Adult Son ReLapsed

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by Wussenabler, Jun 22, 2018.

  1. Wussenabler

    Wussenabler New Member

    My adult son has relapsed and has lost the key to his car. He wants me to have it towed because he doesnt trust the people at the house. No one claims to have the key. My wife is in another state taking care of her mother and she has the spare key with her. This makes no sense to me .She is having the key fedexed so Ill have it tomorrow. Im not going to have the car towed.Frankly I dont want him in the house with me tonight.He spent the night somewhere last night by his own choice and never let me know where he was'.
    He has been clean for 5 months and this relapse has just devastated my wife and I. We are both senior citizens and have a hard time dealing with all this. I told him the key would be delivered tomorrow and that I loved him. Wussenabler
  2. AppleCori

    AppleCori Well-Known Member

    Well, then he will get his key tomorrow.

    Not your problem.

    How old is your son?
  3. ForeverSpring

    ForeverSpring Well-Known Member

    Your son must be older. Sadly, he shouldn't be living with his parents or driving a car at all if he may get intoxicated. At least that is what I think. None of my kids lived at home after 21, although two were difficult at different times.

    I hope you and your wife take good care of yourselves. Really, you can't help or change your son. He has to do it.

    Light and love!
  4. Wussenabler

    Wussenabler New Member

    Thanks for your reply. I really appreciate input from those who have been there,
  5. Wussenabler

    Wussenabler New Member

    My son is 33 and finished 9 month rehab last year and did well for a while and then the wheels came off and he overdosed and was put in an induced coma for 5 days. Revered and did well until this last time, I understand all of the al anon slogans but viscerally I still react.
  6. AppleCori

    AppleCori Well-Known Member

    That is very sad that he relapsed after such a long period of sobriety.

    What are you and you wife going to do now?

    Are you ready to do something different? This doesn’t seem to be working for anyone but your adult son.
  7. AppleCori

    AppleCori Well-Known Member

    Is that car in your name or your son’s name?
  8. recoveringenabler

    recoveringenabler Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Welcome. I'm sorry you're struggling with your son's behaviors. At 33, it seems the time has come for him to be accountable for his actions and suffer the consequences of his choices. Often they are not aware of how much their choices impact us, especially if substance abuse is involved. So, we have to take care of ourselves as the priority, which can get sticky with our own "good parent" expectations, guilt, fears for their safety and well being ......and not knowing what to do. If you instinctively sense that now is the time to set boundaries, then it may be prudent for you to get yourselves some support in whatever fashion feels right to you because it can be tough to tell our kids no, to set limits and boundaries.....and to change patterned, old, unhealthy behaviors.

    It may be helpful for you to read the article on detachment at the bottom of my post here.

    It's painful when those we love go off the rails for whatever's very difficult for us parents who are on the sidelines, often powerless to stop the train wreck right in front of us......although we try and try and try, it rarely works.....they are the ones who have to commit to change and if they don't, nothing changes. Therefore, it is us who do the heavy lifting of change. And, that involves boundaries and stellar self care.

    Hang in there, you're not alone, we've been or are in your shoes....keep posting, it helps.
  9. Triedntrue

    Triedntrue Well-Known Member

    My son is 36 and i have recently said no more money, no more rides, no more rescues. It is hard and i sometimes feel guilty but i know that it is what i have to do for his sake as well as my own. Someone may have taken your sons keys so he didn't drive under the influence. If he is high when he comes to get the keys if you can safely keep them do so, it may save him orcan innocent driver. Mostly take care of yourselves and let him deal with the consequences of his decisions.
  10. Wussenabler

    Wussenabler New Member

    Thanks so much for your reply. My son came home last night via uber. He was delusional and irrational but not threating to me.I called 911 and cops and ems arrived and he is in the hospital now under observation.
    I feel so powerless about everything right now. I have allowed my sons decisions to impact my life so much.
  11. New Leaf

    New Leaf Well-Known Member

    Hi WE,
    I am so sorry for your aching heart. It is a hard, hard ordeal to watch our children grow up and stumble down a road we never imagined. They trip and fall, and we do everything we possibly can to try to catch them, to sort things out, to try to make things right again. You mentioned relapse, was your son clean for a time? I can't comprehend how it must be to feel the relief of that, then to have drug use rear its ugly head again.
    It is said that it may take several times for an addict to attempt clean living.
    I think it is the same for us, coming out of the rabbit hole and trying to grab our lives back.
    It is a process.
    I am sorry for the pain of this. I hope that this will be a wake up call for your son.
    If not, it can be yours.
    We are powerless, all of us here who are faced with adult children gone off the rails.
    That is a first step in recognizing that there is nothing we can do to change or fix the mess they create for themselves by their choices. Understanding how much impact this has on us is important. When we are so focused on our Difficult Child's, what they are doing, it is life sucking. The sadness and dismay is overwhelming.
    When I feel as you do, I pray. Leaning upon faith is very empowering. If you are not inclined, there are other ways to switch focus to what you can control, your emotions and reactions. Meditation, therapy, groups such as alanon, naranon.
    I came to the conclusion some years back that we are all captains of our own ships. Following our wayward d c's into the storm of their choices and consequences makes no sense.
    That is two lives gone amuck.
    What we wish most for our adult children, is that they practice self care, make better choices, live well. We cannot force them to do this, but we can lead by example and be the change we wish to see in them. Life is too short and precious to be tangled up along with them in the web of addiction. Addiction and drug use reduces our beloveds into someone we don't recognize. In turn, when we are caught up in their consequences, we live in despair. I see addiction personified, an invisible force that tries to affect everyone involved. In despair, it is difficult to make healthy choices for ourselves. We live in the sort of limbo that our kids live, following a downward spiral, they are jonesing for drugs, we can't live our lives with joy until they are clean. This begins to feel like love, that we cannot find peace until they are "fixed". This is addiction infecting us. Addiction would have us weak and sad, not knowing which way to turn, not fully living our lives. When we are entangled in this misery, it is hard to see a way out. It is hard to change our mindset. Hard, but not impossible.
    Heavy lifting of change. That is such an appropriate term. We have established patterns in our lives, and I believe that we fall in to a macabre dance alongside of our adult children. Like whirling dervishes. They go round and round into drug use and the consequences, we go into the fog, fear, obligation and guilt, feel responsible and determined to fix them. It is dizzying. Like a trance. Terrifying. Heart and gut wrenching. Over, and over, and over again.
    There is no sacrifice we can make of our own lives, to stop the choice of another human being.
    Even our beloveds.
    I gave my two over to God. It is way too much for me to handle alone. That was a start for me to come out of the fog, believing I could "help" them, answering every dramatic, chaotic call, giving up my own time, sacrificing my peace and joy. Reeling the tapes of their youth over and again, focusing on my parenting mistakes and feeling guilty and responsible.
    Addiction would have us stay in this mindset, this pattern. There, dazed and confused, we are just as entrapped as our drug using adult children.
    Breaking free is just as hard for us, as it is for them. But, if we disentangle ourselves, start to free ourselves from the web, we are showing them, that they can break free, too. We raised our children, we are their first mentors. Be the change you wish to see in your son. That is what you have control over, yourself. If you continue to feel helpless, powerless, get help. It is what we want our kids to do, get help.
    If you feel no peace or joy, get help.
    That is our drug abusing adult children's pattern, they feel no joy, unless they are high.
    They don't take good care of themselves. They make terrible choices, and suffer the consequences.
    It does no good for them, if we become martyrs over their addiction, and suffer along with them.
    If you continue to say, "I cannot live well, until my son is better."
    That is addictions grip.
    You can live well.
    You must.
    Life is way too short to languish in despair over something we have no control over.
    By grabbing our lives back and living well, we are telling addiction that it may have our kids for now, but it cannot have us.
    It takes steps to break free from unhealthy patterns and mindsets we develop in the course of our children's journeys. Small steps. You have taken the first, extremely important step by recognizing you are powerless over your adult son's choices. Accepting this, is huge. I will never accept my twos choice to muck up their lives over drugs, but I can accept that there is nothing I can do to stop them. They have to decide.
    It took some time for me to swallow that, and decide to take my own life back.
    Stellar self care. I am going to repeat that in my head today. It is what we wish for our kids. Stellar self care.
    It is not selfish, to practice self love. To set boundaries, to not allow anyone to tread upon us, our hearts.
    You matter, WE, the rest of your life matters.
    I am hoping that your son's relapse and hospitalisation will be a wake up call for him. If he does not heed that call, you can wake up from the nightmare of this.
    Show him that life is so filled with beauty and opportunity, beyond addictions grip.
    One day, one moment, one step at a time.
    You are worth the effort.
  12. wisernow

    wisernow wisernow

    What a beautiful response New Leaf. Thank you. It helps us all to read that.
  13. Wussenabler

    Wussenabler New Member

    Thanks so much for taking your time to read my post and responding with such kind and wise words. God be with us as we travel our paths and sail our ships.WE