MM, I have been involved in open adopitons with my two kids by adoption for 19 years. We visit my son's bfamily now once a year and exhange birthday cards, Christmas cards, letters. With difficult child daughter, I send updates once a year,she has never written back.
Here is my experince: It is about boundaries. I am the parent 24/7. Genetic though does haave lots of bearing. By beiang the loving stable parent 24/7, my son has seen how differnt his life is than his 3 full birthbrothers and his birthmom and her husband and his birthfamily. Becsuse of the consistency and support we have been able to offer my son, adopted since birth he has accompllishe dmore than his birthfamily has been able to do and birthmom isnow 34 years old. We love them though and they love us. I can't fix them or resuce them.I set very frim baoundaries. I ahave never let my son see them without me. A lot of their strgths are awesome, they are funny, energetic,crative. There is also very clear alcholsism and A severe ADD on both sides. My son is so bonded and connected with me, he has had realtionship with birthfamily all onlg and see how unreliable,etc. they are. So, they are a very small part of his life. Important, noone else looks like htem,acts so muchlike him but he has a very full rich life going many positve places. It is fascniatng about genetics. Both he and birthmo have shark phobia, and a lot of similar quirks. They are both so warm hearted and sweet.
With my difficult child daighter, i now suspect birthmom and proably birthdad are bipolar with subatance abuse isssues. I have conssitenly sent updates and pics.Birthmom was older when difficult child was born, late thirties. Hoepfully, difficult child can get the help and support and utilize her gifts which are many. i did meet birthmom and birth grandma when she was born. They all played the drums. difficult child is talented musically, plays many instruments, sings,etc. The birthmom was a mortage appraser. difficult child is analytical,etc.
Compassion