Scared about doing that.... both for what the future holds, insurance costs (I have no cap, 30% of all bills), etc.

Any advice, been there done that, etc. most appreciated.

Hi, hows everything going? I was just checking in to see if there were any improvements. Always feel free to reach out on here for help.

 

[HMBgal]

I'm following this thread, too, because dear grandson is 105 lbs now and I weigh 120. And when he rages, he's really starting to be scary. It's isn't as often, but it's more destructive for sure. And I'm scared to death to call the police because of things that have happened in our community. I don't feel safe calling them, and I don't feel safe with my grandson when he rages. Bad place to be. I'm dreading the teen years. I'm too old for this you-know-what.

 

[susiestar]

I know this is hard, but have you thought that maybe he is just too much for you? Maybe he needs to be in a placement somewhere? I can tell you how I found one. It was a lot of work, and I sacrificed my pride. Lots of people saw it as begging, but it was at a point where I thought my son was going to end up killing my daughter, so I couldn't care less about my pride or what anyone thought. If you want to know, I will send a private message with how I managed it. We ended up having him stay with my parents, but that was at my parents' request, NOT at mine. It worked out very well, but was not what I wanted for their retirement. But it was not my retirement to make choices for. Let me know.

 

[HMBgal]

I'm not at that point yet. And I don't think grandson is at that point, although I do think that he will hurt someone when he's in a rage and picks up the first thing at hand and throws it as hard as he can. He's been suspended from school twice this year for pushing over a desk and screaming at his aide and teacher. Right now, it's property damage. But we do feel like we're walking on eggshells waiting for the next blow-up, and it doesn't take much. He has gotten better at holding back on attacking us and resorts to screaming horrible things in the most piercing, loud voice imaginable while his face and eyes are literally red and his face wet with tears. In between, he's so sweet, genuinely remorseful, says he hates himself, doesn't understand why he's the way he is, is very hopeless about his future, etc. It's heartbreaking. And yes, there are times when I feel like it's too much, it's unfair to my husband and myself, and to grandson himself. Despite every best effort, I'm fighting against insurance companies, etc. to get him the help he needs. I've given up on getting my daughter the help she needs. She's 40. I've bailed her out too many times as it is. My focus is on getting her children raised in some sort of healthy way. I was tossed into foster care through no fault of my own at 11, my son was killed in a car crash when he was 17. I can't lose my grandson, who I love so much, too. The time may come when I have to make some very tough choices, but I'm not there yet. Sorry for the vent. It's my only really safe space to do so.