Am I hitching a free ride?

[dstc_99]

Ok so as the daughter of a bipolar schizophrenic who used to be extremely intelligent I have a different point a view.

If EX does these things and life stays normal for a while then why not work together. Personally I think ex does too much but if there are things that can be done easily why not assist. Let's say you take on helping him pay bills? It's easy enough. Take a trip to the bank every week with him and pay them. You aren't paying the bills for him you are just assisting. That assistance allows ex to breathe a little and you to help in a way that isn't overwhelming.

I look at it like this. My mom can't do certain things. Paying bills, driving long distances, and remembering things are hard. She would need assistance with those things no matter what because of her illness. I would be willing to assist with some of it but not all of it. I also wouldn't do it for her. Mainly because she would resent me taking away her abilities. I also know I resent my brother for never helping. He has a masters in finance from NYU but won't assist with money matters.

Here's the thing you have a stepson who is mentally disabled. His illness will have ups and downs. Nothing he does will change that. He may need some assistance. You and your hubby should decide if and what you are willing to give.

Ps the ex is over assisting big time. I'm not saying to go that far. I'm suggesting you could pick an area and help there.

 

[hopeandjoy66]

I guess for me and husband we have done a lot of contemplating about this. Who will pay his bills, wash his clothes buy his groceries when husband and EX are no longer around. Why can't he do these things? It is because he can't or just doesn't want to? We had things set up where his bills are being paid and money looked after but then he chooses to start drugs or becomes not medication compliant and he demands control of all his finances once again. The reality is, he really doesn't know what the consequences are if he doesn't do the responsibilities that are day to day living requires. He hasn't had to. I know a few people that are bipolar that lead very responsible lives, but what they do that our difficult child doesn't do is recognizes the signs when his mental state starts to change,or doesn't want to. I think it is the later. It is pointed out to him and suggested that he should see a doctor for a medication check or go and see the psychiatrist, but he refuses to take heed at all. He has never followed up after hospitalization with the out program with counseling. He is even dropped off at these places and then goes in and says he is feeling fine or doesn't speak at all. My goodness, he has to want some of these things for himself but he really doesn't care. To us having him go through the act of learning to be responsible now will hopefully have him learn some very tough lessons before his parents are no longer alive. He has a sister that also believes he needs to take responsibility for his life. I think it would be shameful as parents, that these huge hurdles were left to his sister (who has a family to deal with) just because we(as parents) like how things run smoothly when we take on all his responsibilities. I wouldn't wish that on my worst enemy, because it will be a hell to go through for everyone involved. Isn't it our responsibility as a parent is to make and want our children to be independent as possible. I also believe there is a huge difference between being bipolar and someone who is schizophrenic. My husband has a nephew that is 38 and schizophrenic, you can't even compare these two. I have dealt with depression for the last 20 years and sometimes very severe, but I have learned to deal with it. Recognize the signs when things are changing and get help even if it is the last thing I feel like doing.
All this of course is just my opinion although my therapist also seems to agree one hundred percent on our evaluation of things.I do believe at times there is a fine line between helping and enabling. We will likely stand true to the boundaries that we have set, although the true test will be the next time the sh t hits the fan and there WILL be a next time.

 

[recoveringenabler]

hopeandjoy, I come from a family of major mental illness. My sister is bi-polar and is an artist who is actually quite successful. My brother is a schizophrenic who lived on the streets of L.A. for many, many years. My other brother and I got him on disability and got him a room in a sort of flop house apartment house 25 years ago where he still lives today. He can handle the life he is in, without supervision. My daughter is 42 and essentially homeless, presently couch surfing. So I am tuned in to just how capable mentally ill people can be or can't be. What I see is that unless they are psychotic and/or are so tuned out as to not know right from wrong, there has to be a certain willingness to handle their own lives. Without that, there is nothing anyone else can do. There is just so much help one can offer and there is a point where you become aware that there is nothing else you can do. The choice is yours to make as to how much you are wanting to involve yourself...........there is no right or wrong answer, we each have to make the choices necessary where we can live with ourselves peacefully. Once you know in your heart you've done your best, once you realize that nothing you do or don't do is going to make any difference, then, in my estimation, it is time to let go.

Each of us has to make that determination for ourselves. Some of us will determine that helping is the "right" thing to do for them, some of us will define the exact same behavior as enabling. We are only human, we can only do what we believe to be the right thing for us. It doesn't mean it is the right thing for everyone. There is no one size fits all around here.

For me it was right to let go, to detach, to accept what I can't change and let go of the suffering that went along with that. It has worked well for me. It may not work well for everyone and only they can decide on their course of action. It sounds to me as if you have done everything you can do. What your husbands ex does and what your step son does is out of your control. I support you standing strong in the boundaries you set.

 

[Scent of Cedar *]

I do believe at times there is a fine line between helping and enabling

Yes, I think so, too.

Recovering Enabler described the difference for us on a thread some time back. She teaches that, when we find ourselves resenting the help we are giving, that is how we can know we are enabling.

I find that to be true.

Enabling would be putting something back together again.

Enabling would be putting something back together again because we cannot face disappointing our kids, or cannot face having our kids or ourselves think we are not good parents, or good, kind people. This is a big one, as all our kids use it. (Elderly parents ~ anyone who wishes to manipulate us, really ~ can use this technique. When we find ourselves asking what kind of mother, person, daughter, son would think like this, or when we find ourselves feeling better about ourselves once we have fixed everything for the kids, that is another way to know we are trapped in enabling behaviors or mindsets.

Guilt is a big piece of enabling. It is guilt we assuage when we enable.

Enabling feels like a burden. Legitimately growing our kids up involves age-appropriate planning and budgeting and teaching them lessons about money and credit and safety and lifeskills.

Enabling always comes down to a bucket of money.

It wasn't budgeted or planned for.

However much money we have or do not have, enabling is a sacrifice because the event was not budgeted ~ not in money, and not in that precious, irreplaceable commodity, time.

We begin to resent the kids, but we feel duty bound to get them back on track.

We begin losing respect for our own children.

That is when we know we are caught in enabling ~ but I have to say again that enabling isn't a sickness, it isn't some character weakness. We are in impossible situations. Whatever our children have done, they are our children. It is a very hard thing to relearn how to think about the role of the parent. Yet, the evidence does seem to indicate that learning detachment parenting, learning to love them and believe in them and leave their lives up to them is perhaps the only correct response to a hopelessly complex situation. We all dreamed, not only of who and how our children would be, but of who we would be, as parents. All those dreams, not just the dreams we dreamed for our children, but those we dreamed for ourselves, too, have to be trashed as we awaken to the reality of what is required to parent a difficult child child.

It is a huge first step to realize we did not do this to our children.

Once we can see that true thing, then we can let guilt go and approach what is happening to our kids with our eyes open.

But that is an impossible thing to do without support. (I am so thankful for this site.)

So, that's what I have to say about enabling.

I think the best words I know how to pronounce today are: "You are strong enough to do this. I don't know how it's all going to work, but I know you will make the right choices and you will be fine. I am proud of you. You are a good son (or daughter) and I know you can do this."

Well, that and "NO MONEY."

You have to say that in advance, so you can stick to it when the bad times come.

Recognize the signs when things are changing and get help

This is great advice for all of us. Where our difficult child kids are concerned, I mean. We need to come here and review what's coming and set our sights on surviving it.

We will likely stand true to the boundaries that we have set, although the true test will be the next time the sh t hits the fan and there WILL be a next time.

You will get stronger and more certain the longer you are here with us.

Cedar

P.S. And you also have to say, when times are good and the child has an apartment, that they cannot live permanently at home ever again.

That way you cannot be guilted into doing something you don't want to do.

Pogo was right. We are our own worst enemies.

 

[BusynMember]

Schizophrenia means you can not tell reality from hallucinations and if he had it, he'd be in and out of hospitals, sure that he was being talked about on television (common hallucination), hear voices in his head and be unable to function at all.

I have a mood disorder and it's pretty bad and I'm sorry. People with mood disorders can learn to treat and deal with them, can work, and do not need parents to do everything for them. If he is VERY bad, then he would be eligible for Disability and other services. Doing everything for him will only make him worse. Even in psychiatric hospitals and homes for the mentally ill, and I'm not convinced he is t hat bad, the residents HAVE to make their beds, clean their rooms, share cooking, do chores, etc. It is recognized as not a good thing for anyone's mental illness if they are not accountable for anything. With time therapy, the right medication, and NO EXTRA RECREATIONAL DRUG USE, most people can get better, even schizophrenics.

You are right that we can't live forever. They have to have outside supports for the longterm if they truly are disabled. But they also have to apply for disability, go through testing to determine if they ARE disabled (they will him somewhere for an evaluation) and then you find out what the verdict is.

All in all, if your son is not schizophrenic or psychotic in any way, he knows where to get help and he has to and can do it. He may not want to do it, but he can.

Hugs for your hurting heart!!!