Advice?

Discussion in 'Substance Abuse' started by Worried1996, Aug 10, 2017.

  1. Worried1996

    Worried1996 New Member

    I have been reading this forum for a fee days and can relate on so many levels. I know I need to "detach" I just don't know how. My son's story.... He has always been a very smart kid. He was diagnosed in first grade with ADHD and had issues throughout school with turning in homework and barely graduated due to this. Always aced tests just no homework. Looking back I realize that due to ADHD I made too many excuses for him and didn't allow him to suffer natural consequences. We started finding pot periodically in his car and room when he was a freshman and he always promised he would stop so I protected him from the consequences his father wanted to impose. After he graduated HS he got a paraphernalia ticket and got that deferred but soon after got pulled over and evidently they confiscated a container that later turned out to be "wax" because after the tests came back and a warrant was issued he was pulled over again for the warrant and they found more wax.... which in Texas is a felony. So...he was arrested and after he spent a night in jail I convinced my husband to bail him oit. He ended up getting 5 years probation/deferred disposition. He lives in a rent house owned by his grandpa and refuses to get a stable job. Does food deliveries now and then to pay rent (late) but his grandpa said if has late again he will evict him. Because i cant stand the thought of him being hungry and homeless I end up giving him the money to make rent then listen to him promise me he will get a job. His house reeks of weed so I have no idea how he is passing his drug tests at probation. Of course if he gets caught again he will go to prison and I can't stand the thought of that either. When I try to talk to him he tells me of course he is not doing it and not to worry. I have read all of the posts abought detaching but i dont know how when I feel like it is my fault he is the way he is because I babied him and cleaned up his messes for so long. I try not to worry but am at the point I am literally making myself sick. Can't focus on work or anything else and I'm just hoping someone here can help.
     
  2. Littleboylost

    Littleboylost On the road unwanted to travel

    Hi dear worried you are not in this alone. Do you have support for yourself? A therapist or a group??
     
  3. RN0441

    RN0441 100% better than I was but not at 100% yet

    Welcome Worried

    Glad you found us. We are all worried!

    Yes it sounds like you have enabled your son for many years. Many of us have done that so you're not alone.

    How old is your son?

    There are many ways to pass a urine drug test at least for marijuana. I know that there is a powder you can get from GNC right now that will do it. We even did it for our son a few times (long story) but you can see in my signature where that got us!

    Do you suspect any other drug use? Did your son graduate high school? Does he/did he have any plans after high school?

    What is wax?

    Please give us more information and then it will be easier for others to offer their advice or what has or has not worked for them.
     
  4. Nancy

    Nancy Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Welcome. You are not alone in having a hard time detaching. How old is your son? He will have to start facing the consequences of his actions and you know you will need to stop covering for him. As moms we try to make things better but in this instance we can't. Hopefully you will find the information on this fourm to be of some help and support.
     
  5. Worried1996

    Worried1996 New Member

    I have not been to a therapist yet. Upon the urging of my husband I do have an appointment set up.
     
  6. Littleboylost

    Littleboylost On the road unwanted to travel

    Excellent step in the right direction for self healing. I also have a therapist and both me and my husband now go. We took out AS also but as soon as the addiction was addressed he bailed. This is not your fault. You can only control how you respond. As I write these words they are also for me. Be kind to yourself.
     
  7. Worried1996

    Worried1996 New Member

    My son is going to turn 21 this month. I don't believe he is using anything else although I can't honestly say that for sure. We never found any evidence that he was using anything else.... We tried to get him to go to college after he graduated but he went one semester and said he wasn't going back. Since then he has basically done nothing. He has voiced interest in different things but then shows no initiative towards making anything happen.
    Wax is just a very concentrated form of marijuana with high levels of THC. Legally it carries a higher penalty than marijuana alone.
     
  8. RN0441

    RN0441 100% better than I was but not at 100% yet

    Hi

    For starters I think a therapist that has a background in substance abuse would be helpful. If your son does not have any mental illnesses it could be the marijuana that is making him have no drive or desire to do anything. And why should he? He has it made! You need help on how to set healthy and loving boundaries for him. This will help you and will also help him.

    I would think that a therapist would suggest that you establish some rules for him to abide by while staying at his grandfather's place. This is going to be a complete overhaul of your parenting as you have not made him suffer ANY consequences in the past. I can tell you that he is not going to like it.

    There are so many people here that have helped me and remember, it does not mean you do not love your son. He is a grown man (yes hard to believe it but it's true) and he has to learn how to make his way in this world. You are not going to live forever.

    My son has a serious addiction problem so what you describe sounds like a piece of cake to me but in reality even for you nothing changes if nothing changes. You don't want a 30 year old sitting on the couch refusing to work or do anything with his life and that can and does happen.

    This young MEN (and women) seem to feel entitled and think that parents are supposed to pay for them and baby them forever and that can happen unless the parents make changes.

    There is an article on detachment here on the main forum page that you may want to read. It can help you to see how that by letting go we let our adult children grow into the men and women they are meant to be. It is really their life and their choice in the end.
     
  9. pasajes4

    pasajes4 Well-Known Member

    We have a lot in common. My son will turn 21 on the 27th of this month and we live in Texas. My son is in legal trouble and has court in September. I will not be providing a lawyer nor will I go to court with him. My son does not want to work. He wants someone to provide him with a place to smoke his weed in comfort. My stand is that I am not a "trap" house nor a homeless shelter for his other druggie friends.

    Each of us comes to this site with similar concerns and at different places on this journey. Read the forums that apply to your situation. Take away the advice that hits home. The bottom line is that nothing is set in stone. The truth is that this is their story and only they can write the final chapter.
     
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  10. Teriobe

    Teriobe Active Member

    Please learn how to set boundaries otherwise you will be on this roller coaster ride til hes 31yrs like mine. Which is in prison second time around. Please read books, get therapy, and be stern. Please!
     
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  11. Littleboylost

    Littleboylost On the road unwanted to travel

    My son was heavily addicted to pot and was only smoking pot when we were unable to get him out of bed to get to school. Job after job lost. He has this past year been ramping up into pills and snorting oxy and Coke, he also began dealing to support his habit.
    Although it is with tremendous guilt (unfounded) and a heavy heart as he is only 18 this October...we have asked him to leave. The members of this forum are right. Nothing changes if nothing changes.

    We put boundaries in place our son ignored them. He knows we are detaching with love ....still makes him furious though. A wise person said to me if your AS is furious you must be doing something right. We all do what our hearts can endure; one day at a time one step at a time.
    This forum, the sage advice of its members, along with therapy and education has given us the power to take back the peace in our home and detach with love.
     
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  12. Worried1996

    Worried1996 New Member

    I appreciate each of your replies and sharing your wisdom. As hard as it is I know I need to hear what you are all saying about boundaries and detaching and I need to make some changes for his sake as well as my own. It is encouraging to know I am not alone!
     
  13. Crayola13

    Crayola13 Active Member

    How old is your son's grandfather? I think he is taking of his age. Is his grandfather on a walker or using oxygen? When a kid sees that walker, they know they can get away with anything. I get the impression he doesn't really believe his grandfather would actually evict him. I also get the impression the grandfather is fairly well off financially and would some how be able to "buy" a good lawyer. The problem, is that as after three times, even the most expensive lawyer can't help him.

    A similar situation happened in my extended family.
     
  14. RN0441

    RN0441 100% better than I was but not at 100% yet

    Good luck. Keep us posted!
     
  15. susiestar

    susiestar Roll With It

    I am terribly sorry you are having to go through all of this. I know it is tearing you apart. Welcome to our forum. It is lovely to have you here, but I am so sorry you needed to find us.

    Right now your son has it made. He has a great life. He works just enough to get his weed, then he whines and cries enough so that you pay his bills. He gets to live on his own so that no one makes him follow anyone else's rules as far as curfew or cleaning, and he doesn't have to have a regular/real job. As an outsider, it seems to me that his only real problem is that his substance of choice is illegal in your state. If he had been born in Colorado, he would be just fine. What reason is there for your son to change his life?

    Right now that isn't your biggest problem. You are codependent with your son. Addiction is a family disease and it makes more than the person who is using the substance sick. It makes the entire family sick. Seeing a therapist is a wonderful step. Please make sure that your therapist has training in substance abuse. As someone who has had therapy, it can take a few tries to find the therapist who is the right fit for you. If you need to see another therapist, don't feel bad about making an appointment with a different one. There are a lot of factors that impact the relationship between the therapist and the patient, and if you don't feel comfortable and like you can trust the therapist, then it won't work.

    I also strongly suggest you read Melody Beattie's "Codependent No More". I also suggest you read "Boundaries" by Cloud and Townsend. They are both amazing books. I hope you find them as eye opening and helpful as I did (and do).

    Almost every community has Al-Anon or Narcotics Anonymous family meetings. These are going to benefit you and your family tremendously. Even if you are the only person attending, your son will benefit in the long run. It might take a few tries to find the meeting(s) that feels right for you (every time/date/location combination has a different dynamic), but it really does help. If it does absolutely nothing else, it lets you know that you are FAR from the only person in this situation. Sure we are always here on the board for you, but sometimes that in-person support can make a huge difference.

    You will get a lot of advice and information here. You will also hear a LOT of opinions on what to do to help or fix the problems with your child. Please know that we will not judge you or get mad at you for not doing whatever we said. We are not right there with you. Right there, at that moment in time, you have to do whatever is right for you and your family, period. All we can do is offer advice and ideas. We truly understand that you can only do so much. We know it takes time to get to the point where you can "Just Say No!" when this means you have to trust your child to figure out how to provide shelter and food for himself.

    (((((hugs)))))
     
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