afraid of myself - long - please

[trinityroyal]

he did not fail when I stepped completely out of the picture. The issues were still there. BUT the teachers and Travis had to work out solutions.

Lisa, you've hit the nail on the head.

An example from my difficult child's world, not the same but it does address the same issue:

At 14, difficult child walked up to husband and asked to have his shoes tied. And God help him, husband bent down and tied difficult child's shoes. For the longest time, difficult child was so dependent on husband that they both got into the habit of husband doing EVERYTHING. Little easy child at 2 had more independence than that.

So, I laid down the law. If difficult child's shoes were going to get tied, he was going to do it. If difficult child's nose was going to get wiped, he was going to do it.

And difficult child did. Not just tying his own shoes, but learning to cook, learning to manage his time, learning how to complete assignments in his vocational program, etc. Because he realized that no one was going to step in and rescue him anymore, so he might as well get on with it.

I get the feeling that your difficult child will step up too. It might take a few (or many) false starts, but I think he'll get there.

It's hard when you've carved out the role of "fixer" for yourself. Feeling needed is great, and gives you a sense of purpose. BUT...when you're unappreciated and running yourself ragged, then it's high time to stop.

Kjs, I apologize if I'm coming across as harsh. I don't mean to be. I just remember having to be dragged kicking and screaming away from "fix everything" mode. I also remember how good it felt to finally get off the treadmill, and that's what I'm hoping for you too.

Trinity

 

[Big Bad Kitty]

PM me nest time you are heading out to your sister's.

I live, like, 15 minutes away. You could use a break!

 

[lizzie09]

Sending you big hugs


You are overloaded with everything.
As others have said you must try to stand back...they wont die....do something anything for yourself..get help

Maybe you should see your GP as you seem to be very stresssed and rightly so..


It is often like this in families...one does everythiong and the other gets the love... I see a bit of that myself here...I would definitely be the bad guy from time to time and yet I do everything too but I have got a bit selfish lately and I also think about me


Try to hang in there...there is much better advice here than mine but I want you to know I care.

I have often said terrible things too and felt as you do when I have had enough you are not by any means the only one to get that mad. Take courage.

Whats with that older child....get him to help you or get out himself.

 

[Shari]

Kjs
***
Lots of times, I don't have the appropriate time for face to face friends. My best friend and I have learned to text message. Its wonderful. I rarely see her anymore, but we "chat" a lot. Once you learn, its not so bad to do.
***
But that aside, this place holds a lot of my friends. This is the place where people understand what life in my shoes is like. Where would I be without them? Just because I don't know their faces doesn't mean they aren't real and they aren't somebody. Without the people behind these screen names, I wouldn't have this safe place. I wouldn't have received all this support. I wouldn't have had all these friends.
***
I can't afford to lose even one. I can't afford to you lose you. If you want to reach out, pm me - I'll be a phone buddy. You may still not see a face, but you'll have a voice, and walking the road of lousy marriages and difficult child's will surely give us common ground to build on.
***
Point is, KJ, you need to find you again. You're worth it, I have no doubt. I'll help if I can!

 

[Lothlorien]

Thing is....things will fall apart for them, but will they really fall apart for you? If he fails, is it really your fault? Tell husband that he has to step in or let him take the blame. Everything should not be left for you. You shouldn't have to work two jobs, do laundry, do all school meetings, take kids to docs, clean house and grocery shop. ESPECIALLY, when your husband works one job 7 to 3??? Huh? Give him a list of stuff. If he doesn't grocery shop, then he goes hungry. If he doesn't wash his clothes, then he'll have to wear dirty clothes.

You have to let them figure things out. You aren't doing them or you any favors by doing everything yourself. You are exhausted, angry and bitter about it and it's not teaching them to do things for themselves.

Would that work in business? Micromanaging everything? Employees get paid for doing nothing because boss does everything, because boss feels that everyone else is incompetent or too lazy? It's enough to give boss a heart attack and then what? Business goes to pot because no one knows what to do. Don't give yourself a heart attack.

 

[artana]

KJS,
I was in a marriage very similar to yours, except the ex did not work. I was always the one having to do everything, plus working nights. By the end of the marriage I was close to suicidal and depressed. I felt locked in a little box that I couldn't get out of.
Years later I am in a great relationship, the ugly emotions are mostly gone, and the kids are being supported by a great man. Looking back, I realize how horrible that situation was and how much it had dehumanized me. I know you feel like you can't let things drop, like everything rests on your head...I ended up in a bankruptcy because of ex.

But, look around...if you don't have friends, it's time to drop some of the responsibility and make new friends or reconnect with old ones. Do not let yourself continue to be isolated. Having people around to cry to (no matter how embarrassing what you have to say may seem) is really really important. It's what let me take charge of my life again and it's what reminds you that you are a person that other people care about, like we on this board know you are.

 

[Marcie Mac]

Thre is an old Irish saying, I think its Irish anyway - it goes "Better the devil you know than the Devil you don't" That kind of thought process freezes us right where we stand. No matter how bad and uncomfortable we are with something, its familiar, so we stay with it, till we keel over or implode in our attempt to roll with the punches.

KJS, there are ways out of your dilemma - everyone has given some really good imput. I can so totally relate to the fact that if you have to handle one.more.thing its going to put you over the top with overload. If you feel you HAVE to fix easy child's car, do it, then put the darn thing in his name or transfer the loan over to him. If he wants a ride to work, then he needs to get that car fixed. Get an IEP for difficult child if you don't have one, and get them to make accomodations for the homework.

I know its hard to step out of the box you have built. But to survive steping out is something only you can do - you built the box now you have to dismantle it, maybe only a splinter at a time. You need to get your life back - right now you are not "living" you are only "existing" and its killing your spirit.

Marcie

 

[Star*]

I think (and I care very much about you) that you are doing MORE of a pity party NOW for yourself than you would if you just did what you KNOW you should do. (been there done that got up and left)

Did I KNOW what would become of my son? Nope - I hoped for the best, did what I could and prayed a lot. It wasn't easy, but it was better than killing myself. And difficult child adjusted - actually had I not LEFT? He'd be dead or in jail and so would I. When I was IN that relationship I couldn't see that I wasn't doing the best thing for myself which ultimately is doing the worst thing for my son. After I got to counseling, and made a plan to leave? I felt renewed. When I left I felt scared to death. A month after I left I had regrets because I was sleeping in a van with a kid and had no home, money or help. Ten years after? I own a house, 2 cars, furniture I can take out in my yard and burn if I want - clothes, and because I had my head screwed on straight I found a man that I was attracted to and was attracted to me for my bRAINs....really. The rest was just understood because I told him up front what I expected and KNEW from therapy and life what I would and would NOT tolerate.

You are a strong woman. You're a good mom. You screwed up, you said things you didn't mean. Apologize and move on. Yes, you said really bad things - WHO doesn't? They need to get OVER the ONE mistake you make in a year vs. how they treat you like a door mat and you allow them to every day.

Tell them to stop throwing stones - unless they want me to bring a dump truck of gravel to your house and have the entire CD board sit there and toss a stone at them every time they mistreat OUR friend (YOU)

Thinking about you again today - wanted to let you know.
I'm very proud of you for coming here and opening up with this - it couldn't have been easy, but it was a step in the right direction.

HUGGED ya again
Star

 

[Steely]

kjs.........
I have to agree with Star*.

You have been under this stress a long, long time. You have to make a choice of some sort, and it could mean leaving and moving into your own place temporarily.

You are not responsible for everyone. You are NOT. If difficult child and husband are so bonded, than you stepping away, would cause, inevitably husband to step up to the plate for his son. And you stepping back, would inevitably cause you to find yourself. You absolutely cannot continue on this track. What you are doing is enabling both husband and difficult child, and it is killing you.

The priveledge you have here, that some do not, is that you really can step back for awhile, or away, or what ever you decide - and husband will take over difficult children care. He really will, that is obvious. The only reason he is not doing this now, is because he knows you are always there. He is using you, consiciously or sub concsiously, he is using you. And you need to demand, that he never do this again - not even one more time. Define who you WILL be, and then let husband fill in the gaps. If that means refusing to do XYZ, then do that - if it means moving - than do that. Whatever you know you can do to finally draw the line in the sand, than do it.

Research co-dependence, and enabling. That is the dysfunction you and your family are living in. And for everyone's sake it has to stop.

You are a wonderful being, and person, created for a unique reason on this earth - and it is not to be used, abused, and over-worked by others.

 

[totoro]

Sometimes the world, our worlds fall apart when we think we are prepared. When we are not prepared. When we have wonderful husbands, when we don't. Sometimes when we are poor, or wealthy. Sometimes when we have easy child's who truly are perfect... or when we have G'sFG.
None of it matters. When we fall apart, we need to take a step back and figure out how to fix ourselves, whether that is alone or with the help of our family?
It is a hard step no matter how we do it.
No one has it any easier when they fall or break apart.
It just plain *****. It is painful, it is embarrassing, it is humbling. It is all of the things we think we are not.

We always have to be so strong as Mom's, so to admit we are capable of failing or breaking is so huge.

I sat in my very first therapist apt today, (all of my other ones have been for K) she looked at me and said, "I really can't believe you are alive and that you have waited so long to talk to someone."

I started sobbing... I basically have said F' you to everyone who has told me I needed to talk to someone for years.
Now as my life is crumbling around me. Well, we just have to do these things sometimes.
Please do something for yourself. Something positive, for you.

Hugs

 

[ML]

Dump the second job first of all. That's too much. I also encourage you to stop taking on everyone's stuff. The more you do for them the less they do for themselves. Please step back and take care of you. You are a beautiful person and I hate to see you in this place. Prayers and good thoughts xo ML

 

[Hound dog]

Sending you some extra ((((hugs)))) again today.

I used to wear that SuperMom cape myself. Mine wound up buried in the backyard somewhere. Too much work, no appreciation. bleh

We care about you kjs. You're just stretched waaaaay too thin. Time to take of of you too.

 

[Kjs]

I know you guys are right. But I am terrified.

About 12 years ago things were like this, little less difficult child though. I started walking. Every night when husband would get home I would leave. I would walk for hours. 5 - 10 miles every night. Spring, Summer, Winter. Walked in rain, snow..didn't matter.
Started going to the health club. Sometimes twice a day. (I worked days then on a rotating basis) I would spend 4 hours a day at the health club. It was the hardest thing I ever did to make myself do that. When i would walk I would meet up with a friend from work. A male friend going through similar issues. We walked and walked.
Now mind you this was only a friend relationship. He would stop by and talk with husband, his son babysat difficult child, he actually is a household friend.

At that time i felt so good. husband actually said once " you don't know how long you are really gone. difficult child misses you".

I lost a ton of weight, felt great things got so much better. Then five years ago lost my job, husband lost his job, difficult child in middle school, getting rougher. easy child had to leave college. Dad died. Had to file bancrupcy. Took on night shift jobs. Drove 100 miles a day. never saw anyone. Got this job two years ago, closer to home, good company, good benifits, better pay...lousy hours.

I stopped working out, stopped walking, stopped doing everything. Lost most contact with that friend from that job. He works days, i work nights. We would see him sometimes at the baseball field with his son. husband would see him at baseball practice and at different parks (friend was an umpire too).

Now I have no friends, put on a ton of weight and things are worse than ever. I am so tired I just have no energy to get to the gym. Yet I cannot sleep because I am so overtired I guess. Maybe stressed. Scared. More like terrified.

I sent my male friend an email a bit ago. Asked if he ever had time off if we could walk. Or even have lunch. But he went through a bout of Cancer, works a second job on his days off and the company he works for (my old company) is moving from Wisconsin/illinois border to Minneapolis. He is moving with the company. Has two months left here now. I moved with the company from Green Bay to Kenosha. easy child was 7. I would never move again like that.

I appreciate your support. Each and every response I read I KNOW you are right. I think about every reply constantly and it is giving me hope and hopefully strength to do something. Even if it is just to work out again.

I feel guilty for not replying to others. I do read, and I do have thoughts. Just not in a good state to offer any advise. I do think about you all and have been reading.

Thank you

 

[Lothlorien]

Sending you much strength.

Don't apologize for not posting. Our needs wax and wane. You'll get through this and just like Marcie, you'll be on here explaining how you got through this to someone who needs it.

 

[hearts and roses]

Baby steps, kjs, just take small baby steps until you slowly incorporate more 'me' time for yourself and are able to think more clearly. Perhaps you can begin by scheduling a 10 minute walk when you get up or perhaps at lunch or after work before coming home. Just those 10 minutes a day can help you sort out your thoughts or clear your mind so you're not jumping from one job to the next.

Sending strength and hugs~

 

[KTMom91]

Kj...been there done that in my second marriage (I'm on number 3). I ran myself ragged until I couldn't do one more thing. I was on call 24-7 with my job, Miss KT was 3 and velcroed to me when I wasn't at work, Useless Boy was not cooperating, and I'd had enough. I felt that if I had to do it all myself anyway, I was going to BE by myself.

You're doing way too much, and I know you know that. It's hard to make any changes when you're spinning around so quickly, but you need to find some way to take care of you. If that means finding a nice, quiet studio apartment for yourself, telling H to take more responsibility, or just not doing everything you've been doing, then so be it. Sending calm and quiet hugs. If you'd like a phone friend, PM me.

 

[Star*]

Well.....ya know what? (if gcv mom says chicken butt she can go to the corner)

I think if you KNEW exactly what to do? You'd be doing it. Life really does come at you fast. With JUST what has been lumped on us as a nation in the last year or so, HOW does anyone adjust to life period - the best way we can. We think our solutions will be temporary and they end up being jobs we keep for weeks, then months, then years and the next thing you know we don't even realize that we are so burned out - we aren't living, just existing.

So when the overwhelming feelings hit you because you are run down, you ARE tired, you ARE overwhelmed, you can't figure out why you could do this two years ago and yet today you are too tired - factor in that when you started that extra job 2 years ago - you only had THOSE problems up to that point....and from then to now? You've lumped on and stacked on and balanced problems like a Jenga game.

My life felt like that and from time to time I think everyone takes on too much responsibility. My WORD....You know what you could do if you had 30 minutes? Get a note pad and start writing dow everything you do from the time you wake up until the time you go to bed. When you are done with that - get husband and your difficult child to do the same. Then have a family meeting, compare lists and see if someone can't balance out the others list. Swap chores, rotate chores....

You wonder why you snapped at your family and said things you probably want to say just not maybe with THOSE exact words? You are exhausted. Don't make excuses for things you can't do - but appreciate yourself for all the things that you DO do. Write that list. Get the others to write it. And appreciate what you have been able to do for the last two years.

You want to loose weight? You enjoy walking? Start another list of WHAT I'd LIKE TO BE DOING INSTEAD OF.....what I DO DO....(not doo doo) but Do do.

When you have a moment to collect your thoughts. Sit your family down and call an official family meeting. Tell them you apologize not for WHAT you said but HOW you said it. Then tell them what you should have said was......(and fill in your own blank) then tell them after this day - it's done. Slate wiped clean. No more mention - no bringing it up in heated moments....learn how to fight fair.

I'd walk with you - um......(whistles) but not any freaking 5-10 miles....yyyyyyyyuuuuuuuuuuuuuuk. (I think)

Hugs -
Thinking of you today......