affection

[zaftigmama]

My one son, Brownie (ADHD/ODD), never--or rarely--hugs me. Maybe his dad. It kind of breaks my heart.

His brother, Bug, is a very snuggly guy, loves hugs, cuddling...which makes sense, given he's a sensory seeker, loves deep pressure, etc, and Brownie is much more of a sensory avoider, fussy, doesn't like having a mess on his hands, etc. We say it's like having a dog (Bug) and a cat (Brownie).

It sucks when your kid doesn't really hug you except under duress (I mean, we don't force him, but sometimes I playfully ask for a hug before I'll give him a cookie, etc)--but my fear is that Brownie will think we love him less. I know he sees us snuggling and loving on his brother. I try to remember that there are different ways to show love, and bring him little things like snacks or arrange his stuffed animals in a way that will make him laugh, etc...

But I still have this image of him in the future tearfully telling us that we loved his brother more.

 

[TeDo]

Keep offering the hugs. If he refuses remember to tell him "that's fine if YOU don't want a hug." If you say that EVERY time, it will eventually sink in that HE is the one that didn't want one. Don't feel bad, even if you did hug them both you'd probably still get the "you like him best" stuff.

 

[buddy]

Any non touch signals you have with him... Do you know the ILY sign for I love you???? like the rock and roll sign with the thumb out too... lots of rockers use it now instead of the BS sign.

I admit sometimes I will too say playfully.... what will you give me (if he asks for something from me) and he finally has learned the answer is a hug or kiss or something like that. He does hug a ton now, but it is usually on HIS terms. It is still nice sometimes.

 

[lmf64]

You'll most likely get the you love him more no matter what you do, but you know that's not true. A couple more ways to show him affection; ruffle his hair when he's sitting quietly, let your hand rest on his back for a few moments, pat him (on hand, back, leg, whatever). With my oldest nephew (WHO is an aspie no matter there isn't a diagnosis) we worked out silent ways to show affection that don't involve touching him because he hates to be touched; a wink, a thumbs up, a smile, etc.

 

[crazyeights]

I don't have any awesome advice. I just wanted to say hang in there. In sucks when your child won't hug you. My difficult child 3 was/is like that. Last year when he was 6, he hugged me and kissed me good night for the first time ever. It was a huge milestone that I will never forget! And since then, he hugs more and more. Like something just clicked in him. Since he was so different than his siblings, I had to find what made him feel loved. He liked to have me sit and watch a show with him, just us. And sometimes I got to put my arm around him He liked alone time with me - like a first date. No touching, but it can still be fun

 

[StressedM0mma]

I know how you feel. difficult child used to be very snuggly and huggy. Now she rarely wants touched. When she was really depressed and anxious about a month or so ago, she did want me to get in bed and lie down with her every night. I did that for her. But other than that not so much.

 

[TerryJ2]

I know the feeling. Our difficult child loved to hug us, but we could not hug him. I could squeeze him though, and have hug/squeeze fights to see who would win. A game is one good way around it.
Also, a few times when he was ready to go out the door, I yelled from the kitchen, "Wait! Hurry! You missed one of your chores! Come here right away!" He came back in and I said, "You can't go yet. I need a hug."
He rolled his eyes and gave me a hug and I laughed. It only works a few times, but it's worth it.