20 yr old son smoking pot and has cut off contact with us

Discussion in 'Substance Abuse' started by mdean61, Oct 2, 2012.

  1. mdean61

    mdean61 New Member

    Our 20yr old son has given us many years of behavior issues than have escalated. He is diagnosed with ADHD and we have tried medications, counseling, biofeedback, and lifestyle coaching with no success. Problems seemed to worsen when he went to college at 18. He did very poorly and hardly went the first year, did not go back the second year. We suspected drug use and confirmed he was smoking and selling pot at 19. He said he stopped selling- no way to confirm. He was told further drug use and he had to leave as will not tolerate in our home. He works part time at a fast food place with minimum wage and no benefits. Has not returned to school. Has gone from being social to few friends. He lies constantly, steals from us, and is verbally abusive. Takes no responsibility for his actions- always someone else's fault. He is angry, selfish and immature. He has a 17yr old girlfriend who is pregnant and due in 2 weeks- we found out the end of August. The baby has not made him step up and try to find a better job or some type of training program to get a better job or stop the drug use. We had started counseling for us as a family and for him separately but he will no longer go. 5 days ago we received notice that he had a criminal speeding ticket, charged with reckless driving and as of 10/13/12 will be dropped from our insurance. He hid this from us and it is one in a long line of traffic violations and accidents that include past totaled vehicles. My husband took the car key away as said he should not be driving as he is a danger to himself and others. Though this will make it very difficult for him to get to work as it is 12 miles away and no bus, we feel he needs to accept responsibility for the consequences that come with his actions and it is his problem to figure out how to get transportation. we then found he was smoking pot in his room. He did admit to using weed but his take is weed is no big deal, not a real drug, but did say he would leave. He did leave but his parting words were go f- yourself and he hates us. He has not spoken to us or responded to calls/texts since. I fully expect he will continue to cut us out of his life and will also cut us off for our soon to be born grandson. He is currently living with his girlfriend's family so at least we know he is safe but it doesn't force him to actually have to face what it requires to live on his own. I vary between heartbroken and angry. I constantly worry about what will happen to him and when the police will be at my door.
  2. Calamity Jane

    Calamity Jane Well-Known Member

    Hi mdean and welcome,
    First of all, I'm sorry for what you're going through, and you will find many understanding people on this board who have been there done that.

    It is clear that although your son is 20 and chronologically an adult, his pot use has stunted his maturity development, and he acts more like a stubborn, foul mouthed child than a grown man. Until he chooses to stop using pot (and any other substance he may be using) the drugs will always come first - he is living in a fantasy world and it WILL catch up with him. It is not your job nor your husband's job to interfere with the natural consequences of his actions (I know that sounds easier said than done - you are doing great so far.)

    There's nothing else you can do, but encourage and support his sobriety. If he chooses to to ignore your pleas, it is HIS choice. You can choose to keep your home a sanctuary and believe me, you will enjoy the peace in your home, although you will miss the person your son once was. Personally, if his girlfriend's parents eventually make him leave their home, I would not allow him to return to your home without giving up drugs. Otherwise, he will continue to steal from you and ruin your lives.

    I don't know if you have any other children in your home, but if so, this would not be a good environment for the child(ren). I am sorry he is responsible along with his girlfriend for bringing another child into the world who will be victimized by parental drug use. I sincerely hope he realizes his errors and makes a complete turnaround.

    Continue posting here - we're here for support. It is good to see that you and your husband are seeking counseling, too. That's extremely important.
  3. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    I'm really sorry you are going through this.

    From experience, I would bet the farm that he is doing more drugs than just pot. Kids who start to steal are usually taking the money to pay for drugs more potent and expensive than pot. Also, pot is laced with some scary stuff these days. I just know my daughter, who used drugs and quit, told me that if you use drugs, you sell them. That's just the way it is. I thought she was just smoking pot too. Boy, was I wrong!

    I t hink you are doing the right thing. My daughter got into three bad car accidents while using. After the first one, she never drove our car again, but s he got into accidents in other cars (yes, her "friends" let her drive).

    I would not expect your son to be a father to his child right now. He's actually lucky. At least in my state, if an adult (over 18) has sex with a minor (17 is still a minor here) you could be charged with rape, even though it's consensual. What kind of girl is this girlfriend? What are her plans for this baby? Are adults going to step in and raise this child?
  4. toughlovin

    toughlovin Guest

    i too am sorry you are going through this and had to find us. Your story is similar to mine, although at least so far and as far as i know I dont have an upcoming grandchild. However we have been there with the drug use and currently my son is living in another state, somewhere and maybe with someone. I really dont know. The only way I know how he is doing is through facebook. However he is at times communicating with me via facebook and I at least can send him messages that way. It is totally heartbreaking. My son has also been through a whole lot of treatment programs and rehabs and so we have been down that road a lot. He is almost 21....and I have come to the place that there really is othing more I can do except let him know that i love him, which I do.

    Early on my son was very angry with us and any communication we had was only when he wanted something and he was extremely entitled and i felt we might never have a relationship. In the last few months that has changed a bit, I am no longer trying to help him or give him any advice. He is making contact with me, now and then and i do have hope of a future relationship IF he ever gets clean.

    My suggestion to you is to keep texting your son, with very simple messages letting him know you are thinking about him but nothing more. Dont offer to help or to rescue him but do let him know you love him.

    Do you have any kind of connection to the girls mother? I am sure when that baby comes that they are going to want some kind of help.... depending on what the mother is like you might want to connect with her directly to let her know you are there for the baby. Now I also recognize that in some circumstances you might not want to do this...a lot depends on what she is like.

    Keep coming to the board for support. We all understand.

  5. Nancy

    Nancy Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Welcome to our little corner of sanity in the insane world of substance abuse. Your story is just like mine although my difficult child began smoking pot at 14. By the time she was 18 she was drinking and smoking pot 24/7, was suspended from her first semester in college and in a substance abuse treatment venter and sober house for the next 8 months. She too left out home with the exact same parting words your son used on you. She was a very angry young lady because it became clear to her that we would no longer allow her drug use in our home and her free ride was over.

    I don't know what will happen with your son, he may continue with his drug use and it may escalate and consequences may catch up with him. Or he may outgrow it and finally have to take responsibility for his child. Either way my suggestion is for you to keep the path of communication open, let him know you love him and are worried about him, and that you are there to help him when he decides to get help. In the meantime it would be good if you could find a parent support group in your area. Families Anonymous is a great support.

  6. mdean61

    mdean61 New Member

    It's been over a week and the first contact from him was a text asking me if I wanted to go shopping with he and the girlfriend. No apology, no trying to discuss currents. Told him we would need to talk about the current issues first. Of course no reply back. The girlfriend lives with her mom, 10yr old brother, and her grandparents who are the main supporters. The mom is 35- had the girlfriend of my son when she was 17. She is bipolar and not on medications. She called me last week to find out the actual reason our son was told to leave. True to his nature, he only said it was over the ticket issue and no mention of the drug use. I did give her the facts and also sent a text to the grandmother with the same. Not sure that was the best way to handle it but either way, no reply back from grandmother. Per the mother, my son did not attend his court mandated traffic school because it cost 280 and he didn't have it. But he had money to buy a smart phone 2 days earlier and obviously can afford drugs so it's all about what is the priority to him. Hope the smart phone comes in handy when he has to call someone from jail after he gets picked up for the bench warrant that will be issued as he hasn't attended the class. We have another 16yr old son who is no problem at all, does well in school, and seems very well adjusted despite all the chaos and turmoil his older brother has brought into the house. At this point, I actually dread the thought of my older son coming home. I am thinking his welcome at the girlfriend's house is becoming short lived but I have to admit I don't want him here. I know at 20, I don't have to have him back in our home but the mom part of me feels guilty letting him be homeless even though his actions have caused his own problems.
  7. toughlovin

    toughlovin Guest

    Ok these are my thoughts having been in the same situation...and with my son now lliving on the streets having left his latest treatment program....first i think you did fine talking to the other mom. I am glad she contacted you and giving her the facts was the right thing to do in my opinion.

    Reality is your son probably wanted you to go shopping so you could pay for purchases, which is where their heads are at. It hurts when they just stay in touch because they want or need something.

    That said i still recommend you try to keep the doors open....and dont make it contingent on talking about issues because he may not want or be ready to do that, and that requriement will just put up barriers. So next time he texts ( or you might want to initiate) a suggestion to go out for coffee or a meal. Not shopping but buying him a meal always felt ok to me.

  8. mdean61

    mdean61 New Member

    I appreciate all the support. My son came home for 15 minutes today. Said he was sorry for what he said and how he left. When we asked about the drug use, it went downhill. He again says how mj is not a drug, he intends to keep using, doesn't see any issue with the fact he is having a kid, and that "we better get used to it". Told him he has to be clean to live at home. He told us the girlfriend's grandparents who own the home told him to leave last night and that he had to apologize to us and work things out. He says he stayed as someone else's house and some girl that he said he just met drove him to our house. He packed a few items of clothing, flipped us off, and left. I feel he only came home for clothing and to be able to tell the girlfriend's parents that he tried to apologize. The girl out front had the car motor running so he had no intentions of staying to talk. I feel it won't be long until he's homeless and out of a job. I did text him and admit I tried emotional blackmail by saying drugs have no place in his son's life and make the changes needed to have a good life for the both of them. He replied that it was pointless to have come home. I did text back that we love him and will no matter what but needs to be clean to come home, all other issues can be worked out. No reply. I guess he hasn't hit rock bottom. I am just scared at what that bottom will be.