Adult spoiled children

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by Sailinggal, Dec 30, 2016.

  1. Sailinggal

    Sailinggal New Member

    Where to start. I'm drowning here with no idea how to get back to being me. Me the happy person. Me the controlled person. I've got two kids from two different fathers. Is that what did it?
    I give everything I've got to both of them but it's not enough. I've encouraged both of them to do well and they have. The 34 year old is well off but so difficult she doesn't have a man. She wants a baby but can't put up with a partner. The last one lasted two years and she was getting married to him but she called off. In all this time I've to walk on egg shells. She can be so horrible to me it would make you wonder why I stick around.
    My mothers husband died and left her with money so my sister managed to have me put out the family by devious means. Yes I'm a sap and I'm hurt and I need my daughters support but it's not there. I can't get to see my mum as my sister has put her in a home with instructions that I've not to see her. How do I fight that one?
    My son keeps wondering what I've done to deserve all of this so stays away from it all.
    I don't know what I've done to deserve any of this. I've loved my mum forever. I am at the end of the phone when my daughter needs me and I love her to bits. I am devoted to my son but he has a girlfriend who doesn't like sharing so I know enough to know my place.
    My hubby is an angel and supports me totally.
    Why isn't my life perfect why does it have to be like this?
  2. mof

    mof Momdidntsignupforthis

    First of all..NO ONE has a perfect life. If you have health, a roof over your head and food..youve got it good!

    That does not mean your not sad frustrated and confused. You do the best you can with what you have.

    I have no advice, but Welcome..your not alone;)
  3. ForeverSpring

    ForeverSpring Well-Known Member

    Nobody has a perfect life. Nobody.

    To help ypu I need clarity.

    You still give anything you have to kids who are in their 30s. Why? Your daughter sounds won't get what you want from her. She is old enough not to need you at the end of the phone ehen times are tough. Do ypu often give her money? Does she get angry of ypu say no?

    Your son wants maybe separation from you. He's not little anymore and has his own life. This is normal. My grown kids are close to me but they don't share every detail of their lives with SO with me.

    I think your biggest mistake is acting too needy and also that you don't have enough going on in your own life without your very adult children. All of us need to learn to live without our adult children and have our own lives. I personally think that sharing everything you have with adults is outrageous. Save what's yours for you! Travel. Join a fitness club. Make friends. Explore new or old hobbies. Go on wonderful date nights with husband. Don't depend on grown kids for companionship. You need peers.

    Your sister was awful but I don't know what you can do about that, if anything. I am not sure what country you live in, but mum is used more in other countries than the u.s. and every country has its own.laws. Is your mother competent?

    Sounds like you are the scapegoat of the family. in my opinion build your own life with husband and maybe with the help of a good therapist whom can help you deal with these issues. The latter is my best advice I know of. Seek professional help. It saved me. It can help or even save you too and aid you in finding out how to build a good life and get respect.

    Best of luck to you. Keep posting!
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    Last edited: Dec 30, 2016
  4. Praecepta

    Praecepta Active Member

    So far as your kids, try to make the best of a bad situation. If you can see them occasionally, then you are doing better than some other people who never see their kids. Look at it that way.

    As for your mom, try to go visit her. If they will not let you, then call the police. See if you can get the police or some independent person to ask your mom if SHE WANTS to see you or not. And if she is being prevented from seeing you against her will, then ask the police if you can file charges against the home/your sister.

    In the U.S. we have "elder abuse" laws. It sounds like you are from outside the U.S., perhaps you have similar laws in your area? Might ask your local police about that. (Or if posting on the internet, say what country you are from and someone may be familiar with the laws in your area.)
  5. Ironbutterfly

    Ironbutterfly If focused on a single leaf you won't see the tree

    I agree with others who have responded. YOU and your husband need to build your life around yourselves. YOUR kids are walking out their lives. It sounds like daughter has major commitment issues. She is unhappy in her life at the present time and takes it out on you. It's her issues she needs to solve for herself. Keep conversations with daughter short and brief. Let her know you love her and that she will figure out her life. If she gets mean or nasty or rude, tell her you have to go and will talk to her later. Don't take the bait of her letting you be her whipping dog. Get the book "Stop walking on Eggshells: Taking your life back".

    Son and girlfriend- well it is what it is for now; perhaps girlfriend will come around. At least son is sympathetic to you and all that you are going through. That is a plus. So many of our adult Difficult Child are not sympathetic and very me me personalities.

    Your Mum and sister. Is sister the executor of Mum, have power of attorney? If so, you should seek legal counseling to see what your rights are with visitation to your Mum and how to handle sister and her devious dealings to get you out of family.

    You will need to focus more on you and hubby and living out your life and doing things that make you happy. Maybe travel, find new hobbies.
  6. Sailinggal

    Sailinggal New Member

  7. Sailinggal

    Sailinggal New Member

    You are so amazing at picking up situations from a brief few words. I thank you so much for your response and will take on board all that you say. Fortunatly I have a lovely, understanding husband who cares very much about me and my two adult children. Unfortunately he is a loss too about how to deal with my family as he can't understand why there should be any problems. We should all be happy and grateful.
    As for my sister, she organised POA go to my mothers sister. She is best friends with my aunt. I've been for legal advice but unfortunately there's nothing I can do. They have now put my mum into a home. I found this out on Facebook. I found out which Home only to discover I've been barred. I have contacted the social work who organised a visitors pass for me but the visit was very confusing for my mum and very stressful for me. My daughter came with me which involved a flight so it can't be a regular thing. In the end I finished going to the Dr who has given me calming pills. Bottom line on this one is to give up the fight.
    I think some of my problem is that I don't want to lose my daughter as I've already lost my mum, sister and aunt.
    All I want is to be a good mum, a good daughter and it would have been nice to be known as a good sister but that's not going to happen.
    I think I'll do what you say and stick with making my husband happy.
    Thank you for listening.