And I'm officially done being a parent.

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by SeaGenieTx, Jan 2, 2016.

  1. SeaGenieTx

    SeaGenieTx Active Member

    Decided to post this in Parent Emeritus instead of substance abuse because my son is over 18 and drugs are no longer just the issue.

    My son will be 24 this year (2016) and I've exhausted ALL efforts to have a relationship with him. I'm done being a parent, I did my job.

    I raised this boy from 2 months until now and it's been nothing but a struggle with this kid. All thru school he just seemed hell bent on causing problems and creating chaos. I stuck up for him and defended him when his teachers and principals called complaining about him. He was labeled ADHD before anyone knew what that was, he was on the Ritalin, Adderal, it was all just a nightmare for me as a mother.

    He was placed in Special Education classes because of his ADHD, managed to graduate high school and then that's where it all went downhill. In trouble with the law, smoking pot, being defiant, quitting jobs, getting fired from jobs... it just never ended with this kid.

    I kicked him out numerous times only to feel bad and let him back in, things got worse, kicked him out for good then tried to re-establish some sort of relationship to let him know his mother loved him but he had to grow up and fend for himself.

    Lies, legal problems, verbal abuse, more lies, it just never ends. This kid of mine has issues I cannot help him with and no matter what I do, he retaliates against me and blames me for everything.

    I made one last effort tonight to reach out to my son, as a mother who would do anything for my child and who literally sacrificed 23 years to try and steer him onto the right track, I was once again slapped in the face.

    I asked my son to have dinner with me. He was excited, showed up on time but when he showed up, begged me to buy a new battery for his car that he was having problems with. Said he needed it because he is starting a new job on Monday as a plumber's apprentice. So while I'm hungry and wanting to go to dinner, I agree to buy him a new battery for his car. STUPID ME. He was all nice when he showed up, but quickly asked me if I'd do him a favor and buy him a new car battery.

    After spending over $100 on a new battery (his Christmas present since I didn't get him anything for Christmas) we then go to dinner. As we are eating he starts berating me (sp?) for kicking him out of th house, then he goes on and on about how I constantly "rag" on him about his pot smoking, and from there the conversation just went totally downhill. Before I knew what was happening his mood went from being nice too "I hate you" within seconds.

    My son obviously hates me for all of HIS problems, still has ZERO respect for me, and does not appreciate anything I do for him at all. This was my last gesture.... I'm officially done being a parent.

    I will never be able to trust this kid, rely on him when I might need him one day, he will never change, he will lie until his last breath.

    As I paid for our nice dinner, he sat agitated, got up and walked out of the restaurant ahead of me, held the door open for me like he was doing me a huge favor and then he race walked to his car, got in and took off. He was saying condescending things to me as he walked away. I was just shocked... I got in my car and cried the whole way home.

    When I got home I packed up all the photos of us/him, put them away. Went into his old room and packed up several boxes of his things, then just sat and told myself this is it. My son has serious mental issues. His teachers and my friends always mentioned this to me but I always defended my son but now I truly see he has a screw loose. Something is wrong with him. His wiring is off. The drugs and partying - that's a whole other issue but I honestly see, there is something OFF with my son. It scares me and I am just done trying to have a relationship with this kid.

    All I do for him and to yell at me and blame me and treat me the way he does.... it's abusive and troubling. I see the signs, he has serious anger issues and I'm afraid he will do something really crazy. He is not right in the head. I tried talking to him and he just went off on this tangent... he hates me so at this point. I AM DONE.

    For my sanity and safety - I'm done and cutting off all contact. I tried, my son is no longer my son. He has become sadistic in the way he treats me and I need to get as far away as I can. Makes me sick he's become like this. I'm already heartbroken, now I'm just numb.

    How can anyone be this evil towards their own mother? I was simply trying to have a nice dinner with my son and I was used and abused and then left at the curb of the restaurant with my head spinning.

    I'm done. This time I am 100 percent, totally done with this kid. I have never in my life ever known or met anyone as ungrateful as my own son. I give up.
    Last edited: Jan 2, 2016
  2. SeaGenie,

    I'm sorry to hear that your son treated you so badly. It's very painful to take a break, but I think this will be better for you in the long run. He might have a mental illness or it might be the effects of the drugs. Addicts can be really mean and selfish.

    Hang in there
  3. ColleenB

    ColleenB Active Member

    I am so sorry for how hurt your heart must be.

    Take care,
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  4. Copabanana

    Copabanana Well-Known Member

    Hi Seagenie

    You are in the same boat as many of us. The expectation of a nice visit is not a realistic one. I am sorry.

    I have limited my contact with my own son to the circumstances that I can control. That is pretty much at this point limited to phone calls that he initiates. He has accepted my rules. No endless complaining. No conspiracy theories. No abuse. Talking about something that is of interest to the both of us.

    He has not asked for anything in months, now.

    I do not ask for more, either. This is all I can tolerate. I hope it changes. It is out of my hands. It may or may not.

    I am sorry for how it hurts. For you and for me. For all of us. We can control our expectations. For now, I expect only courtesy and respect from my son. Not companionship. Not even love. I am no longer sad now that I am taking responsibility for what I want and don't want.

    It is a different way of thinking. I was a single mom too. My son is my only child. I felt sorry for myself because he was all I had. I no longer see it that way. I have myself and anything more I am willing to be open to. And to insist upon.

    Keep posting. It helps.

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  5. Hopeful97

    Hopeful97 Active Member

    Seagenie, I am so sorry for your pain. I know how heartbreaking it is, my son is 18 and the scenario sounds very much like what we are going through. My son also suffers from mental illness and does not want help, that is his choice as hard as that is to hear and eventually accept. It is heartbreaking how our difficult children speak to us and treat us, especially mothers. It seems as if we get the blame for everything. It is also unacceptable to be spoken to and treated like that. I am finding in my own situation that distance seems to be the only answer right now. Please know that we care and keep posting it helps tremendously.

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  6. Acacia

    Acacia Active Member

    All I can say right now is boy can I relate and totally understand how a parent can reach this point. I am close to there myself.
    Stay strong.
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  7. New Leaf

    New Leaf Well-Known Member

    Hi Sea, I am so very sorry for this.
    You have reached out to your son before, as a loving mom, and had similar results.
    It is devastating.
    Sometime there is a little glimmer of hope inside our mommy hearts, a wish, a memory, or the holidays, birthday, full moon, many things can have us yearning for our d c's, we end up trying just one more time.....I am so sorry it turned out this way again for you.

    I am looking at it this way with my two. They have proven through their actions that I am nothing more than an "opportunity" to them. Be it drugs, mental challenges or a combo, there is no loving, caring, balance in our relationship.
    At this point, I just don't trust them. I have to ready myself for when I do have contact again (they are still "punishing" me with no contact) to be on my guard.
    It is sad, but this is the reality of the situation with my two, for now. It may change, but it will take a lot for them to prove they have changed, for me to be able to trust them again.

    You are not stupid, Sea, just a loving Mom wanting a relationship with your son.

    It takes time to figure stuff out, to stop letting our hearts overrule our heads.

    You will be okay.
    You need to do what it takes to protect yourself, your heart.

    All things change with time Sea.
    Don't give up on your son, just know for now, as long as he mistreats you, backing way off and taking a break may be in your best interest.

    Holding you in my thoughts and prayers for peace of mind and heart.

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  8. daywithkitten

    daywithkitten New Member

    I know you're hurting. It almost brought me to tears to read your story. Whats a mother to do. It sounds like you've seeker professional help for his problems, but my thoughts were while I was reading was ... are you sure he's on the right medication for his mental illness? I'm no doctor, but perhaps he's not suffering from ADHD at all. Perhaps the ADHD is a side effect of his true sickness. He doesn't know any other way to release his pent up hostility other than to go into attack mode.
    I do agree you should shorten his communications with you. Its hurting you too much to hear all these hateful things.
    You'll be okay. We are all listening.
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  9. Quicksand

    Quicksand Active Member

    I feel your pain. My son abuses drugs and has mental illness, which he blames on us (husband and I- but mostly me) - I had my son out of wedlock and my husband adopted him when he was almost 3 and we have a daughter also.
    He will not accept responsibility for any of his actions, it's all because of our "abusive" home. We were not perfect, but we did not abuse our children. His choices have led him to be 23 years old, 2 drug felonies, no car, no place to live (that I'm aware of) and few friends. We have loved him and tried to give and do everything possible to help him. There have been times where he's said: I'm so lucky I have you guys and I appreciate everything you do for me. These words come from him when he's being fully supported by us. Things changed when , for the last time he was here, in our home and we tried to talk to him about some drug behavior that was disruptive to the family. He lost his mind and became belligerent and shouting at us. After hours of this, My husband stood up and told him to stop or he was going to knock his block off. Not the best choice on hubs part but, jeeze.. How much do we have to put up with? He left our house and hasn't been back. He sent texts saying: you are s$it parents, f you, just pretend that I don't exist. I heard from him on Thursday when he totaled his car and we didn't jump to fix it for him. I did offer him a ride to therapy, that's all. I guess that made him pretty angry.. I looked at my phone last night and here's the text he sent:
    What kind of mother uses emotional blackmail against their children and allows them to be abused. You're a sick human and evil just like your mom. I don't forgive you for anything.
    I had to look up "emotional blackmail" and I really don't get where he's coming from with that. I didn't respond and I'm not going to engage in these lies.
    Just want to let you know, by my story, that you are not alone! This is hell, but the folks here can help you learn loving detachment and caring for yourself. They've helped me immensely. I love my son, but his manipulative cruelty is something I'm not going to carry. I believe he's feeling desperate and is trying to start a dialog with me where in the past, I would have engaged him and tried to rescue him because I do believe he has emotional pain, and we want to help him, but it's not because we abused him and his behavior gets worse the more we do for him. Just know, you are understood and we are out here, at your side.. Hugs
    (Just noticed, you aren't new here.. You already know about all of the love on this board!)
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    Last edited: Jan 3, 2016
  10. New Leaf

    New Leaf Well-Known Member

    Sea, it is a new day, I hope you are feeling a little bit better, dear, day by day, one step at a time. Sending hugs and warm heartfelt wishes for you to be able to relax and breathe, and start anew to restrengthen and rebuild. You have come so very far in your journey. I know what happened with your son, must feel like a giant slap, and you are probably still reeling from the sting of it. I just wanted to check in, let you know I am here, and praying for you to recover, and step out, stronger and more determined to live your life to the fullest.

    THAT is really the best thing we can do for our d cs, show them by our own example, by really, really living life large, how wonderful, and beautiful life can be.
    I found this song and I think I am going to make it my anthem for this New Year.
    It is symbolic of my recovery from the years of devastation from my d cs.

    We are soldiers at war, we have broken down walls, we define our lives, we design our lives

    I will not be drawn into the cycle of drama with my two, to the detriment of my health, my sanity.
    I have a life to live, and intend to LIVE it!

    To our recovery, and finally stopping the enmeshment and downward spiral with our d c's. Here's to concentration on building up and really living.
    Our d c's need to respect us, and our right to live decent, healthy, non- dramatic, chaotic lives.

    If that is their choice, so be it.

    Maybe my monkeys, but so NOT, my circus!!!!!!!

  11. SeaGenieTx

    SeaGenieTx Active Member

    Thanks guys, what hurts the most (and it literally makes me sick to my stomach) is just how deliberately manipulative and cruel he has become towards me. I totally felt set up last night but it's my fault, I should have left well enough alone. Lesson learned.

    I've tried SO friggin hard to stay positive, focus on myself, be the adult and bigger person and let my son know I love him, while detaching, but he hates me for kicking him out so he is going to punish me and hurt me for it endlessly. He literally set me up last night to suck me in then kick me in the head and leave. No thank you for helping him or taking him to a beautiful dinner (which was ruined), just a "I'm going to use you for a new car battery and nice dinner then "f" you Mom - see ya!".

    I've always said "When someone shows you who they are the first time believe them". Need to take my own advice. I'll be ok - just feeling totally bruised and defeated. Does it even pay to be nice to people anymore? Everytime I do I just get taken advantage of and betrayed. I'm sick of it. I don't want to become bitter and selfish but maybe having that attitude for a while will save me intense pain.

    Thanks for listening - my son truly showed me the worst side of him that I've ever seen and all I hope is karma comes and kicks his little butt and he suffers some truly hard knocks in life so he will become a nicer person. He is on his own. He won't get a damn thing from me ever again. It's a death in my book and I will grieve but survive the loss and move on with my life starting today.
  12. New Leaf

    New Leaf Well-Known Member

    Sea, it is natural for us to want to have relationships with our children. He is your only son, please, don't be so hard on yourself for trying, it shows your endless capacity for love and hope. He is young, there is a great chance he will change. It just doesn't seem so now. Drugs can sure make our d cs extraordinarily, mean, selfish and cruel. Take good care of yourself, and do kind things for you. There are some unkind folks out there, for sure, who will take advantage of nice people, but there are still good folks in the world, who follow the golden rule, and treat others with respect. You will be okay. This is all so very hard. You are a fighter, always have been. You will get through this, one day at a time. Take care, dear, and know that you are not alone {{{{HUGS}}} leafy
  13. toughlovin

    toughlovin Well-Known Member

    Sea, Oh I feel for you right now. It is so hard to see our sons behave so badly and to be so cruel and unfeeling towards us.

    It makes sense to me that right now you keep your distance and to not contact him. He treated you horribly after you did some very nice things for him. And he is 24, technically an adult and so you don't need to parent him anymore.

    However I don't think you need to think about this as a forever thing.....maybe right now it feels like forever but he is still young (same age as my son) and things change. Drugs do all sorts of things to people and their personalities.

    But yes for now there is nothing you can really do until he can take responsibility for his own behavior which right now he is not doing.

    Definitely spend this time taking care of yourself.

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  14. SeaGenieTx

    SeaGenieTx Active Member

    Leafy - thank you!! It's extra hard for me not having family support. I'm alone to deal with this. My son knows this and uses it to his advantage which to me is just cruel. I have a close friend but he doesn't understand. His two sons are college grads, have successful jobs and families - little perfect world for him. My life is totally opposite. I've dealt with loss after loss and now this. The holidays have been hell. I can't wait to get back to work tomorrow and a normal routine. I'm sick of all this time off!

    I agree with you now, looking at his Facebook just creates more misery. I'm done with that after I last checked his main photo is from the Netflix series Narcos with a guy sitting in front of tons of kilos of cocaine and money. Guess my son thinks that's cool. I can't look at Facebook anymore - his posts just disgust me. Closing the doors on him and locking the key. I have to stop thinking and worrying about him - it's killing me.
  15. New Leaf

    New Leaf Well-Known Member

    It is hard. I have family, but they are done hearing the pain of this. The only ones I share my story with are the folks here on CD, just like you, Sea. You are not alone, we are here, and we got your back, girl. You will be okay. Day by day, it will get better. The holidays are over, thank goodness. Each day is going to get better, cause it can't get much worse. Holding you hand through cyber space sister. You are not alone! {{{HUGS}}} leafy
  16. SeaGenieTx

    SeaGenieTx Active Member

    Thank u so much Leafy - don't know what I'd do without ya sista. ((((Hugs))))
  17. New Leaf

    New Leaf Well-Known Member

    Me too, we are going to be better than okay.....we going be fantabulous....:hugs:go out and get you some sassy cowgirl boots and kick some butt, sis.
  18. PennyFromTheBlock

    PennyFromTheBlock Active Member

    I'm so sorry and I can so relate to the years and years and years of drama after drama.

    It's so hard to co-sign that these children we raised to NOT be this way .... are this way.

    We truly (I know I do) have an expectation that because I'm the MOTHER, that has to MEAN something. When it does not, it's very hurtful.

    Big hugs to you.
  19. SeaGenieTx

    SeaGenieTx Active Member

    Thank you so much PennyFromTheBlock (((Hug)))
  20. Childofmine

    Childofmine one day at a time

    Oh SeaGenie, I'm just getting caught up here.

    First, I'm so sorry for your high hopes that night about dinner and doing something nice for him. It's so hard when we get vulnerable again...and then get kicked in the teeth...again.

    I think there is a certain point that we come to, and clearly you are at that point, when done is done. I think that is a good place to get to. It's painful and sad, and there may be a time of grieving for you after your anger and hurt have subsided, but in many ways, I think it's a base relief as well.

    I got to that point with Difficult Child multiple times. I saw it as moving the "football" a few more yards down the field toward the goal line, for me.

    The more things he did, the more I detached. That was good for me and for him.

    He "hates" you because you won't do what he wants, whatever that is at the moment. If you had said No to the battery, it would have been that. On and on.

    Stepping back, it's like you are trying to wrestle a lion. It's not going to come out well. You approach it with love and reason and giving it one...more...chance...with good boundaries, just having a dinner. He does what he does, all over again. It isn't rational, and it will never be rational until he grows up, changes, gets help and treatment, and decides to become an adult.

    I also understand how we give them One Million Chances. We love them. We have taken care of them all their lives. It's very understandable why it takes us so long to detach.

    But now you are here, in the land of Detachment. This is a good place for you to be. So...what's next for you?

    I think this can be a wonderful time of your life, a time of great change, peace, and fulfillment, and perhaps along that way, a time of feeling your feelings about him, letting go of him, coming to terms with all you did and tried to do, coming to terms with the fact that people have choices (including you!), and we have only one life and let's live it to our fullest.

    Last night Difficult Child came over to eat leftovers with me. As I've posted here, he is doing much better. But...there are still frustrations for me with him, and so I have to gear up to be with him. Last night, I voiced some of my observations about his quest for health insurance. In the end, we both smiled at each other and said Yes, that's about right. Then, we watched the NFL Network for about 20 minutes and talked football. Then he left and we hugged and said I Love you.

    Who ever would have thought in a million years? I am testing out my ability to be honest with him about what I see (when it involves me), accepting him for who he is, celebrating his successes with him, letting him walk out the door with all of his health problems, and saying I'm sure you'll be fine and figure it out.

    It's both a relief and slightly strange. I see him growing up and learning a lot about what it means to be an adult. My to stand back as much as I can possibly can. He has some big challenges ahead, health-wise, and his dad and I will help with those.

    We never know how things will turn out. We can only live our own lives and do our very best to figure out what works for us. You now have a chance to live YOUR OWN LIFE and discover how great it can be.

    We're here for you as you start this next Chapter. Warm hugs today.