A Newbie - Where do I start?

Discussion in 'General Parenting' started by kmonthie, Feb 24, 2010.

  1. kmonthie

    kmonthie New Member

    Our difficult child-16 was just released from juvenile after 4 weeks detention, plead guilty to 1 felony, 2 misd. for breaking into the police armory stealing handguns. Caught on site, thank God they didn't shoot him.

    He was diagnosis with ODD and Anger issues at 14, caught setting off molotov cocktail in neighborhood park at 2am. Seemed to have things together pretty well after extensive insight therapy etc.

    He got into a relationship with other 16 yo and within 4 months she managed to have him totoally off balance and suicidal. Discover AOL Im chat logs with obvious emotional blackmail, multiple lies and manipulations, graphic cyber sex and delusions of a guardian angel who could also control/manipulate my son. When I intervened he went beserk, threatened me with-chair, trashed his room, left the house and proceeded to embark on a breaking and entering spree ending at police armory. All within 2.5 hrs of leaving house. psychiatric evaluation now says cocaine addiction and CD. I think he trumped up the cocaine use to deflect attention from the girl, cash flow was not sufficient for prolonged and consistent use.

    He was fortunate not to be charged as an adult, not to be sent to a 6 mo. treatment center, now in Intensive Outpatient, on strict probation.

    All he cares about is the girl?????? Worse yet, girl's mother wants them to continue relationship with help of mental health professionals. What?

    I am full of fear, resentment and anger. Non of which is good for me. Where do I start to come out of this nightmare?

  2. julie

    julie New Member

    Dear K, just read your thread. I am so sorry.Can u talk to the mom and tell her to tell her daughter to just keep her distance for now. I am so new at this. I really just wanted u to know I am thinking about u.Hang in there and keep us posted. I hope he gets better soon.Julie
  3. DammitJanet

    DammitJanet Well-Known Member Staff Member


    First off, welcome to the board. Good heavens do you have your hands full. I can only imagine how distraught you are right now. I would be in a tailspin with all this going on.

    When your son went off, he really did it up big didnt he? Yeah you are right he is lucky he wasnt charged as an adult...really lucky!

    As far as little miss thing, I would see about getting a no contact order put on her and her mom. This relationship can only lead to more problems for your son.

    So right now he is in an intensive outpatient treatment program and on strict probation right? Exactly what does that entail?

    I would strongly urge that you push for them to order him to maintain mental health treatment, maybe see if he can get into some sort of wilderness or other therapeutic treatment setting and also force his attendance with school. If she goes to his school, move him. Of course, restricting his computer use from now on his key.

    Lord Im sorry he has gone down this road. It is just so hard when they make choices that can effect the rest of their lives.
  4. klmno

    klmno Active Member

    I just wanted to welcome you. I think I got the younger version of your son- mine did rash things like that when he was 12yo, although he'd had a couple of incidences at 11yo. He hasn't gotten into street drugs yet but only because he's spent so much of the last 4 years either incarcerated or on probation with random drug tests, he'd get caught. You're not alone and we feel you pain here!
  5. ThreeShadows

    ThreeShadows Quid me anxia?

    I have been in your situation. difficult child 2 hooked up with a very manipulative, deranged girl. I found what looked like a suicide pact. She was just the type to have our son kill himself, all alone so she could make a big teen drama out of the situation and be the star of our little community.
    The police refused to help us out. Her mother was hell bent on having the relationship continue. The therapists involved warned us that this girl was very sick. She managed to cut our son off from his hockey team, his band, his friends and his family. He never graduated with his class, got a GED.
    I suggest that you protect yourselves first. You are responsible for his actions until he becomes an adult. I'm so sorry that this is happening to you. Why do the adults in our society have so little power?
  6. busywend

    busywend Well-Known Member Staff Member


    I was thinking it was UNfortunate he was not sent to a 6 month treatment facility. It sounds like it would serve 2 purposes. Get him away from the girl. And provide intense therapy to help him deal with his emotions and then his mental health issuses.

    You have to be either very ill, or very very distraught to break into a police armory to steal guns. Sounds like a cry for help to me. Sadly, I think the system failed him by sending him back to his environment (the girl) that he was already failing in.

    Can you move?
  7. DaisyFace

    DaisyFace Love me...Love me not

    Hello and welcome--

    Why on earth is this mother so eager for this relationship to continue??? That seems like a big red flag all by itself...

    I hope your son gets some help--and soon!

  8. kmonthie

    kmonthie New Member

    Thanks for your responses. He was recommended to a 6 mth drug treatment program by the Psch. but the treatment center determined he was not a candidate for in-hospital drug treatment and recommend the IOP. The case worker/ probation officer recommended we start where we did and give him a chance. She said that if we start out with the 6 months then if it fails, what do we have? At this point if he violates probation or has a positive drug test we can send him to 30 day program followed by the 6 months.

    He knows how to be a good boy and played that role for all the authorities. He has now been home for 6 days, the first 2 were pink cloud days. Just glad to be out of jail. Monday he went back to same school but we got his schedule changed out of the class with the girl. Options to change to another school in the district would not have been an improvement and everyone agreed it would be worse. He has forgiven the girl all her sins and still rails about my invasion of his privacy. Poppy ****. The rest of the week has been a combat zone. husband and I have now agreed that we will wear his probation officer out if we have to. This was her idea anyway..

    Probation calls for IOP and continued counseling. It is a strict probation with a 9pm curfew, no drugs, alcohol or tobacco products. He's required to be at school and maintain his grade point avg of at least a 3.0. I have his cell phone, I-touch and have passworded him out of the computers. He is being drug tested in 2 places and his free time at this point is from 8p-9p. Study time from 9p-11pm lights out. It was recommended that he have no contact with the girl but fell short of a court order. The probation officer didn't want to have to police this or bust him on a violation for talking to her at school.

    He informed me today that if I did not allow him to see the girl outside of school, well, I already knew what he could do.... I'm looking into private treatment centers any way..... He just doesn't get it.

    I know I've only just begun on this journey but I am finding it difficult to get any type of legal action against the girl, she hasn't broken the law. The mother is in denial and the father is out of the loop.

    Thanks for being here. I know I've worn my family and friends out just getting to this point. I am passed being hurt and tearful and right now I am just plain ******.

    K in KY