Hello fellow broken parents. I found this blog last week and this is my first post. The situation with my son started as soon as he entered grade 9. He's in grade 11 now. It started with him trying weed at a party just after starting high school, and after that, it seemed he had learned a lesson for a while. Then towards the end of the school year and over that summer, he was caught multiple times with weed, and also sneaking out of house at night. We later learned that he and his friends were stealing parents cars (at 15!) and going for joyrides. We started dishing out lots of discipline that summer, including sending him to his grandparents out of town for a week, and then he was stuck with me for my travels on a two week vacation. He had developed a real smart mouth over those few months too, and he and my husband (his stepdad) got into it really bad at that time. On the day he came back from the 3 weeks of summer "I ruined for him", he got arrested for break and enter. That was the same day as his sisters sweet 16 party, to boot. That summer seemed to mark a real decline in his behavior and emotional state. He was really angry afterwards. He was suspended from school 3 times in the first couple of months. Things seemed to calm down a little after that, but it was clear he had a big weed problem. I was smelling it on him and seeing him high all the time. I pressured him to get a job, which he did, and he quit it within the first 2 months, as it was taking him away from hanging with his friends. He had started hanging out with lots of kids I didn't know, and toward the end of that school year, his attendance got really bad at school. Our home was turned upside down, as we have two older children who have never behaved like this at home. I also started to see him high differently...liked sedated. So one time when I caught him in that condition, I made him take a drug test I had ordered over the internet. He tested positive for benzos (Xanax) and...shockingly...cocaine. This blew me away in the worst way possible, as I have already survived a loved ones drug addiction to this...his father had a terrible drug addiction to the same thing when my son was born, and after suffering through his downward spiral for two years, I finally left. And my son never knew his dad had this problem as he was not in his life at all while still using, and did not come back into his life until he was clean. That's why I'm a devastated mom, I have lived through a cocaine drug addiction once in my life, and still bear so many emotional scars. My son using cocaine has been a huge trigger for a lot of the luggage I had put to the back of my mind, and I'm terrified for my son. He denied using it and almost had me convinced that his weed was laced with it, but I was still freaking out about the xanax. I have read how addictive it is too, and how readily available it is to these kids. At that point I told him about his dads history, and how this was even more dangerous for him to experiment then it is for his friends because he may have a genetic predisposition to addictive tendencies. He seemed to be really affected by that information, and I hoped I made the right choice in telling him. This was in July. In August, I caught him with a small bag of cocaine. My son confessed that he had been using it, said he hadn't used that much as he had very limited finances, but recently was feeling the pull of cravings afterwards and he and his friends had decided to quit. This bag was supposed to be the last. (de ja vu from many times years before with his father) He took me to the bathroom and poured it out voluntarily, hugged me and told me it would be okay, and that he would do drug tests for me moving forward to prove to me he is off of it. I have been obsessed since them. I search his room regularly, and have found all kinds of weed paraphernalia (he smokes with a massive bong), pills and finally a few weeks ago, found a small amount of cocaine. He has refused to do the drug tests he promised to in July. He has gotten more angry and volatile, and has no problem getting up in my face, cursing at me, yelling, and I have been afraid it will escalate soon to violence. The way he talks to me is infuriating, and I have had to stop myself more than once from slapping his face off, as I am pretty sure in his frame of mind in those moments, he will get physical back. In early November, we had an incident one morning that ended in him punching a hole in my bedroom wall, so I called the police. A friend of his asked his parents if they could take my son in for a while, which they so wonderfully did. Things have become so toxic here, so we really needed a break. He was there for almost 2 weeks, and we went for a family counselling session to discuss the terms of his return. He is a smart kid, so he said all the right things in that meeting. My husband recognized it was a sales job and didn't want to let him back yet, but I was feeling badly for the other family, as my son was not behaving well there either, so we took him back. He went right back to breaking the rules - smoking weed out the window of his room, bringing people in when we weren't home (and unplugging the cameras we put in the house this past summer in order to try to get away with it), staying out all night over the weekend without asking (or telling) us, skipping school...and after he still wouldn't let me drug test him, I got creative when cleaning his room and tested some spit he had in a bottle....and it was positive for cocaine. I made plans with his father to take him for a tour of a teen rehab an hour away. I have spoken to him about rehab before and he is adamant about not needing it and has basically refused to even think about it. Where we live (in Ontario Canada), at 16, drug treatment is voluntary. We cannot force him, he has to be willing to go. When we told him where we were going, even though he knows he can't be forced to stay and it was just a tour, he jumped out of the moving car to escape. His dad said that day to kick him out, that he will need to hit rock bottom in order to want to get help. It is legal here to kick out your 16 year old, but I struggle with it morally. Anyways, he came home that day like nothing had happened. I was furious and not talking to him. He continued to skip school and took off for the whole weekend. On Sunday night he came home, again, like nothing had happened, and it wasn't long before my husband and I smelled weed coming from his room. My husband confronted him, and it was a bad scene between the two of them, but did calm down, but I could tell my husband is reaching the end of his rope. Then on Monday (the one just past), my son came home after school thinking no one was there, and tried to sneak a friend in through his bedroom window, which is on the second floor. He heard the kid trying to climb the side of our house, and confronted them, which ended in my son cussing my husband out in the street, and another visit from the police. My husband kicked my son out that day, and I totally understand why, and on most levels, agree that at this point we have no other option, as we have tried everything else....talking, counselling, taking away privileges, being strict, compromising...nothing works. He wants to continue to be this volatile, drug using tyrant in our house, and expects we should all just get off his back. He has now been out 5 days, and wont tell me where he's staying, though I'm pretty sure its with the kid that he starting using coke with. :-( He has been quite upset since then. I have seen him almost every evening to buy him supper. He is sad, seemingly depressed, and he does say he really wants to come home, and I feel so sorry for him in these moments, but he still is not taking responsibility for his own behavior, and I know if he came home now, we would get right back on that same old twisted merry-go-round. My husband insists he has to be drug-free before he can come back home, which I know my son can't do while staying out there with his druggie buddies...at this point, he has no interest in going drug free. He tells me he can and will quit all the hard stuff (heard that from him before), but not weed. I agree that ideally, my son would quit all drugs. After going through what I did with his dad, I spent years watching the show Intervention, and always go back to how different the people are and how they think and feel once they get clean. It would be a dream come true if we could get him to agree to this, but I do feel it is inly a dream at this point. But if my son is willing to give up everything else and just smoke weed (this time, he would be held to regular drug testing, or immediate ejection if he refuses), should we really be keeping him out on the streets? (on a side note, his father has been clean of cocaine for 7 years, but still smokes weed regularly) I am fairly sure his drug use and behavior will only get worse staying out there with no parental influence or anyone to guide him. My husband tells me if I want to take him in anytime before he is truly clean (like completed a rehab or detox program) that we will have to separate and I will have to do that on my own, as he is not prepared to put his safety and the other kids safety in jeopardy in order for me to allow my drug using son to manipulate his way back into living with me. My husband and I have a great relationship otherwise, we only seem to fight about my son. My husband is loving, supportive and makes me feel safe, where my son treats me terribly, yells, lies and manipulates and makes me scared for my safety....I am so conflicted, would love some input from you all. Thanks so much, and wishing you all strength and comfort as we walk this terrible journey with our precious children.