Am I a bad mom?

Discussion in 'General Parenting' started by SaraT, Oct 26, 2007.

  1. SaraT

    SaraT New Member

    I haven't been here in a while. Been fighting the school for a year and a half and it has taken all my energy.

    Now I find out that difficult child's diagnosis may be all wrong. The new doctors think it is Apergers instead of ADHD/ODD. New testing done, waiting to hear results.

    difficult child was diagnosed 6 years ago, and mood disorder(probable bi-polar) was added in 2005. I read all the books on bi-polar and ODD and have tried to follow them,especially "The Defiant Child", but difficult child has just gotten worse.

    My thinking is that if the diagnosis was wrong then I have been making difficult child worse instead of helping her. Should I have seen or known the diagnosis was wrong? Did treating her as ADHD/ODD harm her if she actually has Aspergers?

    Right now I am thinking I am a very bad mom and that I should have know something else was wrong when treatment didn't help. I have also had days where I couldn't stand difficult child because of her behavior and not knowing why she wasn't getting better. I may have been punsihing her for things she couldn't control if diagnosis is actually wrong. Talk about making a mom feel guilty!

    Anyone else been through this? And if so what do I do?
  2. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    My son, who has Pervasive Developmental Disorder (PDD)-not otherwise specified, was first diagnosed with ADHD/ODD and we treated him for THAT (it didn't work).
    His next diagnosis was bipolar and treatment for that didn't make any difference than to make him overly hungry and lethargic.
    He was 11 before he got the PDD_NOS diagnosis. He is doing great off medications and with interventions.
    You never gave up on finding the right diagnosis and that makes you Mother of the Year in my eyes :wink:
  3. Big Bad Kitty

    Big Bad Kitty lolcat

    Oh Darlin' Sara, we've ALL been there with the wrong diagnosis. the fact that you are trying to help your child, and you are fighting the school on the child's behalf, speaks VOLUMES as to what a good mom you are.

    PLEASE don't let the guilt get you down. If the doctor didn't know, how should you? You have nothing to feel guilty about. And don't stay away from here so long! Post here as often as you need to. Trust me, it has helped me immensely with guilt, discipline issues, stress, and I've gotten a bunch of laughs here as well.

    Welcome back :wink:
  4. busywend

    busywend Well-Known Member

    No way, no how!

    We all do the best we can with the best we have at the time.

    Even if things change, we still keep on plugging.

  5. trinityroyal

    trinityroyal Well-Known Member

    I second MM. You are a great mom.

    So many disorders cause our children to exhibit ADHD-like and ODD-like behaviours, and many doctors seem to gravitate to that diagnosis first. If the ADHD/ODD behaviour is masking an underlying condition, then it's really hard to tell what's going on with your child.

    My difficult child didn't get a conclusive Asperger's diagnosis until he was 14. Sometimes it can take a very long time. Once you're ared with the right information, then you can seek out the best interventions, medications, etc. for your child. We do what we can with the knowledge we have, and then we do differently when we know better.

    What you're doing is extreme parenting. It's hard, and you're doing great.

    All the best.
  6. KateM

    KateM Member

    Sara, my son was diagnosis with ADHD when he was 6.He was followed by a top-notch peds neuro, who didn't begin to suspect Aspergers til he was 13! He received the formal Aspergers diagnosis at age 14. Unfortunately, this isn't rare.

    You are a good mom. Ditto what the others have said!
  7. rejectedmom

    rejectedmom New Member

    My difficult child has had many diagnosis's also and I have even suggested autism repeatedly to his doctors. It is only recently that anyone in the professional world is taking my wonderings seriously. My son is 20 and has had many interventions and medications over the course of his life. His dominate diagnosis is ADHD. The fact is many autistics present that way. And the speach Occupational Therapist (OT) and behavioral modifications that we employed for my difficult child have certainly helped him. The medications? well most didn't help and they were removed afte a month or so. The ones that did help were used consistantly. I do not believe I hurt my son with having an improper diagnosis and I don't think there was any interventions we missed. The only thing that might have played out differently and that is a big MIGHT HAVE is his prison sentance. So stop beating yourself up and just go on from here. -RM
  8. 'Chelle

    'Chelle Active Member

    Bad mom? My answer --- NO!!! You work with what you have, and at the time that is what you believed her diagnosis was. You're here looking for more help and support for yourself and her. You continue to search for what will help her grow. in my opinion that's what a good mom does. Try not to beat yourself up over trying things that didn't work, or going with a doctor who you trust should know. We have to continue to try new things until we do find the thing that does work. I don't think treating her for those disorders would have done her harm, other than medications may not have been needed. You work to correct the behaviors they display, and her behaviors aren't any different no matter what the label. The correct label can point to strategies that work better.

    My difficult child had no diagnosis from age 7 to 10, though I did take him to tdocs and psychiatrist, and therapist continued right until 14. The schools said it was all behavioral and treated him as such. Things were just going from bad to worse and I started looking for any kind of help. The therapist mentioned maybe ODD, googled that and found this site. After reading here and advice from members, I finally decided this is not right, had him reassessed, and he got his Pervasive Developmental Disorder (PDD) diagnosis just before he turned 11. It turned out that everything the school did was the wrong thing. With the diagnosis and proper approach, he's doing so much better. Still struggles with school, he will always detest it, but at least now he goes and tries and doesn't have meltdowns that cause him to be sent home 3 out of 5 days. I have had a few times where I've said to myself "if only I'd done this..." but not too many. Can't change the past, and difficult child is ok, despite any mistakes I made.
  9. flutterbee

    flutterbee Guest

    Nope. No-way. No-how. Nuh-uh.

    You have been fighting for your child. When the professionals told you something, you went out and learned about it and went to work helping your child.

    You are a great mom.
  10. meowbunny

    meowbunny New Member

    If you were a bad mom, her diagnosis would still be ADHD/ODD. Possible BiPolar (BP) wouldn't have been added. Aspergers wouldn't have even been considered. A bad mom wouldn't care that her child was misdiagnosed and that she may have been reacting incorrectly because of bad information. A bad mom wouldn't be questioning any of this.

    So, I guess you have to be a GREAT mom who is doing the best she can under very trying circumstances. Don't beat yourself up for thinking you had some answers. As time goes on, psychiatry grows. Remember, at one time there was no such thing as bipolar for children (they just hit 18 and magicallly developed it!?!). Any form of high-functioning autism is hard to diagnosis. It mimics so many other disorders. You're doing great.

    One of the wonderful things about kids are they are resilient. They can and do survive much worse than something like following a book by Dr. Riley. I'm not a fan of his but his methods won't kill a child. I think using Riley's methods is begging for defeat with a true ODD child. They're more likely to pretend nothing you do matters and do anything and everything they can to make YOU more miserable. The fact it hurts them, too, doesn't seem to register. I think it probably does less harm for an aspie -- their world is black and white; they may not like what you're doing but at least they know what to expect. That's a good thing in their minds.

    Now, quit beating yourself up, pick up the pieces and go back to loving your daughter the best you can. You've done a good job so far.
  11. Marguerite

    Marguerite Active Member

    We don't do any courses to become parents. Those who diagnose our kids have studied at university and also put in long hours working under supervision in their field before they're let loose on their own.

    So if THEY don't get pilloried for getting it wrong, why beat up on yourself?

    Besides, guilt slows you down. The important thing is now, and adapting to deal with this new information.

    Move on. Be angry, but do not blame yourself. These things happen.

  12. Star*

    Star* call 911

    Bad Mothers do not possess the courage to continually seek out the best possible treatment for their children. Bad Mothers do not put their kids into Residential Treatment Center (RTC)'s when the child is a danger to himself or others. Bad Mother's don't care, have concern for the future of their children. Bad Mother's are more concerned about having their immediate needs met than their children's.

    Bad Mothers exist. Bad Fathers exist. Bad parents exist. Even bad grandparents.

    I don't count you among one of them. I've had experience with all the above - your qualifications to be a bad parent fall very short of the mark making you a good parent.

    I HOPE YOUR HAPPY - <span style="color: #CC9933">GOOD</span> Mom

  13. SaraT

    SaraT New Member

    Thanks all.

    I was just having a bad day yesterday and just needed a "friendly kick in the pants" I guess. :smile:

    Support greatly appreciated, warrior armor back on. :warrior:
  14. Big Bad Kitty

    Big Bad Kitty lolcat

    No, darlin. Not a kick in the pants.

    You were feeling bad, and we all do from time to time. You needed some hugs and reassuring. And that's what you got.

    We moms get enough kicks in the pants, thank you very much!
  15. meowbunny

    meowbunny New Member

    It really is okay to feel sad and have doubts. We all do at times. I'm glad you're feeling better today.

    I really hope you didn't feel you were being kicked in the rear and felt the caring and love that was being sent your way. Just in case,

  16. SaraT

    SaraT New Member

    Oops, by a "friendly kick in the pants" I meant it in a good way.

    Sorry about the confusion. It was meant as a "I needed that" thing. A moral support boot so to speak. :smile:

    It was just what I needed to get me out of my funk.

    Thanks again all.