A trip down memory lane

recoveringenabler

Well-Known Member
Staff member
Two hours ago I received a text from my daughter asking if she and her (guy) friend could spend the night because the two places she surfs couches were unavailable. Sigh. husband and I talked about it and quickly realized that having my daughter and her buddy stay here on Thanksgiving Eve, or really anytime, is a bad idea.

I felt turmoil.

I baked a pumpkin cheesecake.

Then I did something I have never done before. I went back on this forum to when I first came here, just shy of 3 years ago and read my very first post. Then I read a bunch that followed..........

I remembered all the angst, the sorrow, the guilt, the anger.........and I could see how far I've come from that dark, dark place. I read for quite awhile.

I began to relax inside.

I am not responsible for my daughters poor choices. Because she doesn't handle her life, I am not going to put myself in an uncomfortable position. As husband said, once she is here, she will say she has nowhere to go and she will presume the onus is then on me.

I also realized I don't have to explain or justify my choice. I texted her and said No, tonight won't work. And, that I love having she and her friend for dinner tomorrow, but staying here tomorrow night won't work either. That I hope she finds a place tonight, tomorrow and long term. And, that I love her.

That's all.

That's enough.

I've done enough.

I can't explain it, I don't understand it, but I feel a deep peace right now.

God, I am so grateful that we humans can change.

I wish my daughter a safe night.
 

GuideMe

Active Member
You did the right thing RE. You know, she may have thought for a fleeting moment that now your granddaughter is off in college, that she might now have an "opening" at your house, so by saying no, especially the first time, will most likely erase that thought out of her mind. I admire you for being so strong, many of us could not have said no. You are practicing what you preach for sure because you know in the end, it's not going to help anyone, including her. You have started to admire and even respect her choice of lifestyle , so she has to respects yours also. You deserve peace for the holiday.
 

Scent of Cedar *

Well-Known Member
Then I did something I have never done before. I went back on this forum to when I first came here, just shy of 3 years ago and read my very first post

I remembered all the angst, the sorrow, the guilt, the anger.........and I could see how far I've come from that dark, dark place

I am not responsible for my daughters poor choices. Because she doesn't handle her life, I am not going to put myself in an uncomfortable position

I also realized I don't have to explain or
justify

Holding good thoughts for strength and peace, Recovering.

Cedar
 

nlj

Well-Known Member
I went back on this forum to when I first came here, just shy of 3 years ago and read my very first post

I've done that RE, at times when I have forgotten how I felt then, forgotten how bad things were.

I'm glad I can still access that. It's like a very old 'message in a bottle' from my previous self.

It can help clarify things and remind you how far you've come.

You were strong to say no. You have so much advice that you share with us, that you were bound to say no. I'll think of you baking the cheesecake, biding your time, like an educational video to play in my head next time I find myself veering towards saying yes with my heart, when in my head I'm saying no.
 

Tanya M

Living with an attitude of gratitude
Staff member
Hugs to you!! I know how that must have hurt but I also understand the peace that you feel.

That initial NO is so important as it does send a message.

Wishing you a blessed day.
 

Albatross

Well-Known Member
once she is here, she will say she has nowhere to go and she will presume the onus is then on me.

I totally get this. For me, the conflict of saying yes, even to a little thing, creates such tremendous inner turmoil. I find myself uber-vigilant, trying to anticipate the million possible outcomes of every. single. action. It's crazy-making, and it's a no-win, every time.

I am not responsible for my daughters poor choices. Because she doesn't handle her life, I am not going to put myself in an uncomfortable position.

I love this. That's it, right there. That's all we have, how we feel about ourselves at the end of the day. That feeling of deep peace is the certain knowledge that it was the right thing to do.
 

in a daze

Well-Known Member
You were right to say no. Give them an inch and they'll take a mile.

It helps me to read old posts, too, to see how far we've come (me and difficult child) and to put present circumstances in perspective.
 

recoveringenabler

Well-Known Member
Staff member
Thank you all for your responses.

I woke up and my first thought was my daughter.........but not from that terrible worrisome, anxiety place we all know so well, a thought of her and I let it go........the peace remains.........I was almost surprised since that is a relatively new feeling.............I've been practicing putting less emphasis on 'thoughts' and more emphasis on creating a spaciousness within not dictated by thinking but by presence and focusing on staying in the present moment........I think it's working!

so by saying no, especially the first time, will most likely erase that thought out of her mind. I

I hadn't thought of that GM, thank you, that makes sense.

I appreciate your kind thoughts, as you have for these 3 years, you've helped me to stay the course, to realize my strengths and my vulnerabilities and to carry on..........

I am feeling very grateful on this day of Thanksgiving.

Many blessings to everyone........I hope your day is filled with love........
 

Tiredof33

Active Member
I did the same about three weeks ago when my long lost difficult child turned up in jail for domestic violence, the fight was with the same girlie he had put in jail for domestic violence three years ago.

I found out accidently that he was back in Fl and was arrested, he did speak to son in law and asked him to get a message to girlie. She was the one that had him arrested (not that I blame her if there was violence) and then he is concerned because she won't take his collect calls! sister in law did give her the message, so now girlie is leaving them harassing phone messages. sigh, sister in law has a good heart and he was only trying to help.

Looking back on the pain and drama that was my daily life, I choose not to go back there. I have not contacted my difficult child. He is also a 'give an inch and he thinks he has won and expects things to go back to my enabling day'.

When my difficult child is released he will be homeless again, not a penny to his name, prefers to sleep in the woods rather than go to a homeless shelter and I don't feel the overwhelming dread I felt before. These are the same circumstances of three years ago. He's back to square one, only three years older! I am also three years older, but I have learned from my enabling mistakes.

I feel very deep in my bones, if I ever let my difficult child spend even one night I would never get him to leave. I'm happy for you, having the strength to say no and not be pulled backwards. You and hubby deserve it!
(((hugs and blessings)))
 

ForeverSpring

Well-Known Member
RE, you are so strong and smart and you did NOT cut her off, but offered her an her friend over for pie on Thanksgiving.

My hat goes off to you. You have learned how to do it and I keep learning from you.
 
Top