F
Frazzledmom
Guest
Hi everyone, I've been a lurker on this list for many years. Until about two months ago I always felt that I was "lucky" enough to have only moderate behavior issues with my son (15) rather than the severe ones I read about on this list. (Although I now realize that I may have been in denial about the seriousness of the behaviors.) It was silly because I guess I never felt like I could give back enough to you warrior parents although I have learned so much from you over the years. Here's my story, as short as I can make it.
"Skater" was adopted at birth, I was there. From the time he was born he was challenging, didn't sleep until he was six or so. He was a very happy guy and reached all milestones at the appropriate times. It was the rages that were tough. Middle of the night, during the day, always at home, very violent and angry. He was evaluated in the third grade (neuropsychologist) and they really came up with nothing other than anxiety but we always lived on eggshells waiting for the next rage. Thank goodness for Ross Greene. His last one was when he was 12, the summer between 6th grade and middle school. Based on what I had learned on this list, it was violent enough, and he threatened to hurt himself that we had him transported to the hospital by the police. They really did nothing but that seemed to stop the rages - he hasn't had one since. He made it through middle school and his first year of high school. He plays trumpet, got good grades and had great success in x-country running last year. His passion is skateboarding. His peer group has always been high achievers, he is well-liked and has many friends.
All this began to change last summer. As he became more independent he resisted any efforts from us to know where he was and who he was with. If we've done anything wrong, it's probably that we've been far too lenient - as we've avoided the rages we've also avoided control. Our therapist agrees that there's not much else we could have done but still... Anyway, this summer he left home for three days. He would tell you that he was out on his own, proving that he could do it but in reality he stayed with very nice families. Moms took care of him, fed him and bought him toothbrushes. It was the beginning of an identity crisis for him I think, he is Hispanic and we live in a very white, rural community. It began to come out that he doesn't feel at all part of our family. We have been very open about his adoption but I will say that he has never said a "feeling" word in his life so we were never able to explore that part of his life much. He has never asked questions about his birthfamily although we would have been happy to tell him. We had a bit of a breakthrough with him after three days away and he came home.
He started off the 10th grade well and continued that way until the end of October although he didn't run x-country this year. He's always wanted to be a professional skateboarder and that wish has intensified and is really ruling his life right now. Beginning in Nov. he decided that "he wasn't a school kid" and he was done with school. He is angry that we won't send him to an online high school in CA for skateboarders and has done little work. He is failing most subjects. He is planning to drop out of school next year. In reality, he is a very good skater but he has not quite proven himself in that world. He has placed 4th in one competition in VT. (Out of 15 skaters.) We have told him that if he stays in school and lives at home he can go to another competition in FL in April and that's where we are.
His dad and I are hanging on by our fingernails, barely. Our therapist is wonderful for us but there really have been no changes to his behavior, he won't go to therapy. He is emotionally abusive to his brother (the little guy is overweight and Skater is relentless) and he feels he is responsible to no one but himself. The night before Thanksgiving he threatened to run away again, we thought he did and called the police, he returned when they were here. Not pretty.
He walks a fine line. Most of the time he is where he is supposed to be and is pathologically honest about telling us where and what he is doing. Tonight, we offered to really focus on his skating and bring him an hour to an indoor skate park at least four times a week if he would work on his grades. His response was that he didn't want us to waste the gas. It ended with him taking his bike to ride eight miles into town to a movie in 20 degree weather. We have told him that to live here he needs to either get a job or stay in school. He is completely unrealistic about what life will be like without our support. This whole thing has taken a toll on my health and we all feel like we're living in a war zone. My heart is breaking but I am beginning to feel like drastic natural consequences have to happen and we need to let them. It's very possible that drugs are involved but he has no money and so far, we haven't caught him and frankly we're not sure what we'd do.
Thanks for reading. There is so much more to say but I will stop and save more for later. I will try to respond as much as I can. I am hoping that your wisdom will help me stay sane but will also help to figure out steps we can take to not feel like we are being held hostage by a 15 year old. Here's hoping that we all get through this in one piece. I am glad you are all here. -Lynn
"Skater" was adopted at birth, I was there. From the time he was born he was challenging, didn't sleep until he was six or so. He was a very happy guy and reached all milestones at the appropriate times. It was the rages that were tough. Middle of the night, during the day, always at home, very violent and angry. He was evaluated in the third grade (neuropsychologist) and they really came up with nothing other than anxiety but we always lived on eggshells waiting for the next rage. Thank goodness for Ross Greene. His last one was when he was 12, the summer between 6th grade and middle school. Based on what I had learned on this list, it was violent enough, and he threatened to hurt himself that we had him transported to the hospital by the police. They really did nothing but that seemed to stop the rages - he hasn't had one since. He made it through middle school and his first year of high school. He plays trumpet, got good grades and had great success in x-country running last year. His passion is skateboarding. His peer group has always been high achievers, he is well-liked and has many friends.
All this began to change last summer. As he became more independent he resisted any efforts from us to know where he was and who he was with. If we've done anything wrong, it's probably that we've been far too lenient - as we've avoided the rages we've also avoided control. Our therapist agrees that there's not much else we could have done but still... Anyway, this summer he left home for three days. He would tell you that he was out on his own, proving that he could do it but in reality he stayed with very nice families. Moms took care of him, fed him and bought him toothbrushes. It was the beginning of an identity crisis for him I think, he is Hispanic and we live in a very white, rural community. It began to come out that he doesn't feel at all part of our family. We have been very open about his adoption but I will say that he has never said a "feeling" word in his life so we were never able to explore that part of his life much. He has never asked questions about his birthfamily although we would have been happy to tell him. We had a bit of a breakthrough with him after three days away and he came home.
He started off the 10th grade well and continued that way until the end of October although he didn't run x-country this year. He's always wanted to be a professional skateboarder and that wish has intensified and is really ruling his life right now. Beginning in Nov. he decided that "he wasn't a school kid" and he was done with school. He is angry that we won't send him to an online high school in CA for skateboarders and has done little work. He is failing most subjects. He is planning to drop out of school next year. In reality, he is a very good skater but he has not quite proven himself in that world. He has placed 4th in one competition in VT. (Out of 15 skaters.) We have told him that if he stays in school and lives at home he can go to another competition in FL in April and that's where we are.
His dad and I are hanging on by our fingernails, barely. Our therapist is wonderful for us but there really have been no changes to his behavior, he won't go to therapy. He is emotionally abusive to his brother (the little guy is overweight and Skater is relentless) and he feels he is responsible to no one but himself. The night before Thanksgiving he threatened to run away again, we thought he did and called the police, he returned when they were here. Not pretty.
He walks a fine line. Most of the time he is where he is supposed to be and is pathologically honest about telling us where and what he is doing. Tonight, we offered to really focus on his skating and bring him an hour to an indoor skate park at least four times a week if he would work on his grades. His response was that he didn't want us to waste the gas. It ended with him taking his bike to ride eight miles into town to a movie in 20 degree weather. We have told him that to live here he needs to either get a job or stay in school. He is completely unrealistic about what life will be like without our support. This whole thing has taken a toll on my health and we all feel like we're living in a war zone. My heart is breaking but I am beginning to feel like drastic natural consequences have to happen and we need to let them. It's very possible that drugs are involved but he has no money and so far, we haven't caught him and frankly we're not sure what we'd do.
Thanks for reading. There is so much more to say but I will stop and save more for later. I will try to respond as much as I can. I am hoping that your wisdom will help me stay sane but will also help to figure out steps we can take to not feel like we are being held hostage by a 15 year old. Here's hoping that we all get through this in one piece. I am glad you are all here. -Lynn