8 weeks ago she was my daughter...I feel like I dont know her now

Discussion in 'Substance Abuse' started by MommaMella, Jan 8, 2017.

  1. MommaMella

    MommaMella New Member

    hi, New here...really need support.

    Our middle child 15 yo has transformed into a nightmare in 8 weeks... Started at a new school. Ok at first..then started to express severe anxiety over school, depression - struggled in class... Thought she had found good friends - but turns out they are not that good really - drinking, drugs....especially the Demon senior kid who decided to be interested in her that turns out to have a prescription drug habit and Kurt Cobain/Columbine obsession. Expected better from Choir/Theater kids! Ha! Discovered all this by catching her sneaking prescription medications out of our room... so then she threatened suicide. Said she stole pills to ease depression - (old pain pills from sisters wisdom tooth extraction and my knee surgery. So naive...Never even thought to lock them up. We were blindsided. We felt so responsible.) psychiatric Hospital for 4 days..diagnosed anxiety disorder and major depression with suicidal ideation...prescribed Lexapro - also found out she was cutting....released to Partial inpatient program for 10 days..then Intense Outpatient for 2 weeks...working on coping skills for anxiety/depression...seemed to be making progress - saying doing the right things....then she got caught drinking / drugs again...and when she was told she'd be grounded - lose priviledges - she threatened suicide again...in psychiatric hospital again for 4 days...Increased Lexapro...Got her home and all on her own she broke down about Demon boyfriend and his abuse toward her, mental and physical ...cried real tears of relief and wanted to be done with him...all on her own called him and broke it off...started Partial hospital program again for 10 days to get more coping / support before returning to school...did really well.. just "graduated" PHP...seemed like we had really turned a corner this time...our eldest home from college for Christmas - felt so good. Exhale. Then she asked for privileges to be restored so she could "feel normal again". She said she wanted a little social freedom "to prove to us that she could handle it"...Gave permission to go for coffee with a friend one day this week and to same friends house last night "for girl talk, and tacos and video games" Last night came home with alcohol on breath and slurring...Busted - Lies...discovered she wasnt with friend either time - so called friend just covered for her...was with Demon boy - Drugs. Drinking. Sex. Extremely inappropriate pictures of their night found on phone with a lot more evidence she is not at all who we thought she was. Lies. Lies and then More Lies. I feel so foolish.

    Hateful attitude. Obnoxious, defiant, hurtful, rude, horrible...Not my daughter - dont know this kid. HEART IS SHATTERED. feel numb.

    Have an intake appointment in the morning for new recommended outpatient therapy - for mental health and substance abuse... she is completely refusing to go. Totally Defiant. Now threatening to run-away. Dont know how we will get her in the car in the morning.

    We're so utterly exhausted....and seriously I want to run away. For real. But gotta think of my devoted and equally heartbroken Husband and our 4 other kids who need to be loved and cared for. Torn and Trapped.

    Thanks for listening. <3
  2. ksm

    ksm Well-Known Member

    I feel like we have her twin! My daughter (adopted granddaughter) had a similar off/on relationship with a real creep for over two years. She had snuck out of her room during the night, the police found her at his house when we reported her missing. Rinse/repeat... Two different times the court had a no contact order for 6 months each time.

    It seems like more professional help us being offered your daughter than we got. She also had an intake assessment, and to deflect the situation she made veiled threats of suicide. She had a 3 day stay at a place almost 200 miles away. I don't think she or us had any help from them.

    She did get a case manager that met with her, social services (CPS) got involved, but changed workers often. We found a psychologist 60 miles away that was a good fit, but still the drama kept going.

    I seriously want to lock her up at home! But she dismantled the window alarms the first month they were installed!

    Things are better...but she still struggles with anxiety and depression, and olso ODD. I believe there are attachment issues, probably caused by an addictive mom when she was an infant, and a year in foster care before she and her siblings placed with us. Then her older brother placed with his bio dad.

    Here is what we are doing now...when she goes out, she HAS to have her location finder on. We both have an app and I can see where she is. If she turns it off or says her phone is dead, she is grounded.

    I can tell you that the boy needs to be warned by you or the police. In our state I could not press charges unless my 14yo requested it and signed off on it. Even though the state law that the age for sexual consent is age 16!! We only got the 6 month no contact order because the guys probation officer made it part of his probation requirement! He did go to jail for a couple of days.

    Her boyfriend is a master manipulator. In the last year, she has closed out her savings account, and he got the funds... Over $500 she had saved from her part time job.

    You should get your daughter to her family doctor or OB/GYN immediately. Maybe see if it is too late for the morning after pill...usual best taken in a couple of days. She needs to be checked for STDs. Mine has battled a bacterial vaginosis that keeps coming back. Not a reportable STD, but still a pain. I don't know how much I have paid in copays and medications, and psychiatric appts. She needs to be on a reliable form of BC. Also, I put a box of condoms in their bathroom. I told them I was not ok with them being sexually active, but I was not ok with STDs and pregnancy either.

    Did your daughter get screened for drug use when intake? Mine did and it showed she was smoking pot. Things progress to other drugs. It is never as minimal as your child will want you to believe.

    Come to this site often...it keeps me sane! Well, "saner".

  3. Crayola13

    Crayola13 Active Member

    I have students who have gone through this. After rehab and therapy, their parents always put them in different schools. That won't stop your daughter from seeing the guy. In one situation, my student's parents sued her boyfriend's parents because he made her into an addict. I don't know what the outcome was, but the attorney said there were grounds to sue.
  4. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    What about putting her into treatment? You only have control of any kind for three more years. in my opinion you have to try as hard as you can. It may not work but...at least you tried and won't beat yourself up later.

    My daughter started drugs at 12. I had no idea. Hub and I never did drugs or even drank. She did quit all, even cigarettes and it has been twelve years. To be honest, it was her decision to quit. I am not sure we could have made her. She quit at nineteen. We were very blessed. I am sorry for you. This is hard.
  5. MommaMella

    MommaMella New Member

    Thank you all. Got her to the appointment this morning. Only because we told her if she didnt go we would not take her to school (We can play the lying game too). She never admitted this out loud but we knew the ONLY reason she wanted to go to school was for DemonBoy and friend and shes had zero contact -been grounded without phone/laptop etc - since Sat night. Overall we were satisfied with the experience at the new counsellor office though we only spoke to intake counsellor there, next appointment with actual therapist isnt until wednesday. They did drug test her. We didnt warn her and she was pretty unhappy about it. She tried the "I cant go in front of someone" routine and so we said we could not leave until she did. Stayed over an extra hour just sitting and she tried every 20 minutes until she did finally. Never made it to school because of this. Oops. Not sure if that was real stage fright or just dragging it out hoping she'd win and we'd leave. She gets her stubborness from me but I can be the Queen of Stubborn for something this serious. Results tomorrow. This counselling office is also where alot of people of all ages on parole or otherwise court ordered, have to come in and drug test. daughter seemed a bit shellshocked just being in the waiting room with people coming in to "drop" for their "PO". Learned a lot sitting there. Felt a little guilty for being secretly glad she was uncomfortable witnessing this. The intake counselor didnt tell us too much but did say she does not think daughter is at all safe with DemonBoy. She basically said its an abusive relationship, physically and psychologically and daughter is behaving like an abused spouse. We made an appointment to meet with School Counselor,the Drama Teacher (because Demonboy is in the school musical) and the School Resource Officer and we are going to let them know we do not want daughter near him...and see what they say. (The school has been supportive all along the way thus far but up until now we were approaching this from a mental health standpoint and not drugs/alcohol.) They may want her to leave the district. We open enrolled her there because we felt at the time it was a better school than our home district. Guess we will see... I doubt after all this she will be accepted next year. Its too bad because it really is the better school with better programs and opportunities. So this afternoon when we got home she started with a decent attitude. Husband commented that she was being unusually nice - I said she wants something, just wait. So tonight she asked for her phone. I said no. She asked why? I said because you are grounded and you know that. She said what does that have to do with my phone. I said you basically broke every single promise you made to us last week and we explained the consequences if you were to then so now you live with them. She started back on the "doesnt want to live here" and shes "going to get emancipated" stuff. I said oh have you looked into that? Calmly told her it wasnt legal here and a few more facts she wasnt aware of. She stormed off to her room. Our state does not have emancipation and until 18 shes a minor and under our authority. Husband called local police department yesterday and got the facts. If she leaves we will have her picked up. And if she is found at the boyfriends we will sadly have to threaten his mother with a charge of aiding and abetting a runaway - each day a runaway teen is housed by you without her parents consent is a separate charge. Feel kinda bad about it going there with the mom because I can only imagine what being HIS mom is like... but Im sure a threat is all it would take. I tried to reach out to his mom on social media weeks ago before I even knew the whole situation because I thought ok my kid is having sex with your kid we should know each other...but she refused and changed her settings so I cannot try again. So she knows or thinks she knows something is not ok with all of this. When daughter was recently caught not where she said she was she told us she slept at DemonBoys house and his mom was there. Who knows she may think my kid is the bad influence. She is a single mom and from what Ive learned very religious but yet doesnt have any control over him at all. Ive overheard him complaining to daughter about her going off on him and threatening to take him to the psychiatric ward...last thing I heard was a snippet of him telling daughter that his mom said something like "And she is lying to her parents!" I can only assume this is in reference to my kid sleeping there...but I doubt with the religious aspect, that she actually gave consent for that..more likely she discovered it in the morning or was just completely bullied into it by her ahole son. We may have to just show up at her door one day soon for a chat. So now daughter is just mad but calm to a point. I think she is tired from the days stress. I hope she is... I know I am. Maybe Tonight we will actually get some decent sleep. Need it. Thanks all for listening and for commenting.
  6. mof

    mof Momdidntsignupforthis

    Get rest..but only think the shock and awe is good for her. Keep it up, she has no idea how bad it can get.

    Your good parents..Keep up the fight.
  7. MommaMella

    MommaMella New Member

    Thank you @mof <3
  8. lovemyson1

    lovemyson1 Active Member

    Your daughter reminds me of my oldest. When she was around the same age, she acted the same: depressed, hated school, stubborn & angry. She's 25 now and tells me she just had so many hormones going on at that time. She didn't even know why. So I'm piping in here to give you support and let you know that she will get through this. What worked for my daughter is time and maturity. Once she started driving and got a job she really improved (age 17) I had to push her to this but she got through and is great now. She experienced with drugs a little but no addiction at all, just liked to drink and party. I also strongly believe if you can find something for her to feel passionate about and have a goal towards, it really, really helps! Take care and love her through this! Hope this helps.
    • Optimistic Optimistic x 1
    • List