Am I wrong for not wanting to bring the baby to jail?

Discussion in 'Substance Abuse' started by PatriotsGirl, Nov 6, 2014.

  1. PatriotsGirl

    PatriotsGirl Well-Known Member

    I seriously do not want to do this to him. He is 14 months. He will not understand why he is mother is behind glass and cannot hold him or touch him. I think that would be very traumatic for the baby.

    I really don't care about her wanting to see him. She should have thought about that before she went back to the life of drugs. Yeah - by the way - we found her dirty lighter under our couch with a corner on the bottom of it burnt. We are assuming it was her drug lighter. One time my behind...
  2. pasajes4

    pasajes4 Well-Known Member

    I think I would not take him at this time. That decision might change at some later date, but for now trust your gut. Things are too raw right now.
  3. toughlovin

    toughlovin Well-Known Member

    PG. I am so sorry you are going through this. I would be so so angry too. I do believe it is hard to understand the pull of drugs for an addict and why they would throw it all away to get high. My only sense of it is my own addiction to sugar which I dont think even comes close.

    I think right now you need to follow your gut and do what is right for you and Connor. After some time you may feel differently and then you can do differently. But right now take care of you and your wonderful grandson!
  4. donna723

    donna723 Well-Known Member

    I wouldn't take him now. Like you said, he wouldn't understand why his mother was behind glass and couldn't touch him or hold him. Taking him now would be for HER benefit, not HIS. She needs to realize that one of the consequences of the bad choices she's making is that she will be separated from her child.
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  5. 2much2recover

    2much2recover Well-Known Member

    Your instincts on Connor coming first are right on. I agree, there is no reason to take a child to visit their parent in jail (at this age)
  6. PatriotsGirl

    PatriotsGirl Well-Known Member

    Thank you Donna - that is exactly how I feel.
  7. Kathy813

    Kathy813 Well-Known Member Staff Member

    I would consider it down the road if she is eventually in a place where she could hold him and be close to him. But for now, you are absolutely correct that he would not understand why he couldn't touch her and it would be so confusing for him.

    I also agree with Donna that she needs to feel the pain of losing her child at least for the time being.

  8. donna723

    donna723 Well-Known Member

    A regular prison wouldn't be quite so bad because the visiting is done differently. But a jail is no place for a baby to be. They are noisy and sometimes chaotic and can be very frightening for a small child.
    Last edited: Nov 6, 2014
  9. Lil

    Lil Well-Known Member

    If the jail she is in is no-contact, behind glass, like you said, I also agree. I can't imagine a baby patting on the glass wanting mama to hold him. That's just beyond sad. I might send her or give her some photos, but I would not take him either. Prayers for you all.
  10. GuideMe

    GuideMe Active Member

    too soon
  11. Don't. I am not sure why she relapsed but she never had any counseling quitting the drugs. She was a severe case before her pregnancy and if she should have gone the normal path it would have been some kind of sober living environment for a period before she engaging in personal relationships.

    It could be her way to say a final goodbye and the employees cannot be around 24/7.

    As long as there is something outside the walls she wants to see there is a slight motivation for her to stay alive and get out at some point. So keep her motivated by not letting her see Connor.
  12. Signorina

    Signorina Guest

    I would make sure you get the signed guardianship papers before you do anything. If that means you let he know that you won't consider visitation until after she signs: so be it. If you have to bribe her to sign the papers by bringing c to see her, it may be worth it.

    The baby is her only "currency" right now and I would try to stay neutrally calm to her until you know you have guardianship. Use the phrases to detach - the noncommittal ones "let me think about it", "I'll have to check w dad", "I'm not sure of my schedule"

    Part of me is concerned she will use the baby as collateral - so I would secure guardianship/custody asap and try to avoid engaging her until it's secure.
  13. Tiredof33

    Tiredof33 Active Member

    When my difficult child was in two separate programs there were families bring children. They were not behind bars and it was a safe environment.

    I also vote for the no baby visiting a jail. Maybe that will make her want to get herself into a program, so she can have contact with her baby.
  14. PatriotsGirl

    PatriotsGirl Well-Known Member

    Right now she is in county jail - same one she was in before. When you visit, it is through a glass window on a phone. They are literally in the jail - you can see part of the main part in the background and the little glass wall visiting windows are on what appears to be a second floor. We used to watch her walk up the stairs to the visitation area. It was awful. No, I am not doing that to him... :(

    She is not safe to be around him and she will have to do the work to get him back - without any help from us. We will see how badly she wants to be a mother. Either way, Connor will be safe, loved and happy.
  15. pasajes4

    pasajes4 Well-Known Member

  16. stressedmama

    stressedmama Active Member

    I agree...don't take him. We waited to let our difficult child see our grandson for 50 days. He's 3 and really wasn't ready. Waiting was absolutely the right move for our family. She was at the halfway house and met outside to play for about 20 minutes then we packed him up and took him home. I think he was relieved to see mommy in good health and actually happy and smiling and interactive with him.

    By the way, we got emergency guardianship...didn't need parents to sign anything. A week or 2 later, there was a hearing. Neither parent showed (mom was in rehab and dad lives out of state) so it was granted. There will be another hearing months down the road to see if she's ready to take care of him, etc but I'm pretty sure she'll still be at the half-way house (it's a 1-yr program as long as she follows the rules, etc) so he will continue to be with us until WE feel she's ready. And even then, it will be baby steps as she doesn't plan on moving back to the town we live in. Day visits, then an overnight, then whole weekend, etc. No way we are going to turn his world completely updside down all at once. It would mean new home, new daycare, not seeing us nearly as often.

    I wish you all the best. I feel your pain and am right there with you. This taking care of toddler stuff was so much easier 20+ years ago!!

  17. PatriotsGirl

    PatriotsGirl Well-Known Member

    It is so tiring...sometimes it is a LOT. But I know I got to keep on keeping on. I have the papers signed and will be filing them at the courthouse this afternoon.

    I had a glimmer of hope when I saw her in jail but then she called the next day and one of the things she said when we talked about rehab was "look how well that worked out last time". Um, she never even gave it 30 days!! Let's take a look at how not going to rehab has worked for her...ugh. She obviously needs more time to think. She honestly thinks she is going to get out after going to court and just get a job, finish community service, etc. I told her the first thing she needs to do is go to the homeless shelter so she can apply for benefits. Her response was that she is not going to a f'n homeless shelter. I reminded her that she is NOT coming here.

    Saturday night Connor decided at 3:30 in the morning that he didn't want to be sleeping in bed anymore. I was so exhausted on Sunday. She tried calling but I did not answer this time. I was not in the mood to talk to her and it certainly would not have been a pleasant conversation.

    She had me to help with Connor when she was here. I only have me. Sure grampa and uncle watch him so I can shower but that is not much of a break for me. Our lives have been taken away as we knew it and it is HER fault. I don't care what the excuse is (she says she was self medicating - uh huh). The fact is that I don't even sleep with my husband anymore because Connor has bad separation anxiety from all of this and we don't want to put him through too much trauma. We have a baby - ALL of the time except for when he is in daycare. So many little things I used to be able to do that I can't anymore. And I do resent her for it. All because she can't stay off the dope.

    But I look at that little face smiling at me and blowing everyone kisses and I KNOW we are doing the right thing. <3 It just gets overwhelming at times...
  18. 2much2recover

    2much2recover Well-Known Member

    Is there ANYONE else you can talk to in the system to help get your message through to difficult child that she will not be returning to your home? How will you prevent her from just showing up and expecting to be let back in? Now is the time to make the plans that hold the boundary you have laid down.

    Taking on the raising of such a young one is a HUGE sacrifice and while I hazard a guess that you were at least doing half the work when difficult child was there I can only imagine how hard (but rewarding) it must be to have to step in and be the main caregiver. Kudos to you for handling it - it shows that you ARE a great mom and the reality of how much maturity your difficult child daughter needs to reach.

    Just wanted to support you in all that you are doing, say that you are doing a great job and give you a few ideas to think about how to handle difficult child's release from jail.
  19. pasajes4

    pasajes4 Well-Known Member

    Your feelings are totally understandable. It is so unfair of our kids throw everyone into chaos because of their choices. I would be mad as hades. Perhaps taking a break from phone calls and visits are needed for your mental health.
  20. stressedmama

    stressedmama Active Member

    Even tho we told our difficult child she was not welcome home, she truly did not believe we would actually go through with it. My husband called the detox facility, the temp rehab she was in, her, everyone he could possible talk to to let them know she had no safe place to go. It took a lot of drilling and a lot of calls on our part to finally get someone to realize she really didn't have anywhere to go and someone needed to help her find a long term facility for her to go to. What a relief it was to get the call from her that she got into the half-way house. We really thought she was going to show up at our doorstep when the rehab released her. The key was to let as many people know as possible she could not come home and that if someone would finally step up, there was a decent person under all the addiction crap that could be saved.

    I know you are exhausted, stressed and afraid of the many unknowns with your daughter, and your grandson. Have faith that as he gets a little older, the separation anxiety will diminish. I am the main caregiver of our GS as well but now that he's a little older, my husband takes him on "adventures" that only boys are allowed to go on (cute!). It's just a car ride to the store or something, but it's a chance for me to have a little breather. Maybe your husband could try something like that - even if it's just a car ride and the baby sleeps the whole time!