Another Adult Child, Emphasis on "child" AKA I Need This Baby Bird to Flap and Fly.

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by DazedandConfused, Mar 27, 2013.

  1. DazedandConfused

    DazedandConfused Active Member

    Hi all,

    All aboard the crazy train!

    Daughter. Um, yeah.


    So much drama with her and I just want it out of my life. Actually, both husband and I want her and the drama out .She lives at home and she does work part time. She would work full time if the opportunity presented itself, but full time work is extremely difficult to get in our area. So, she's not lazy in that respect, but she is no way be ambitious. She did go to school and work part time right after high school (which she graduated early, a big surprise since she overall did crappy) for a couple of years, but decided that community college was going to 'take too long'.

    In her infinite wisdom, she decided to transfer to an online university. It's a good one that's double accredited (I know, I'm about to graduate from it). She took all the tests and got accepted. Of course, I'm so happy for her. Then, she does ….NOTHING. She keeps working her part time job, driving my car, partying with friends, and generally living like a slob. The school is calling, 'When are going to start?' Daughter ignores and I nag. Finally, a year goes by and nothing. So, if she wants to attend, she has to start all over. Her excuse? ' I've seen what you have gone through and I don't want to go through that.'

    By that she means, me working full time, full load of classes, two difficult child children living with me, and husband, who is very supportive, but gone working a lot. Of course, this is NOT HER situation. I've told her over and over, 'Go to school, you have a place to live without a lot of other stressors, Dad and I will help support you.' But, nah! Can't do that. She would rather work part time, drive my car (which she has damaged), talk and text when she's not working, and otherwise laze around her room because I've taken away the car (which she claims to pay for 'everything' except she forgot the $900 bucks worth of tires her dad and I put on it last year) and allowed her to use it for work only. She makes messes and has to be nagged extensively to help around the house. Hence, it's filthy most of the time. That drives me nuts, but I have to ignore it until all my schooling is done and I'm almost at the finish line.

    Do people throw their kids out for being slobs????

    She always involved in some kind of ridiculous drama and I can hear her right now on her phone arguing with friend of hers. She lives like she still in high school. It's nearly every day! She tells me she gay. Ok, fine. But, if a nice guy came along that could tolerate her, she would me on that like white on rice. She's desperate for someone to love and accept her, but she's so darn difficult and SENSITIVE. She flies off the handle at the slightest provocation.

    She and I hardly speak. It always ends up being a huge blow out. She doesn't want to hear it. At soon as I begin to make a suggestion, she storms out hiding in her room. Of course, this is MY house (and car), so she doesn't have the option of not hearing me out, but again, she becomes extremely defensive. Bottom line, she is no less dependent on me and husband and when she graduated from HS. I feel so desperately sad when I think about all the hopes and dreams I had for this girl and how she fought me every step of the way since she was 9 year old. I wasn't pushy, or made her do anything she didn't want to do, but I did try to guide her, and well, I wasn't very successful.

    I've been on the roller coaster with her all her life and I want off. She not horrible, or maybe I'm just desensitized. She's done things, but not enough to make me want to throw her out. She does drink, but not a lot as far as I know. She talks ghetto which grates on me like nails on a chalk board. She has lied to me a lot. Generally, to get me to allow her to use the car for non-work purposes she can go out. She hasn't stolen, but will 'borrow' things. However, nothing special or of great value. If she did steal from me, that would be a deal breaker.

    In these four years since she graduated high school, she was suppose to save up money to buy her own car. That never happened. In fact, she maxed out her AAA card because she didn't have money for gas and called them out four times. I know this because the cards are in husband and my name and I got a letter. I confronted her, she said, 'I thought it was unlimited.' What? Unlimited? Think about it, Daughter, if that were the case, everybody would simply call out AAA to bring them a couple gallons of gas when they needed it. Why go to the gas station when you can do that for 150 bucks a year?? :hammer:

    She and I go back and forth. A few weeks ago she brought some strange girl to my home to stay for a couple of days 'to visit'. Then, she wanted her to stay a couple of weeks, and then a month. Second time this has happened. I'm a very private person and I don't like people I don't know coming to my house. Come to find out they were having a romantic relationship and she left her in my home alone while both of us were working. Not okay with me. She goes NOW. She's got nowhere to go and her Dad abuses her, I'm told. Get her OUT and husband takes her to a homeless shelter. The girl acted just like Daughter lazing around like I'm running a resort.

    Unfortunately, it seems she has chosen the more difficult path. I almost want her to do something outrageous so I have an excuse to put her out. She needs to grow up and just like everything else, she is going to fight it every step of the way. I've paid for years of therapy, psychiatrists, and outside help. She tells me she has nowhere to go if she can't live here. I respond that might be a sign that she needs to earn her keep. Sometimes there are promises of change, but then it just goes back to how it has been for the last four years. We have given her a deadline that her use of her car stops at the end of the year. It's a long deadline, but I'm trying to give her an opportunity to figure out what to do. Without a car to get to her job, she will lose it because the buses do not run the hours she works.

    I've read back over this and I feel like I'm going on a lot of ME. I'm just tired of living with difficult children and with Son being a PITA with declarations of: 'If a can't go to XYZ college, then I'm not going at all!' Being very disrespectful and saying all kinds of unkind things about me to his friends. I'm just done with difficult child nonsense in my life. My ENTIRE life I've dealt with difficult child nonsense with my Dad and now with both children.

    I just want husband, me and our dogs to live in peace.

    Okay, I'm done rambling, ranting, or whatever you want to call it.

    Thank you.
  2. recoveringenabler

    recoveringenabler Well-Known Member Staff Member

    I understand your feelings completely. I'm a little unclear as to what your daughter's responsibilities in your home are. Is she paying you any rent or contributing in any way to the household? Does she help with grocery shopping or cooking or cleaning or any chores to help the family? If not I would make that happen and soon. Her failure to launch sounds like laziness on her part and you offering her an easy ride. If the easy ride stops, you set boundaries and make her share some of the responsibilities she may 1. help you and become more of an adult and easier to live with or 2. decide she doesn't want to do any of those things in which case you can ask her to leave because she is not living up to the rules you set. You have all the power but are not using it, it's your home therefore you get to make the rules. If you don't want another girl there for one night, you get to make that choice, not her. She essentially has no rights because it sounds like she pays no bills. It sounds to me as if you think you need some reason to throw her out, which you don't, you can do anything you want to do. But first, I think you need to require more of her, make rules you can live with, demand rent for living in your home and demand some responsibility from her. Why should she change, there is no incentive, you provide everything. I would figure out what I want and what I don't want and make a contract for her to live with you. If she cannot abide by your contract, then she has to live elsewhere. If she has "no where to live" then she needs to get more jobs and figure something out or you will be supporting a 30 year old difficult child. You might give her a deadline to either live with the rules you set or if not to find another job, get herself transportation and move on. There is an end to the kind of parenting you are doing, it ended 4 years ago when she decided not to go to school. The free ride is now over. It's up to you now to stop making it so comfortable and easy for her to hang out and do essentially nothing. Sending lots of hugs..........
  3. DazedandConfused

    DazedandConfused Active Member

    I apologize if I was unclear in my post. All of this has been swirling through my mind for so long that I finally decided to write it down. It must come across as a jumbled mess. To explain would have made my post much, much longer and it's long enough as it is.

    Yes, my daughter has responsibilities. No, sometimes she does not do them. I will specifically ask her to do a few things around the house and come home to nothing done. I usually get a "I was so tired from working" or a "I'm upset about ________________." She works part time, mind you. Often, she will hurry and do them right before I get home and be in the middle if I get home a little early. I think part of the problem is that I have been in school carrying a full load pursuing a dream along working full time . Plus, I still have a minor difficult child at home with all his issues. I just didn't have the energy to deal with her and I kept hoping that she would mature. However, it seems she's more child-like than four years ago. I suppose I should known better. Now that I'm about to graduate, my attention is now turning more and more to being unsatisfied with her behavior and fearful that she's still very much dependent on us.

    She does not pay rent, but pays for her phone. She is not allowed to use my car but for going back and forth to work and I know the hours she works. Not paying rent was meant for her to save for a car. Again, it's near impossible to have a rational discussion with her as she becomes quite defensive. The other thing she throws at me is, "Well, at least I'm not pregnant". She also indignant that I would even consider asking her to leave for "chores and school". Yet, I know I'm hurting her at this point. Our relationship is almost nonexistent, which saddens me.

    Thank you for responding, it's difficult for me to see clearly. Writing this is my way to trying to be more objective. She's my child and of course I'm afraid of her being alone on the streets. She's never really been out of control or wild. She doesn't have the street smarts like so many difficult children. On the other hand, the situation cannot continue.

    Thank you
    Last edited: Mar 27, 2013
  4. dashcat

    dashcat Member

    I'm not going to be able to offer much in the way of advice. I am deeply entrenched in my own difficult child drama. All I can do is to tell you you aren't crazy ..even though you might feel as though you are. Sending many hugs and much support.

  5. AppleCori

    AppleCori Well-Known Member

    Hi Dazed,

    I know how you feel. Our 20yo who just became a father is still living in his mom's root cellar with no job, no car, no money and doesn't seem to want to change anything.

    As for asking her to leave because of 'chores and school'....that's only part of the problem. Part of the problem is her BAD attitude, ie. not cooperating with rules, being disrespectful, being disruptive, feeling entitled, etc.

    And of course the real problem is that she is an ADULT and adults do not live as children! It's not good for her and its not good for you.

    We know that if our difficult child's mom lets difficult child continue as he is, he will be 30yo and still living with her. And then 40. And then 50.

    As they say on this board, nothing changes if nothing changes.
  6. Tiredof33

    Tiredof33 Active Member

    It's hard! My difficult child started at an early age and he often tried to 'slip' people in. My rule was you have to ask me first, he did not, and all of them were difficult children just like him. He stole from me and helped his friends steal from me. One policeman called me, after my difficult child gave 'friends' the keys to my car to steal it from my carport, and told me I had a problem at home. DUH, YOU REALLY THINK SO!!!

    After many school battles I drove my gifted difficult child to take the GED exam and I told him to start looking for a place to live. If I made a rule my difficult child seemed to ignore it or do the opposite on purpose. He always worked during this time and spent every cent he earned.

    I had moved to another state after retiring and I thought my difficult child was doing much better. Then he lost his job when the economy went bad and I was helping him to finish some college courses. It was a lie, he had dropped out that semester and they were partying with my money.

    I finally had to call the police to stop the harrassment from the 38yo girlfriend. I was fed up and stopped sending money and difficult child threatens suicide. There is always so much drama with him and girlfriend is just like him (sigh). He has gone no contact with me since November, it is so peaceful. My helping has not helped my difficult child and I finally realized that he will continue to depend on me for the rest of his life. However, I choose not too.

    I watch so many in my family helping adults that just can't get their life together and will not until they learn that their life is their responsibility and no one elses. We also have problems with full time work (small town) so they can do just like I did and move to an area that has work. A person can be a difficult child without the drugs and alcohol, but add them together and it is a disaster.

    You sound very stressed, that care of yourself!
    (((huggs and blessings for us all)
  7. DammitJanet

    DammitJanet Well-Known Member Staff Member

    D&C, I think there is a little bit more going on with your relationship with your daughter too. Your daughter survived a life threatening illness when she was very young and that has to weigh on you deep down. Even though she is a PITA, how on earth can you toss that same little girl you fought so hard for out of your house? I get that. It would be almost as if you were cutting out a piece of your heart.

    You talk about how your daughter is supposed to be saving for a car but she isnt doing it. How about starting charging her rent and putting it in a savings account for that car. Just dont tell her what you are doing. I would charge her a bit above that amount. Think about what she earns each week and take one third of her net pay each week. Put 75% of that into the savings account for the car and use the rest for actual rent. I know it wont be a lot of money in reality but its something.

    I would also sit down and go over a new contract about how roommates live together. Several people have told me that about having Cory do that when he moved back into my house before and I didnt and it was a mistake. I wish a contract would solve my current problem but it wont because Im the only one who would attempt to enforce it and Tony wouldnt let me.

    Maybe it would with you, if only to give you some time for her to work to find a new place to stay without actually tossing her out.